monster mash.

Celebrating the birthday of the late great Jess Franco in the only way I know.

With a movie featuring a ginger woman singing whilst flashing her pants.

Them's the breaks.

Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein (AKA Drácula contra Frankenstein, 1972).

Dir: Jesus Franco.

Cast: Dennis Price, Howard Vernon, Paca Gabaldón, Alberto Dalbés, Britt Nichols (AKA Carmen Yazalde), Josyane Gilbert, Luis Barboo, Brandy and Fernando Bilbao.

 

They have awakened... and they are the sound of terror!

 

Evil bloodsucker Count Brian Dracula (Genre God Vernon, star of my fave ever lake based zombie movie Zombie Lake, the terrifying Orloff And The Invisible Man and latter day angry Chihuahua Ren Hoek) rules over the small Romanian village of Spent with a rod of iron (and teeth like clothes-pegs), spending his nights either draining local virgins of blood or pushing pensioners down the stairs.

With the villagers are too frightened to fight back and local gypsy witch Amira's (Geneviève Robert who was married to Ivan Reitman, no idea how that's relevant tho') spells seemingly powerless against the Count it's left to the local GP, the studly Dr. Jonathan Seward (hunky beef-treat Dalbés star of Tendre et perverse Emanuelle and The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein) to challenge the creepy count and rid the village of his evil ways

 

Fancy trainers not shown.

.

Jumping into/onto his deluxe horse-drawn carriage (which is an odd choice of transport seeing the sheer amount of modern days cars, TV aerials, phones and fashions around the place) Seward makes his way to Castle Dracula and almost without any effort enters the crypt and quickly pounds a stake into Dracula's heart.

Sorted.

This has the bizarre effect tho' of not only transforming Dracula into a tiny stuffed bat but turning the massive wooden stake into a cocktail stick which is now poking out of the bats arse.

Which is nice.

And with that Seward heads back to work.

And by work I mean spending the day 'studying' the dusky, Amazon-thighed María (Gabaldón) his - seemingly - only patient who spends her days wearing only a mans red shirt whilst crayoning on the walls.

Feminine perfection I'm sure you'll agree.

Maria: Thighs.

Being only 20 minutes into the film (tho' to be fair it does seem like longer) there's no way that's the last we'll see of Dracula and soon enough a sinister black hearse trundles into town driven by the boss-eyed hunchback Morpho (Barboo who readers may recognise from Franco's The Demons and from his top turns in Supersonic Man, Conan The Barbarian - yes really - and as Alberic in The Loreley's Grasp), humble servant of the infamous - and oh so slightly pissed - Dr. Rainier Frankenstein (Dennis - my gin soaked career - Price. From Kind Hearts and Coronets to this and with only Horror Hospital to look forward to, poor sod).

Seriously you can smell the booze thru' the screen.

It appears that the pair have stopped to ask for directions to Dracula's castle (as you do), well Morpho has stopped to ask as I'm pretty sure by the look of things that Price can barely stand unaided let alone speak.

Which is probably why the movie has literally no dialogue.

And when anyone does speak it's a voice-over.

Artistic eh?

Or just cheap?

YOU decide.

Anyway it turns out that Frankenstein has purchased the castle at a knock down price and reckons it's just the place for him to continue his work.

Plus it has a really fucking well stocked wine cellar and a handy off-licence nearby.

And with that the pair unpack the car and set up the lab.

They've even got a monster (Bilbao from the frankly fantastic The Vampires Night Orgy), packed carefully into a big box and are all set to go.

Sorted.  

But whilst searching for extra extension cords to plug all his fancy electrical gadgets into Frankenstein stumbles (literally) upon Dracula’s coffin in the crypt, complete with the arse-impaled bat lying inside.

 

Surmising that this must be the infamous Count Dracula himself, the doctor decides to try and reanimate him.

 

As you do.

