king for a day.

 

 

Celebrate the birthday of Godzilla with 60 minutes of Gojira grooves, Kaiju cuts and massive monster mixes.

 

gettin' lippy with it.

Day 22 of 31 days of horror, just in case you've lost count.

Crazy Lips (Hakkyousuru kuchibiru, 2000)
Dir: Sasaki Hirohisa.
Cast: Miwa Hitomi, Suzuki Kazuma, Osugi Ren, Abe Hiroshi, Natsukawa Hijiri, Yura Yoshiko, Kuribayashi Tomomi, Yumi Yoshiyuki and Suzuki Ikko

"What is happening inside that house?"

Obviously aiming for the title of world's most dysfunctional family, the Kuramashi's are a tough act to beat.

Not only have they spent years in hiding due to the fact that daddy Kuramashi was executed for being a depraved serial killer but it looks like number one son Michio (Kazuma) may be following in his fathers footsteps after being accused of the vile slaughter of four teenage girls.

Tho' is there any other kind of slaughter?

Unfortunately for the rest of the family Michio has gone into hiding, leaving his heartbroken mum (Yoshiyuki, star of Killer Pussy and the classic Queen Peach) and his young sisters, Satomi (long faced Hitomi, she of Ju-On: The Curse, Last Supper and Misa the Dark Angel) and Kaori (Hijiri, don't recognize here from owt, sorry) to face the snide comments, bullying ways and verbal abuse from the local police, the gutter press and even the neighbours (tho' not Madge Bishop because she's a nice lady).

Indeed.

They family rise every morning to find paparazzi scum and TeeVee news crews camped out amongst their begonias whilst the filthy bastard copper Tony Soap (Ikko from the lactate-tasic Visitor Q) takes every opportunity to kick at their door, wear his shoes in the house and slurp his coffee loudly whilst angrily messing up the family kitchen (he even put the spoons in the knife section at one point) and shouting random abuse at them.

Which is nice if a little outside usual police practices, don't fret too much tho' he'll be dead soon.

If that wasn't enough one of the folk that lives over the road keeps lobbing rubbish bins thru' their windows every lunchtime without fail.

With all this going on it's not too surprising that the Kuramashi's youngest daughter Satomi, desperate to find the identity of the real killer decides to hire a a spooky psychic named Mamiya (Yoshiko from the arthouse classic Spanking Love) and her ratty Michael Barrymore of a minder Toumato come over and perform a séance all in the hope of contacting the victims who, in turn can name the mentalist murderer and hopefully clear their brothers name.

It's a wee bit like Eastenders really, but without the ugly actors.


On paper this may sound like quite a good plan till you realize that the dead girls had their heads cut off so are unable to spill the beans.

It's a nice change to not have to caption these myself.

Resourceful as ever Mamiya has a back up plan and orders Satomi to search across town for the missing heads (obvious really) but her help comes at a price.

Realizing that the family don't have a spare ¥5,000,000 lying around (or even hidden in the mattress) the psychic offers to continue helping if Satomi allows Touma to roughly take Mrs. Kuramashi from behind.

Twice.

Sorry, did I say Eastenders? I really meant Hollyoaks.

Your uncle and your girlfriend last Saturday.

Unable to concentrate on her homework due to all the noise that her mother and Touma are making, Satomi sneaks out to the local kiddies play park for a nice wee musical interlude and a quick chat with the tres foxy (and very ginger) FBI agent Lucy Anderson (Tomomi) and her sidekick , 'Foxy' Narimoto (Hiroshi the one that wasn't the giant lizard in Godzilla 2000).

No idea why the FBI are involved or why they decide to recruit a schoolgirl to join a secret organization dedicated to fighting evil cults and rubber monsters but heyho, it must of made sense to someone.

Satomi excitedly agrees and is introduced to the group's leader, the even more mysterious and frighteningly bespectacled 'Colonel' (cartoon Chihuahua Ren) who disguises himself as a reality teevee host and communicates to her via the TV set in the living room.

Same here.

And what does all this have to do with the admittedly ho-hum serial killer/arse sex plot?

Well you see, it appears that the FBI have evidence that Mamiya and Touma are leaders of a maniacal cult determined to awaken an ancient Lovecraftian monster by harnessing the sexual energies released from taking Mrs. Kuramashi up the casino.

