Friday, May 17, 2013

no hell's house party.

Sorry about the recent lack of updates but work coupled with a severe allergic reaction to this film has kept me out of action for a while.

Even now I'm still having flashbacks.

Evil Dead (2013).
Dir: Fede Alvarez.
Cast: Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Lucas and Elizabeth Blackmore.

"I will feast on your soul!"
"Feast on this motherfucker!"

Poor old Mia (Levy from the US version of Shameless, which is apt) has a problem with 'the drugs' so her best buddies; Eric, Olivia, Mia's brother David and his girlfriend Natalie, sick of her crashing out in the corner at parties stinking of piss and eggs have decided to take her to an old cabin deep in the Tennessee (well, New Zealand) woods in order to get her clean.

Unfortunately things begin to go wrong from the moment they arrive, Mia (channelling Nights of Terror) starts to complains about the stench of death coming from a kitchen cloth whilst David's dog (the four legged kind not Natalie) during a bout of rug sniffing, comes across a cellar hatchway hidden under a carpet.

"Does it come on a Kindle?"

Deciding to investigate, our troubled teens are fairly surprised to discover not only a collection of animal corpses hanging from the ceiling, a double-barrelled shotgun and lying unloved on a table and wrapped in a bin bag a really shoddy fan made copy of the Necronomicon.

You can tell it's not the original for a variety of reasons not least being the fact that not only do the illustrations look like they were hastily scribbled by a 14 year old virginal heavy metal fan but that it also has handy English translations in the margins.

Oh yes and DO NOT READ scrawled across the cover in big letters.

This doesn't seem to put off the lank haired bespectacled Eric (Pucci from, fuck it do you really care?) tho' seeing as he decides to start reading passages from it aloud causing all many of strange camera angles and lighting effects.

Oh yes, and a she-demon (in reality Levy blacked up like a minstrel) to pop out the bushes and scare Mia, who's minding her own business sitting on the car from the original movies which just happens to be parked outside.

"Shite oot mah mooth you demonic bastards!"

Terrified (or embarrassed it's hard to tell) Mia pleads the group to let her leave saying that she really needs a poo but can't do it in an outside toilet but the group refuse, determined as they are to make her kick her 'habit'.

At this point I could understand how she felt.

With a wiggle of her peachy junk filled arse Mia grabs the car keys and stroppily drives away in the car (no-one bothered to hide the keys) but before she can make it any further than the top of the road the Al Jolson demon pops up out of nowhere causing Mia to crash.

As you would in these situations our drugged up dame legs it into the woods only to be attacked by the trees and have a slimy shit coloured tendril go up her Jemima Puddleduck.


And definitely don't fucking watch it.

The group after, ooh, minutes of searching find Mia lying in the woods covered in shit and stinking of piss (kinda appropriate for this movie) and take her back to the cabin where she attempts to warn David about the monster in the woods but the rest of the group think she's talking absolute shite in a vain attempt to escape back to her crack-addled world of drugs.

Which quite frankly is where I'd love to be right now.

If you think that's bad then imagine David's reaction when he finds that not only is his sister a total pain in the arse but that someone has bludgeoned his dog to death with a steel dildo.

Well, actually with a hammer but you have to agree my version would have been better.

Anyway in all this dog based death drama Mia manages to lock herself in the bathroom where she proceeds to scald herself in the shower for some reason or other.

"Boiled onions!"...a cellar based beast yesterday,

Finally deciding to do something proactive, David attempts to drive his by now slightly crispy sister to a hospital, but a flood has blocked the only road out.


Didn't the budget stretch to a Lego bridge?

Back at the cabin, any attempt to sedate Mia seems to send her more and more loopy culminating in her turning up in the living room armed with a shotgun.

Unfortunately rather than shoot the entire cast dead and them herself she only manages to slightly graze David's shoulder before collapsing to the floor and vomiting over Olivia (Cloverfield's Lucas). 

Realizing that they're in a remake and that the movie is at the halfway point, David kicks Mia into the cellar and chains it shut giving the director a chance to give us a cellar based creep out even more terrifying than the original.

