beaches.

OK this is the last one. I promise.


Sand Sharks (2011).
Dir: Mark Atkins
Cast: Corin Nemec, Gina Holden, Eric Scott Woods, Robert Pike Daniel, Vanessa Lee Evigan, Brooke Hogan and some sharks.

"That's gotta be bad for business!"

The beachside resort of Fiddler's Slit has never recovered from a spate of shark attacks two years previously, local businesses are shutting and money is scarce.


Enter (quite roughly, you know he'd like it) wheeling dealing party animal and son of the towns mayor, local wide boy Jimmy Green (Parker Lewis himself (again) Nemec) returning home with a scheme to breathe some life into the dying economy (and hopefully clear his debts with the mob along the way) by organising a huge Neil Gaiman themed (possibly) beach party entitled the Sandman Festival.

"And the winner of the Vic Morrow fancy dress competition is...."

What Jimmy doesn't realise is that his ex-squeeze and current Deputy Sheriff, the cutely button nosed Brenda (Greg's daughter Vanessa Lee) alongside her burly bro', Sheriff John Stone (Immortal Island's Captain Jack himself, Woods) are desperate to close the beaches after a number of dirt bikers have been found half eaten behind the bins.

Fearing further shark/bin attacks (and partly to show Jimmy who's boss) Brenda calls in the eminent shark scientist Dr. Sandy Powers (Brooke, daughter of Hulk Hogan giving a credible performance as a scientist) to check for tooth marks and stuff.

The most amazing discovery she makes tho' is that all these shark attacks happened out of the water.

Scary.

"Trust us...I is scientist!"

Meanwhile the bodies keep piling up.

Well, bits of them do.

Calling a town meeting for the understandably concerned residents (all six of them), Sheriff Stone is surprised when town drunk and token comedy Scotsman Angus (video game voice-over god Daniel) stumbles into the meeting and quotes Quint's shark scene from Jaws in it's entirety before adding, in a neat spin of his own, that they're dealing with prehistoric Sand Sharks that travel thru' sand as if it were water.

Yeah....right.

Fortunately Dr. Powers agrees with this theory and, seeing as she has terrific breasts (unlike Angus whose breasts have seen better days) the town offer to help in any way they can.

Meanwhile Jimmy attempts to set up some staging without anyone noticing.

"I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse!"

With his events team sneakily brought onto the island with a rubber shark in tow with the hope of convincing everyone it's the one they're after and Dr. Sandy busy giving the Sheriff the (glass) eye, Jimmy only has to plug in his record player for the festival to begin.

Unfortunately it fuses the whole islands power, leaving his big bald electrician pal to repair everything, little knowing that his constant banging is attracting the real killer.

The sand shark is on the move.

"Hello French polishers? You may have just saved my life!"

Luckily Sand Sharks are allergic to electricity (and perspective by the look of things) and the poor bugger bursts into flames leaving a smouldering carcass and the beach free for partying.

Awesome as our American cousins say.

It's not over yet tho' for as the festival continues and literally dozens of college kids arrive to enjoy the festival, Sandy realizes that the shark they killed was just a baby and that somewhere beneath the sand hundreds of sharks are heading toward the beach attracted by the (good) vibrations emanating from the party.

Clooney and Diaz: the abattoir years.

Will homely Brenda, sexed up Sandy, Sheriff Stone and bad boy Jimmy be able to stop the sharks enjoying their sand based snacks?

Will Brenda and Jimmy get back together?

And what is the secret in Angus' shed?

A top fish doctor yesterday.

From the director of Snakes on A Train comes this wild yet scientifically accurate story of sharks gone schitzo, based I'm informed on a true story and featuring a fantastic cast headed up by the naturally talented Brooke Hogan here (I could have sworn she was a real scientist), breath-taking visual effects and even a sly dig at Roger Corman  – why this never got a cinema release is beyond me.

Actually I do know, it's because it's cheaper, nastier and shoddier than your mums underwear.

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I mean it's not like director Atkins is taking it all that seriously (the above mentioned casting seems to prove this) and the whole movie seems to wear it's threadbare budget as a badge of pride which does make the whole thing very endearing, a wee bit like that huge-headed, pockmarked faced girl with the nice arse you used to get drunk at youth club cos she'd let you touch her bra.

Don't deny it, I saw you.

Plus Brooke Hogan seemed to enjoy it seeing as she went on to make 2 Headed Shark Attack alongside that other great thespian Carmen Electra and the lovely (she reads this blog) Corinne Nobili.

And it's always good to see the under-rated Corin Nemec battling against woeful CGI again after his roles in the stunning 2005 hit Raging Sharks and the truly terrifying Mosquito Man, and best of all in this movie he gets to sing at the sharks too.

Well?

What more do you want?

fish fang grrrrrrr!

Maybe give up on the whole shark thing now eh?


Dinoshark (2010).
Dir: Kevin O'Neill (not the one that drew Nemesis The Warlock).
Cast: Eric Balfour, Iva Hasperger (me too), Aarón Díaz, Dan Golden, Christina Nicole, Humberto Busto and Lord Roger of Corman.

"Welcome to the Endangered Species list, bastard!"

Our story begins off the coast of Alaska (or at the very least a lovely painting of it), where solo yachtsman Sevrin Seas (as himself) has managed to bump his boat into a particularly sharp bit of CGI iceberg.

Deciding to dive into the icy waters to check the hull for scratches it's not long before our salty pal is being stalked by something in the deep blue sea.

And no, it's not LL Cool J.

Suddenly and without warning (apart from a whooshing sound) poor Mr. Seas (and his handy GPS) is swallowed whole by what looks like a huge, grey computer generated turd with fins.

And  a bad case of all over genital warts.

"Shark in mah mooth!"

