Thursday, November 15, 2018

living doll.

Between Glasgow Horror Con, Weekend of The Dead and not being able to attend Cine-Excess due to actually having work to do I've had precious little time to watch any movies recently - outside taking Twin #1 to see Bohemian Rhapsody that is - so decided to take time out last night to give this a spin seeing as - shock horror - I realized that I'd never actually watched it till now.

Trilogy of Terror (1975).
Dir: Dan Curtis.
Cast: Karen Black, Robert Burton, James Storm, Gregory Harrison, John Karlen and George Gaynes.

'You've drugged me!'
 "No dear, I've killed you".

Welcome one and all to a pesky portmanteau horror consisting of three unconnected tales of terror from the pen (tho' it was most likely a typewriter) of horror-miester Richard Matheson and starring the late, great Karen Black, sit back and relax as we first meet the dowdy, bespectacled English teacher named....


Creepy college stud Chad Foster (As the World Turns, Vega$ and Lassie actor plus former Mr Karen Black, Burton), reckoning that all his female classmates are worthless whores and not worthy of his mighty man bulge (as you do) decides to instead stalk his librarian-like English teacher, Julie Eldridge (the aforementioned Black) in the hope of seeing what she looks like "underneath all those clothes".

Yup he really does say that to his catalogue model-type pal Eddie (Ex Fantastic Four member Storm) and even manages to keep a straight face as he does.

Eddie just tussles his luxurious hair whilst informing his friend that Julie is ugly before walking away to find a mirror to make love to.

Tho' by the look of him he'd probably just spunk over his (fantastically ironed) jeans before he'd even gotten his cock fully out.


The next day during class, Chad is distracted by a flash of Julie's American Tan tighted thigh as she sits on her desk and begins daydreaming about her, promising himself there and then that he will have his wicked way with teacher.

Which isn't at all uncomfortable, honest.

Later that evening (well it is a short film) when Julie is undressing in her room, Chad watches her from behind a bush erotically fingering his massive collars as he does so.

Easy tiger.

Fired up - and still slightly sticky - our sinister student asks Julie out on a date to see a 'french vampire film'* at the local drive-in which she initially knocks back, until that is she discovers that they're showing Le Frisson Des Vampires and having a thing for Marie-Pierre Tricot (but then again who doesn't?) excitedly accepts.

But as we've gathered Chad is a bad man (or an 'un méchant homme' as the French say) as, during the movie, he spikes Julie's root beer and renders her unconscious before driving her to a motel and taking loads of photos of her in a variety of more and more sexually provocative poses.

Well it's a TV movie so basically he lifts her skirt to expose her thigh but you get the idea.

And to think that if he'd have taken Eddie's suggestion he'd have just popped his penis in the bottom of the popcorn box and waited for her to grab it.

Still can't believe how many times I fell for hat, my dad was such a joker.


Julie awakes to find herself in Chad's car as he drives her home, explaining that she had fallen asleep during the film and he's been driving around in the hope that the fresh air would wake her up.

Seems legit.

After retreating to his darkroom to see what develops, creepy Chad smugly shows Julie the photographs and blackmails her into all manner of sexy stuff, threatening to call the police if she refuses, leaving the timid teacher no choice but to go along with his perverted plan.

Spooky dissolves and Julie looking more and more shot to fuck and we're several weeks into the sordid situation, Julie is shuffling around her abuser's pad in an oversized housecoat as Chad clicks his fingers and demands a drink.

As Julie hands over the glass she suddenly switches off the stereo/radiogram she mysteriously announces that "The game is over." and stares intently at a by now confused Chad.

As she sips her drink the tricky teacher admits that she was the one to manipulate the whole situation, planting the lustful seed in Chad's head.

"Did you really think that dull, little mind of yours could possibly have conceived any of the rather dramatic experiences we've shared? She asks.

And with that she begins to laugh as Chad slowly chokes on his poisoned beverage.

As he breathes his last,  Julie drags his body into the darkroom where she sets fire to both it and the saucy snaps.


As Julie's flatmate sits on the edge of her bed offering sympathy and support Julie holds back the tears as she leafs thru' the local paper reports on Chad's tragic demise but as her pal leaves for work Julie jumps up and cuts out the headline, adding it to a scrapbook of articles about students who all met similar fates.