Admit it, you'd kinda figured that out tho' hadn't you?

That's not the full extent of their evil scheme tho' as they're also planning - for no reason other than to fill the schoolgirl sex quota - to force poor Satomi to engage in rudeness with the hanging - yet still stiff - corpse of Tony Soap.

How will she explain that to her gran?

If that wasn't enough drama, dirtiness and danger for you the ghostly girl victims - bored with being dead and obviously wanting the movie to finish as soon as possible - have decided to use their spooky powers and find their heads themselves.

No idea how, probably just crawling around randomly picking up round stuff.

You never know one might turn up with a football or a big cabbage.

I'd say that was too silly but to be honest with this movie it wouldn't surprise me.

The big question tho' is will the ghost gals discover the killers true identity before the evil monster wakes from his centuries old slumber or will someone accidentally launch a nuclear strike on the unfortunate Kuramashi family before they get a chance to clear their sons name?

You think I'm joking about the nuclear attack don't you?

From the writer of Ringu, the producer of Ju-On: The Grudge and the executive producer of Audition (as the DVD cover proudly proclaims) Crazy Lips was heralded as Japan's answer to the TeeVee hit The X Files but with added anal violation and death by dildo but minus the drawback of having to look at David Duchovny's horse like face on a weekly basis.

Lollypops!

 

 

Lulling it's audience into a false sense of security by starting out like any number of bog standard late-90’s J-horror movies, thirty minutes in Crazy Lips takes a sudden and unexpected U-turn, and smashes any preconceptions the viewer may have about the unfolding story before morphing into into a chaotic car crash of a movie, throwing headless ghosts, dark cults a smattering of kung fu and necrophiliac sex into the mix as if the film makers were hoping at least one of the ingredients would work in context of the story.

Or at least keep the masturbating teens happy.

"Call me Snake!"

Not always enjoyable - to be honest some of it isn't even that watchable - but never the less always interesting to look at, Crazy Lips (and it's sequel Gore From Outer Space) is the type of lazy Sunday afternoon movie that both you and your gran will enjoy.

If, like mine, your gran liked a wee bit of necrophilia at the weekend.

dino-sore.

Just back from seeing Jurassic World: Rebirth with the boychild who is now on a total dinosaur frenzy and is begging for more cinematic dino action so thought I'd show him this classic.

 

"I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse!"

 

The Last Dinosaur (1977).

Dir: Alexander Grasshoff and Tsugunobu Kotani

Cast: Richard Boone, Joan Van Ark, Steven Keats, Luther Rackley, Masumi Sekiya, William Ross, Carl Hansen, Tetsu Nakamura, Nancy Magsig, Don Maloney, Vanessa Cristina, Hyoe Enoki, Shunsuke Kariya, Toru Kawai and Tatsumi Nikamoto.

 

"You told me! You swore to all of us that we were not going to harm the dinosaur! We were only supposed to take film and study it!"

 

Welcome to the world of Masten Thrust jr. (Ex-Michael Elphick starring teevee show and American screen stalwart Boone) - the mighty man-tittied and gin soaked multimillionaire owner of the amusingly monikered Thrust Inc. who, when not using a manned laser drill to search for oil under the polar ice caps, is busy inappropriately touching (much) younger women and shooting wild animals in the face. 

Imagine, if you will, an animatronic melting meat sculpture of Tony Stark powered by piss and gin with the libido and pulling power of Donald Trump and you're halfway there.

We first come across our man-breasted hero as he's attempting to seduce a (much) younger girl in his (animal) corpse filled apartment, luckily this sexual harassment case waiting to happen is interrupted by a phone call from Thrust's office. It seems that his companies latest expedition accidentally ended up in an underground 'lost world' where all the crew save one were eaten by a dinosaur.  

No, really.

And with that Masten jets off to Japan (well it is co-produced with Tokusatsu) to find out the full story.