Meanwhile in Mexico (just across the street from where they shot Sharktopus) the horse-faced and bullet nippled everyman Trace McGraw (Balfour from 24 and the Texas Chainsaw remake) having recently returned home from sailor school, has decided to put his training to work by running a tourist cruise throughout the holiday season in a kinda Carry on Cruising way.

Sun, sand, sexy senoritas and various STD's beckon.


Well it would be if the harbor patrol would let him live on his boat.

A sexy senorita yesterday.

Heading to his pal Jeremy's pub The Salty Seaman to drown his sorrows, a long (well longer than usual) faced Trace soon gets chatting the blonde bombshell, scientist and girls water polo coach, Carol Brubaker (Hasperger from the Billy Zane classic Vlad) who just happens to be a buddy of his bestest pal Rita (Nicole, who doesn't seem to list this on her CV so we won't mention it).

After a few drinks and a wee bit of character development, Rita makes her farewells and heads off to the beach for a swim leaving Trace and Carol to stare at each other giggling whilst trying to figure out who has the bigger chin.

Adrien Brody: the mooth shite-in years.

Making her excuses to leave (and no she doesn't just say "I have my women's period" and walk away) our brainy beauty heads of to meet hotelier and part-time dirty perv Mike (Bad Girls from Mars star Golden) who talks her into having her smooth thighed female volleyball team hold an exhibition game in a canal that leads to open sea.

For no other reason it seems than to make for an exciting climax.

Whilst all this chat is highly commendable (and unusual) for this kind of movie, what we really want is gratuitous scenes of Frank Dinoshark chowing down on some olive skinned beauty.

Well we get half of our wish granted when poor Rita becomes the main course in our prehistoric chums Latino lunch.

Entrails on mah beach!

Worried (kinda) by their friends non appearance at dinner time, Trace and co. head out to look for her, finding instead our titanic toothed terror chomping away on a couple of non speaking extras dressed as rejects from Baywatch Nights.

What the fuck is this giant scaly beast? inquires Trent with the worried look of a slightly constipated beagle.

Luckily for us (and the plot) as well as everything else, Carol is an expert on badly rendered prehistoric shark type things and heads over to see her old friend, eminent marine biologist Dr. Frank Reeves (the late, great Corman himself looking as sexy as ever) to see if he has any idea how to make it die.

Call me stupid but it doesn't matter how old and grizzled it is cos at the end of the day it's only a big fish?

Why would she need to ask how to kill it?

I mean it's not like it's lead lined or made of gold.....surely bullets, bombs or a big net would do?

"Come my children...suck the movie milk from my man tits!"

Anyway, Trace and Carol decide it'd be wise to hunt down and kill poor Dinoshark before he has a chance to eat any more of the admittedly small number of tourists there for the resorts annual bring and buy sale.

So will our dynamic chinned duo manage to kill this titan of terror before the budget runs out?

Or will the swim team get eaten whole?

Well, what do you think?

"Laugh noooooooooo!"

Another day, another big shark and another SyFy original movie produced by Sir Roger of Corman on a break from counting his money, directed by the man that gave you Dinocroc (and did the effects on the Feast trilogy) and starring the pretty one from the TCM remake.

What's not to love?

Apart from the acting, visual effects and shoddy production values obviously.

Filmed in exactly the same locations - and with exactly the same script - as Sharktopus you kinda know what you're getting yourself into even before you've slapped a fiver down for this beauty in your local Morrisons and if you don't then it's no ones fault but your own.

And frankly you should be ashamed of yourself.

Rum, sodomy and the lash.

I mean come on, you know the CGI beast is going to look like a market knock-off childs bath toy, that the performances will be pitch at comatose level and that the lead actress has been hired on breast size rather than talent but who the hell cares cos sometimes after a hard days toil you just want to see busty babes and comedy shirted men get eaten by monsters.

Admit it, you know it's true.

It's just a pity that Eric Roberts was busy.

mandate.

So James Gunn's take on Superman is out today but the twin engines of destruction are out at a dance performance so I wont get to see it till next week.

So I'll just watch this instead.

The Super Inframan (中國超人. 1975).
Dir: Hua Shan.
Cast: Danny Lee, Wang Hsieh, Terry Lau, Yuan Man-tzu, Bruce Le, Kong Yeung,
Dana Shum, Lin Wen-wei, Lu Sheng and Fanny Leung.

Rayma, now you are filled with power and energy! For you, nothing will be an impossibility! Your senses are intensified, so you can even see and hear through walls!

It's the futuristic - for 1975 - year 2015 (which is now the past, spooky) and the  primary 2 class from the Mary Bell junior school are heading home after a hard days clipping 'up west' but as the excitedly look forward to snacks and pop their joyful bus-based songs are rudely interrupted when what looks like a huge, green plucked turkey drops from the sky onto the road in front of them shattering the concrete and causing the bus to screech to a halt and wee Jimmy to spill his Ribena.

As the fairly sexy supply teacher herds the kids to safety the crack-creating chicken attacks the bus sending it and its unfortunate driver off the edge of a cliff.

But that's not the only thing causing havoc on this wet Wednesday afternoon as all across Hong Kong - and maybe even the world - natural disasters are occurring: everything from earthquakes to previously dormant volcano exploding via your mum burning her souffle, the whole planet is in chaos.

Lucky for us, the bewigged and (pube) bearded boffin and part-time Dave Lee Travis alike Professor Brian Liu Ying De (A Better Tomorrow's Wang) and his world renowned - and silver jumpsuit clad - Super Science Headquarters team is on the case.
 

"Are you looking at my bra?"

 Scanning the local area for any clues as to what's happening the team are surprised when the nearby Devil's Mountain explodes revealing a huge carved dragon skull cum secret base entrance from which steps the sinisterly sexy sorceress resplendent in a huge silver dragon hat and matching bikini top, thigh boots and carrying a whip in her dragon headed right hand.

