love crazy.

We're almost at the end of the school hols and a mixture of daytrips and dance performances mean that the podlings are all knackered and lying on the floor is crying heaps begging for a lazy day with a good movie.

Whilst rummaging thru the piles of quality cinematic fayre on display young master Cassidy came across this boxset I got for Christmas about 15 years ago and excitedly handed it over.

Anyone who owns this magnificent boxset will already know that it features some of the greatest films ever made including Women's Camp 119, Tortured Angels, Raw Force, Savage Man/Savage Beast, Confessions of a Police Captain,  Executioner 2, Poseidon Explosion, Earthquake 7.9, Violent Professionals, Frank and Tony, Kung Fu Punch of Death, Return of the Tiger, Go Kill and Come Back,  Bounty Man, Three Tough Guys, Mandinga, The Children, Demon With Child,  High School Hitch Hikers and Carry On Emannuelle.

You'll never guess which one he chose.

Carry On Emmannuelle (1978).
Dir: Gerald Thomas.
Cast: Kenneth Williams, Suzanne Danielle, Kenneth Connor, Joan Sims, Howard Nelson, Dino Shafeek, Jack Douglas, Peter Butterworth, Larry Dann, Beryl Reid and Henry McGee.

Gordon Bennett, they're having a phonographic orgy!

High in the skies aboard (a children's toy) Concorde, Emmannuelle Prevert (Sultry 70s sex symbol Danielle who older readers may recognise as appearing in everything from Flash Gordon, Doctor Who, Cannon and Ball's comedy classic The Boys in Blue and even, ulp, The Jim Davidson Show as well as your dads bed probably) is on her way home to London (England, or as our American readers call it “UK”...or “United Kingdom” or Great Britain....ask your President) to be reunited with her husband, the French Ambassador Emile (Williams obviously suffering with severe depression - or piles tho' it's probably both).

Bored and frisky (no doubt brought on by the Funky Kenny Lynch disco tune playing over the titles) she inadvertently gives the co-pilot a hard on before dragging bespectacled wimp Theodore Valentine (The Bill's Sgt. Peters himself Dann) off to the toilets for a quick comedy shag that results in Concorde's nose standing up like an erect penis.

Oh.

My.

Sides.

Landing at Heathrow and, after some oh so amusing - and in no way racist - banter with an Indian customs man (the late, great Dino Shafeek from such comedy greats as It Ain't Half Hot Mum and Mind Your Language) she's driven to the Ambassadorial Residence by crusty old Leyland the Chauffeur (Former contributor to the hit LP Parade of Disney Hits and father of the mother of resistance leader Sarah, Connor) where she's greeted by the surviving members of the Carry On team that were too skint to turn the movie down; Lyons the Butler (Douglas), Mrs Dangle the Housekeeper (Sims, another Doctor Who guest star and creator of the hit video game) and Richmond (The Meddling Monk himself, Peter Butterworth).

Do you think we can get on with the plot now seeing as most of the cast look like they might keel over dead at any minute?

Kenneth Williams, up the casino, Wigan, 1978.

Well, it seems that Emmannuelle and her hubbie haven't been able to have 'the sex' since he landed on a church spire whilst out parachuting, which begs the question what were they getting up to before that?

Surely it wasn't solely a bit of rough anal?

Anyway, whilst we ponder that question Theodore has arrived back at the home he shares with his overbearing mother (Reid - how many ex Who actors are in this?) and deciding that he's in love with Emmannuelle he vows to win her heart.

Bless.

Bored with sitting in a room of walking corpses, Emmannuelle gets Leyland to take her on a riotous comedy tour of famous London landmarks (via the magic of back screen projection) where she hilariously fails to arouse a guard at St James' Palace. Not because of his harsh military training tho' but because he's a gay!

Har de fucking har.

"You fancy a wee bit o' mooth shite-in solder?"

Can the comedy get any better?

Well, funny you should ask that because later that evening at the Ambassador's reception an amusing misunderstanding occurs when Emmannuelle, after having a serious chat about a possible assassination attempt on her husband's life with the local Police Chief, decides to search everyone in attendance for concealed weapons.

By that I mean she starts touching the male guests genitalia under the tables.

Hilarity does indeed ensue.

She's awoken the next morning by a delivery of flowers from the lovestruck Theodore (and a really aching hand probably), whom she has completely forgotten.

Bitch.

Heading downstairs she decides to have breakfast with the servants whom she persuades to talk about their sexy secrets whilst scoffing crumpets and lukewarm tea.

Yup, it's a chance to see the by now decrepit Carry On team indulging is sexual shenanigans involving everything from second world war action (and nuns), a seedy bedsit (and a fat lady), a visit to the Zoo (with a randy monkey rapist - not as good as it sounds) and a laundrette.

On the big screen.

In colour.

You lucky people.