As she pops the book in her drawer there's a knock at the door as yet another  student (Small screen Logan's Run star Harrison) in need of some extra-curriculum help introduces himself.....


And with that we're off to meet 'Millicent and Therese'.

Mousy Millicent is convinced that her sister Therese is evil.

And by evil she doesn't just mean in a steal her make-up/boyfriend/not do the washing up kind of way but actually evil.

As in she worships the Devil.

Oh yeah, and she forced herself on her boyfriend whilst wearing a huge studded leather strap-on.

And she fucked her dad.

The last one tho' is fairly understandable as he was quite handsome according to the family photo on the piano.

When Therese is out gallivanting one eve Millicent invites the aforementioned beau, local butcher and part-time hand model Thomas Amman (Karlen - Harvey from Cagney and Lacey as well as the brutish Stefan from Harry Kümel's classic Daughters Of Darkness) round for tea, biscuits and a plea to dump her sister.

Amman is dubious about Millicent's mad claims, until that is she asks him how his bum is feeling and with that he realises that everything he's been told about Therese is true and with a slamming of his cup he storms out of the house.

Collar and cuffs.

With her work done Millicent phones the family GP, the shock-haired Dr. Gordon Ramsey (Police Academy's Commandant Eric Lassard himself Gaynes) for her weekly bitchfest regarding her wayward sibling.

But this time it's different as she thinks she may have a way of dealing with Therese once and for all.

Millicent bids the doctor farewell before taking a tiny doll from a box, laying it next to a book that's entitled Voodoo Curses.

Or something.

Worried by this news Ramsey quickly drives to their house where he is greeted not by Millicent but by the vampish Terese - all bleached hair, pushed up boobs and clad in what looks like a tiny red belt.

As Ramsey attempts to show her the error of her ways the narrow hipped vixen just giggles and strokes her thigh provocatively.

Which if I'm honest works for me.

The doc is having none of it tho' and storms off to cries of "Don't you like girls?" as Therese throws herself onto the sofa and smokes a fag (well it is a very nice sofa) before heading off upstairs to bang on her sisters door whilst hurling abuse at her thru the keyhole.


Later that night Ramsey receives another call from Millicent, this time to inform him that she wont be needing his help in future as she knows what to do.

And again Ramsey runs out to his car and heads to the house only this time to find  Therese dead on her bedroom floor with the tiny doll next to her and Millicent nowhere to be found.

With a sigh Dr. Ramsey phones an ambulance.

Explaining the situation to the newly arrived ambulancemen Ramsey reveals that he is the family doctor and - in a twist so obvious it would be scarier if it were any other explanation - that Therese and Millicent are in fact the same person.

You see, the Therese personality did indeed sleep with her dad and quite possibly murdered her mum and the Millicent personality appeared in an attempt to repress the all the sexiness or something and that her sisters murder was actually a bizarre suicide.

Look I'm not a doctor but it seemed to make sense whilst I was watching.

Tho' I may have been distracted by George Gaynes' tie.


We're onto the final stretch now where we're about to meet Amelia, a quiet, unassuming lady who lives alone in a swanky high-rise apartment building that she's house sitting for some unnamed couple.

Well obviously they have names it's just that the script doesn't give them.

Returning home after a busy day shopping for her 'man friends' birthday present she kicks off her shoes and excitedly opens a large box she's just taken out of her Asda bag for life. laying its contents on the table.

But not in that way obviously.

And what, pray, has she purchased for him?

Well it's a wooden fetish of a Zuni warrior and not a melted, bootleg Rick James action figure as I originally thought.

Equipped with razor sharp teeth and a dangerous looking spear, the statue comes with a scroll proclaiming that the doll contains the actual spirit of the infamous Zuni hunter Brian "He Who Kills" Waterhouse and that the gold chain fastened around its waist keeps the spirit trapped within and therefore stops it from going on a killing spree.

You can see where this is going can't you?


As Amelia makes a phone call to her overbearing mother she struggles to cancel their weekly meet-up in order to meet her beau, becoming more and more nervous and frigidity as her mother's complaints intensify.

Fiddling with the doll as she becomes even more anxious she doesn't notice when the gold chain becomes lose and eventually falls off.


Later that evening, after phoning her friend to cancel then sucking up to her mum, Amelia decides to defrost a fantastic meal for one and prepare herself for a lonely night in front of the TV fiddling with herself whilst ogling Henry Clavill on Graham Norton but as she's checking the instructions on the Asda Meals for One chicken korma she notices a strange noise emanating from the living room so goes to investigate.