Unfortunately he manages to fuck that plan up by replacing the lo-fi frights of a paper mache covered Ellen Sandweiss with a visibly embarrassed Jane Levy doing her best amateur hour Exorcist impression whilst forced to shout the clumsily constructed "I'll feast on your soul!"


...And how it should be done.

 Cue forty odd minutes of soulless slashings, paper thin homages to the beloved original, inconsistent lighting and a complete lack of understanding as to what made Raimi's original so damn good.

For fucks sake Sam, you can't be that skint.

Where does one start when it comes to the Evil Dead redux?

I'll admit that I was a wee bit sceptical when it was announced but was soon won over by Sam and Bruce's hard sell shmuck, which was a bit like a couple of long lost friends offering to take you out for the night to revisit your favourite pub from your younger days.

Sad thing is that when you get there they've knocked it down and built a carpark.

"Hey buddy! Wanna buy a franchise? Only one previous owner!"

Whilst the young things (and a few older people who should know better) seem to have been bewitched by the all glam and glitz approach to the remake, with it's promise of no CGI and unrated bloodletting they all appear to have forgotten what made the original so bloody brilliant in the first place.

 What the original lacked in budget it more than made up for in sheer unrelenting terror, the perfect haunted house movie made (puckered and twisted) flesh from a pre-digital age when only those young film makers with the perseverance and talent could hope to make their mark on a jaded industry.

And then usually by having to pawn the parents house. 

Sure the characters in the original are cliches but at least they're interesting cliches, the remake throws us the five most, whiny, self obsessed and boring teens since Dawson's Creek.

In the original you were rooting for Ash, Scottie, Linda, Cheryl and Shelly, this time round you're just praying that the cabin explodes taking the entire harsh faced, moaning cast with it.

Alvarez, this is your fault.

I could go on but what's the point?

No talent, no mercy, no watching your wife, high on crack sell your first born into child sex slavery. 

I actually pulled a nail off in anger during it. 

Fede Alvarez your turn is coming. 

That is all.

*Except to say that giving your characters the initials D, E, M, O and N isn't big or clever, it's just shite.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

even more fairly amusing celebrity lookielikies.

Monday, May 6, 2013

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 49).

Homes Under The Hammer co-host Lucy Alexander.

And her sidekick Martin Roberts isn't too bad either.
If you're that way inclined obviously.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

leathery when wet.

This seemed to get thru' it's cinema release without too much hate so obviously I couldn't allow that to happen...

Texas Chainsaw 3-D (2013).
Dir: John Luessenhop.
Cast: Alexandra Daddario, Tania Raymonde, Tremaine Neverson, Keram Malicki-Sánchez, Shaun Sipos, Richard Riehle, Thom Barry, Sue Rock, Dodie Brown, James MacDonald, Scott Eastwood, Gunnar Hansen and Marilyn Burns.

"Do your thing, cuz!"

Three sequels, a remake, a prequel and the passing of 39 years and poor Sally Hardesty is still trapped in Texas, wearing the same blood and sweat stained flares with her bullet-like nipples sticking ominously thru' her vest top.

But this is no bizarre space/time eddy but a hellish attempt to make the audience forget everything that happened since the original TCM (which in the case of the Michael Bay remake is no loss) and retro-actively bolt this 're-imagining' onto it's climax in order to make it the one true sequel to Tobe Hooper's classic.

No that's out of the way let's head back to 1974 and continue our tale.

With Sally escaping in the back of a pick-up truck local Sheriff Hooper (Barry, wearing so much de-aging make-up and such a dodgy afro wig that he actually looks like an offensively 'blacked-up' white actor) arrives at the Sawyer family house in order to give the family a stern telling off before taking hulking munter
Jedidiah -Leatherface- Sawyer (Yeager) into custody for murdering folk.

"Get in the back of the van!"

Obviously cannibalism and attempting to slash cripples isn't a crime in Texas seeing as the rest of the family are free to go.

Unfortunately, soon to be Mayor and card carrying redneck Burt Hartman (Daddy Day Camp's Rae) turns up with a 'posse' and proceeds to burn down the house and everyone in it.

