Monday, May 16, 2016

blatant plug.

The reason for the distinct lack of updates of late....Coming soon....

Sunday, May 15, 2016

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 58).

The votes are in and Europe has spoken.

Unfortunately it was a sentence of utter bollocks and structured in broken English....So I feel I should rectify that, I mean  at least one of us should give Jamie-Lee Kriewitz the love she deserves.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

comic sans.

The heroes we deserve....not coming to a cinema near you any time soon.

But coming to the Arena as soon as obviously.


Tuesday, May 3, 2016

look who's stalking.

Approached this expecting a shite, cheaply made found footage fiasco that I'd be able to quite lazily lay into.

But guess what?

It's not half bad.

Apologies for the brief review but I'd hate to give too much away.

Anyway, I'm not getting paid by the word so without further ado ladies and gentlemen I give you....

Man Vs. (2015).
Dir: Adam Massey.
Cast: Chris Diamantopoulos, a wolf and some (dead) fish.

Buff and bearded outdoors type Doug (Diamantopoulos, Clark Ingram in everyones fave TeeVee show Hannibal as well as the current voice of Mickey Mouse - no really), the star of the hit cable series Man Vs. (see what they did there?) is - when we first meet him - preparing to shoot the first episode of the aforementioned shows third season.

The format is simple, our hairy hero is dropped off in some god-forsaken place (Cradley Heath for example) where, using only his finely honed outdoor skills - and his frighteningly firm buttocks - he must survive unaided for five days.

With his head full of rumours that this year is the year that the show will break the big time, Doug heads into the Temagami woodlands of Northern Ontario (playing itself) for a few days of eating berries, sleeping under the stars and shitting in holes whilst chatting animatedly into a tiny camera.

So exactly like life in Cradley then.

Minus the hole for shitting in obviously, they just do it in the street.

"He did what in his cup?"

Leaving the production team at base camp Doug is soon settled in a peaceful wooded area, starting a fire using only an empty pop can (which is genuinely impressive), catching a couple of rabbits and building a bed that would put Ikea to shame before waxing lyrically to the audience at home in a manner usually reserved for dashing dreamboats.

Even I found myself going a wee bit red thinking that he was actually talking just to me.

Yes, Diamantopoulos is that engaging as a lead.

Unfortunately things start to go a wee bit awry that evening when Doug is awoken by a loud bang (and no it's not your mum) followed by a terrible wind (again not your mum) and a fairly impressive (for the meagre budget) light display.

Luckily Doug is made of stern stuff so thinking that it's either low flying aircraft - or wolves - he nonchalantly goes back to sleep with a promise to camera to investigate the next morning.

As morning dawns Doug heads to the river to catch a fish or two for breakkie only to discover them all floating dead on the waters surface and a massive hole in the tree line.

Which is a wee bit unexpected.

Assuming that it's either a plane crash or his team mates taking the piss Doug goes with the latter and attempts to ring them on his swanky GPS cum mobile phone only to be met by static.

Unflappable as ever our bearded bushwhacker thinks nothing of it and heads back to camp to skin his rabbit.

As in the one he caught earlier, it's not a euphemism for nature based masturbation.

~But it might as well be seeing as upon his return the rabbit has gone, his bed has been rifled thru and most spooky of all someone has moved the pieces on his mini chess set.

Could Doug have a stalker in the forest?

And if so could it be related to the strange light in the sky?

Or is it in fact just wolves?

Go on, guess.


Playing out like a back to basics Predator - only with Bear Grylls replacing Arnie - Man Vs. is a lean, mean Tribute to The Twilight Zone hat ultimately works because of it's lo-fi feel rather than despite it.

A case in point is the fact that for the majority of the movie we only have one cast member to carry the whole thing, luckily Diamantopoulos is naturally easy-going and genuinely charming enough to pull it off, turning from happy-go-lucky to terrified at the flick of a camera switch.