Entering the darkened living room she soon realizes that the Zuni doll has disappeared from the coffee table and, on returning to the kitchen that the knife is missing too.



As she frantically searches for the knife (it's called 'acting' darling) the Zuni doll suddenly appears from nowhere and attempts to bite her ankles sending poor Amelia into a screaming frenzy.

As she attempts to flee the doll gives chase in a scene that in no way influenced Sam Raimi when he made Evil Dead 2  which culminates in our heroine holed up in the bathroom whilst the Zuni doll tries to stab her under the door like dolls normally don't.

Hilarity and Looney Tunes style chase scenes ensue and after attempting to drown it in the bath and then lock it in a suitcase, Amelia finally manages to trap the doll in the oven where it catches fire, holding the door shut as its howls and screams fill the room as it burns.


Waiting till the screaming has stopped Amelia sheepishly opens the oven to make sure that the doll is dead only to be struck by a billowing black smoke that envelopes her as she herself let's out a blood-curdling scream....

Time passes and the next thing we see is Amelia calming calling her mother to apologise for cancelling their meet-up and inviting her to come for dinner.

But as the phone call ends Amelia crouches down and begins to stab  the floor with a carving knife, her scary grin revealing the pointy teeth of the Zuni doll whose spirit now lives within her.

After teaming up to give the world the hero it deserved in Carl Kolchak from The Night Stalker, the diabolical dream team of director Dan (Dark Shadows, The Norliss Tapes and Burnt Offerings) Curtis and writer Richard (The Incredible Shrinking Man, I Am Legend and all the really good The Twilight Zone episodes) Matheson decided to try their hand with the pesky anthology genre - basing each of the tales on one of Matheson's short story and casting a single actress to play all the lead roles.

Enter (not like that you sick puppy) the frankly fantastic Karen Black, famous for her stand out performances in the Jack Nicholson starrers Five Easy Pieces and Easy Rider as well as The Great Gatsby and disaster porn epic Airport ‘75 alongside Charlton Heston - who may or may not have had a vest on.

But is it any good?

In a word, yes.

And although "Amelia" is the story that everyone remembers (it was even remade by RuPaul back in the 80s**) it's actually "Julie" with it's plot about toxic masculinity that resonates the most to a modern viewer - watching it in a post #MeToo world the story takes on a more serious and disturbing tone that makes for incredibly uncomfortable viewing.

And remember that due to censorship constraints when it came to what could or couldn't be broadcast on TV this is in no small part down to the performances and really is a case of less being more.


 "Millicent and Therese" on the other hand couldn't be more obvious from the minute it starts tho' is worth it again just for Black's performance.

And her clumpy white shoes obviously.

But it's “Amelia” that everyone seems to remember.

With Matheson adapting his own stage play - which also starred Black - 'Prey' for the film (the first two segments were adapted by William F. Nolan) and Black herself rewriting some of the dialogue, the story is lean and mean with the Zuni doll coming across like the Tasmanian Devils smarter brother and inspiring everyone from the aforementioned Sam Raimi to Joe Dante along the way.

But it's the segments final shot that's the killer.

Well worth a rewatch or even just a watch if, like me you'd never gotten round to it.

* Which is, in fact, clips from Curtis and Matheson’s previous collaboration - the classic 1972 TV movie The Night Stalker.

**Way back in 1984 and long before RuPaul became a household name, he appeared in Jon Witherspoon's 12-minute lo-fi remake/homage to “Amelia” that replaces the originals fear quota with various shots of the star taking a bath and lingering looks at his - albeit peachy - arse.

Which if I'm honest kinda works.


Sunday, November 4, 2018


Go all the way to Manchester to buy antiques only to find that George was away at his cottage for the weekend....

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

danse macabre.

It's time to share the Suitcase Halloween mixes again...Almost 4 hours of terrifying tunes, sinister samples and killer beats. 


 Download volume one here.

Download volume two here.

bad dad gas.

It's the last day of 31 Days of Horror and I'm feeling very refreshed.

Not only because the final movie is a corker but because someone said something nice about the blog on Twitter t'other week:

This must be what being popular feels like.

Anyway on with the movie.

Well on with the review, I mean I watched the movie last night.