I don't know why but I think she may like dragons.

Demon Princess Elizebub (or Princess Dragon Mom as the dubbed version amusingly calls her and played to thigh slapping perfection by Terry Liu, best known for her performance as the tight uniformed and knee-high booted lesbian warden Mako in Bamboo House of Dolls) for this is she, shoutily informs the team that from this day forth she is the Earth’s new master and we must either surrender and live as her playthings or be destroyed.

Well I know which I'd choose.

Even thinking about it would probably kill you.

Anyway to prove her point she unleashes her leather-clad skeleton army and assorted mutant types including a huge Plasticine monstrosity with drills for hands,, a big red pompom with horns that can fire laser beams from its arse, a tentacled plant monster, the crab suit left over from Space Amoeba and a pair of metal men with spring loaded limbs to wreak havoc and cause general mayhem around the local area, pissing in phone boxes, tying the swings around the crossbar so no-one can use them and knocking on doors before running off - you get the idea.

Helping her to organise the attack - as well as keeping everyone fed and watered -  is her second-in-command, the sultry Ms Witch-Eye (Shum from Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon), a kinda sexy space secretary cum junior despot in a cycling helmet and eyeballs in the palm of her hands that fire hypnotizing laser bolts when needed.

Which is nice.

"Eye hen!"

Is there anyone who can defeat these monsters?

Luckily in his spare time the Professor has been beavering away on a top secret project - code-named: BDX it has the ability to transform a normal human into a bionic, red latexed super-hero.

This can be achieved, he explains, by wiring the subjects arms and legs with powerful transistors and computerized parts, injecting them with a super serum and to top it off inserting a tiny nuclear reactor in their heads.

Unfortunately tho' the procedure is very painful.

Oh and may result in death.

Enter - roughly and from behind after jumping them in a dark alley - Jeff Rayma (Lee from the classic City On Fire) who eagerly volunteers to strip down to his pants and get tied to a table by a much older man in order to become the much more than human, if slightly less manly looking Infra-Man, defender of the Earth and scourge of all girl private schools everywhere.

The Ronco patented Anti-Wank bed was a great success in Owen Jones' house.

Cue 90 odd minutes of enough kicks and punches to make you want to sell your soul for a PaRappa the Rapper live action movie as Infra-Man and his pals battle everything from giant plant monsters whose massive foam vines attempt to smash the science base to brainwashed traitors in their midst via a bizarre subplot involving the Professor youngest daughters wish to become Infra-Woman when she's older.

And all performed by a cast of which the majority are wearing way too tight Bacofoil jumpsuits.

Here come the Belgians!

But it's not all fist fights tho' as after a couple of defeats at Infra-Man's hands, a fairly angry Elizebub sends the aforementioned brainwashed minion to steal the secrets of Infra-Man's power so that she too can build an invincible warrior prompting the Professor to upgrade our hero (nothing too fancy mind, just adding Thunderball Fists that can be launched from his wrists, alongside a deadly solar attack device that kills instantly, a 'lethal flame kick' embedded in his Cuban heels and lastly a set of mini-rockets place just above his tummy in the off-chance that anyone uses a freeze ray on him at any point - like that'll happen) in preparation for the final battle.

But whilst all this science shit is going down Elizebub has kidnapped the Professor's beautiful daughter Liu Mei-mei (the button-nosed Yuan Man-tzu from The Clones of Bruce Lee) and is threatening to kill her (to death) if the Professor doesn't surrender himself and his secrets.

Laugh now.

 As so begins a race against time (and good taste) to save not only the Professor and his daughter but humanity itself from the slender clutches of the Demon Princess Elizebub.

Will the traitor be uncovered?

Will Infra-Man lose his power when the sun is blocked out even tho' he's allegedly got a nuclear reactor embedded in his skull?

Will Demon Princess Elizebub turn back into a chicken for the stunning final battle?

Will there be a sequel? *

There's only one way to find out cos I'm not telling.

Obviously 'inspired' (you think?) by Tsuburaya Productions utterly fantastic Ultra series - even going so far as re-using Toru Fuyuki's score from Ultra Seven - as well as the daikaiju and kyodai hīro genres - still - so popular in Japan, this Shaw Brothers epic has the distinction of being not only the very first Superhero movie made in Hong Kong but the first film promoted there using a hot air balloon.

Which I'm sure you'll agree is a useful fact to know.

2025 world politics in a nutshell.

Confidently directed by HK cinema stalwart Hua Shan (who would later go on to give us such classic Fayre as Kung Fu Zombie, Jade Claw, Ghost Killer and Dreams of Eroticism) from a script by the prolific science fiction author and script writer Ni Kuang (responsible for, among other things, writing One-Armed Swordsman, The Assassin and Crippled Avengers as well as the Bruce Lee starrer Fist of Fury) and produced by the legendary Runme Shaw, Infra-Man works best because it unashamedly embraces it's Japanese inspirations rather than just blatantly ripping them off, even going as far as hiring Ekisu Productions - famed for their work on many a Toei superhero series - to supply the sets and monster costumes as well as designing and building Infra-Man himself which all adds a certain legitimacy to the proceedings that something like Juan Piquer Simón's 1980 superhero misfire Supersonic Man lacks plus the acting is top notch and played with eye-rolling conviction by everybody onscreen.

As a bizarre side-note, Bruce Le - who plays the brainwashed Lu Hsiao-Lung - has a cameo in Juan Piquer Simón's classic Pieces as a Kung Fu teacher with a dodgy tummy.

Tho' this coincidence may not be related to his later arrest for tax evasion.

"Put it in me!"

