Bio-Zombie (1998).
Dir: Wilson Yip.
Cast: Jordan Chan, Sam Lee, Angela Tong, Emotion
Cheung, Suk-Mui Tam, Yiu Cheung Lai, Frankie Chan and Bonnie Lai
Suk-Yin.
Welcome to the whacked-out world of Woody Invincible (HK superstar and official mancrush Jordan Chan) and Crazy
Bee (top drawer comedic sidekick Sam Lee), two professional wide boys who make their money selling
bootlegged DVDs at a small stall in the popular New Trend Plaza Mall.
When not selling knock off goods ("Tracking's dodgy mate!"),
gambling and hitting teenager customers on the head they pass the
time picking on bespectacled Sushi bar worker Loi (Cheung), avoiding
run-ins with the grumpy Mr. Kui (Cheung Lai) the owner of the
mobile phone shop and, in Woody's case flirting with the button-nosed
beautician Rolls (Tong) much to Loi's chagrin.
With the main characters introduced it's time to get down to the
plot good and proper and catch up with a couple of nefarious black
market arms dealers who are in the middle of selling a scary
bio-weapon that turns people into the undead to a couple of sinister
secret service types.
 |
| ABBA have let themselves go.... |
Obviously the shadowy government agency are interested in the
weapon but insist on a demonstration and lo and behold the scary
sellers just happen to have an infected zombie with them, which is
kinda lucky I guess.
Their luck is about to run out tho' as no sooner is the zombie let
loose than it manages to chomp down of two of the agents and mortally
wounding the other before being shot in the face.
Realizing that the whole situation may be a wee big difficult to
explain the arms dealers make a swift exit leaving the bio-weapon
(cunningly disguised as a bottle of Lucozade) behind.
Could things get any worse?
Well Woody, on his way back to deliver his bosses newly repaired
car accidentally runs over the prone agent and quickly jumps out of
the vehicle to see if he can help (or at least persuade him not to
press charges) as the poor guy gestures to Woody to come nearer (I
reckon he's going to whisper 'I love you' to him I mean c'mon he's
only flesh and blood) our hapless hero mistakes the actions for the
guy having a dry throat and quickly pours the Lucozade into his mouth
before bungling him into the back of the car and driving back to the
mall.
On arrival Woody desperately tries to find Crazy Bee for a wee bit
of moral support leaving the injured agent sloppily leaking onto the
back seat.
It's not long tho' before the guy is totally zombified (is that
even a word? Well it is now) and wandering off into the mall in
search of fresh meat.
Realizing that he'll need to get the car fixed if he doesn't want
a doing Woody sells the (by now undead) agents top of the range
mobile phone to Mr Kui but still doesn't have enough money to
fix the car so alongside Crazy Bee decide to steal Rolls purse and
jewelery whilst she's busy doing Mrs Kui's (the marvelously
mumsy Suk-Mui Tam) make-up for the weekend.
The rotters.
 |
| Exit wound in mah mooth! |
Suspicious of the pair - and egged on by her pal
Jelly (Bonnie Lai Suk-Yin), Rolls asks Woody to help find her purse in
exchange for a dinner date.
A dinner date where she intends to get him drunk so he'll admit to
stealing her stuff.
She's a crafty one and no mistaking.
Obviously Woody agrees and the pair head off to the sushi bar,
much to the annoyance of Loi.
As Woody and Rolls get more and more drunk - and even more flirty
than usual the couple stumble into the toilets for some privacy with
an anxious Loi - determined to protect Rolls honour - in pursuit.
As he goes to burst into the toilet tho' poor Loi is bitten by the
undead agent who then scurries off toward the mall's underwear
section leaving our bitten soy-boy ranting about monsters whilst
bleeding over Rolls incredibly milky thighs.
Being a nice girl she takes Loi round the rear (ooeer missis) - of
the sushi bar obviously - whilst Woody and Crazy Bee look for help.
Oh and zombies (of a Bio kind) obviously.
 |
| Fair enough. |
Whilst all this slight panic is going down the zombie special
agent manages to find his phone amongst Mr Kui's belongings causing
the (already) angry shopkeeper to go full on shouty at our heroes
accusing them of stealing the phone back before reporting them to the
mall security guard known only as 'Ox' (Frankie Chan).
Realizing that the plot may need a few more characters to really
get going Ox calls the police (Policemen #3001 and #9466 to be
precise) who, after a series of more and more outrageous questions
decide to lock Woody and Crazy Bee in Ox's office whilst #3001 goes
in search of clues.
Popping into the sushi bar for a snack he's soon killed by Loi who
by this time has completely turned and is currently holding Rolls
captive (he loves her you see) whilst back at the security office the
undead agent has turned up killing Ox before attacking #9466.
It never rains.
In the bloody confusion Woody and Crazy Bee escape and head toward
the mall entrance, where they come across Jelly, Rolls' co-worker,
who's just back from a sly fag oblivious to the chaos all around her
but as the dynamic duo try to explain the last 35 minutes of plot a
reanimated Ox closes the mall's shutters, trapping everyone inside.