 

Meanwhile back in town, copper-topped temptress Estela (Gilbert, best known for her roles in Confessions of the Sex Slaves and A Rope for a Bastard as well as editing A Virgin Among the Living Dead and co-writing Nightmares Come at Night) is busy entertaining the locals with her saucy French cabaret act which involves her singing sad love songs whilst shoving her arse into the faces of anyone sitting near the front.

 

Just like your Nan did during the war.

 

 

Strumpet.

 

Luckily we only get to see her perform one song (Jess doesn't need to stretch the running time that much) so she's soon off to her dressing room for a fag and a poo before heading home. Unfortunately she's interrupted by Frankenstein’s monster, who's been hiding behind the wardrobe ready to pounce.

 

And pounce he does, scooping Estela into his arms and beating the remaining clientele to death before stomping off to the castle.

It appears that only the blood from a third-rate, over the hill cabaret performer can revive the prince of darkness so Frankenstein straps Estela to a decorating table and begins draining her blood into an old jam jar wherein lies a visibly terrified bat flapping about as it tries not to drown whilst director Franco pours Ribena over it.

Surprisingly this actually works and thanks to the power of stop/start filming techniques the bat is quickly replaced with a sleeping Howard Vernon (tho' they've not tried to squeeze him into a jar unfortunately) - minus a stake up his arse obviously.

For some unknown reason tho' Dracula is now almost catatonic and unable to function without orders from Frankenstein. 

And what are those orders?

To head into town and kidnap folk to turn into an army of the undead and take over the world.

And he's going to start with Maria.

Probably because Seward is less likely to try and stick his wood into her if she goes all vampy but mainly because the cast is so small.

Look I didn't write this.

As in I didn't write the script.

I mean I wrote (well typed) this obviously.

And this.

But you know what I mean.

 

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

Anyway I digress.

So whilst all this blood draining and kidnapping is going on Frankenstein sends his monster to deal with Seward but being a bit shit it totally fails to kill the good doctor but does leave him incapacitated in a ditch, unable to save Maria from her fate.

Luckily Amira and her Gypsies come across him and nurse Seward back to health much to Frankenstein's chagrin.

Phew, glad that bit of jeopardy was dealt with so quickly, the film almost became exciting for a minute.

With Frankenstein's plan in full flow and Seward out of action recovering on a stinky camp bed no-one seems to have noticed that there was, in fact, another vampire in the castle and this time it's a sexy blonde one (Brit Nichols AKA Carmen Yazalde - best known around here as the uncredited sacrificial maiden in Tombs of The Blind Dead) and she too wants a wee bit of bitey action.

Cue many scenes of her and Vernon breaking into peoples houses and sucking jam off their necks.

I fang you.

 An ever growing gang of vicious vamps isn't all a quickly recovered Seward has to deal with tho' as Amira's spooky spirit guide has warned her that a werewolf (played by the enigmatic Spanish stuntman Brandy and not the American singer, songwriter, dancer, model and actress of the same name no matter what Google says, pity) is fast approaching town with a score to settle with Frankenstein....

For fans of the late, great Jess Franco, Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein is a wee bit of an oddity featuring none of the nudity, sexy sadism and erotica (plus copious amounts of 60s/70s bush) we associate with the great man.

Which is a shame really as all we're left with is a threadbare basis of a plot, a barely conscious lead villain, joke shop make-up and a pace that, if any more leisurely with be catatonic.

And don't get me started on the piss poor editing and hit and miss attempts a keeping things in focus.

But as a plus point, the usual Franco crash zooms are always welcome and Paca Gabaldón does have a smashing blouse so swings and roundabouts really.

 

"Spice Girls number one for Christmas? MONSTA!"

 

 

Scarily tho' despite its (painfully) obvious shortcomings it's actually a fairly enjoyable little film, especially late at night with a drink in you.

Plus Howard Vernon is always worth a watch, even when he's as horribly miscast as he is here, all poppy-eyed and cherry-lipped sneaking around various folks bedrooms with an ill-fitting top hat perched precariously on his tiny pinhead.