Tho' I could probably put it on again.

Yes it's that good.

Demon Wind (1990).
Dir: Charles Philip Moore.
Cast:: Eric Larsonn, Francine Lapensee, Bobby Johnston, Lynn Clark, Mark David Fritsche, Sherry Bendorf, Jack Vogel, Stephen Quadros, Richard Gabai, Mia Ruiz, C.D.J. Koko, Rufus Norris and Sandra Margot.

“And now my pig, you die!”

Welcome to 1930s backwoods, USA, where burned and crucified bodies and market stall prints of Jesus (or is it Ewan McGregor?) litter the grounds - and walls - of the tiny farmhouse home of the God-fearing (and ferret toothed) Regina Carter who, alongside her long-suffering husband George is busy lighting candles in an attempt to stop evil demons entering her house.

Tho' probably not her lady garden as from the look of her that's already been the site of a good few hauntings.

As the camera pans across old family photographs and more cheap religious tat the sounds of spooky voices fill the air as Regina stands steadfast against the front door as if trying to stop some unknown - and unseen - force from entering.

George on the other hand is just standing in the background like a huge cardboard cock.

Albeit one that's dribbling vegetable soup whilst growling.

Turning to face her by now soup covered and Chip-Stick fanged hubbie Regina quickly grabs a poundshop snowglobe and threatens to break it, announcing that if she does it will be the end of them both.

As you do.

Unconcerned by the threat of ornament breakage George lunges at his wife and she drops the globe which shatters into a pool of blood and causes the house to explode.

Which was a wee bit unexpected I'll admit.

That ain't no's Jesus!

With a quick cut and a title card that says 'PRESENT' (which I am) we're in the modern day times where the tiny-eyed teen - yeah right - Cory (Larson whom you may remember from his top turn as the Internal Affairs Guy from the episode of Angel 'Reprise') and his girlfriend Elaine (Producer/Director/Actor Lapensee) are uncomfortably driving along a very empty dirt track on their way to visit his grandparents' farm.

It seems that poor Cory had a strange childhood, estranged from his father his only link to the past is the aforementioned farmhouse and the tales of the strange goings on that happened there.

As if some strange foreboding of things to come an inbred, snub-nosed ginger child stands silently on a hill pointing a stick at them.

I bet his girlfriend is so looking forward to this weekend trip, I mean I'm depressed just writing about it.


With the conversation as stilted as the pairs acting ability there's blessed relief when they stop at 'crazy' Barry Harcourt's (Olivier winning theatre director Norris - no really) gas station and cafe for directions, a quick snack and an excuse for Elaine to flash her love heart pants at Cory, much to the chagrin of the owner who berates them before giving an airing to the age old "Keep away from the farm or you'll be doomed!" speech so well loved in 80s horror epics.

Cory, ignoring the warnings, tells Elaine that he's adamant that he's been here before in a strange dream where he's naked apart from a thermos flask to cover his dignity and just to prove it's so the director lovingly shows us this very dream.

Which if nothing else goes to show how pert Cory's arse is.

Honestly he could crack walnuts between those buttocks.

Unfortunately we don't get to see them in action as the dream suddenly ends with the appearance of Cory's blood soaked (as opposed to gin soaked) grannie.

All this bizarro shite is soon is cut short tho' when more of Cory's entourage arrive at the gas station, there's the buff stud muffin and wannabe wife beater Dell (Erotic Confessions star Johnston), his yumsome, red-tighted girlfriend Terri (Santa Barbara's Clark) and the frighteningly horse faced Bonnie (Hollywood stunt royalty Bendorf) alongside the bespectacled Jack (Fritsche) as well as the council estate Michael Biehn Stacy (Vogel) alongside amateur magician cum fulltime spunkbucket Chuck (ex drummer with rock gods Snow and almost KISS percussionist Quadros) who - in one of the greatest moments in cinema - arrives on the scene decked in a cape and bowtie whilst performing magic tricks from the front seat of a convertible as The Ride of the Valkyries blares over the car stereo before getting down to threatening Dell with his sexy Kung Fu moves.

No really.

Kick, punch it's all in the mind.

As the group grab a drink Cory decides to get everyone (including us) up to speed with regards to his dear old dad who, it turns out was born a mere four days before the farm house exploded  and how, shortly after Cory was born, he returned there and was never heard from again until that is Cory caught up with him a few weeks back.