Talking of actors, kudos to not only the frankly fantastic Terry Liu but also to Wang Hsieh who manages to give his portrayal of Professor Liu Ying De a quiet dignity and earnest believability whilst all the time clad in a silver labcoat two sizes too small and wearing a pound shop Elvis wig and comedy beard. 

And as the eponymous hero himself Danny Lee is all bowl-haired, boys own bravado, holding his own against an evermore outlandish array of monsters or when being forced to lie naked - save for a big nappy - on a pool table whilst being injected with food colouring.

It's a job I suppose.

The Howard's Way remake looks a bit shit.

Top quality super-heroics lovingly wrapped in a big bow of brightly coloured goodness, I mean what's not to love?

Recommended.

Twice.






































*Unfortunately not.

monarch of the glen.

 Farewell to the fantastic Glen Michael, off to the great cartoon cavalcade in the sky.

 And for those of you who aren't aware of the great mans work, enjoy!

 

fish lips.

Still on a celebrating Jaws kick and as an aside who knew that there were so many great shark movies out there?

Oh there's this one too.

Super Shark (2011).
Dir: Fred Olen Ray. 
Cast: John Schneider, Sarah Lieving, Tim Abell, Rya Meyers, Jerry Lacy, Jimmie “J.J.” Walker and a (super) shark.

That's one big ass shark!

Before we begin good and proper I'd just like to point out for any newbies that for those of us that actually like this genre it's the norm in modern monster shark based movies that the creatures appearance is usually always due to a pesky offshore drilling accident that the titular beast is released/awoken/reanimated.

The unique thing this time is that the entire operation appears to have been constructed out of Lego in someones bath.

Which kinda adds to the movies (wet) dream-like quality I guess.

Anyway there's no time to guffaw over the visual effects as we're suddenly hurtled into the plot good and proper were a couple of expendable wet-suited lobster lovers are busy taking photo's of their fave animal whilst a silicon enhanced woman rubs chip fat onto her stomach and lies about on deck.

Unfortunately we have little time to get to know these obviously important characters as mere seconds after the appearance of those frankly terrifying breasts the aforementioned super shark has scoffed the divers and eaten the poor damsel too.

He's that kinda fish.

"Hey! Ya got tits an' tonsils? Well yer hired!"

Enter (but not roughly from behind obviously) marine biologist Katherine 'Kat' Carmichael (fish lipped Lieving from that other creature classic Monster) a sharp suited ex- FBI (Fish Bureau of Investigation) agent ready to kick some pollution based arse, especially if the arse belongs to the luxuriously haired head of the oil company Mr. Roger Wade (ex Duke of Hazzard, father of Superman and sometime low budget beast botherer Schneider), whom she blames for some stuff.

John....raise your hand from under the desk very slowly....

Meanwhile back at the beach, hunky surfer type Jeff Sexington has returned home from college for the summer to take up the position of studly lifeguard alongside his ex-girlfriend Edna and the bookish ginger princess Calli (Meyers, the only memorable one of the three. Can you tell?).

it looks like it's gonna be love triangles ahoy tho' seeing as Calli loves Jeff but Jeff still has feelings for Edna with it all coming to a head at superstar DJ Dynamite Stevens (Jimmie “J.J.” Walker, no me neither) Ms. Wet T-Shirt night.

Really, I shit you not.

Rya Meyers reaction to this review.

Luckily everyone involved is eaten the next day leaving the script free to concentrate on the up till now useless Ms. Carmichael and her newly discovered sidekick and comedy sea captain, Skipper Chuck (the thinking woman's Jason London, Abell here seen channeling Kurt Russell's glorious Captain Ron by way of a drunken uncle) and their attempts to find then kill the shark.

But don't worry, there are plenty more unnecessary breast shots to go before then.

Which is a pity but par for the course in movies like this.

Plus the shark has still to fight a kiddies toy submarine and pluck a fighter jet from the sky before it's secret is revealed...

Yup, the frighteningly fake fucker can use it's fins to walk on land.

No, really.

Well I guess that does make it a kinda super shark.

Plus it makes a better title than CG-ed Shark Shite Fest I guess.

"Do you need any scissors sharpening?"

Don't get too scared tho'  dear readers for as luck would have it the dear old US army have a secret weapon for just such an emergency.

A walking tank.

That's all you need to know really.

I don't have the words.

God bless director, producer, screenwriter, actor, cinematographer and sometime wrestler Fred Olen Ray who after such an auspicious start in the business way back in 1971 with the frankly fantastic Demented Death Farm Massacre has given us such delights as Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, the Buster Crabbe starrer The Alien Dead and Evil Toons amongst others too many (and sometimes just too awful) to mention.

It's good to know that after nearly 600 years in the business he can still be relied on to deliver the goods.

Even if in this case the goods are a large plastic looking fish fighting a dog in an cut price AT-AT suit whilst a crack commando unit of three look on.

"Shite in mah big fish mooth!"

Obviously realizing he couldn't attract the fantastic Brooke Hogan back to the monster genre, Ray decided (wisely) to cut back on characterization and memorable dialogue and concentrate solely a motley collection bikini babes of various sizes and shapes either dancing to shit R and B, strutting their stuff on the sand like lobotomized Barbies or getting eaten by the shark.

Obviously the thinking behind this is that no red blooded male could fail to enjoy 80 odd minutes of 'gorgeous' girls in bikinis plus a big monster, which would be true if one of those bikini clad beauties was Unwell fave and monster fighter extraordinaire Corinne Nobili, who showed us how to properly fight monsters whilst being forced to wear a bikini should be worn in the 2012 classic Two Headed Shark Attack.

Which bizarrely enough was directed by Fred's son Christopher.

I'm getting a headache just thinking about it so here's a nice picture of Ms. Nobili to finish with.

Any excuse for a photo of Corinne Nobili.

I forgot to mention if it's worth the rental didn't I?

