Tuesday, February 12, 2013

queer street.

I have quite vivid memories of the first Silent Hill being one of the biggest piles of poo I have ever seen, brightened only by appearances by everyone's fave film dad Sean Bean.

But when the sequel promises not only Bean and Malcolm McDowell but Game of Thrones John Snow as well it has to be at least half as shite as the other one.

Doesn't it?

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D (2012).
Dir: Michael J. Bassett.
Cast: Adelaide Clemens, Kit Harington, Deborah Kara Unger, Martin Donovan, Malcolm McDowell, Carrie-Anne Moss, Radha Mitchell and Sir Sean of Bean.

"Never build on a ancient Indian burial ground! I thought everybody knew that!"

Previously on Silent Hill Rose (Mitchell, cameo-ing to pay the rent) and her daughter Sharon ended up trapped in the aforementioned scary town, an alternate dimension shrouded in ash, full of plotholes and populated by various bands of pikeys and large CGI monsters.

Luckily Rose, using a bathroom mirror and a huge plastic medallion manages to send Sharon back to our world - and her dad Christopher (Ned Stark himself, Bean) whilst she stays behind for some reason or other.

Rather than tell his daughter the truth, Christopher, concocts some story about her dying in a car crash or running away with the Night Watch or something.

"Winter is coming...in mah mooth!"

Jump forward a few years and a now teenage - and totally ball-faced Sharon (Clemens) and her dad have finally settled down in the town of Winterfell and are living a happy life under the assumed identities of Heather and Harry Mason after years of travelling to avoid the Silent Hill cult.

Unfortunately poor Heather has been suffering from recurring nightmares where she's trapped in an amusement park and under attack from a poorly rendered child named Alessa whilst a man with a Dairylea triangle on his head winks at the pre-teens on the waltzers.

Which, if I'm honest are a damn sight less upsetting than the dreams I had after viewing the first movie.

If that wasn't bad enough, Heather is being followed by a pube haired private investigator named Douglas Cartland (Martin Donovan, who as far as I remember was a character from V), who's been hired by the cult to track her down and a boy in her new class named Vincent (Game of Thrones Harrington channelling a young George Michael) has the hots for her.

"Hello Dave?"

Anyway, being a movie for ADHD afflicted teens and chronic masturbaters it's not long before all kinds of weird shit starts to happen, Douglas is killed by one of the (crappier) Cenobites from Hellraiser, Heather starts to imagine a kids birthday party going rabid and Ned Stark is kidnapped by dwarfs.

And all while vacant Vincent wanders about like a lost puppy making goo-goo eyes at our heroine.

The pair decide that the only course of action is to travel back to Silent Hill and rescue Ned before anything else happens.

Luckily for a demonic cursed town it's really well signposted.

But obviously not as much as the movies plot developments are.

Twinned with Gornal.

On arrival tho' Vincent reveals that he's cult leader Claudia's (Moss looking more and more like Julian Clary's cancer riddled brother everyday) son, charged with delivering Heather to the cult, but luckily he's decided to help her instead due to the peachiness of her arse.

Which I admit is made up but then again it's a lot more believable than the reason given onscreen.

As if by magic (or the use of some decidedly pixelly CG) their surroundings transform into those of Silent Hill (fantastically played by the West Midlands on a Sunday morning) where Vincent explains the films plot to Heather.

It seems that she's the one responsible for all this wobbly reality stuff due to her owning that big medallion and being the computer generated child’s twin or something and she must go and visit Vincent's granddad Leonard (a visibly embarrassed McDowell) who's been locked in an asylum by his daughter for 'having some darkness in him'.

Which I don't know about you but made me think of this.

The director must reckon that there's been more than enough talking going on as suddenly Vincent is grabbed by a large rubber turd and Heather is knocked unconscious by a piece of scenery, waking up in a deserted backstreet and covered in dandruff.

Ah, memories.

Laugh now!"