And nothing showcases this better than the brilliant mix of standard filming with 'found' footage from Doug's cameras which not only adds an air of menace to the scenes of him being watched but is also a unique way to have Doug communicate with the audience.

Inside Harry Hill's mind.

So what if the twist is a wee bit obvious from the start (and spoiled somewhat by some slightly shady CG during the reveal)?

Be honest you can't be too disappointed or would you really prefer it to be a chess playing raccoon stalking him in the woods?

Plus if you decide to buy into it and go along for the ride it has a pay-off that would do Rod Serling proud.

Proving once and for all that less can really be more, Man Vs. is well worth a visit.

Just don't forget to pack a hunting knife.


Saturday, April 30, 2016

suits you sir.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you (not literally mind) the fantastic Japanese G.I. Joe bootleg Combat Joe complete with his very own Godzilla costume.

Quite possibly the most glorious toy ever.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 57).

The home counties husband slasher herself, the chump-chibbing, posh noshing Helen Archer (as played by Louiza Patikas).


underground pervy.

School holibags time and add to that a scary amount of work coming my way it's no surprise that I've had sod all time to watch many new movies of late.

I did get round to revisiting this old friend in preparation for the twins birthday tho'.

Ladies and gents I give you - in quite a short form....

'Inseminoid' (aka Horror Planet. 1981)

Dir: Norman J. Warren.
Cast: Judy Geeson, Jennifer Ashley, Stephanie Beacham, Dominic Jephcott, Steven Grives, Victoria (sister of David) Tennant, Rosalind Lloyd, Robert Pugh and Kevin O'Shea.

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Inseminoid's subtle poster campaign.

Somewhere in space (OK it's Chislehurst Caves in Chislehurst, Kent. Obviously Wookey Hole in Somerset was overrun with Cybermen at the time) a British led scientific/mining/archaeological mission is busy digging up rare alien artefacts and even rarer colourful rocks.

You can tell it's a British mission because whereas the Yanks have shiny rockets, jetpacks and lasers, this bunch here have buckets and spades, Kwik Fit overalls and a chainsaw amongst their equipment.....oh, and big 80s hair.

Imagine Alien remade with the cast and crew of On The Buses and you're halfway there.

Digging about in the tunnels one day the team come across a shiny plastic rock much like the type you get on fireplaces which immediately explodes directly in front of the blond beefcake of the group, Dean (Brit teevee stalwart Jephcott) Gaffney's face, causing some nasty chafing and more importantly a serious case of mascara based alien possession.

This possession manifests itself when Dean begins to run around the base in his pants and socks around trying to strangle his fellow team members before escaping into the tunnels.

But not until he's pushed payload specialist Gayle Tuesday (Lloyd who was once in Doctor Who) over so violently that she gets her foot stuck in a hole.

"Laugh now!"

If that wasn't enough to ruin her day her life support system heater has run out and she hasn't got any spare coins for the meter.

Obviously worried by this turn of events she breathlessly radio's the base for help.

Pity the groups resident sponge-bob, Gary is on communications duty that day.

Rather than waste valuable preening time going out and rescuing her, Gary suggests that she pulls the air pipe off her spacesuit, stick it in her tiny, bird like mouth and suck on it whilst hacking at her ankle with a blunt nail-file.

The following scene is no mooth shite-in but it does come close.

As did I.

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"Pipe in mah mooth!"

It comes as no surprise to the viewer that the poor cow dies from a mix of blood loss and septicaemia due to putting a dirty hoover attachment into her gob.

But this is only the beginning of the horror that is Inseminoid.

You see whilst all this limb lopping and pipe moothin' is going on sexy button nosed biologist Sandy (English Rose Judy - I have never done a nude scene honest - Geeson) has been busy scraping algae off some rocks with her equally bookish pal Roy (Pugh possibly, it's dark and he's wearing a goldfish bowl on his head).

After passing some particularly eggy gas in her suit Sandy passes out and just as Roy scrambles to help her he's violently decapitated (but is there any other kind of decapitation?) by an unseen alien menace.