Well if you've made it this far I think you know the answer.

pish dish.

Still on a shark kick, partly to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Jaws but mainly in the hope of getting some new (or any) readers.

At least I'm honest.

Empire of The Sharks (2017).
Dir: Mark Atkins.
Cast: John Savage,, Jack Amstrong, Ashley de Lange, Jonathan Pienaar, Thandi Sebe, Camilla Waldman, Leandie du Randt, Tapiwa Musvosvi, Tauriq Jenkins, Joe Vaz, Tshamano Sebe, Sandi Schultz, Royston Stoffels, Mélodie Abad and Philip Tan.

The power resides within you, the amulet resonated with your power, it was never the source! You are the shark caller!

The time - the near future, the place - a world where PS 2 era cut scenes have become a reality and where 98% of the planet is underwater leaving the remains of society to fight for survival on a collection of shopping trolleys and discarded garden decking shoddily tied together and set adrift in the disused reservoir behind the directors South African holiday home.

Ruling over this sea-based band of unwashed pikeys is the evil warlord Ian Fien (Savage, the ex-man of bronze best known The Deer Hunter, The Onion Field and Salvador as well as Lucio Fulci's final film Door to Silence before bad investments and an expensive divorce caused him to be a wee bit less choosy in his roles - probably) who with the help of the greasy barnetted and stringy lipped Mason Scrim (actor and part-time artists model Pienaar coming across as the unholy lovechild of Iggy Pop and Albert Steptoe) and an army of mind-controlled sharks (no, really) spends his days collecting various 'tributes' from the populace in exchange for clean water.

Sounds legit.

"Do you need any scissors sharpening?"

As we join the story one such group of pikeys are even now being hassled by Scrimm who grumpily informs their leader Tustin Gee (Sebe) that they must double their tributes in future if they wish to get clean water, much to the chagrin of the boyish faced and big-eared Timor (council eastate Orlando Bloom Armstrong) who will be our hero for the next 90 odd minutes.

Which seeing as he has all the talent and charisma of a baby changing table is gonna make for interesting viewing.

Tired of Tustin's excuses - and no doubt his fishy breath -  Scrim orders his men to select 6 women to take in lieu of payment, one of which happens to be Timor's wannabe love interest Willow (de Lange from Blood Drive), a button-nosed blonde with a mysterious secret and a huge poundshop medallion that she keeps furtively glancing at every few minutes.

Maybe she has her lines written on it?

Anyway with Timor standing around looking lost it's up to Tustin to step in and attempt to save the ladies - and by the look of his ample girth attempt to save even more of the tribute for himself.

Unfortunately Scrim is in no mood for chat and punches him in the head before dangling him off the side of his boat then tossing a child's flask filled with electronics into the ocean.

Bizarrely enough these two things are actually related.

You see, the elctro-flask enables Scrim to control - via what looks like a pair of Nintendo power gloves with Christmas tree lights sellotaped to them - all the nearby sharks (who’ve been fitted , you'll be pleased to know, with disco lights on the sides of their heads) and order them to bite folk.

Because as you know, a shark wouldn't bite folk normally.

And with that poor Tustin is devoured in a shower of CG blood fakery as the hostages are loaded onboard and shipped off to Fien's floating fortress leaving Tustin to sob into the ample bosom of his big haired bestie Sion (Sebe, who's probably been in other stuff but I really can't be arsed checking).

Some old rope yesterday.

Being the only member of the cast with any discernible talent Sion is given a fair bit of exposition at this point - not only to fill us in on the background of the characters (Tustin hasn't got any parents, Willow is an orphan, hair straighteners are hard to come by, you know the kinda thing) but to move the plot forward and so to this end she reminds Tustin that he has a submarine stashed behind the bins so he could if he wanted head out to save Willow.

Or even better they could head to the local pub and hire a ragtag team to rescue Willow for them.

And with that they head off.

Destination: adventure - via some FX that would make the cast of Stingray balk at their shoddiness obviously.

Especially the bit where a poorly rendered CG shark gently rubs against the eggbox submarine causing it to leak, an effect that appears to have been achieved by getting a stagehand to piss in Amstrong's mouth whilst he frowns.

Tho' if I'm honest this is probably the most exciting bit of the film, well it's certainly the most erotic.

Taxi for Schubert!

Meanwhile Fien has tied the hostages to a makeshift maypole and is forcing them to walk around in circles whilst a lady explains the importance of Willow's necklace to us - and her.

Yup it seems that Willow's dad was a fabled 'shark caller' who - after the floods had the power to control the creatures thru' the medium of the hand jive.

Unfortunately Fien killed him and now uses the power - alongside Scrim - for evil.

Bastards.

Anyway, Timor and Sion soon arrive at the local pub where they come across (not in that way obviously but you can tell he was tempted) a Lego-haired woman called Nimue (du Randt) who is currently spending her time fleecing the locals of all their cash by challenging them to see who can sit with their head in bucket of water the longest.

No really.

Obviously this is a skill that's needed for a rescue mission so Timor eagerly asks her to help whilst Sion saunters over to speak to the enigmatic Toby (high Scrabble scoring Musvosvi), an explosives expert who also happens to own a scuba diving suit.

Tho' you think under the circumstances there'd be quite a few of those about wouldn't you?

Well fuck you film logic.

Not being one to turn down the chance to blow some shit up he excitedly agrees to join the team.

As everyone stands around uncomfortably trying to look natural Timor notices an Asian guy at the bar fleecing folk in a game of 'find the pea under the cup' and deduces that he must be using a miniature sonar device to rig the game.

Because, um, obviously that would be it.

Anyway he approaches the guy - whose name is Edgar and is played by the pube 'tached Jenkins - and introduces himself before offering him a place on the team.

And guess what? he says yes.

With this cut-price Avengers assemble all they need now is a boat.