Everyone that is except ickle baby Edith , who's found by one of the townsfolk, Gavin (Born) who, after promptly murdering her mother, Loretta (the scarily long faced Dodie Brown) takes the baby home to his wife Arlene (Sergeant Rock's sister Sue) to be (begrudgingly) raised under the pseudonym of Heather.

Leaping forward to 2013 we find that Heather (now in her mid-twenties and played by the sparkly eyed Daddario) has recently received a letter from a lawyer notifying her that:

A. She's adopted


B.  That her grandmother, Verna Carson (original TCM babe Burns), has passed away and left everything to Heather in her will.


Not half as much as this movie's continuity.

Realizing that she may need a wee bit of help celebrating her new found wealth Heather's boyfriend Ryan ('pop' star Neverson, which strangely enough is the first thing I'd say to a child of mine if he ever asked if he could appear in a movie like this) plus her friends, the ferret like Nikki (the genuinely terrifyingly toothsome Raymonde, star of Switched at Birth. It'd be cruel to say with a horse) and Kenny (the Scrabble high-scoring Keram Malicki-Sánchez), decide to travel to Texas with her, picking up the man-breasted beefcake hitchhiker Darryl (Sipos) along the way.

"Put it in me!"

Our foxy five are met on arrival by the Sawyer family lawyer, Farnsworth (an embarrassed Riehle), who quickly hands over the deeds, keys and an important letter from Verna (that must be read before anything else) before heading off into the sunset, obviously hoping that no-one will recognize him.


Excited about actually owing a house in these turbulent times of economic woes, Heather and her friends decide to have a celebratory barbeque,  immediately setting off to buy supplies and food from the local town, leaving Darryl to stay and look after the house.


What's it going to do?

Run away?


Not too surprisingly (it's the vest) Darryl starts ransacking the house and stealing stuff before finally finding a big locked door in the wine cellar which he reckons is full of money and things.

However, upon opening the door he's shocked to discover not money and riches but a big fat man wearing what looks like a giant mouldy potato as a mask.

Yup, it's Leatherface looking twice as wide and three times as shit as he did in the original.

Imagine a homeless and char-grilled Susan Boyle wielding a chainsaw but only half as scary.

And he's had his teeth done.

I never thought I'd say this but at this point I was beginning to miss R. A. Mihailoff.

And his mask was made from a handbag.

Anyway within seconds of meeting Darryl, good old Leatherface bludgeons him to death with a chair leg before going back to whatever it is serial killers do when they're locked in a cellar.

I don't know what's more disturbing, Tania Raymonde's shorts or the fact that Leatherface shops at Poundland.

Returning to discover the house has been turned over (not literally tho' that'd be too exciting), Heather and her friends fret among themselves for a few minutes before deciding to go ahead with the party anyway which is good news for camp Kenny as it means he can show off his cooking skills (which frankly have to be better than his acting ones).

Heather decides to spend the time before dinner trying on a dead woman's clothes whilst Ryan and Nikki sneak off to a nearby barn for 'the sex'.

It's like an episode of Jeremy Kyle but with better teeth.

All these grunting, squelching sounds coupled with the aroma of boiled onions obviously begins to annoy poor Leatherface who, in a move that would be out of place on Masterchef, storms upstairs and impales Kenny on a hook.

As Greg would say "Cooking doesn't get much tougher than this!"

That's not the only shocking thing in the house tho' as whilst Heather is searching thru' her grans drawers she inadvertently comes across (in a non-sexual way obviously, tho' that would brighten the movie up a wee bit) Verna Carson's decomposing corpse laid out on the sofa.

As one would.

Running from the room and screaming like a very screamy thing our hapless heroine is soon knocked unconscious by Leatherface, who by this point is obviously pissed off at all the noise and in desperate need of an early night.

Not even a glistening pair of sexy man-tits can save this movie.

Waking up in Leatherface's kitchenette, Heather manages to lie still long enough to watch Kenny being cut in half before escaping into the garden cum graveyard but old leathery is in hot pursuit.