Like most folk here he's doing his best with what he's been given, which is more than Paca Gabaldón got seeing as she's emoting with only a shirt and a box of crayons but whilst everyone seems to be giving it their all you can't help but feel slightly uncomfortable every time Dennis Price is onscreen as he stumbles around the uneven castle floors, obviously trying his best to walk in a straight line as the booze sweat glistens on his brow.

And to think he'd be dead a year later at the (relatively) young age of 58.

So don't drink kids.

Fucking Hell that's a depressing note to end on.

Sorry.

rappin' with russell.

friday i'm in love.

For you eyeball pleasure and to celebrate 45 years since the release of the very first Friday 13th movie, here's an (almost) complete collection of Friday fan films...

Enjoy.

 

 Never Hike Alone
  

Never Hike in the Snow
 

F13 - A New Wake
  

F13 - The Storm


F13 - Extraction
 

Jason Rising -

Uncut version
 

Censored  version
 

Friday the 13th: Hike to Higgins Haven


Vengeance


Voorhees

F13 - The Fall of Camp Blood
 

Here comes the Night
 

The Cabin he calls home

beastmaster.

With the new series of Doctor Who going from strength to strength* on Saturday nights (or mornings if you watch it on IPlayer) and everyone's favourite top secret military mainstays UNIT back in the picture (and still fighting rather unconvincing rubber monsters more than 60 years since their first appearance) - and with an unfortunately monikered spin-off coming soon I thought I'd rewatch this Don Dohler classic in way of tribute.

And to get rid of the foul taste of progressive politics from my mouth.

Oh the struggles of being an evil hetro-normative white man in the modern world.

Hmmm....Nice optics Rusty.

Nightbeast (1982).

Dir: Don Dohler (with a few scenes by Dave Geatty).

Cast: Tom Griffith, Jamie Zemarel, Karin Kardian, George Stover, Don Leifert, Anne Frith, Eleanor Herman, Richard Dyszel, Greg Dohler, Kim Dohler, Monica Neff, Glenn Barnes, Richard Ruxton, Bump Roberts, Don Dohler, David W. Donoho, Richard Geiwitz, Larry Reichman, Christopher Gummer, Dace Parson and
Richard Nelson.

"Don't call me Bertie!"

Space - the final frontier.

Well it would be if the final frontier were a collection of painted ping-pong balls attached to an old black sheet intercut with slightly out of focus footage from some old NASA videos but beggars can't be choosers which is probably why the 'spaceship' we see hurtling thru' this crap cosmos bears an unsettling resemblance to a Dinky truck sans wheels and painted silver.

Unfortunately the pilot of said craft is way too interested in the surrounding planets to notice the large baked potato hurtling toward him and in a flash of fireworks and kiddies sparklers the spaceship ends up irreparably damaged and  crashing to earth.

To the small town of Perry Hall in Baltimore to be precise.

Think Dudley but with (slightly) better teeth.

The (crash) landing is observed by a group of good ol' boy hunters in the woods who quickly notify the local sheriff, Jack 'The Hat' Cinder (Griffith reprising his role from The Alien Factor) before heading to the wreckage to investigate themselves.

It'll come as no surprise tho' when I tell you that as soon as they approach, a silver jump suited, big toothed beast jumps out and disintegrates them before heading off into the woods to wreak havoc among the locals - killing a couple in their home before murdering a guy (Uncle Dave - a pitch perfect performance from David W. Donoho) whose only crime is having a piss against a tree whilst driving his niece and nephew home.

Obviously the beast kills the kids too but to be honest I was more upset about Dave.

What's that circling Uranus? (sorry).

Realising a scary alien beast is loose in the town (to be fair he has previous) Cinder rounds up a posse - including his 'sexy' blonde deputy Lisa (Kardian - one time hairdresser to Dohler's Auntie, I kid you not) - to go look for it whilst the erstwhile wannabe deputy Jamie (Zemarel, most famous for his role as a bailiff in As The World Turns) heads out to check on his exotic 'lady friend' Suzie (Neff), who is trapped in an abusive relationship with local biker bad boy Drago (Dohler regular Leifert).