Could the day get any worse?

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Well Sandy awakes to find herself stark bollock naked and spread-eagled on a pool table as a moon headed alien attempts to impregnated her using a length of hosepipe, 4 litres of Fairy washing up liquid and a carton of green painted free range eggs, so the answer is probably yes.

Watch out watch out....John Leslie's about!

After what seems like an eternity (well, just long enough to have a fag and make a cuppa) the surviving team members find the poor woman fully clothed (yet strangely fresh smelling) and resting against the slain body of Roy so decide to take her back to the base for a hot chocolate and a Rich Tea biscuit.

It's not long tho' before Sandy is experiencing sticky egg based nightmares, reliving (in glorious, sweaty close-up) every detail of her Venusian vaginal violation (as in the creature was from Venus, not that she has a bizarre, Giger-esque fanny tho' never having seen it she might. Judy?) which culminates in the cold blooded murder and cock eating of one of her hapless buddies.

Walking into the bathroom for a quick pee, the mumsy Barbra (Tennant) is taken aback to see Sandy, giggling away to herself as she sits astride a corpse, covered in blood and with a testicle hanging from her lips before uttering the immortal line: "Sandy! what's wrong?"

Well, that's the understated British for you.

Jumping to her feet and snarling like fairly vicious tabby, Sandy chases after Babs (in that faintly embarrassing way that girls run) who locks herself in the teevee room before pressing a load of buttons and declaring a state of emergency.

The rest of the crew, being hardened space veterans all shite themselves simultaneously.

"I'm sorry, I have a woman's period!"

Imbued with supernatural strength, a mad glint in her (boss) eyes and a frightening ability to wave her arms around like deadly windmills, Sandy will stop at nothing to protect her unborn babies which means sixty minutes of her stomping around a collection of spacey Portacabins killing everyone she meets using a collection of items you'd be surprised to find on a high-tech space mission including a nail gun, a rusty shovel and one of those long lighter things you use to start a barbecue.

Will the surviving crew find a way to defeat this mentalist mum to be or will they all die leaving the alien offspring to sneak aboard a passing rescue ship heading for Earth?

Go on, guess.

More or less tasteful?

From the unsung hero of British horror cinema, the frankly fantastic Norman J. Warren - he who gave us such classics as the dog nosed predator potboiler Prey, the slightly saucy Satan's Slave and the spooky Terror comes a bloodier, bad taste British version of Alien, filmed on a budget of £12.50 and using props and sets stolen from the Blake's Seven production office, Inseminoid is the epitome of true Brit, lo-fi sci-fi at its  most entertaining.

Plus any film that gets banned in Iceland must be worth at least a few minutes of your time.

It may be rougher than your mum but what it lacks in polish it more than makes up for with bloody violence,ttypically British nihilism and a fantastic cast that includes such luminaries as the mega-MiLF Victoria Tennant and the yummy Judy Geeson who manages the magic monster movie trick of morphing from frumpy mum to schizo-sex-kitten the more shot to fuck her character gets.

Remember I first saw this film as an impressionable 11 year old so it kinda explains my taste in girls.

Damn you Warren.

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"Put it in me!"

Even the minimalist electronic score by jazz guru John Scott, commissioned when Warren discovered that he couldn't afford a full orchestra is an asset rather than a hindrance, the retro-Radiophonic workshop style farts and plinks gently adding a final freaky feel to the lo-fi ambience permeating the rest of the film.

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Sexy Sci-Fi: British style!

From skimpy pants to dodgy model work via paper mache space sexbeasts, Inseminoid truly has something to offend everyone....and if that hasn't convinced you, then try to think how many other films allow you the pleasure of seeing an ex Carry On girl strapped naked to a table with a hosepipe stuck up her fanny in a vain attempt to suggest extra-terrestrial rape.

That'll be none then.

Buy it now and thank me later.