Oh yes and it turns out that within hours of catching up with his son that the poor old sod slashed his wrists and died.

Which is a bit excessive really, I mean mine just ignores me.

Surprisingly the entire group react not with fear or concern but mild disinterest and with that they all head to their cars eager to get to the farm house and the promise of a feast of egg sandwiches and cans of pop.

When the gang finally arrive at the farm you can see that they're oh so slightly disappointed by what they find as it consists of a smashed wall, some bricks piled in a corner and a three walled barn.

Yup, it's gonna be a cold night.

As a plus point tho' there is the burnt remains of the skeleton crucified to a tree by the gate which probably counts as a selling feature.

Trying to make the best of a bad - alright utterly shite - situation the group start to unload their cars but in the excitement Bonnie manages to trip over her massive chin and lands face to, um, skull with a skeleton poking out of the grass and as Cory goes to help her up our hero accidentally touches it causing a threadbare explosion of felt pen-based rotoscoping of the kind not since you used to add laser effects to your super 8 movies with a pin.

But if that wasn't enough to caused you to fill your trousers with fright then the fact that this causes Cory to experience hallucinatory images of his dad/uncle/cousin (I don't care) getting attacked by a loud noise should make you at least check for leakage.

Dollar have let themselves go.

Dell searching around in the bushes for something to abuse comes across - not in that way tho' I'd not be surprised if he did seeing as his entire character is a literal #metoo meme -  a rusty old lantern and quickly surmises that a bad man started a fire and killed everyone tho' Cory isn't convinced and proceeds to walk around the desolated ruin for no reason other than to freak out the audience when he stands in the doorway facing his pals who it turns out can't see him.

Scarily all they see is a rustically furnished and non-trashed farmhouse.

Yet no-one and I do mean no-one thinks this is at all odd.

Cory walks all the way back to his friends and they all head inside.

Yup, into a farm house which they have just seen exists in two separate dimensions.

A farm house that exists in two separate dimensions and has glowing, laser firing skulls buried outside.

And a crucified corpse as a garden ornament.

And not one of them thinks this is in any way odd.

There's even scary Sumerian style text scrawled on the walls Ala Evil Dead.

Seriously I've never wished death on anyone as much as I have on Cory and his pals.

Yes they're that stupid.

But kinda lovable too.

Weird science!

Bonnie, having the biggest face and therefore being the most able to read the mystic runes from a distance begins to recite the words out loud causing the fireplace to burst into flames (well it is a fireplace I guess) and the entire contents of the house to start flying around as crockery and the like usually don't.

As the stench of an entire group of teens shitting themselves fills the air everyone legs it out of the Farmhouse before Chuck and Stacy head back in after retrieving guns from their car.

No doubt Chuck turned a couple of rabbits into the firearms as magicians usually do in times of stress.

This guy puts Paul Daniels to shame.

Voting to turn around and go home (a wise idea if not a very cinematic one) Cory desperately tries to persuade them to stay saying that it was just the (demon) wind when suddenly, as if right on cue, the crucified skeletons falls to the ground.

With this the entire group hurry back to their cars but - surprise surprise - none of them will start.

Bonnie, hungry for sugar lumps, begins to panic and grabs her (saddle) bags before quickly walking in the direction of the gas station.

As her friends begin to follow a mysterious howling wind picks up and a spooky fog appears from nowhere.

I say nowhere but I'm assuming it's from a smoke machine placed just out of shot.

As the fog disappears the group realise that they've been transported right back to outside the house.

But this time they're not alone as three creepy wee girls cosplaying Laura Ingalls have appeared from nowhere to hurl abuse at our freaked out friends.

Dell, being a caring guy almost immediately tries to punch one of them but is cast aside like a rag doll which causes poor Bonnie to get even more upset and attempt to gallop away.

One of the girls makes a grab for Bonnie and in a flash of felt pen animation turns her into a doll.

Not a doll that looks anything like her obviously just a common or garden cheap toy shop doll that has a vague approximation of her outfit on.

As in it's the same colour.

Sort of.

No idea why they didn't just use a Barbie horse tho' as that'd been a perfect match.

"Me? stay in a haunted house? Neigh chance!"

The director has one more cruel twist of fate for Bonnie tho' as after it utters a few scary words it bursts into flames.