And so with everything - and (almost) everyone in place Cinder heads out to a local farmhouse where the creature was last sighted only for most of his trigger happy pals to be zapped into oblivion forcing Cinder to retreat back to the police station and ask local science type Dr Ruth Sherman (producer and actress Frith) and her assistant/son/secret lover and part-time coroner Steven (the legend that is Stover) for help.

Unfortunately Steven reckons they're fucked so Cinder begrudgingly orders the town be evacuated but not before asking local sharpshooter Jimmy Perkins (director Dohler obviously not wanting to miss out on all the fun) and his dad Bill (the brilliantly monikered Bump Roberts) to have one last shot (literally) at killing the creature.

Neff: 'exotic'.

More gun-fun ensues culminating with Jimmy actually managing to hit - and destroy - the creatures disintegration gun, disarming the beast just before he himself is killed.

And with that the creature turns tail and runs into the woods.

 

MONSTA!

 

With the remaining members of the police department - and the postman - beginning the evacuation of the town, Cinder is doing his best to persuade  the local mayor, Bert Wicker (the Internets first horror host, Count Gore De Vol himself, Dyszel) and his vapid assistant Mary Jane (Herman, latter day New York Times bestselling author of Sex with Kings, Sex with the Queen) to cancel a party he's holding for the visiting governor Lenny Embry (Ruxton) that's planned to be held that very evening but the pissed up pair are having none of it and quickly send the sheriff on his way.

 

Paddington.

 

Meanwhile, and with no concern about the scary alien stalking the town, Drago has decided to go and sort out his relationship with Suzie but in a fit of jealous rage inadvertently strangles her before riding off on his BMX with Jamie in hot pursuit.

He soon catches up with him tho' (well he is riding a Grifter) and proceeds to beat the shit out of him, leaving Drago unconscious and covered in mud, sweat and egg before heading back to the sheriff's office to see if anyone else is in need of a fucking good beating.

 

"Laugh now!"

 
Anyway, back at the alien-based plot we find Steven and Ruth busying themselves trying to find a way to kill the beast using any information they've gathered, which seems to be that he likes going to discos (his outfit suggests this), he's a shit driver (hence the crash) and judging by his teeth must be British which in all honesty doesn't give them much to work on but does give the creature a reason to attack their office where, after hiding in the basement Steven electrocutes the beast with some dodgy electrical wires causing it to flee the building whilst screaming like a Democrat on election night.

Too soon?

Back in the woods Cinder and Lisa have come across (not in that way, you've got a mind like a sewer) a mutilated body but whilst checking it for ID (and loose change) the creature stumbles out of the trees and tries to eat them.

Luckily the pair manage to escape but not before Cinder suffers some nasty chafing on his inner thigh.

Luckily Lisa is also a first aider so takes him to her house to patch him up and also have 'the sex'. 

Easy tiger.

 

"Is it in yet?"

 

Back at Mayor Wicker's house the party is in full swing, much to Jamie's chagrin, you see he's decided that if he's upset then no-one else should be having a good time either so after scoffing 14 scotch eggs he forces out a terrible fart then proceeds to tell everyone there's a poison gas leak from the nearby mine causing everyone to flee in panic. 

And in some cases flee in cars.

Wicker and Mary Jane, upset with how the evening has turned out, stay behind tho' (well it is his house) and decided to get drunk instead.

Which is fair enough I guess.

And with that Jamie heads back to the sheriff's office to see who else he can annoy.

"Can you smell petrol?"

Finding out that Jamie has left Wicker and Mary Jane home alone (and hoping for a furtive glimpse of lady garden, probably) Steven decides to go and bring them to the - relative - safety of the sheriff's office,  unfortunately the beast has beaten him to it, first bludgeoning Mary Jane to death in the basement before beheading Wicker in the pantry.

Which is nice.