Holding a press conference with the aforementioned team survivor, geologist Chuck Wade (Tombstone toothed Keats from Death Wish and Silent Rage), Masten  announces that he's leading a second expedition himself in order to study (but not kill, oh no) the dinosaur (now discovered to be the last Tyrannosaurus Rex in existence, tho' how they know that I'm not sure) in its natural habitat alongside Chuck, a Masai tracker named Bunta (American professional basketball 'star' Rackley), eminent dinosaur expert Dr. Kawamoto (actor and singer Nakamura from the classic Space Amoeba) and the Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer Frankie Banks (Dallas' Valene Ewing herself and the voice of Spider-Woman in the 1979 animated series, Van Ark).

Masten is initially skeptical about Banks joining the expedition because she's a woman but she soon convinces him of her suitability thru' a mix of showing him her photography work taken in various war zones and stripping naked at a party before taking him back to her hotel room and licking his pock-marked face.

Because feminism obviously.

And with that they're on their way!

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

As our intrepid team approach the Polar Borer (cunningly played by something you'd find in your mums 'secret' drawer), the first thing we notice is how fucking small the 'full size' prop is. Seriously it's like two garden bins stuck together and sprayed silver, I mean you'd be hard pushed to fit Richard Boone's gut in it let alone the rest of the cast. Tho' this may be a cunning way of making the rest of the special effects and props look really good, I mean if you can take this seriously then you'll have no problem when the massive cardboard Pteranodon appears wobbling against a painted backdrop when our crew come ashore in cave-land.

Tho' to be fair it might just be that the whole thing is fucking threadbare.

Anyway, once they do actually come ashore - and after being almost trampled to death by a passing Uintatherium, Masten orders Dr. Kawamoto to set up camp, whilst he, Chuck, Bunta and Frankie head into the woods to find the pesky Tyrannosaurus Rex. 

And maybe a kebab shop.

Or even an off-licence.

Luckily with this being a fairly short film it's not long before the magnificent beast reveals itself to one and all, stomping thru the trees as it chases Frankie in an attempt to eat her whole.

Tho' I've heard it usually spits that bit out.

I thank you.

As an aside I really think it's important to point out that it's not any old fucker with an Equity card playing the Tyrannosaurus Rex tho', oh no, it is in fact the mighty Toru Kawai - famed Japanese stunt man and actor best known for playing Godzilla in Terror of Mechagodzilla as well as doubling for Ultraman Ace, Ultraman Taro and Ultraman Leo and also playing Gamera - which is the equivalent of royalty on this blog.

Nuff said.

"I 'squeeze your head!"

Masten excitedly pulls out his massive weapon with the aim of emptying it's hot content into the dinosaurs mouth (OK he pulls out a rifle in an attempt to shoot it in the face) but the beast keeps moving, causing the gun to jam and Masten to get all huffy and throw it at away before stomping off and hiding in some bushes, quickly followed by the rest of the team.

Little do they realize tho' that they are being followed by a tribe of comedy toothed, black up Japanese extras pretending to be neanderthals who are, in turn being followed by a kleptomaniac cave woman with very dirty feet (Sekiya best know for Special Investigation Unit and the manga adaptation Nippon bijo monogatari: onna no naka no onna) who is busy stealing everything the explorers discard.

Not including their dignity obviously.

"Boiled onions!"

 

Whilst all this decidedly non-PC raceplay is going on the Tyrannosaurus Rex has made it's way to the camp where it's come across Dr Kawamoto cooking up a huge pot of bangers and mash for dinner.

Not too surprisingly the beast kills Kawamoto before scoffing the food, smashing up the camp and finally picking up the Polar Borer in its mouth and carrying it off to its bone-filled lair where for absolutely no reason, a Triceratops bursts out of a wall and fights him.

To be fair tho' this scene is utter genius and not just for the fact that the front end of the Triceratops is played by Tatsumi Nikamoto, who also did stunt work on Ultraman Leo and Ultra Seven plus played Titanosaurus in Terror of Mechagodzilla.

No idea who played the back end tho'.

As the battle rages 'tween these two titans of terror, the Triceratops draws first blood but is soon countered with a kick to the head from our Tyrannosaurus pal in a fight that is as long as it is bloody (and bloody ludicrous).

I could wax lyrical for hours about this battle but frankly I can't be arsed so I wont, suffice to say that the Tyrannosaurus eventually wins by stomping on the Triceratops' face before heading off for a nap.

