Monday, October 29, 2012

(more) box art (frenzy).

More fantastic artwork from the heady days of VHS.


Friday, October 19, 2012

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 45).

To celebrate the release of Skyfall, it has to be the sexiest Bond babe ever.

I know I would.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

maiden taiwan.

Let's head across the globe to Taiwan today, where a nutty scientist has created a frankly loopy virus that turns folk into zombies.

And guess what?

Yup, it's gotten loose.

Welcome to the slightly sexist world of...

Zombie 108 (2012).
Dir: Joe Chien
Cast: Yvonne Yao, Morris Rong, Tai Bo, Jack Kao, Sona Eyambe, Chien Jen Hao, Chloe Lin, Dennis To and loads of other folk.

“I regret that I didn’t screw you to death.”

Bullet nippled and obscenely short shorts wearing young mum, Linda (Yao, who I'm assuming is the directors girlfriend ) wakes from a terrible (off screen) car crash to find her husband lying unconscious with a steering wheel stuck in his head and their small daughter, Chloe (Lin who's either a real child in her first film role or a well preserved dwarf), missing from the back seat.

Crikey, talk about starting with a drama.

She frantically (and very sweatily) begins to search the desolate streets before seemingly giving up and heading into a supermarket to steal some water.

Well, in the middle of a disaster you have to get your priorities right.

Sauntering around the fancy goods department on the look out for a new broom our   hot panted heroine comes across (not literally tho' maybe later) a sight that will haunt her nightmares for, oooh, minutes after.

It appears that the entire staff have turned into flesh eating zombies and are currently busy munching on the customers.

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Watch out watch out Nancy Lam's about!

Barely managing to flee the building with her life (or at the very least still fully clothed), Linda spends the next ten minutes dodging the undead and hoping her tits don't pop out before spotting her daughter on a street corner about to get eaten.

grabbing her daughter who suddenly appears outside.

Escaping the mumbling monster mum and daughter jump into a passing car, which would be all well and good if the inside wasn't decorated with hundreds of pictures of nude ladies.

Or the seats covered in spunk.

Linda quickly realizes that she has inadvertently stumbled into something much worse than the approaching zombie hordes.

And far more terrifying than Sir Jimmy Savile's camper van.

"I'm a wanderer, and always have been, so I love motor-homes and especially shagging in them. Sometimes I get home, check my post, shower and then shag a wean in the camper van outside!"

Smoothly jumping back a few hours to before these events unfolded via the wonders of CGI and a heavy rock score and we're in the Taiwanese equivalent of Chubby's Nitespot in Blackpool club, business is looking good and the place is packed with drunken westerners, caged topless dancers and lots of folk in open necked white nylon shirts frugging away to Taiwan's answer to Black Lace.


In charge of the club (and the whole Ximen district) is the lard lovin' drug lord Susan (Rong, the far east's answer to Jono Coleman), aided and abetted by his motley gang of heavily armed bad boys.

Unbeknownst to the lardy one tho,' the local SWAT team are in the area with orders to evacuate the whole city due to the aforementioned scientist accidentally  letting his virus loose.

It seems he mistook the test tube for a vial of KY jelly only realizing his mistake when his cock tried to bite him mid wank.

Not that Susan gives a damn about this seeing as his currently cracked off his tits and surround by a bevvy of butt naked barely legal babes.

Do you think they'll eat her whole or will they spit that bit out?

Mistaking the police presence for a raid (which is another film entirely) Susan's boys unleash their massive weapons spraying death and destruction in the faces of the hapless cops before realizing the true enemy are the boys in blue, but those pesky extras painted green.

Quickly putting their differences aside survivors on both sides must work together if they have any hope of making it thru' the night.

But the merry band are low on ammo and if that wasn't enough the token females are all dressed in spangly pants, bra tops and high heels which aren't the best things to be wearing in the middle of a zombie invasion.

Saying that tho' the director doesn't seem to mind as every other shot seems to be a crash zoom down someones cleavage.

Which I must admit is nice but does tend to destroy the scary ambiance somewhat. 

"I'm sorry, I have my woman’s period!"