As the trio argue over what to do they bump into Mr and Mrs Kui
who've narrowly avoided a biting and after a quick exchange of
pleasantries decide to hide in the beauty parlor till everything
blows over.
Coming to the conclusion that he is, in fact, the films hero (well
he does have a hit recording career outside his film work) Woody
volunteers to not only contact the authorities but also rescue Rolls
whilst he's at it and heads off excitedly to the sushi bar where he
manages to sneak Rolls out whilst Loi is distracted fighting off the
bad zombies who want to eat her whole.
Although I've heard that they spit that bit out.
Meeting up with the others they all decide to attempt an escape
rather than wait for help.
I mean what could possibly go wrong?
 |
| "He did WHAT in his cup?" |
Running toward the store elevator with the (Bio) Zombies in hot
pursuit Kui proves his patent bastardness when realizing that the
lift is over the weight limit by cold-heartedly pushes Jelly into the
path of the undead much to the annoyance of everyone else who then
decide to go back and attempt save her.
Kui swears at everyone before dragging his wife off toward the
exit.
Finding Jelly dead Crazy Bee, Woody and Rolls - now armed with a
collection of household items - head for the security office in order
to get the keys to open the shutters, killing and maiming zombies as
they go.
Hearing a scream in the distance they realize that Mrs. Kui - now
separated from both the group and her hubbie - is under attack from
the undead and Crazy Bee, admitting to having a huge crush on her,
hurries to help.
Meanwhile Mr Kui is hiding in a cupboard shitting himself.
Crazy Bee arrives too late tho' and poor Mrs Kui dies in his arms.
But things are about to take a darker turn for as Bee cradles his
unrequited love a sneaky zombie manages to crawl toward him and bites
his arm.
Ouch.
 |
| Your mum, Christmas eve, 1994. |
Meeting up with Rolls and Woody at the security office, Crazy Bee
is desperate to find the security key as well as keeping his bite
hidden from his friends, unfortunately due to his panicked state he
totally fails to see Ox creeping up on him.
As Crazy Bee tells his best friend how much he means to him Ox
pounces and kills him sending Woody into a violent rage where he
first beheads Ox before doing the same to Crazy Bee so as to prevent
him coming back from the dead.
Finally finding the security key the duo head down the parking
garage in the hope of getting to Woody's boss' car and escaping but
by now the whole underground carpark is crawling with zombies.
Fighting their way through the undead hordes, they reach Woody’s
boss’ car but find themselves trapped and surrounded.
Suddenly tho' Loi appears and in one last show of kindness to
Rolls raises the garage shutter before pushing the car out into the
street allowing the pair to escape.
As the drive off into the night they see Loi fighting the other
zombies as he pulls the shutter back down, trapping the undead
inside.
With the streets empty Woody pulls up at a deserted petrol station
in the hope of finding help and supplies, as he searches he notices
an emergency broadcast programme on the TV warning the populance
against against drinking soft drinks due to a mysterious
contamination.
As Woody continues to watch he notices that Rolls have found the
Lucozade bottle under the seat of the car.....
An obvious influence on Edgar Wright's Shaun of The Dead, director
Wilson (IP Man, Kill Zone SPL and Skyline Cruisers also with Jordan
Chan amongst other classics) Yip's Bio-Zombie is a surprisingly
charming little movie that, playing against audience expectations is
less a lo-fi undead shlocker and more of a genre defying rollicking
roller-coaster ride that riffs on rom-com conventions, buddy
comedies and action movies before delivering one of the bleakest
endings since Miracle Mile.
And all in under 90 minutes.
Zach Snyder and Rian Johnson take note.
But any low budget film, no matter how entertaining lives
and dies by its cast and luckily Bio-Zombie's is brilliant, from the
natural chemistry between the leads (Jordan Chan and Sam Lee who
bizarrely enough have both played the same character - "Chicken"
Chiu - in the Young And Dangerous film series, Chan in the first
three movies and Lee as a younger version in the prequel) to the
vile, misogynistic Mr. Kui and fabulously flirty Rolls everyone
plays it with a terrific conviction that makes even the most hastily
sketched and clichéd characters come alive to a point where you find
yourself genuinely caring for the people on screen.
A rare thing to find in the low-budget comedy horror genre and no
mistaking.
A joy from silly start to freaky finish Bio-Zombie deserves to bee
seen by a much bigger audience than it has already so stop what
you're doing and track down a copy NOW.
You can thank me later.
 |
| Titles. |
One final word of warning tho', if you do fancy seeing it try to
stay away from the dubbed US release because although worth it to see
how many Cartoon Network voice actors you can spot (DeeDee from
Dexter's Laboratory is one) the script appears to have been translated
by someone whose favourite film is American Pie, although they had to
have it explained to them as there were too many big words in the
script.
Really it's that bad and frankly a film of this quality deserves
better.
*You can tell this was for a 'proper' publication due to the lack of puerile humour in the review....don't worry there'll be mooth shite aplenty tomorrow.