 

"Laugh Now!"

 

Whilst all this top quality action is going down our merry band have returned to the base camp to find it utterly trashed and the Polar Borer missing which causes Masten to storm off in a bigger rage than ever, vowing to kill the beast as he heads off to find a cave to live in.

No really.

Jump forward 4 months and the whole group are eking out a meager existence hunting rabbits whilst Frankie plays den-mother to everyone (in between flirting with Masten and Chuck that is).

But it's not all happy families and furtive shags tho' as the cavemen are becoming braver and start coming ever closer to our merry bands hideout.

And they've now started carrying pointy sticks.

Chuck suggests that they should form an alliance with the natives but Masten violently disagrees, constructing a makeshift crossbow in order to kill their leader and scare the rest of them away.

Bizarrely this not only succeeds in scaring them away but to also attract the thieving cave girl to our heroes cave where she attempts to return all the shit she's stolen/found over the last few months including the telescopic sight from Masten's rifle.

This has the effect of making him letch over her instead of Frankie (for a change) and giving her the name 'Hazel' due to the nutty smell emanating from her arsehole.

Frankie isn't too bother by this turn of events tho' (she's probably glad of a break from being prodded by Masten's big bloated sausage fingers) as she now has someone to help her wash her hair and prepare dinner for the men.

And no I'm not making this shit up.

 

Tunnel or funnel?

 And it's during one of these girly hair washing sessions 'tween Frankie and Hazel that the Tyrannosaurus reappears ready to strike. Frankie takes refuge in nearby cave whilst Hazel legs it into the bushes leaving Bunta and Chuck to fashion a rope made from Masten's wiry pubes (OK from local shrubbery) that they tie around a big boulder before Bunta lassos the other end around the dinosaurs tail and finally rolling the boulder done a hill giggling to themselves as the poor beast rolls after it, coming to a violent halt in a pond and banging its head.

This only manages to make Masten even more angry than usual and - after slapping Hazel (she loves it!) he starts collecting (well, orders Buntato start collecting) loads of wood in order to build a giant catapult to kill the beast with.

"Monsta!"

Will Masten's frankly bonkers plan succeed?

Will Chuck find the Polar Borer and attempt to persuade Frankie to leave with him?

Will it turn out that the films title actually refers to Masten rather than the Tyrannosaurus Rex (because technically it's not the last dinosaurs as there are loads of others wandering about but also because it's not a literal title)?

And does anyone actually care?

From the fevered mind of  cartoonist, writer, artist and letterer William Overgard (best known for his sterling inks of the American adventure comic strip Steve Roper and Mike Nomad between 1954 and 1985) comes this testosterone tinged tale of big beasts, bigger egos and baggy dinosaur suits that feels as out of time as the dinosaurs on screen.

Originally pitched to ABC as a movie of the week as a standard "great white hunter goes back in time to kill a dinosaur" actioner, it was rejected in favour of a rock musical remake of King Kong (which luckily never happened) before being dragged back to the pitch meeting and retooled as a full blown theatrical release.

Unfortunately the company he took it to was the stop-motion/seasonal fayre film purveyors Rankin/Bass Productions (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964), The Little Drummer Boy (1968), and Frosty the Snowman (1969) among other classics) who although fantastic when it came to animation - Mad Monster Party is one of my all time faves) weren't really well known (if at all) for their gritty action output.

Luckily they had links with Japan due to them outsourcing many of their 'Animagic' animated productions which were headed up by Japanese stop-motion animator Tadahito Mochinaga at his studio, MOM Productions so it was only a matter of time before those masters of monster mayhem Tsuburaya Productions (founded by special effects God Eiji (Ultraman and Godzilla) Tsuburaya in 1963) became involved with the job of bringing the terrifying dinosaurs to life.

"Chase me now!"

Unfortunately the dollar to yen exchange rate at the time must have been really low as the effects on show aren't up to the studios usual standards.

And yes I'm being kind.

But effects aren't everything (ask Doctor Who)* and film usually lives or dies by the performances on screen.

It's a pity then that The Last Dinosaur has a massive, gin-soaked angry misogynist with really crap hair at its heart.

