Wednesday, April 30, 2008

wet fish.

As in slapped by.....

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

criminalising kinkiness.



"Anyone who doesn't agree with the new law has serious mental health issues..."

Daniel, Oxford via the BBC News website.

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Your mum in your bed
whilst you were in the pub last night.


Fantastic news for all fans of Unwell style movies (oh and freedom of speech I guess) as next week sees a bill outlawing the possession of "extreme pornography" set to become law.

But many fear it has been rushed through and will criminalise innocent people not just with a harmless taste for 'unconventional' sexual practices but that the wording of the bill will also criminalise many (non-pornographic) movies too .


The campaign to ban the possession of 'violent sexual imagery' is spearheaded by Liz Longhurst whose daughter was by murdered five years ago.

It emerged that her killer had been compulsively accessing websites such as Club Dead and Rape Action, which contained (fake) images of women being abused and violated. Supported by her local media hungry MP, Martin Salter and bastion of moral decency David Blunkett, the then home secretary planned to introduce the legislation to ban the possession of "violent and extreme pornography" which gets its final reading this week and will get Royal Assent on 8 May.

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Enjoy wearing masks in the bedroom?
then you're a filthy Pervert!


Until now the smut peddlers, rather than the consumer, have needed to operate within the confines of the 1959 Obscene Publications Act, but while this law will remain, the new act is designed to reflect the realities of the internet age, when pornographic images may be hosted on websites outside the UK.

Under the new rules, criminal responsibility shifts from the producer (not the musical journey that is 'Hey Mr. Producer!') - who is responsible under the OPA - to the sweaty palmed, gimp masked consumer.

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Jodie shows how many
of her movies
will become illegal
under the new law.


But campaigners say the new law risks criminalising thousands of people who not only use violent pornography as part of consensual sexual relationships but also anyone that owns any motion picture that can be deemed to feature 'violent sexual imagery'.

As defined by this new bill it will be illegal to own (or produce) imagery that features:

An act which threatens or appears to threaten a person's life

An act which results in or appears to result in serious injury to a person's anus, breasts or genitals

An act which involves or appears to involve sexual interference with a human corpse

A person performing or appearing to perform an act of intercourse or oral sex with an animal


The main problem according to civil liberty groups is the use of the word 'appears' in the bill as this can be taken to mean scenes appearing in a non-pornographic, dramatic setting.

That's most of your DVD collections screwed dear readers.

Films that can fall foul of the new bill (and therefore can be seen as illegal to own) include amongst others:

Casino Royale (alongside most Bonds)
Visitor Q
The accused
Scum
Taxi Driver
Blue Velvet
Cape Fear
Evil Dead (it's been a long time since this was deemed obscene!)
Pulp Fiction

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(fake) corpse sex: illegal from next week.

Some sensible MP's (yup there are a few surprisingly) are also worried about the wording of the bill. The sultry Baroness Miller said "You have to be very careful about the definition of 'extreme pornography' and they have not nearly been careful enough."

She has suggested the new act adopt the legal test set out in the OPA, which bans images which "tend to deprave and corrupt" (a wee bit like photobucket does here) but our Parliamentary masters have refused.

Mrs Longhurst acknowledges that libertarians see her as "a horrible killjoy" but replied "I'm not. I do not approve of this stuff but there is room for all sorts of different people. But anything which is going to cause damage to other people needs to be stopped."

To those who fear the legislation might criminalise people who use violent pornography as a harmless sex aid, she responds with a blunt "hard luck".

"There is no reason for this stuff. I can't see why people need to see it. People say what about our human rights but where are Jane's human rights?"
A horrible Killjoy? No. Just a grieving mother coming to terms with a deep loss by trying to find a reason for her daughters death, rather than blaming the sick individual who would have killed with or without his fetish.

Truth be told the extreme pornography sites probably satisfied him enough to stop him killing earlier, without them he would still have had the same urges just no 'safe' (to begin with) release.

How long before people realise that bad things happen without the use of films, books, photo's and specialist websites?

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See?
Too much does make you go blind.


The recent jackbooted rompings of Formula 1 Fuhrer Max (son of Oswald) Mosley have served as a reminder that kinkiness is found in all walks of society.

And just as Herr Mosely is calling the revelations an invasion of his private life, so Baroness Miller says the new law also threatens people's privacy:

"The government is effectively walking into people's bedrooms and saying you can't do this. It's a form of thought police." She says there's a danger of "criminalising kinkiness".

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Blue Velvet: A sick and vile film for sick and vile people.
Probably.

"How many tens or hundreds or thousands of people are going to be dragged into a police station, have their homes turned upside down, their computers stolen and their neighbours suspecting them of all sorts?" Such "victims" won't feel able to fight the case and "will take a caution, before there are enough test cases to prove that this law is unnecessary and unworkable".

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Mosley: Nazi whore loving fan
of fisting (but aren't we all?).