The friends just look at each other and shrug before heading back into the house to bed down for the night because, as Cory so eloquently puts it, it'll probably be safer than sleeping in their cars.

Yup if I have the choice between sleeping in a locked car or in a haunted house that phases between two different dimensions I know which I'd choose.

Occupying themselves by cleaning the place up before teatime the group of friends are understandably upset when just as Stacy places the last doily on the sofa arm another demon wind blows thru' the house and messes it up again.

Cory however doesn't seem to notice as he's way too busy following a ghostly vision of his grandmother down into the basement where she leads him to her handy spellbook and a couple of demon killing daggers.

Which is nice seeing as all my gran ever gave me was a feeling of shame and the fact that I was considered an abomination and a mistake by everyone.

Including the local vicar and most of the nearby women's institute.

Anyway, enough of my dark secrets as there are plenty on screen to go around as Cory is keen to share as he reads from his Nan's book.

It seems that years back his family chased a preacher named Barry 'Beast' Enders out of the area after he began worshiping Satan and converting a load of local farmers.

And with this stunning revelation the group settle for bed leaving the gun-toting
magicians Chuck and Stacy on guard.

Well they do have magical powers.

And guns obviously.

As the night (and the movie) drags on the pair notice a voice calling to them from the fog and as they peer ever closer to the window a ghostly blonde bird (former 'adult' movie star and current reality TV starring bail-bonds woman Margot) appears, wearing what looks like your Mum's best underwear and calling their names as she pens her -smashing - blouse revealing her breasts.

Which is a blessed relief as it takes your attention away from her harsh face.

As she fades back into the fog I'm surprised to say that the pair actually realise it's a trick but decide to go out anyway and shoot some stuff.

"Boiled onions!"

As they search thru' the fog for the floaty old lady a shambling group of zombie demons appear on the horizon and our trick-performing twosome start blasting away in between Chuck karate kicking the undead horde in the face.

The tide of battle soon turns against the two friends tho' and Chuck can only look on in mild apathy as Stacy is cut down by the demons leaving Chuck no choice but to run back to the house and - rather than just quickly go inside and shut the door - hang around till the topless woman kills him.

As his dying screams - and not I repeat not the sound of multiple gunshots - finally wake everyone up
he surviving group rush to the windows to take a peek outside and see their friends dead bodies, giving Terri the chance to deliver the greatest onscreen NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! since James Earl Jones in Revenge of The Sith.

As the sun rises our merry band are excited to hear a car in the distance, it seems that Cory's pals, the dangly earinged Willy (Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective star cum latter day producer and director Gaba)
and his girlfriend Reena (Ruiz whom you may remember as Mr. Reindeer's Resident Valet #1 in Wild At Heart and as the saucy Michelle in Witchcraft II: The Temptress - no? Suit yourselves) have turned up to join in the fun.

As the group run towards the car Cory frantically yells for them to keep the engine running in the hope that they can all pile in and escape but Willy unable to hear them over not just the noise of the engine but also over his awesomeness turns it off and shouts "What?" really loudly.

The Take That reunion tour got off to a shaky start...

Realising that they're all basically fucked the pals head back to the farm and begin boarding up the windows - which if you remember don't exist from the outside - and fashioning weapons to defend themselves using leftover pots and pans.

Well it keeps them busy.

Dell and Terri on the other hand have decided to make a run for it and grabbing a blanket for the journey head out into the unknown where they soon die.

No loss there then.

As the friends beaver away at the windows Jack notices that the barn has mysteriously rebuilt itself and in a bizarre leap of logic decides that the evil must be hiding in there so they all head over to investigate.

Disappointingly as barns go this one seems pretty ordinary - except for the runes daubed in blood on the walls and the crucified human skeleton with a bulls skull for a head obviously - so the friends continue to poke around.

All except Reena that is who slowly approaches the skeleton, transfixed by its strange beauty.

Well that's what she says.

Personally I reckon she just wants to know if he's in proportion.

As she gets nearer a massive tongue lashes out of the skull and wraps itself around her neck, dragging her ever nearer before biting her head off.

Which is nice.

"Is it in yet?"

Cory and co. turn to leave but find their exit blocked by their magician mates who are now possessed by demons, Jack, coming over all Rowdy Roddy Piper (not literally mind) threatens to shoot the pair but is politely informed that guns wont work in the house of the Devil.