It's almost the climax so needing all the surviving characters to be together, Cinder and Lisa soon arrive followed by Ruth and Jamie who suggests electrocuting the creature using the high-voltage cables from the nearby power plant, a plan that Steven, remembering his electrical-based shenanigans from earlier agrees with.

And with that they all drive out to the power plant to begin running the cables to Wickers house.

And maybe have a picnic. 

Still no idea why they just didn't lure it to the actual power station and kill it there tho' and save them the effort.

Unfortunately Drago is already there and hiding in the portaloo ready to pounce.

And pounce he does, first slapping Ruth and then kicking Cinder on his sore leg.

The rotter.

Luckily for our hero tho' Jamie turns up in the nick of time and shoots Drago dead.

 

Dave Grohl: tunnel or funnel?

Quickly returning to Wicker's house our heroes begin setting the trap but the creature is lying in wait....

Will they succeed in beating the beast? 

Did I mean that to sound so rude?

Will Cinder and Lisa's relationship work out?

Will there ever be another director as great as Don Dohler?

From Don Dohler, director of some of the greatest lo-fi sci-fi horror yarns ever made comes this semi-sequel to his 1978 hit The Alien Factor, featuring as it does much of the same cast (with a few returning characters thrown in), much of the same plot and luckily enough much of the same joy and absolute love of films and film-making that we came to expect from from the great man's work.

Seriously, what it lacks in polish, acting talent or budget (seriously it only cost $14,000 to make and most of that went on bottles of Just For Men, tho' they ran out when they got to Tom Griffith) it more than makes up for with sheer, unadulterated fun and charm.

Plus it gave good old Star Wars botherer J.J. Abrams his big break (and first onscreen credit) in movies for his fart-tastic synth score for which we can all be grateful.

Possibly.

I mean we wouldn't have The Rise of Skywalker without this.

 

43 years later and with a Disney budget....Hmmm.

 

 

And, bizarrely enough it ended up being classified as a "Section 3" Video Nasty in the UK  for some unknown reason (maybe Tom Griffith's buttocks were too sexy for British audiences?) meaning that although never prosecuted, it was a real pain in the arse to actually watch this as a kid.

Which quite honestly was probably a good thing as I really can't imagine serious 12 year old film fan me (I have previous) being able to actually appreciate the genuine love Dohler and co. had not just for film-making but the horror genre in general.

Plus any movie featuring George Stover is guaranteed to be at least 75% more enjoyable than one without him.

And to think, at this point in his career Dohler was happy just producing, handing the directorial reigns over to Dave Geatty (famous for his portrayal of 'man in bar' in The Alien Factor), luckily for the viewer Geatty had no idea what he was doing and after spending half the budget on a tracking shot that ended up being out of focus Dohler stepped in, giving us what is probably his greatest movie and the greatest scene featuring a flabby, pale man-ass ever committed to celluloid.

I'm looking at you Tom Griffith.

And to think he actually insisted on doing a nude sex scene, even going as far as asking (begging?) Karin Kardian to do it with him.

Surprisingly she agreed tho' I don't know if we should be thankful or not.

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Ready Brek.

 

Perfect Friday night fodder and the kind of movie this blog was made for....if you're not a fan of Dohler's work then be warned, you will be after this.

*This is what us Brits call 'the sarcasm'.

may the fourth....

...be with you!

Celebrate Star Wars Day with this Sith-tastic mix of Skywalker inspired sounds remixed for your dancing pleasure. 

Caution: may contain Gungans.

bungle bonce.

Celebrating Star Wars Day by revisiting THE best sequel not featuring Adam Driver....So enjoy and...

Os Trapalhões Na Guerra Dos Planetas (AKA The Bunglers In The War Of The Planets, Brazilian Star Wars 1978).
Dir: Adriano Stuart.
Cast: Pedro Aguinaga, Renato Aragão, Carlos (The Jackal) Bucka, Wilma Dias, Carlos (The Kettle) Kurt, Tereza Mascarenhas and some other folk I've never heard of.