Meanwhile poor Linda and her daughter (remember them?) are being held captive by the guy (Jen Hao looking for all the world like Matt Lucas in drag) who 'rescued' them earlier, turns out that he's a sex crazed, bacon obsessed rapist who's using the current state of city-wide panic to abduct young girls, chain them up in his basement and bugger them senseless whilst humming show tunes.

OK I made the last bit up but frankly nothing would surprise me by this point.

Cue a story stopping 20 odd minutes of full on rape action, made all the more uncomfortable by the directors insistence of finishing every assault with lingering soft focus shots of  Yvonne Yao's semi naked, sweat covered thighs and breasts.

How your girlfriend really got that promotion.

Back with the rapidly dwindling group of gung ho gangstas and SWAT squaddies and things are looking decidedly grim for them too.

Susan's wife has turned zombie forcing him to shoot her in the head, the scantily clad female cop (I'm assuming all police women in Taiwan dress like Lara Croft, I've never been there so how would I know?) has disappeared during a confusing fight scene and a black American dude (music producer, composer, deejay and all round sexy man Eyambe, check out his Facebook fanpage here) has turned up for no other reason than he can base jump.

Saying that tho' he is bloody good at it.

Just imagine skiing  down those.

Suffice to say that loads of stuff happens (gun fights, stealing cars, zombie attacks and, yes more rape) before the survivors stumble upon the bacon man's apartment looking for a safe haven...

With zombies at the door and a mentalist on the sofa the question is who will survive and more importantly how, if the zombie plague is only a few hours old, has the pervert managed to already capture three of them, built a holding device and trained them to power his flat by walking around a big wheel?

Some of these questions may be answered.

Only some mind.

Thought it best to warn you.

You haveta admire Joe Chien in some ways, given the chance to make a feature it's almost as if he was so worried that he'd never have another shot at it that he decided to throw every idea he'd ever had at this one movie before standing back and seeing what stuck, creating an enjoyable if totally incoherent mess of a movie.

I mean, the sheer number of characters involved would shame Game of Thrones, for the films meagre 83 minute running time there are over 30 main characters, some named, some not but all of them speaking.

From Linda and her daughter Chloe, whom we assume are going to be the main focus, thru to Susan, his wife and his cronies via the SWAT team - with it's unrequited love between two characters subplot and then the mad rapist, characters appear and disappear like magic, some even off screen leaving plot threads dangling like noodles from the serial killers chin.

Did I not mention there's one of those in it too?

A torn, tight vest top, the official uniform of the zombie apocalypse.

And if that wasn't enough then halfway thru' what's turning into a nice wee survival horror story a mad rapist appears from nowhere, complete with his own torture chamber resplendent with giant jars containing the bodies of pickled women and deformed babies whilst, as mentioned earlier a gaggle of the undead power his house.

It's this section, whilst being genuinely unsettling to watch - especially the scenes where the pervert begins urinating on Linda as she begs to see her daughter and when he bemoans the fact that he's going to have to wait a few years to 'enjoy' Chloe - belong in a different movie entirely, dragging, as they do the audience out of the fun atmosphere created so far and into something much darker.

And that's not necessarily needed.

Inside Jeremy Forrest's mind.

It's not all bad tho', with some scenes that are genuinely funny - the attack on the American druggies by the zombie stripper for example- and others which up the creepiness factor considerably.

It's just the other stuff (rape, sexism and erm even more rape with a touch of necrophilia) that gets in the way.

If Chien was hoping to make a movie in the same vein as Evil Dead 2 then he's about a third of the way there, if only he gets in someone to trawl thru' his ideas for him (preferably a woman so she can slap him when he descends to far into Benny Hill Territory) and keep him focused them he could be a talent to watch.

 Enjoyable nonsense but be warned, you'll be seeing breasts in your sleep for months afterwards.

And not all of them will be as shapely as Yvonne Yao's.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

pact man fever.

The Pact (2012).
Dir: Nicholas McCarthy.
Cast: Caity Lotz, Casper Van Dien, Agnes Bruckner, Haley Hudson, Kathleen Rose Perkins, Samuel Ball and Mark Steger.