Or even his barn possibly.

After punching Willy in the face the pair attempt to attack Elaine, which is when Cory remembers that he has a couple of demon destroying daggers. He waves them at his former friends till they run away giving everyone a chance to return to the farmhouse.

Except Willie that is, they left him lying unconscious in the barn.

Friends eh?

As they turn back and get him, Reena appears carrying his severed head like a novelty handbag and Cory realising that the films running time is rapidly coming to an end decides to get all proactive, stabbing her with a dagger and causing her - and it - to explode in a shower of cartoon light.

Everyone - well everyone who's left - piles into the farmhouse as the demon hordes stumble out of the barn toward them.

But as the undead army gets closer a strange ray of light emanates from the farmhouse causing them to burst into flames.

Yup it appears dear old grannie installed a demon repellent ray in the roof.

Pity she never felt need to mention it earlier.

Or at all.

As the mysterious magical forcefield begins to fade the demons roughly enter the house and as an undead Terri bites Jack and Bonnie gallops over a hill to beg for death all seems lost but as the Devil himself prepares to make an entrance it appears that there's more to Cory than first appears.

Could he really be some superhero-style Satan smasher in disguise?

Most famous for being one of the first movies released on VHS to have a lenticular cover - glad to see they spent the money in the right place - Demon Wind is what would happen if you showed The Evil Dead to a sugared-up 12 year old with ADHD then got him to rewrite the script from memory.

Yes it's that good.

Writer/director Charles Philip Moore (he who gave us the classic 1994 'erotic' thriller Angel of Destruction as well as the Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson hit Blackbelt) throws caution - and budgetary constraints - to the (demon) wind to bring us a tale that's as mesmerizing as it is ludicrous - mad, at times painfully bad and - if not dangerous - then at least slightly dippy to know.

From it's bizarro nude dream sequences to it's Rentaghost style (not so) special effects and vegetable soup spewing demons via fright masked fight scenes and random scary children pointing sticks at nothing in particular, Demon Wind at once encapsulates both the very best and the arse clenching worst of late 80s American horror cinema.

Oh and did I mention it features magic tricks?

Soup in mah mooth.

Those less forgiving may accuse the whole sorry affair of being a wee bit shite, well if that's at all true then at least it's bloody enjoyable shite, cramming more into its running time than most other movies of its ilk combined and if that means there's less time to worry about little things like logic and basic storytelling tropes then who am I to argue?

Really, there's not much you can say about Demon Wind other than you need to experience it for yourself.

Sheer lo-fi horror genius.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

(bloody) moonhead.

It's the penultimate 31 Days of Horror post so wanted to build up to Halloween with a classic when I noticed this review languishing unloved on about page 735 of the blog.

Yes I know everyone should have seen it but who knows there may be a wee boy reading who has never experienced the sheer joy of....

Bloody Moon (1981).
Dir: Jesus Franco.
Star: Olivia Pascal, Christop Moosbrugger, Nadja Gerganoff and some other folk with made up names.

It's almost the witching hour, the moon is full and the night is as quiet as the grave.

Suddenly the deathly silence is broken by the squeak of a wheelchair trundling thru' the dark shadows and a woman's angry voice: "Miguel!... I'm your sister, don't look at me that way!"

The pudding bowl haircutted and facially fucked Miguel (Moosbrugger wearing what looks like a bucket of dried horse cum on his cheeks) stands in the moonlight dribbling as his sexy (in a 70's breasted way) sister Manuela (the local nosed Olivia Pascal) continues to berate him before ordering him back to the local dance club in the hope that all that jiving will make him far too tired to start wanking in her underpant drawer later.

Wandering among the hip 'n' happening party goers he picks up not only a pound shop Mickey Mouse mask but a sexy disco diva to boot and the pair soon head back to her chalet for some steamy and sweaty sex.

Well it is a short film.

Unfortunately at the moment of climax she pulls off his mask to reveal the aforementioned heavily scarred (and atrociously haircutted) Miguel leering over her like Jimmy Savile in a creche.

Annoyed at the fact that she finds his face scary (especially after the intimate moments they've just shared) he decides that rather than sort the misunderstanding out over a nice cup of tea it'd be easier to stab her to death with a pair of scissors.

As one would.

Hilarity unfortunately does not ensue.