Opening with a huge car chase that would put the makers of Top Gear to shame, the 'heroes' of Os Trapalhões Na Guerra Dos Planetas (top urine-stained Brazilian comedy tramps 'the Bunglers') are on the run from what looks like a ton of disgruntled Pikies suffering from narcolepsy, seeing as a huge number of them appear to be driving their cars into rivers for no reason.

It seems that one of the bunglers (the oldest yet least stinky one that wears the piss yellow sports jacket and pervert hat) amusingly named Didi, has slept with the head pikies missis and his friends/family/cousins are in hot pursuit looking for revenge.

After about twenty minutes of 'wah wah' guitar and exploding dune buggies the bunglers hide behind a convenient rock and wait for the bad men to get bored and leave.

"sniff mah coat hen".

That night, whilst the bunglers are sleeping, a turtle with a candle glued to its shell shuffles thru their camp and, in a stroke of comedy genius two of the bunglers think it's a ghost!

Oh how we laughed!

But just as you think it can't possibly get any funnier, the turtle manages to set light to the third, fattest bungler!

While he’s running around in circles going "Woo! woo!" whilst slowly (and probably very painfully) burning alive a passing spaceship touches down near their campsite.

Aboard is the handsome Prince Flik (no doubt referring to his almost Farrah like locks) who tells the four comedy legends (but not the turtle) that he needs their special 'talents' to retrieve a vital part of the fabled 'brain computer' and stop an evil space tyrant named Zuco from destroying his home world.

What? were Torchwood busy? I mean it's not like the plot was too far fetched for them.

A spaceship yesterday.

Our heroes, given the choice between jail time for forcing themselves on old ladies or a trip into space quickly agree and jump aboard Flik's starship where they meet his Red Setter-like, new romantic styled co-pilot Chewbacca (or Dave, I'm not sure).

He (it?) and Flik have an in depth chat in reverse Portuguese before Dave blindly stabs at a few buttons and prepares for take off in a blaze of coloured lights and sweet wrappers not seen since the heady days of Crackerjack.

"Hello Dave?"

Touching down on Flik's home planet, they immediately encounter what looks like an army of hooded midgets attacking a group of desert dwelling Arabs outside a series of stone portaloos.

It's like Disney does ISIS but with fewer beheadings.

Possibly.

Spoiling for a fight the comedy quads rush in and beat the shite out of anyone within punching distance in hyper-slow motion that makes The Matrix 'bullet time' look like the cheap trick it is.

Every time one of our heroes kicks, shoves or stumbles the same clip is shown again and again, accompanied by a hellish 'doo doo' disco score.

It's like mind melding with Jimmy Savile.

Runner up of the Lindy England lookalike contest (ask your mum).

About three days into the slo-mo spectacular the villain of the piece, the evil Darth Zuco appears from nowhere and drags the beautifully big hipped blond bombshell Princess Myrna (who?) from out of one of the portaloos before legging it across the dunes to what looks like a waiting gold vibrator (with wings).

Whilst this is going down (phnar), the warring aliens get bored and leave but not before blowing up one of the toilets with a painted air freshener cum grenade (as in an air freshener disguised as an explosive, not a grenade filled with man yoghurt, tho' that would be interesting) possibly as a political act lost on British viewers.

"Touch my big black helmet".

What isn't lost on viewers from dear old Blighty tho' is the effect that the explosion has, causing as it does four fairly attractive (in a cruise ship entertainer way) Lycra clad ladies to come running out of the smoke like a cheap(er) version of Benny Hill's Hill's Angels.

If that were at all possible**.

The bungling buddies start rubbing their filthy hands with delight but spoilsport Flik starts shouting about having to rescue the princess.

Relax girls....they're single.
And old enough to be your granddad.

Agreeing with Flik (and obviously fancying a wee bit of manass) Didi attempts to drag the others away from the babes with a promise of letting them borrow his hat.

Seriously, why would I make this shit up?

Things get very tense before a compromise is reached and the ladies offer to go with them to the local space disco to look for clues.

Let's be honest tho'...it's still more entertaining than this shite.