And maybe better agents.

Enter (roughly and from behind by the cut of her jib) the dread pirate queen and pleasure cruise captain Ann Aldrin (dead eyed South African soap star and sexy grannie Waldman) who, having a window in her schedule offers to take them to Fien's fortress.

With everything in place Timor outlines his cunning plan.

And by cunning I mean utter shit.

"Oh no....I have my women's period!"

Here goes - Edgar will use his sexy sonar set to scan the fortress and find the hostages and Toby will use his scuba suit and plant explosives to blow open a way in whilst Nimue will hold her breath and swim very fast to lure the sharks away.

Meanwhile Timor will sneak aboard and rescue everyone.

Sion is there no doubt to hold the coats.

Everyone nods in agreement before retiring to bed to get some rest ready for the next days adventure.

Well I say everyone but Toby and Nimue have other ideas and decide to steal the Pot Noodle cargo stored in one of Lord Fien's boats causing all manner of upset and confusion that culminates in Timor radioing Scrim to apologize (whilst using the phrase 'fubar snafu' I kid you not - and Scrim retaliating by threatening to feed an extra to a shark if they don't put everything back exactly as it was.

High stakes indeed.

Obviously being a total walkover Timor does exactly that but as Fien's men are boiling the kettle Toby thinks fuck it and blows the boat up leaving everyone no option but to move ahead with their plan.

A plan that Fien now knows about.

I mean why they just didn't steal the Pot Noodle cargo boat and sneak aboard the fortress I'll never know.

Actually I do know why, that would involve an adult having to write the script.

"Can you smell petrol?"

The thought of a month without any tearful wank-based noodle snacks is the least of Fien's worries tho' as it appears that the sharks will no longer do his bidding, at least when Willow is around that is.

Could this be related?

Well Fien thinks so and chucks Willow into the water to see if the sharks will eat her, which they don't - obviously and with that he helps her back onboard, hands her a towel and orders his men to scan her brain activity so they can copy her powers or something.

Tho' why they need to seeing as they have an electronic device that does the job as well as she can is never explained.

I mean if they just killed her then they wouldn't have to worry about her powers being stronger at all.

And we wouldn't be subjected to her harsh-faced 'acting' every few minutes.

You see?

Everyone would be a winner.

And with that plot point totally ignored we head back over to our merry band who are all ready to set sail for Castle Fien.

But the bad men are prepared and attempt to sink the boat with a shite-firing catapult as Edgar attempts to map the layout on his laptop.

Well it's either that or he's online trying to convince folk he's from the Apple IT department so he can access their bank details.

As Captain Aldrin dodges more and more missiles it's time to put part 2 of the plan into operation, so Nimue greases herself up and jumps into the water to lure the sharks away whilst Timor sneaks up to the underwater door in the hope that Fien has left a spare key under the mat.

Unfortunately in the confusion Toby mistakes a shark for a sausage roll and is inadvertently pulled under the water to his doom.

As the sharks give chase Timor quickly makes it to the fortress and makes his way inside/aboard whilst Nimue - knowing her job is done and she's now surplus to requirements - wiggles about a bit safe in the knowledge that the FX team will do their best to make her death scene look epic and not, I repeat, not like she's getting molested by a pack of poorly rendered Minecraft-esque goldfish.

Laugh and indeed now.

As Timor sneaks about the potting sheds looking for Willow it's revealed that Fein has a secret weapon to thwart our heroes - a kamikaze shark capable of taking out a boat.

As in blow it up, not wine and dine it before making smooth and beautiful love to it in an upmarket hotel.

But you probably guessed that.

And with a girly giggle he orders the shark to attack our brave band in all it's shoddily CG-ed goblin glory.

Seriously it's worth the rental fee just for this sequence.

Tho' not the shame of admitting to watching it obviously.

But Aldrin isn't going down without a fight (unlike your mum) and starts firing a harpoon gun randomly into the waves before thinking "fuck it" and abandoning ship closely followed by Edgar and Sion.

As they swim for the -relative - safety of the fortress Scrim orders the sharks to attack Edgar who is unconvincingly dragged under the waves by a huge bit of curved cardboard whilst Aldrin and Sion are taken to Fien and used as shark bait to lure Willow and Timor out of hiding.

It never rains.

Richard Ayoade, up the casino, Bradford, 2016.....YESCH.

Will Timor and his rapidly diminishing team defeat Fien and restore order this post apocalyptic world?

Will Willow ever master not only her shark powers but the ability to walk and talk at the same time?

Will anyone actually care enough to find out?

'Director' Mark Atkins sequel to his 2016 'classic' Planet of The Sharks features more of what you'd expect from an Asylum/SyFy channel co-production - threadbare plotting, sub-community centre panto performances, sets hastily constructed from whatever was lying around and a load of CG shark stuff that cost a few quid when the original Sharknado came out so the company feel they have to get their monies worth from, hence the never ending cycle of Shark-this and Shark-that titles they seem to have released with truly terrifying frequency.

"Shark power activated!" (But it's opposite day!)

That's not to say that the film is without its merits tho' - yes the writing veers wildly between awful and just plain appalling with no rhyme  or reason for anything to happen other that 'just because' and the acting - what there is of it - is either non-existent or trying too hard depending on who's onscreen at any given moment but what they hell most of the cast seem to be enjoying themselves and it'd be churlish not to join in.

Saying that tho' Thandi Sebe is genuinely great, it's almost as if she's stumbled off the set of a better movie and knows it, pissed off and prissy in equal measures she dominates every scene and even manages to convince you at one point that the upturned bath she's sitting in is really a hi-tech minisub being attacked by sharks and not being gently rocked by a stagehand as he spurts water into her face.