Drunkenly stumbling 'tween leching over women young enough to be his (grand) daughter and either shouting at them or slapping them before obviously sobering up enough to apologize, Richard Boone's performance is at once hysterical and terrifying whilst everyone else on screen just wanders around looking uncomfortable.

Especially the myriad of women that are forced to pretend to fall for his ample charms.

 Seriously, Masumi Sekiya looks like a deer caught in headlights when she has to lay down next to him and to be honest I'd rather take my chances with the dinosaur, at least its fingers would be small enough to gently unfasten my bra** and not leave greasy bruises on my shoulders.

Or bite marks.

True Joan Van Ark tries to bring a wee bit of gravitas to the proceedings but the writers are unsure if she's meant to be a hardened news photographer ala Elizabeth ‘Lee’ Miller or a simpering girl unable to cope without shampoo or make-up whilst Steven Keats just stands about complaining or being shouted at.

I'd say that Luther Rackley comes out best seeing as he has absolutely no dialogue but looking back he is forced to wear tiny shorts and shake a spear a lot so I reckon he deserves our pity too and I'm not going to mention the state of the blacked up, comedy toothed cavemen for fear of cancellation.

Only I just did.

Damn it. 

 

Hat.

 

 I was going to say something about the direction but all I can think of is that even Academy Award-nominated directors like Alex Grasshoff can have an off-day.

Seriously his Kolchak episodes are top notch as is Backwards: The Riddle Of Dyslexia, a film he directed for the American television anthology series ABC Afterschool Special in 1984 starring River and Joaquin Phoenix.

See? 

This blog is educational too.

Luckily Tsugunobu Kotani is on hand to film the monster bits, which he does by nonchalantly pointing the camera at them and hoping they're in focus, which to be fair they sometimes are.

So does the movie actually have anything remotely going for it?

Well the title song "He's the Last Dinosaur", arranged and conducted by Bernard Hoffer and with spot on lyrics by Jules Bass (seriously amazing song writing career for Rankin/Bass, check him out) is a banger and Grammy Award winner Nancy Wilson's vocals are top notch so it's worth watching just for that.

They - and us - deserved a better film.

Good day to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*By that I mean classic Doctor Who obviously, if you ask new Who (or its fans_ anything you'll probably get a joyless lecture on 'proper' pronoun use in relation to the Monoids and how "Doccy Who" now "Slays Queen!" or "Serves c*nt!" or something equally as unintelligible before being told the show was never made for you in the first place and finally angrily getting called a Nazi (or something) for then doing what you were told and not watching.

Well that would be the case if anyone at all was still watching or cared that is.

 

 

No.

**It's a metaphorical bra as I don't wear one.

hail to the king!

 

Celebrate the 70th birthday of The King of The Monsters with 60 minutes of Gojira grooves, Kaiju cuts and massive monster mixes.

 

another five pounds?

 

 

Excuse the short review today,  it's just that my copy of Nezulla The Rat Monster isn't subtitled plus it's on VCD so it's like watching thru' a sock.

Seriously, look:

And with that....


Nezulla The Rat Monster (2002)
Dir: Kanta Tagawa.
Cast: Daisuke Ryu, Yoshiyuki Kubota, Mika Katsumura and Ayumi Tokito.

私を犯す！それは巨大なネズミです！

Our story opens with three hip 'n' groovy teens - well two hip 'n' groovy teens and one comedy chubster as is the way with Japanese DTV stuff - investigating a deserted warehouse in the hope of finding any booze or fags.

Tho' why they couldn't try the off-license or a disco I've no idea.

Anyway, whilst scouring the shelves for contraband they're viciously attacked by an unseen terror.

A very violent and very loud unseen terror.

Meanwhile in downtown Tokyo a mysterious, face paint and Quorn based virus has begun to infect the terminally unlucky cities populace.

Those unfortunate to contract the disease are rounded up by soldiers and either locked in a big cupboard sans their shoes or shot in front of their kids whilst a stoic Japanese doctor looks on manfully.

At his side stands a frail looking soft skinned nurse doing her best 'it's a shame for them isn't it?' eyebrow acting whilst gazing at our heroic (if heroism included just standing by whilst folk get shot) young doc.