Arriving at the local nite-spot (which looks to all intents and purposes like Barry Noble's in Nottingham circa 1985) the bunglers manage to persuade the DJ to stop polluting the airwaves with farty sci-fi warblings and play some hi-energy disco instead but when the alien clientèle begin to 'get down' to the hot tunes the jolly jokers start beating them up.

Just like Dudley then.

For Didi this seems a step too far, he leaves the disco to buy a space laser gun, accidentally murdering five innocent bystanders in cold blood whilst 'testing' it and blowing up Flik’s landspeeder along the way.

If that wasn't enough, in a fabulously misplaced piece of slapstick he finds he has no money to buy the gun so he shoots the salesman dead and steals it.

Ha ha ha.

A normal Saturday night in Dudley.

Now the film begins to unravel and self destruct into an almost unwatchable display of violent comedy, giant birds and poverty row effects as our merry band decide to hit the trail in search of the princess and the evil Zuco.

All manner of random threats are thrown at the group from invisible monsters to flying oranges (yep....killer fruit......oh my sides) via a badly matted 'giant' spider and the aforementioned bird beast.

"Pluck off!"

Every time they encounter a new peril everyone throws their arms in the air, jogs on the spot whooping then runs away.

And I do mean every time.

Every.

Single.

Bloody.

Time.

For around half an hour.


Eventually (and obviously bored waiting for our heroes to discover his lair) Zuco sends them an open invitation to his house to exchange their half of the computer (admit it, you'd forgotten about that hadn't you?) for the captive Myrna.

What follows is a series of bluffs and double bluffs that would confuse even a very unbluffable (is that even a word? cos it should be) man.

The outcome is that Didi ends up in a box (not a coffin unfortunately) and Flik is left holding a green painted dwarf in a frighteningly lifelike Myrna mask.

Everything is now set for the final battle.

Thank fuck.

Didi scores first blood by freezing Zuco and then spending twenty five minutes dancing with his frozen body, popping a selection of funny hats on him, booting him up the arse etc. whilst his buddies fight for their lives against an elite squad of enemy shock troops.

Seriously tho' it's not as exciting as it sounds.

Just as the good guys break thru' the enemy ranks Zuco thaws out and tells everyone that Myrna is dead.

Laugh now.

It seems that whilst Zuco's scientist were making the mask for the dwarf to wear they accidentally disintegrated her.

No seriously.

Flik just shrugs his shoulders and sighs before pointing out that under his planets laws Didi’s squeeze, the seductive Loya must take Myrna’s place as Flik’s betrothed.

She leaves Didi’s side and gets straight down to business with Flik, leaving poor Didi to travel back to with nothing to look forward to but a tearful wank and a Pot Noodle.

Which is a wee bit depressing really.

Duck off.

What can one possibly say in regard to the almost perfect example of high brow Brazilian comedy that is Os Trapalhões na Guerra Dos Planetas?

As an introduction to the many fascinating aspects of Brazilian culture the film is a Godsend, featuring as it does the countries three major obsessions; dancing badly, awful polyester jackets and fighting.

Which is three more than Belgium is famous for.

And what of the comedy greats that are/were The Bunglers? 

Well believe it or not these comedy cnuts starred in over 15,000 films in the 1970s and 1980s, becoming Brazil's biggest export (outside STD's and child labour that is) before being hunted down by the UN war crimes committee in 1997 and sentenced to death by firing squad  in late 1995.

So if you enjoyed their hi-jinks in this, their biggest grossing (and most expensive) movie and don't mind laughing at dead folk, there should be enough online to keep you going for a few months at least.

The Bunglers: They've got something to put in you.

The rest of you can sleep soundly knowing I watched it for you.

You lucky people.

*I assume this is the case from what I've heard, it's not available in Europe yet so I wouldn't know for sure, pirating is bad don't you know.








**Obviously I don't count the wonderful Nola Hayes in this blanket statement because as a 12 year old watching Benny Hill she was by far the least scary of the bunch and not at all cheap.