Plus she must really like sharks - or director Atkins has some dead dodgy pics of her - seeing as she went straight from this to his magnum opus 6 Headed Shark Attack.

Nuff said.

Para Thandi.

Let's be honest tho', you don't fire up an Asylum shark movie expecting Jaws (or even Shark Attack III), no you pop it on your player, pop out your brain and let the sheer shadiness of it spurt over you like the cheap and cheerful sinematic slut that it is.

Just don't tell your friends about it later.

Or blog about it obviously.* 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I'm OK seeing as no fucker ever reads this.

fish cake.

Seeing as that classic of creature features Jaws is 50 this year I thought I'd rewatch this in celebration.

Enjoy! 

The Last Shark (AKA The Last Jaws, L'ultimo squalo, Great White. 1981).
Dir: Enzo G. Castellari.
Cast: James Franciscus, Vic Morrow, Micaela Pignatelli, Joshua Sinclair, Giancarlo Prete, Stefania Girolami, Gian Marco Lari , Chuck Kaufman, Gail Moore and a shark.

"No damned shark is gonna screw up a whole year's work and planning!"

Hip, bubble-permed windsurfing champion and Mr. Bungle lead vocalist Mike Patton, is practising his cool moves to the smooth sound of Yvonne Wilkins hit "Hollywood Big Time" whilst wearing the tightest vest ever known to man (Which in itself is quite a feat) in the hope of winning the annual Port Harbour surfing competition.

Everything is going swimmingly, well surfingly, until poor Mike is dragged kicking and spluttering beneath the waves.

Enter (you know you want to) local writer and shark expert Peter Benton (Beneath The Planet of The Apes, Cat o' Nine Tails and Naked City star Franciscus) who after getting an earful regarding a lack vegetables in the pantry courtesy of his Farrah-lite wife Gloria (the terrifyingly toothsome Pignatelli) decides to investigate Mike's disappearance.

"Is it in yet?"

.

You see, their beautiful, well I say beautiful, daughter Jenny (Castellari's real-life daughter and latter-day Hollywood based assistant director Girolami) was on the beach at the time is pretty sure that the overpowering stench of fish filled the air seconds before he vanished.

Anyway, whilst Peter is wandering around the obviously off-season and freezing cold beach looking for a big rubber fish, his wife is busy at work organising the aforementioned competition and regatta for local congressman and professional stud-muffin William Wells (Sinclair, the actor that, in an alternative universe was cast as Tony Stark in Ruggero Deodato's Iron Man movie).

Wells, being a kindly soul is a wee bit worried that a giant shark terrorising the bay might put folk off from visiting the festivities so decides to hire local fisherman Ed Glover to hunt down then destroy the ferocious fish.

Vic Morrow deciding whether to use Head and Shoulders or Sainsbury's own brand to wash his hair yesterday.

Unfortunately (for Ed) the shark gobbles up everything except his arm before nudging the boat back to port as a kind of water-based ASBO calling card.

Wells is obviously even more worried now but his white suited assistant (Howard Keel in an uncredited cameo and a nipple revealing string vest, I'm sure of it) manages to convince him that a rogue hand grenade caused the damage and also, as luck would have it that he's noticed that the local Asda has a massive collection of shark proof nets on sale.

And they're three for the price of two.

Seeing this as a good omen (as opposed to say, The Final Conflict), Wells orders the show to go ahead but not before putting Peter and his best pal, the comedy accented and candy-floss haired Scottish skipper Captain 'Ron' McHammer (the late, great Morrow, chewing scenery like a starving Somali chews his own gammy leg) in charge of security and the islands only pair of binoculars.

I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse.

Soon the beach is full of playful teens, pot bellied adults and those kind of ball headed, hairy children you only got in the seventies all intent on enjoying the regatta.

With all the participants are waxing their boards before heading into the water, it's left to Peter and Ron to nonchalantly watch the water for tell-tale fins whilst Howard Keel supervises the race from his little boat.

What could possibly go wrong?

With nothing unusual in the water save a mysteriously bobbing buoy the race begins but within minutes the very same bouncy and somewhat bullying buoy is zig-zagging thru' the competitors knocking them all off their boards.

Too late Cap'n Ron realises what's happened.

That snide shark has obviously disguised himself as a beach ball and is even know preparing to lunch out on the surfers smooth thighs.

Using his fishing boat and big net to catch stray surfers and pull them to safety, Ron and Peter are oblivious to the big beast swimming (well lolling) closer to the star of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers until it's again too late.

Damn you Mr. Tension.

Without warning (save a sexy guitar twang) Howard's boat is throw skywards by some unseen force (which I'm assuming was meant to be either the sharks hitherto unexplained psychic powers, a massive fishy fart or that the model refused to shoot upwards) leaving the poor sod bobbing about in the water crying like a baby till the shark gobbles him up.

Richard Dreyfuss farted...and it was an eggy one.

A by now really annoyed Wells, realising that he'll never have his armoured suit ready in time to kill the shark retreats to his office in a huff, leaving our terrific twosome to go it alone and, in a plan of diabolical ingenuity follow the shark back to his underground lair, what till it goes out for lunch then hide inside armed with some dynamite on a stick.

Genius.

With Gloria on-board for moral support and a cheeky show of flesh, Peter and Ron suit up and dive down to the sharks cave only to get trapped in a rock-fall caused by the crafty fish itself, who had already anticipated their plan and had been lying in wait behind a big sponge.

This shark is good.

With Ron unconscious and his air hose broke (no doubt causing lots of trouble and lots of bubbles) Peter, using a makeshift underwater catapult fires the dynamite at the shark and frightens it away.

Not only that but the explosion clears the rocks giving our heroes a clean run to the surface.

Hurrah.