Emmannuelle, enjoying the thought of Joan Simms being fisted by a tramp (and who wouldn't?) shares the sad tale of her husbands ruptured arse with the staff to much merriment and forced laughter.

Donald and Melania: The Govan years.

Theodore in the meantime has decided to visit Emmannuelle at home to declare his love for her but with her being a typical woman she confesses that he was just a quick shag and has no interest in seeing him again.

Theodore leaves in tears whilst our slutty heroine heads upstairs to watch her hubbie working out with teevee muscle man Harry Hernia (ex-champion bodybuilder turned skin flick actor Nelson).

Impressed by his massive, muscular manbreasts breasts, she decides to go and visit Harry at home for some (more) sex but unknown to Emmannuelle, Theodore is now stalking her, camera in hand and Pot Noodle and tissues in pocket.

Could the movie suddenly turn into a British sex comedy version of Black Christmas?

Erm....no.

Tho' by this point I'd quite happily stab some fucker in the face.

Someone with a great set of
bristols and Suzanne Danielle obviously.

After all this guilt free 70s sex you'd think the characters would be ready for a nice cuppa and a snooze but no as it's time for Emile and Emmannuelle to attend a premiere league football match where the Ambassador is due to present a cup to the winning team for most points goaled.

You can tell I know about the football can't you?

Surprisingly, Emmannuelle gets bored watching the match and decides to go the changing rooms to have sex with any footballers (or pets) present.

More comedy gold unfolds as each and every one of the teams pretends to be injured or starts a fight in order to get sent off so that they too can get a wee bit of (leathery) ball action.

Theodore, hiding in a shower cubicle, is disgusted (yet possibly aroused who knows?) by what he sees so reckons that the best thing to do is to kidnap Emmannuelle.

Obviously this plan fails.

And without bloodshed unfortunately.

But by this point both him and us are at the end of our tethers and with poor Theodore running low on hankies, he realizes there's only one course of action left to him so he sells the incriminating photo's of Emmannuelle's saucy antics to the Sunday papers.

"Oi Emmannuelle! your results
come back positive!"

In order to put an end to the gossip, Emmanuelle decides to appear on top teevee interviewer Harold Hump's (Benny Hill Show legend and star of Superman 2 McGee) show to defend her actions.

Outraged by he lack of shame, Hump gets more and more hot under the collar till Emmannuelle gives him a darn good gobble live on air.

Sitting at home in a state of shock, Theodore puts a gun to his head to blow his brains out.

But unfortunately misses.

Meanwhile back at the Embassy, Emile has invite his doctor over to discuss his steeple/arse problems and his lack of shagging.

Luckily the doctor explains that the erectile dysfunction that he's suffering from is all in his mind, even going as far as to get his exotic nurse to strip down to her tiny undies and jiggle her ample breasts in Emile's face to prove it.

Standing tall and proud (meaning he has an erection) Emile rushes home and jumps on his missis before violently sticking it in her.

But thankfully off screen.

Spank that monkey.

Obviously some other stuff happens too but I don't want to give it all away or you'll have no reason to watch it will you?

What a double bill.....no doubt some readers were conceived during this. Write in if you were.

After moving the usual saucy postcard humour of the original movies into a more lewd and upfront vein (ooeer missis) more akin to the Robin Askwith starring Confessions films with the 1976 release Carry On England, it was only a matter of time before the series ramped up the sexual content even further than Timmy Lea ever did.

The resulting car crash of a movie is at once painful yet strangely enjoyable to watch.

Learning from the mistaken of jettisoning most of the original Carry On team from England (which sounds like a sinister Britain First plot) Emmannuelle brings back a few surviving members and tries to be radical by forcing them to swear and show their arses.

Which for the unsuspecting viewer is about as enjoyable as watching someone sexing up your Grannie if I'm honest.

Tho' that probably depends on how hot your Grannie is.

Kenneth farted...and it was an eggy one.

Suzanne Danielle is an OK lead but any attempts at humour are prematurely butchered by her appalling French accent and the fact that she's been dressed up to resemble an old lady rather than a sexy nymph, you kinda get the idea that folk are only  wanting have sex with her because she's the only female cast member under 65, not because she's in any way attractive.

But she does her best unlike the rest of the cast who all seem to be doing it purely for the cash.

Except for Howard Nelson that is who, from viewing his other work, just seems to enjoy flaunting himself in tiny trunks.

Fair play to him tho'.

Suzanne Danielle: Somewhere to park your bike.

But the main problem the film has is that for a comedy there's a distinct lack of anything remotely funny in the script, save for the aforementioned gag of Concorde's nose standing up when Theodore and Emmannuelle are having sex in the plane's toilet.

But just like your club-footed cousin who dribbles when she talks and gets uncomfortably huggy after one glass of wine I love it anyway.

And so should you.