Thru' a series of flashbacks told using the ancient art of shadow puppetry (I wish) a fairly attractive female scientist (bespectacled J-Pop cutie Ayumi Tokito best known for playing a sex robot in Shulea Cheang's IKU ) tells us how, a few years earlier the evil US military (boo! hiss!) teamed up with a naive Japanese research firm in the hope of finding a way to genetically engineer soldiers with an immunity to every biological and bacterial agent known to man.

Which makes me wish that some of my work briefs were as simple.

Laugh now!

Unfortunately (as is always the way in these situations) the genetically altered Bubonic plague virus that the scientists have been feeding the lab rats on a daily basis causes one of the pesky rodents to grow to man size, shed its fur and fuck off into the sewers whilst squeaking loudly.

But not before it's eaten most of the research team obviously.

Rather than fill in loads of pesky insurance forms and the like the folk involved reckon the best option is to just abandon the lab and hope no-one notices the big pink rat skulking about the town.

Everything's fine and dandy until the plague ridden rodent gets a bout of violent wind that causes its internal gases to mutate into the aforementioned virus and spread to the nearby populace.

Nezulla - Less rat monster more arse botherer.

Luckily for all those involved, Ratty's blood carries the antibodies that could cure the virus (probably) so a crack team of commandos - alongside the original Japanese Pink Ranger and former Minisuka Police star Katsumura - are ordered to infiltrate the deserted labs and capture the killer rat before it's too late (too late for what? the virus is already out and that things been in the sewers for years....nothing like being laid back I guess).

Cue huge amounts of anti-American dialogue (including the classic "Damn those no-good white people") and the introduction of a strict and sexy Japanese woman in league with the evil Americans.

The rotter.

Tokito - bespectacled.

To make matters worse - but the scant running time a wee bit more exciting obviously - it turns out that Ms. Evil and  her nasty Yankee cohorts have set a time bomb inside the complex - well, in Ratty's nest chamber to be precise - timed to go off in an hour or so.
 

And the reasoning behind this?

Her American Employers would rather blow the shite out of everything than have to apologise to 'the dirty japs'.

See? told you so.

So it's a race against time, and stilted dialogue via smoking and male bonding issues for our team as they set out to complete their mission before anything else comes to light that could make their day any worse.

And if that wasn't enough storyline for a 70 minute shocker there's also a cloying subplot regarding the manly doctors love for his nurse.

Phew.

Director Kanta Tagawa once claimed in an interview that Nezulla The Rat Monster was the  inspiration for Bong Joon-Ho's modern classic The Host but evil film moguls, terrified that the film's stunningly realistic effects and on the nose eco-friendly plot would be too much for audiences to take so left the film languishing on the shelves (or more likely behind the bins) for a few years before letting it loose on an unsuspecting public who were finally  deemed culturally aware enough to fully appreciate this modern classic of monster cinema.

Unfortunately no-one gave a fuck.

Except me obviously.

And then only because I'm a Mika Katsumura completest.

But what of the film?

"I love you....could it be magic?"

Well, I have to admit it's a triumph of idea's over budget, from the fantastically false two piece monster suit (with buttons NOT zips) to the fact that all the killings appear oh so slightly off screen, it's almost as if everyone involved actually knows it's shit, which is a nice change.

It's just that they don't actually seem to realise just how shit it actually is.

Occasionally tho', just as you're about to turn it off, everyone seems to remember that this is meant to be a monster movie and quickly points Nezulla toward the action unfolding onscreen.

It's just unfortunate then that when this occurs he's either reduced to:

Skulking about in a corner.

Hissing in a corner (whilst the human cast ignore/can't see him).

or

Indulging in drunken fisticuffs and attempting to sodomize the soldiers.

But only those in a corner obviously.
 

It's not all bad tho' because when I was searching online for some subtitles so I could finally follow the plot I did come across these great pictures of a variety of Japanese ladies being chased by rodents so it wasn't a total waste of time.

king for a day.

 

 

Celebrate the 69th birthday of Godzilla - King of The Monsters with 60 minutes of Gojira grooves, Kaiju cuts and massive monster mixes.

 

a nightmare on pigeon street.

Day 22 of 31 days of horror is as good an excuse as any to revisit probably one of the best found footage movies ever.