With all this exciting (if a wee bit dangerous) shark hunting and near death chills going down you'd be forgiven for thinking the poor audience would get a break from the excitement to get their breath back or at least have a slash, but oh no because we soon discover that back on the island Wells' pube haired son Billy has rather foolishly decided to steal his dads boat and alongside his friends (and Jenny) to head out to sea and kill the shark themselves to avenge Mikes (you remember him) death.

It's like an episode of Eastenders but with fewer laughs and less of a rancid fish odour.

Jenny: I've got something to put in you.

Busying themselves by tying a bag of offal to a broom the teens completely fail to see the shark slowly heading towards the boat till it's too late, only noticing when it jumps out of the water to grab the meat treat.

The friends have no other option but to scream and shout as the brute tears up the bait before inadvertently biting the broom in half, sending Jenny tumbling into the cold, icy sea.

Billy desperately tries to pull her back on-board as the snappy shark bounces up and down on the waves like a multi-toothed beach toy whilst the rest of the crew shuffle about trying to look concerned, eventually tho' Jenny is dragged to safety.

Minus her leg.

"Boiled Onions!"

As luck (or simplistic plotting) would have it her dad is just sailing passed as this is happening so Within no time at all Jenny is back on dry land and laid up in a hospital bed as her dad (quite cruelly methinks) chats to her about the first time she rode a bike, her first dance and the like, you know just all the stuff that she won't be doing again any time soon.

Bastard.

but not everyone is so calm as we can tell from Wells' reaction to seeing his son moping about the waiting room.

After administering a quick disciplinary buggery on the boy, our moustachioed hunk, armed with only a machine gun and a carrier bag full of entrails heads over to his private heliport to take to the skies in the hope of raining hot leaded death on the killer fish.

just imagine that's your cock he's about to suck on...just don't imagine him taking it out of a box and lighting it first.

After a few minutes hanging out of the helicopter throwing bits of meat into the sea Wells actually seems surprised when the shark shows up.

Tho' saying that I probably would be too seeing as it appears to be moving thru' the water whilst balancing on it's fin looking for all intent and purposes like a badly made performing seal.

none of this really matters tho' as Wells is soon in the drink and frantically waving at the helicopter to pick him up.

"Laugh now!"

Wells' fearless pilot Geoff lowers the helicopter as near to the water as he can enabling a very wet Wells to grab onto the landing rail and get whisked to safety.

Well that was the plan anyway.

The reality of the situation is much more amusing as the shark leaps up out of the sea and bites Wells' in half before eating the helicopter.

Can this film get anymore pant wettingly exciting?

You betcha it can, cos even now back onshore beardy news reporter Bob Snatch and his porn god cameraman Sheldon have decided to staple a pig to the pier in the hope of getting the shark on TV.

And planning for every eventuality they've even hired a big game hunter to shoot the shark live on air.

Well I'd tune in.

"Balsa wood in mah mooth ya bastards!"

But don't forget that Ron and Peter have once again braved the elements and are back out at sea hoping to find this fiendish fish from hell.

Coming across (not in that way, tho' it's Vic Morrow so you never can tell) the debris from Wells' helicopter, Cap'n Ron dives down to investigate only to find Wells' severed arm and a long piece of string.

Tugging it gently Ron soon discovers that the string is tied to one of the sharks teeth and that the poor animal is using the wreckage in an attempt to pull it out.

So that's why it's so grumpy.

Swimming back to the boat to fetch his cavity filler Ron manages to become entangled in the string and is soon dragged to his death below the ocean waves as Peter watches on helplessly.

Which is nice if a little less dramatic a death scene than we'd have liked.

Realising what an arse he's made of things so far Peter admits defeat and heads back to the beach for a well deserved ice cream and a can of fizzy pop only to be greeted by the sight of the town pier, with his wife, Sheldon, the big game hunter guy and various non-speaking townfolk aboard, being dragged out to sea by the shark.

Racing to the rescue (but not in time to save the hunter or Sheldon) Peter pulls alongside the rapidly sinking pier and drags everyone aboard his boat but as he manhandles his wife's ample arse aboard the shark picks up speed, dragging our hero away from safety and trapping him on an ever quicker sinking pile of sodden wood and streamers.

"Will it eat me whole?" "No it shall probably spit that bit out".

As the shark leaps toward Peter like some grinning seventies sock puppet our hero notices Ron's body hanging limply out of the side of it's mouth.

And just within reach?

Ron's handy dynamite belt.

With  all his remaining strength and a high pitched scream Peter launches himself at the beast, grabs the detonator and kicks his best pals bloated corpse further down the sharks gullet before diving into the sea and pressing the detonators shiny red button causing the shark to pop like a big balloon full of jelly.

"Aya! Mah BCG!"

Returning to dry land with his wife on his arm and the townsfolk cheering Peter has one piece of unfinished business to deal with.

Punching Bob in the face for no discernible reason, Peter throws his wife into the backseat of the car and drives home for some well deserved sex.

From Italy's master of unlocking, the great Enzo Castellari (he of Inglorious Bastards and The New Barbarians fame amongst other goodies) comes the tarnished jewel in the scrap pile of copycat movies released in Jaws wake.



After replacing Charlton Heston in Beneath The Planet Of The Apes, James Franciscus seems to have no qualms about stepping into Roy Scheider's shoes whilst Vic Morrow just looks happy with the thought of earning enough to eat that month and the rest of the cast?
Who cares.

Apart from Universal Pictures and Steven Spielberg himself obviously, who successfully managed to have this film pulled from American cinemas.....FOREVER.

Which is a shame really because in many ways The Last Shark is superior to the film it rips off.

Nah, only joking.

Standby for action!

But it does boast a fantastic eighties Italiana score, some very stylish haircuts and a rare appearance by Howard Keels nipples so in that respect at least it's worth a look.

Plus if I'm honest Vic Morrows arse looks great in a wetsuit.