Another opponent of the new law is Edward Garnier, an MP, skin care expert and part-time judge, who questioned the clause when it was debated in the Commons.

"My primary concern is the vagueness of the offence," says Mr Garnier, his voice cracked and worried. "It was very subjective and it would not be clear to me how anybody would know if an offence had been committed."

But the Ministry of Justice is arrogantly unrepentant, saying the sort of images it is seeking to outlaw are out of place in modern-day Britain (except when indulged in by Tory MP's obviously).

"Material which depicts necrophilia, bestiality or violence that is life threatening or likely to result in serious injury to the anus, breasts or genitals has no place in a modern society and should not be tolerated," says a spokeswoman for the ministry.

Well that's us told then.


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Craig: illegal bollock beating.


Yet opponents have also seized on what they see as an ideological schism (no idea what that is but it does sound impressive, a bit like that rift in Cardiff) in the new law, noted by the brave hearted Lord Wallace of Tankerness during last week's debate in the House of Lords.

"Och, If nae sexual offence is being committed it seems very odd indeed that there should be an offence for having an image of something which was not an offence, you ken?" he said before riding off to fight the English or something.

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Wallace: You'll never take
his freedom (to fuck animals).


That mad bald bloke from Mediawatch, John Beyer has been conspicuous by his absence throughout it all tho.

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

toys that look a wee bit like celebs (part one).

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

snakes on a starship.

Forget Sam Jackson, big Bill Shatner got there first.

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

crawl baby.

Apologies readers (all four of you) for the lack of posts this month, but between vomiting podlings, lack of sleep and a glut of zed grade motion pictures to get thru' everything seems to be blurring into a haze of crappy CGI monsters, wobbling boobed non-actresses, horsey teeth and gratuitous gore scenes (and that's just at home).

Anyways, here's a couple of quickies to knock my quota up as John Leslie would (possibly) say when confronting a crack fueled Matthew Wright during Lent.


Insecticidal (2005)
Dir: Jeffery Scott Lando
Cast: Meghan Heffern, Rhonda Dent, Samantha McLeod, Shawn Bachynski, Vicky Huang, Travis Watters, Anna (is this the way to) Amoroso, Natalia Walker.

“Man eating cannibal girls don’t get dates.”

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On some unnamed college campus in anytown USA the brilliantly geeky, yet frighteningly fake breasted science square 'Creepy' Cami (Heffern, who you can tell is meant to be unattractive and nerdy because of the big bins) is busying herself performing strange experiments on the large collection of insects that she keeps in her basement.

As part of her class science project she’s attempting to increase the intelligence of her multi-legged mates.

Why did we never do such cool experiments at school?

Cami, being the unpopular science-y one in the sorority house, is constantly bullied by the bouncing boobed bitchy house leader Josi (Dent-daughter of famous DA Harvey) and after accidentally 'losing' one of her genetically altered pets down the back of the sofa which in turn freaks out the bitch queen during a sweat fueled sex session with her mulletted football jock beau Josi decides to kill all the insects in an act of petty revenge.

What a rotter.

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Bacon bites.


Cami's distress and upset soon turns to slight surprise tho' (well, she raises her eyebrows and tries to look quizzical) when her bugs return grown to human size, hellbent on eating her flatmates (oh, and spying on them showering obviously)....

Skipping such important plot points as how Cami managed to get/make genetically altered insects or what actually made them grow, the film becomes a fight for survival between the tight topped teens and the scarily impressive killer creepy crawlies.

But first they must indulge in copious amounts of lady on lady kissing in hot tubs, ordering Pizza, drinking and jiggling on the spot whilst screaming.

And that's just the girls.

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Johnny Ringo's Onion Rings.


Director Lando (The man behind such classic fares as Savage Island, Alien Incursion and Decoys 2: Alien Seduction as well as the busy Baron/administrator of Bespin's Cloud City) shows himself to be the one true master of the cheap ass straight to DVD big bug (and even bigger breasted) movie genre. From the movies opening scenes you know that you're going to be guaranteed at least one of these two things in badly lit widescreen glory at any time, from showering to hot tub dipping the films ethos appears to be that it doesn't matter how dangerous things get, it's always best to stay clean (or at least glistening in a teeny bikini). But just as you're slipping into a silicone based coma Lando makes sure a giant bug pops up from behind a sofa/bush/breast (oh sorry, didn't realise there were ladies attached to them from the camera angles at use here) to remind you why you're watching.

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Pom Bears.


And oh my word what terrifying beasts they have in store for the loyal viewer, it's as if the mutant offspring of a turd and Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba have been hurriedly cloned using a Big Cook Little Cook kiddies cooker. Add to this the almost ghostly way that they appear to 'float' into rooms means that by the time the Play-doh Preying Mantis rears his ugly (yet amusingly toothed) head your brain has been so addled by the movies sheer banality that even this monstrosity seems a blessed relief.