And one of the most downright spooky films full stop.

Let's not beat around the bush here, on the surface Noroi may have all the hallmarks (and warning signs) of a formulaic Ringu/Blair Witch/Last Broadcast rip-off; the recently rediscovered documentary footage, mysterious video tapes et al but fear not, because director Koji Shiraishi (of Grotesque fame) has taken a pinch of each of these influences and fashioned them into a movie that is frankly far more effective (and creepy) than any one of them.
 

Enjoy. 

Noroi: The Curse (2005).
Dir: Koji Shiraishi.
Cast: Jin Muraki, Rio Kanno, Maria Takagi, Marika Matsumoto, Tomomi Eguchi, Hiroshi Aramata, Tomono Kuga and Satoru Jitsunashi.

"I want the truth. No matter how terrifying, I want the truth."

Well known celebrity paranormal investigator, the cheerfully chubby, cake shop loving Masafumi Kobayashi (Nightmare Detective's Muraki) host a weekly show called "Wahey it's a ghost!" on Tokyo's top teevee channel garnering sky high ratings every week.

Just imagine a slightly less ginger Yvette Fielding with bigger (and better) tits, a bowl haircut and less bullshit.

He has a loyal following, a lovely wife and a fine line in waterproof jackets but all this will be put to the test (especially the jackets) as he and his loyal cameraman Jeff start an investigation into a mysterious phenomenon known simply as 'Noroi'.

Or as we English speakers would say 'The Curse'.

You see, not long after completing the project, Kobayashi's house burns to the ground killing his wife and our intrepid reporter disappears off the face of the earth.

All that remains are the tapes he made during the course of the investigation and, as the voice-over informs us, we are about to see them for the first time.

"Welcome to fright night!" as Craig Charles would say just before he jumps out of a cupboard wearing a hideous jumper.

Probably.

Yvette Fielding: Ginger.

Anyway I digress so let's head back, way back to the halcyon days of November 2002, when Kobayashi was busy interviewing a fairly hot single mum and her small daughter about the spooky goings on next door.

It seems that the pair have been hearing what sounds like scary crying babies coming from the house next door.

Popping round for a quick nosy around Kobayashi is greeted by the house's occupants, a raggedy haired, mental woman (the usually foxy Kuga from Invisible Waves) shouting utter bollocks at anyone who'll listen and a small pig nosed boy named Trevor who spends his days staring out of the window into next doors kitchen.

Sounds a wee bit like my old neighbours.

Before getting chased away with a broom, Kobayashi's camera guy manages to pick up a strange noise on tape and our hero excitedly takes it to be analyzed by a clever science of sound man.

After much technical jiggery and a wee bit of scientific pokery the sound guy manages to identify the noises coming from the house.

It turns out to be the sound of five babies crying in unison.

Spooky.

Heading back to the house in order to follow up this disturbing development, Kobayashi finds that the gruesome twosome have moved out.

And it appears that they have taken the noises with them.

Unfortunately for the local bin men they've left all their rubbish - and a pile of dead pigeons - behind in the garden.

Rifling thru' the aforementioned trash (and obviously avoiding the huge piles of bird shit), Kobayashi discovers that the name of the mentalist mum is one Junko Ishii and files away this information in case it proves useful later.

You think?

On a sadder note he also discovers that the nice next-door neighbour and her little poppet of a daughter ended up killed (to death) in a car crash less than a week after Kobayashi's visit.

Hmmm, could this be related?

Kobayashi spots a giant marzipan house.

We've no time to ask as the documentary jumps back to show clips from an episode of  Kobayashi's show that focused on children with ESP.

Which is a much more entertaining prospect than Junior Masterchef if I'm honest.

Out of the ten kids being tested, it's pigtailed princess Kana Yano (Kanno, the wee girl from Dark Water) who comes out on top, scoring the highest marks on the first four shape-drawing tests, on the fifth however instead of drawing a carrot she sketches what looks like a gimp mask with huge black eye sockets and a puckered anus for a mouth.

And if that wasn't weird enough (which to my mind it is), when she's requested to materialize some water into a sealed bottle - only using the power of the mind obviously - Kana manages this task without even breaking a sweat.