Kissy lipped, square jawed MiLF Nicole (Bruckner from the Bruce Campbell classic The Woods) has recently returned to her childhood home to finalize the preparations for her late mother's funeral.

 Obviously she's overjoyed by this, especially as she's had to leave her daughter Eva with cousin Liz (Perkins from Episodes and American Horror Story) whilst her wayward biker sister Annie (Mad Men's Lotz, looking for all the world like a dirtier Melissa George) huffily refuses to return home due to childhood 'issues'.

Apart from the sub-soap opera histrionics however, everything else seems to be going to plan, mum's not risen from the grave or anything and there's plenty of soup in the cupboards.

Which is all well and good until during an online call to Eva, Nicole begins to hear strange noises around the house, Eva freaks her mum out even more by saying there's a scary man standing behind her and she soon discovers a broken jar of gherkins in the kitchen.

If that wasn't enough to have you shouting "It's Pipes!" then the mysteriously opened cupboard door should at least hint at getting the hell out of Dodge.

But alas this is a horror movie so it's integral to the plot that Nicole goes and investigates.

Not to surprisingly when Annie arrives the next morning it turns out that Nicole has vanished.

Mysteriously tho' she's left her laptop connected and her phone and clean undies on the bed.


Despite what the packaging said Annie's market stall lightsaber  did not fill her with the powers of a Jedi.                            

Deciding to take advantage of the free food, WI-fi etc. Annie decides to stay over at her mothers house for the night, only to be kept awake by a mix of bad dreams, hideous wallpaper and a series of sinister low angle tracking shots.

Waking with a start the next morning our biker babe is surprised to find a picture frame has spookily fallen to the floor revealing a photo of two pregnant women.

One is obviously (well to Annie it is) her dear departed mum but the other somewhat foxier babe?

Who knows.

Anyway, there's no time to discuss such trivia as it's funeral day, meaning Annie has to wear an uncomfortable dress whilst meeting up with various characters who may become important later.

Namely aforementioned cousin Liz and little Eva.

"Is that you Mr. Savile?"

The three return to Annie's mother's house to discuss important pieces of character history and story background in order to make it easier for the audience to feel sympathy for Annie's predicament whilst later, just in case you forgot that this was a spooky movie, Annie dreams of a shirtless man crying on a bed whilst her phone starts beeping whilst pinpointing an address on Google maps.

Lucky it's not an Iphone she's got or she'd be fucked.

Farting herself awake Annie is shocked to see a skinny legged figure disappearing into the shadows so decides to go and wake up Liz, who it turns out, has vanished.

Spookier still.

Attempting to grab little Eva and leave the house our harsh faced heroine is attacked by forces unseen that throw her from wall to wall like a spring-loaded stunt woman but these mental manifestations aren't enough to stop Annie rescuing her niece and heading to the local police station.

Adam West, up the casino, 1972, Baltimore.....YESCH!

Unfortunately when she gets there not one of the boys in blue believes her story with the officer in charge, the big collared Bill Creek (Van Dien, looking more and more like a homeless Adam West everyday) even going as far as suggesting that Annie herself may have played a part in both her sister's and cousin's disappearances.


Retiring to a local motel, Annie (sans Eva who she's conveniently dumped at the police station) finally notices the bizarre directions cum spooksome message on her phone and, after typing the address into her handy laptop discovers what appears to be a photo of a blurred figure in a floral dress standing by a tree.

Which is nice if not a little tiresome for poor Annie seeing as without warning she drops off to sleep giving her plenty of time to have even more macabre visions of the crying shirtless man, as well as of the woman in a floral dress.

Only this time she's headless.

What does it all mean?

Sorting thru' her mother's papers over breakfast Annie discovers a hidden room on the blueprints of the house and after a quick call to Bill the bill (armed with a handy torch and a fine line in helpful, old school advice) arranges to meet him there.

Within seconds of entering the house (it is a short film after all) Bill has broken down a fake cardboard wall and uncovered the aforementioned hidden room, resplendent in 1970's curry house flock wallpaper and a variety of unusual stains on the floor.

Oh yes, and a spooky woman with removable legs. 

Tracking's dodgy mate.