I must give credit where credits due tho' and mention the time and effort the make-up artists put into Insecticidal. Unfortunately it's make-up of the Max Factor variety to make the ladies look prettier and not the actual make-up FX that they've spent the time and cash on.

True there are moments when the screen runs red with blood and various body parts are flung around but these are there just as an excuse to cover the stars cleavages with (Sainsbury's no frills label obviously) strawberry sauce.

As are the scenes where our heroines get 'accidentally' splatted with bug juice (and of these there are many).

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Monster munch.


The dialogue (or what isn't just being spoken randomly by the cast) is chock to the brim with characters stating the obvious whilst trying to look either vaguely concerned and/or a wee bit worried. The line “What is that thing?” is repeated at regular intervals about fifty times during the course of the film at the directors insistence as if to keep reminding the (by now suicidal) audiences that the floaty cack like blobs novering across the frame are, in fact dangerous killer insects.

Which is nice of him I guess.

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Cheese and onion.

Performance wise Meghan Heffern brings such an, umm....authoritative pair of glasses and furrowed brow to the pivotal role as Cami that the remainder of the cast can just worry about hitting their marks and jumping on the spot occasionally whilst brandishing rolling pins with curling tongs gaffer taped to them.


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Prawn crackers.

Still, any movie with the balls to re-inact the Psycho shower scene with a girl and a giant scorpion has to be worth a look in my book.

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Salt and shake.

Unfortunately although Insecticidal isn't really shite enough to be that funny (or funny enough to be really shite) it still has enough of a sweet charm (like an old incontinent relative or idiot sibling you keep locked in the cupboard) to really warrant the violent head stamping you may feel like giving it (or them) at some points.


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Cheese twirls.


Plus (if you're fourteen) it does have a quite a few scenes of harsh faced wannabe scream queens 'getting it on' (as they say) in a variety of unrealistic manners and settings.

Usually wet and sometimes even with big insects waiting to jump out on them.



foo!

Coming soon to a comic shop near you (tho' God knows why)....

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Thursday, April 3, 2008

people you fancy but shouldn't (part three).

...Teevee's Claudia Winkleman.


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self defence for girls....

...Japanese style.

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

march stiffs.

    It appeared that Death had been busy going thru' the Unwell phone book last month (in more ways than one) seeing how many Arena faves popped their clogs in the merry month of March.


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    Everybody loves Raymond.



    These included the ferret faced, moustachioed pornographer and owner of sharp suits Paul Raymond, who gave us his last pop shot aged 82 and the co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons Gary Gygax who rolled a double zero at the ripe old age (for a dwarf) of 69.


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    The dice man cometh.


    Bill Hayward, the producer of Easy Rider shot himself in the head (ouch) and comics genius
    Dave Stevens, creator of The Rocketeer (and the best Bettie Page artist EVER) died from leukemia.

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    Chuck Day, American blues guitarist who wrote the distinctive riff for the Secret Agent Man theme twanged his last aged 65 whilst Richard Biegenwald, the evil (or is that misunderstood?) American serial killer was fried till his eyes popped at the age of 67.

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    "T'was the video games
    what made me do it"


    Talking of frying (and of food in general) Kurt Eberling, Sr. the German-American inventor of SpaghettiOs died of (a pasta based, no doubt) cancer aged 77.


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    Another couple of food based deaths include that of white whiskered actor John Hewer, most famous for playing Captain Birdseye, the character who encouraged children to eat up their tea with the catchphrases "only the best for the captain's table" and "Come sleep in my bed with my frisky cod".

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    It was a sad day for corporate clowns and good food fans everywhere when the death of Herb Peterson, the man responsible for the Egg McMuffin was announced in early March.

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    "Touch my baps".


    And it was a sad month for fans of Michael Douglas (but only in Italy) as Oreste Rizzini, the man who was the voice of the jiggly jowled one from Basic Instinct through Traffic died of stomach cancer aged 67 (lots of 7's this month.....spooky). He was also well known for dubbing (but not fisting) Bill Murray in Ghostbusters.

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    Jowls.


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    Ickle fin legs.


    Sir Arthur C. Clarke, inventor of the communications satellite and writer of the wee space books was crushed by a big black monolith at the age of 90 and Brian (father of Kim possibly) Wilde, succumbed to the infamous curse of Last of the Summer Wine at the age of 80.

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    Wet and Wilde.


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    "Pull my Belgian finger".


    Also stiffing this month were Raymond Leblanc, 92, Belgian comic book producer and publisher of the classic The Adventures of Tintin, Richard Widmark, the American actor (Judgment at Nuremberg), after long illness and most importantly my Betamax video recorder at the ripe old age of 26.

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    It leaves a pile of Beta pre-certs, a tape of my old school chum Colin Hopson in a disco dancing competition at Butlins aged 15 (now there's a tale) and a remote control.

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    Colin Hopson: Lord of The Dance.