And conjures up some newborn baby hair in the jar at no extra cost.

"This is what I shite-ed in Ms!"

The next clip is from an earlier episode concentrating on celebrity ghost sightings, where a geeky ghost hunting duo (a kind of Japanese equivalent of Ant and Dec) and teevee/anime actress Marika Matsumoto - playing herself, meta or what? - are heading to Tokyo's most haunted shrine in the hope of seeing a spirit.

Or at the very least a chance of touching up Matsumoto behind the bins.

Matsumoto, all giggles, fluffy collars and big socks, confesses to being a bit of a psychic herself and having seen literally hundreds of ghosts before and being no stranger to having the willies put up her jumped at the chance to take part.

Within minutes of arriving at the shrine things take a turn for the worst as Matsumoto gets spooked by an eerie voice before falling to the ground and wriggling about like your nan having a stroke.

Matsumoto: no caption needed.

Later at an after show party for the cast and crew, Kobayashi interviews Matsumoto about the evenings events but she has absolutely no recollection of the incident save for hearing a man's voice whispering the word Kagutaba to her.

Luckily Kobayashi has invited the famous tinfoil-clad Autistic psychic and self proclaimed protector of humanity from ecto-plasmic worms Mitsuo Hori (Jitsunashi from Ju-on: The Grudge 2) to come and explain everything.

This doesn't really go to plan tho' as Hori runs on stage and attempts to strangle Matsumoto (whilst shouting "Watch out for the pigeons!") as opposed to helping her.

An easy mistake to make I'm sure you'll agree.

Kobayashi tho', being a clever bloke - or having read the script - makes the bird based connection between the dead pigeons and Hori's warning and decides to dig a little deeper, going back to check out the shrine tapes.

Lo and behold on further viewing keen eyed Kobayashi spots a ghostly figure standing in the distant behind Matsumoto, a figure whose face bears a striking resemblance to the picture drawn by Kana the psychic girl.

Heading out to see her Kobayashi is shocked to find that the poor lamb has gone missing.

And that the last person to see her was behatted mentalist Mitsuo Hori.

"Million dollars or death by Mau-Mau? YOU decide!"

With a more and more shot to fuck Matsumoto in tow, Kobayashi rushes to Hori's apartment in the hope of garnering any information on the small girls whereabouts and to see if the psychic has any knowledge of the mysterious Kagutaba.

And from his reaction to being asked what it means I reckon he does, seeing as he literally poohs himself and hides in a giant toilet roll tube before falling into a trace and sketching a map showing Kana's location.

Kobayashi has no choice but to follow Hori's map if he's to have any chance of finding the missing girl and discovering the connection between the mysterious Kagutaba and the frankly pant filling events occurring around him.

"Hand in mah mooth!"

But he's gonna haveta get a move on, seeing as everyone and anyone, no matter how tenuously linked to the investigation is either disappearing without a trace or dying in a variety of bizarre ways.

Will Kobayashi discover the truth before he himself becomes a victim of the curse?

Frankly no, seeing as the film established that fact in it's opening minutes.

But don't let that put you off.

Playing out like a Japanese Ghostwatch with it's mix of fictitious characters and 'celebrity' cameos - everyone from the aforementioned anime voice-over queen Marika Matsumo to former AV girl and star of the classic Illegal Tits Violation 15, Maria Takagi via J-Pop gods Gokyu - Noroi doesn't try to be big, clever or re-invent the mockumentary genre, it's whole reason for being is just to deliver some scares.

Which it indeed does in bucket loads.

Jin Muraki is an instantly likeable lead and Satoru Jitsunash takes the tic-ridden   Mitsuo Hori, a role that could have been (over) played for laughs and makes him incredibly sympathetic.

With well over twenty five speaking characters and a running time of over two hours, Noroi has an unusually leisurely pace that builds the tension little by little, slowly unraveling the meaning of Kagutaba in such a way that you become totally (and unexpectedly) drawn into mystery, not realizing how far it's burrowed under your skin before it's too late.

"Do you require any scissors sharpening?"

Noroi is quite simply put a good old fashioned scary film, perfectly made with just one thought in mind; to make the viewer fill their trousers.

And you really can't ask for more from a horror movie can you?