Years later he is released from 'hospital' into his sister's care, allegedly cured and ready to return to society.

Just one thing the doctor's warn her, "...avoid references to that unfortunate night. He might not be that cured."

Which is nice.

Obviously the best thing to do is to take Miguel back to the scene of the murder, (now open as The International Youth-Club Boarding School of Languages, run by Miguel's wheelchair bound mum).

So dear viewer let's sit back and see what happens.

Luckily for those of us who like to take the piss out of those less fortunate than ourselves the school is populated by the biggest collection of freaks this side of a Todd Browning convention.

Or Govan on Giro day.

Well on any day really.

Admit it, Glasgow girls are best.

There's the grunting handyman, Paco, a beast of a bloke obsessed with hitting sign posts randomly with hammers whilst rubbing his crotch; a slug murdering gardener; a twitchy, ferret like head professor and a South American studly tennis tutor with a permanent hard on and a never ending line of ladies willing to sit on it.

Good job then that all the students are female and decked out in crotch splitting hot pants, Farrah flicks and skin tight tee's, coming out with such quality lines as: "The best way to learn a language is in bed!"

There are actually a few more quality lines but to be honest my computer was sick as I typed them.

"Put it in me!"

Miguel meanwhile, has become obsessed by the raven haired (yet shark toothed) Angela (Gerganoff), a girl he sat opposite on the train journey to the school and begins to follow her around like a lovesick (and bowl-head) puppy.


Feeling sexually renewed (alright just downright horny) by these pangs of young love and realising that it will come to nothing, our scarred sibling decides to ask Manuela if they can continue their incestuous relationship (as you would), even going as far as to attempt a sexy seduction by licking the grit from between her toes.

Pascal: Pig in a market.

After taking a minute to think about it (and no doubt about what happened last time) she refuses.

Miguel is heartbroken (and maybe, just maybe a teensy bit mad): "Only if we could get rid of everyone, then things could go back to the way they were." He cries.

Then the fun really begins as Angela's friends are dispatched one by one.....oh and someone cuts a grass snake in half.

Unfortunately for our heroine, nobody believes her story of a killer on campus.

But we know better obviously.

Don't leave me hanging!

The killer even goes so far as to hang one of Angela's pals in her cupboard but spitefully removes it before she can get help.

Confused and scared, Angela finally looks to Miguel's mum and sister for support - well, obviously not the mum, she can't support herself without sticks let alone Angela.

Will the killer be caught before it's too late?

Laugh now!

Bloody Moon is the mad, bad and dangerous to know idiot offspring of a sleazy late night kebab fueled shag between your average American slasher movie and a lonely homesick Italian giallo it's met in a dive bar and took back to a dirty hotel after first spiking it's drink.

A totally screwy mix of sex, violence and cack handed dubbing from Spain's busiest exploitation maestro, the great Jesus Franco, a man who would've filmed his elderly mother suffering a stroke if he thought there was a market for it.

"Blood in mah mooth!"

Franco spent his career churning out everything from sordid women in prison flicks to sordid lesbian vampire ones and who holds the record of being the 'director' with the most movies on the DPP ‘video-nasties’ list in the UK during the 80's.

The confused tone inherent in the film isn't helped by the fact that most of it is German financed but with a bizarro mix of (horrendously dubbed) Italian and Spanish actors whilst Franco appears to be nonchalantly working to his own agenda.

The money men obviously wanted a cheap and cheerful disco dancing, gory, mentalist murders teens flick whilst Franco has decided this was to be his homage to John Carpenter and (ye gads) Brian DePalma.

Everyone (except Jess, God love him) appears to be embarrassed by the whole thing, especially Olivia Pascal who doesn't even mention it on her resume (it's becoming a habit on here, dredging up serious actors shameful pasts).

The fact that she's done more dodgy porn than Robert Kurman and puts that on her CV says a lot about her experiences here.

Olivia Pascal:
we know where you live.

But saying that, any movie that's paid homage to by Pedro Almodovar (the death by circular saw scene is "quoted" in his laugh a minute Matador) is OK by me.

Trust StevieDee collection is complete without this movie.


Monday, October 29, 2018

spun doctored.

Seeing as the new series of Doctor Who has been successful enough to launch a high-end clothing/accessory line I thought I'd take a trip back to what we fans (and our Action Men) had to wear in the 80s....if our Grannie's could sew that is.