And quite a bold tie.

Luckily for Heather (in a life or death way, not a relationship one) Ryan's lovin' has been interupted by all the screaming and chainsaw noises forcing him to prematurely shoot his load over Nikki's knees and go investigate.

Using her unnaturally large and pale breasts to draw Leatherface's attention away from our house-hoping heroine, Nikki manages to dazzle the potato-faced freak giving Heather enough time to get to their van and pick up her friends.


It's not all fun and games tho' as in the ensuing chase, Leatherface saws through one of the van's tires, causing it to overturn, killing Ryan to death and trapping Nikki under the weight of her plastic boobs.

The only way you'd get someone to sit thru' this mess.

Using the old excuse that she really needs a wee, Heather leaves her friend to die and escapes to the local carnival were comedy greatness ensues as she's chased about Ala Benny Hill whilst various carnival goers fain disinterest.

Even the horses on the roundabout look bored.

Tired of the distinct lack of character development or respect he's been given Leatherface throws his chainsaw away in a huff and fucks off home, leaving Heather to finally meet up with (a now make-up free) Sheriff Hooper (who suddenly bares a startling resemblance to Yaphet Koto in Live and Let Die) who kindly explains the films plot.

Mis-matched undies?...A more deserving reason to die I can't think of.

 Yup, as bizarre as it may sound Heather is actually Leatherface's cousin and he only killed her pals because he got a fright when the doorbell rang and he's a wee bit shy round new people.

If only she'd read her grans letter beforehand but then we'd have had to endure the total character assassination of a much loved horror icon 65 minutes earlier.

It really puts the Sawyer family crimes into perspective now, I mean it was only a bit of murder, cannibalism and car theft.

Why can't they all just let bygones be bygones and get along?

Well that'll be because Hartman is still holding a grudge.

Luckily it's not The Grudge he's holding but going by this if he was it'd be the shite remake.

Gathering up his Deputy Sheriff son Carl (Clint's son Scott) and some chubby bloke we met earlier, Hartman decides to kidnap Heather and tie her up in the old slaughterhouse with her breasts exposed in the hope that cousin Leatherface will turn up to rescue her.


Will this evil plan work?

Will Leatherface put on a comedy curly wig for the climax?

Will anyone involved with this monstrosity ever be able to hold theirs heads high in public again?

Just a pity it chose to wear a Mr. Potato Head one today.

Fucking hell that was rough.

Texas Chainsaw 3-D must win the prize for biggest single abuse of a beloved film character in known history, it's like the Jimmy Savile of celluloid. Everything we know and love about the original film is shat on from a great height and diluted into a sub-par approximation of what a slasher movie should be.

Which is actually quite terrifying when you think about it as one of them wrote  Jason Goes To Hell which is quite frankly fucking brilliant.

Add to that it commits the heinous crime of totally wiping the fantastic TCM 2 from the canon in order to violently stick their aberration into the originals continuity like a sex crazed hobo attempting to mount an angelic cherub.

Subo heads round to my house after reading this review.

Can you believe it took SIX people to write this, which if anything is good news for 'director' Luessenhop seeing as he can't take the sole blame for it so it must be one of the 12, yes count them, 12 producers that green-lit this car wreck.

Except Tobe Hooper obviously, he was probably too drunk to know what day it was poor sod.

I mean who in their right mind hires folk like the fantastic Bill Moseley only to kill him off within seconds of him appearing then give the majority of the movies dialogue to singer turned actor Tremaine 'Trey Songz' Neverson?

But, I hear you cry, it can't be all that bad.

Well I'm sorry but it is.

Tho'  I must admit that Alexandra Daddario has very pretty eyes.

But is that any excuse to leave this crime unpunished?

I think not.

Till next time....

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

superfly (poster) guy...the return.

Readers with long memories and short hair may remember this post regarding the hand painted posters design to advertise Ghana’s infamous touring cinema's (as you may recall they were usually created by hooking up a TV and VCR to a portable generator) that would travel from village to village using large barns or even tents as temporary venues.

Anyway, here are a few more.