 Deciding that there's definitely something spooky going on, Anne calls her old schoolfriend, the incredibly sexy, and scarily psychic Stevie (ickle doll faced Hudson from Weeds) and invites her to the house to see if she can help contact any rogue spirits wandering about.

What do you mean 'far fetched'?

Didn't your school have a token psychic student?

 Just mine and Annie's then.

Insert cock here. Don't worry she's blind and wont notice till it's too late.

Stumbling thru' the house and trying to avoid the furniture (she's blind too by the way - obviously being skinny, greasy haired and psychic just wasn't realistic enough) Stevie finally enters the by now not really hidden room.

Almost immediately she drops to the floor shaking and sweating whilst hysterically shouting the name "Judas" at anyone who'll listen.

This scene is, by far the most erotic thing I have seen on the big screen this year.

And just when you think it can't get any sexier a headless corpse of a woman in a floral dress appears floating above them.

It's at this point that Annie realizes it's not actually her mother's spirit that is haunting the house and that we realize that it may not be advisable to get your cock out in the cinema.

Even if it is due to Haley Hudson's tiny red shorts.

"Put it in me!"

Searching for the word "Judas" online, Anne discovers loads of interesting stuff about some bloke called Jesus who, it appears was the son of God.

This Jesus fella had a group of pals including one particular bloke named Judas Iscariot who, fairly infamously kissed and betrayed Jesus to the behatted Sanhedrin priests in exchange for a payment of 30 pieces of silver, after which he hanged himself after a tearful wank and a Pot Noodle.

Judas: beardie bastard.

 Could this Judas be the mysterious figure seen wandering the house?

Or could it be a completely different Judas?

Searching again Annie discovers that the town was once home to a serial killer of the same name (tho' I'm assuming it was an alias, I mean who'd name their kid Judas?) who skulked around the local neighbourhood beheading women.

His  last known victim was a Jennifer Glick, after which he disappeared from view, never to return.

Annie soon realizes that Glick is, in fact the woman in the floral dress with her mother in the photo and, after coming across a crime photo of Jennifer's murder, recognizes her as the woman from her dream.

Meanwhile in Sir Jimmy's dressing room...

Deciding that all this weird shit must be in some way related Annie heads to the address that keeps appearing on her phone and after stumbling around in the bushes discovers a church where it appears her mother and Jennifer attended.

Alongside an until now unknown sibling of her mothers.

Back at the house detective Creek is having another look around, it seems that when he was developing the crime scene photo's he noticed a ghostly hand pointing to the shoe cupboard, where he discovers a secret door leading into the hidden room.

Unfortunately Creek is murdered to death by an unknown assailant before he can tell anyone.

"Did Freddie Starr do it?"

 Contacting Stevie with the new information, our blind babe suggests that Annie should conduct a seance to rid the house of spirits and discover her sisters whereabouts.

Annie excitedly buys some candles and chalk before heading to the house, not realizing that the mysterious presence haunting the halls is much more than just a ghost...

Well by more than just a ghost I really mean her mad serial killing uncle whom her mum boarded up in the hidden room after he killed her pal but you get the idea.

The Pact: Ghosts, girls and jazz hands.

Expanding on his little seen Jewel Staite starring short of the same name, Nicholas McCarthy's first feature is a surprisingly old fashioned ghost story, well told and well played, only marred by a few silly plot holes and a final shot that should have been left on the cutting room floor.

Confidently and solidly directed by McCarthy with a nice central performance from Lotz ably supported by a surprisingly watchable (as opposed to punchable) Van Dien

the movie has a lot going for it, it's only as it races towards it's climax that the obligatory coincidences kick in and the cliche counter begins working overtime.

Which is forgivable as the whole thing has been fairly entertaining until then.

True that sometimes McCarthy labours under the misapprehension that the whole plot is much cleverer than it actually is when on close inspection the whole premise falls apart in a puff of logic even if you only slightly peer at it wrong i t may add nothing new to the genre or have the panache of something like The Innkeepers but it is a competent piece of film making that can only bode well for McCarthy's future projects.

My word I must be getting old.

Either that or I've not watched enough shite recently.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


i think not.