From the shadows appears Alessa’s mother Dahlia (Unger, best known for Highlander III) just in time to reiterated the plot for those who've already forgotten it.

Which is thoughtful of the director.

Meanwhile, poor Vincent is being denounced as a traitor by his mum (God help him if she ever discovers he's gay) and banished to the asylum to be cured.

Spunking sausages for peanuts.

 Whilst all this family stuff is going down Heather is having a rare old time fighting a big spider thing made out of shop window dummies (giving the viewers a quick glimpse of tit as it converts a lady) before managing to dodge a load of tramps in gas masks and finally climb into the asylum thru' a broken window where within minutes she's confronting Britain’s greatest character actor chained to a mattress covered wall and sporting a nipple revealing string vest and a pair of skimpy shorts.

Leonard (for it is he) informs her (again) that his daughter locked him up because of his darkness fetish and that the medallions purpose is to "expose the true nature of things".

No, sorry Malc, you've lost me now.

Luckily we don't have time to think about such stuff before Leonard plunges Heather's amulet into his chest (which is where he keeps the other half) and transforms into a big meat man and carries our heroine off down the ward.

Heather's made of sterner stuff tho' and soon pulls the medallion out of his chest causing him to explode.

Which, if I'm honest I didn't see coming.

Unlike cheese triangle head who you can smell a mile off as he totters into view carrying a big knife intent on randomly killing folk, which is pretty nice of him if you think about it seeing as it gives Heather the chance to run away and find Vincent, who as it happens is strapped to a gurney surround by the only reason to watch/play Silent Hill.

Yup it's the sexy flannel faced nurses.


"Boiled onions!"

Unfortunately none of them engage in a wee bout of lesbian blade sex with Heather, preferring to just stumble about on six inch heels with nether a breast wobble in sight leaving our dynamic duo plenty of opportunity to be on their way to a final showdown with Alessa.

I say showdown but all that happens is that the pair have a bit of a chat about the meaning of life before Heather absorbs Alessa in a puff of slight and incomprehensible pseudo-bollocks and turgid CGI smoke before casually walking into the cults headquarters where she finds Vincent looking like a lost puppy, her dad tied to a giant garden ornament and Claudia dragged up like a council estate goth granny.


 But hark! There's one more plot revelation to come because it seems that Heather's not been told the whole truth about why she's been brought back to 'ver Hill', it's not just about getting the medallion back for some reason but to use her womb as an incubator for the cult's new god.

 Yup, you guessed it, it's got something to do with Heather being linked to someone or something meaning that she has a power or suchlike that can change the world.


Anyway, Heather not too surprisingly says no which makes Claudia really angry.

So angry in fact that she transforms into a monster and tries to kill Heather.

Which is a wee bit weird seeing as a minute ago she needed her alive for all that baby god stuff.

Oh well not to worry because Cheese head arrives in the nick of time to have a very slow fight with Claudia giving everyone plenty of time to escape and prepare for an inevitable third film.

A gratuitous tit shot yesterday.

From the director of the highly entertaining Solomon Kane and the Sean Pertwee starrer Wilderness comes another half arsed attempt to bring a video game to the screen.

Luckily for us it's more Mortal Kombat than Resident Evil plus it's got a really earnest Sean Bean in it which adds some kitsch value at least.

Oh and Kit Harington's hair is fucking hilarious.

As is McDowell's cameo.

And the fact that everyone involved is treating it like some lost Ingmar Bergman script adds an air of absurdity to the proceedings that would have been missing 
had it not had such a dedicated cast.


Which is kinda damning with faint praise really but come on, it's a Silent Hill film so what do you expect?

Well a few scares maybe.

And the aforementioned scary lesbian nurse sex if I'm honest.

Look you know it's going to be shite before the opening credits begin to roll but surprisingly it's actually utterly entertaining shite.

Paul Anderson take note, less of your wife's arse and more shady CGI is the future of the video game movie.

Hopefully Michael J. Bassett will get offered the Manic Miner movie next.

We can but hope.

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