Sorry (again) for the lack of owt interesting recently but been busy beavering away on various work-type stuff.
It's not all been backs to the grindstone and shites in mooths tho' as those freaky folk at Arrow had decided to break up the monotony of modern life (which as Damon Albarn once said is rubbish) by resurrecting on old friend on the big (gish) screen at the incredibly sexy Glasgow Film Theatre.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back...
Zombi 2 (AKA Zombie Flesh Eaters, Island of the Flesh-Eaters, Island of the Living Dead Gli Ultimi zombi 1979).
Dir: Lucio Fulci
Cast: Ian McCulloch, Tisa Farrow, Al Cliver, Auretta Gay, Richard Johnson, Olga Karlatos, a shark, some zombies.
And for those sad fools out there who have yet to experience true genius...
New York circa some grainy seventies stock footage where a seemingly abandoned ship drifts spookily thru' the harbour, out of control and unstoppable.
Luckily the local (seemingly French from the boat's flag) harbour patrol's two best men are sent to investigate.
Arriving on board in a flurry of Action Slacks and sideburns the brave officers find that the ship is deserted, or so it seems until the fattest bastard zombie you will ever see shambles out of the hold moaning and dribbling as he goes.
Tho' how the fuck he managed to hide aboard such a little boat is never explain, I mean even if you discount his size he still must stink worse than your gran after the retirement home Xmas party.
Anyways back to the action.
Refusing to show his ID (tho' not ashamed to flaunt his terrifying man-tits) our rotund rotter kills one of the patrolmen with a nasty bite to the throat and a quick stroke of the balls before the other, less dead cop shoots him in the face causing him to flop overboard faster than Natalie Wood before sinking straight to the bottom.
Seeing as stuff like this doesn't usually happen in the Big Apple, NYPD's finest decide to get in touch with the boat owner's daughter, the delectable Ms. Ann Bowles (genre superstar, ex taxicab driver and sister of Mia Farrow) in order to question her regarding the scary fat cannibal bloke, find out who styles her hair and ask the whereabouts of her missing dad.
Pleased that someone appreciates the effort she puts into looking so good but surprised to hear her dad is missing (close family eh?) Ann, concerned not only about his welfare but her huge inheritance too, returns to the ship that very night to search for clues and stuff but what she finds on board is far more exciting.
And considerably sexier than anything we've seen so far.
Please welcome ace reporter and all round studly Italian horror movie hero, the scarily combovered yet still cool as fuck Peter West (the man, the myth, the legend that is Sir Ian McCulloch).
West has found a letter written to Ann from her father (told you he was a good reporter, well it's either that or he's broken into her mail box, which frankly is the last box of Farrow's I'd want to break), which tells of a mysterious disease that is ravaging his home on the mysterious island of Matool and that he may never leave alive.
Ann, now very worried about her inheritance (you can tell by her quivering lip), and Peter, interested in the story (and in Ann), decide to travel together to the island to discover the truth.
Being too tight to get their own boat, the dynamic duo hitch a ride with a couple of hip American tourists, the swoonsome beefcake Bryan (the fantastically furry chinned Cliver) and his shapely wife Susan (Auretta 'Brillantina Rock' Gay- can this cast get any better?), who are enjoying a pleasant sailing holiday.
By sailing holiday I mean Cliver stands around looking rugged in a shirt that's about three sizes too small whilst Gay spends her days busying herself scuba diving in nothing but a pair of flimsy, fanny revealing pants and a pink flowery swimming cap.
We are indeed in cinematic heaven.
Susan wiggles her huge arse and sticks her breasts out towards the camera in fright as the fairly ferocious fish swims around thinking "Check the hat".
But that's not the best bit, you see just when it looks like it's going to eat her whole (you know the punchline) a zombie pops up from behind a clump of undersea fauna and tries to bite the beast on the arse.
The shark that is not Susan.
The ensuing spectacle of watching a stuntman attempt to punch out a shark will stay with you forever and is probably one of the reasons that cinema exists in the first place.
Pant wettingly exciting.
|"Slate and Vera Lynne?"|
Eventually the intrepid party arrive on the shores of Matool and are approached by what looks like a gang of drunken tramps.
On closer inspection tho' they discover that they are, in fact an ARMY OF FLESH EATING ZOMBIES.
Tho' in retrospect the title does kinda give it away.
Unsurprisingly our heroes leg it up the beach (to be honest it's more a leisurely jog up the beach seeing as zombies aren't that quick).
After stopping for a rest, being chased, stopping for another rest and being chased again, a pal of Anne's dad, the enigmatic Dr Menard (a very angry Johnson) turns up in a jeep and offers them all safe haven at his house.
Menard is convinced that the mysterious plague ravaging the island is also responsible for the dead rising from their graves. Peter West nods sagely and adjusts his hair whilst the others look on, Susan in a particularly toothish manner usually seen only on rabbits.
|Cliver: Ask your mum.|
Now it's a race against time as Menard struggles to find a cure, Peter and Bryan struggle over who's the more alpha male, Ann struggles to find her fathers whereabouts, Susan struggles to keep her kit on and Menard's sexily stern wife Paola struggles to finish her shower before a zombie pierces her eye on a large shard of splintered wood....
Friends and fiends old and new (including an old tramp lady sheltering from the rain in the back row and the fat sweaty man with a big bag of Monster Munch and severe body odour issues) snuggled in close (some closer than they ever sat to anyone, including their mum's) as our host with the most (amusing tales regarding Nico Mastorakis and his stellar career) Mr. Calum Waddell entertained and informed the audience about the nights events before starting the evening as it meant to go on with a collection of trailers ranging from the great (Zombie Holocaust, AKA Doctor Butcher, Medical Deviant) to the gruesome (Cannibal Ferox) via the sweaty man's munchings, perfectly preparing one and all for Lucio Fulci's most famous (and probably well loved) movie.
|The Monster Munch man grabs a quick snack.|
Filmed on location in New York and Haiti, the exotic locations adding a stark otherworldly air to the proceedings with the island of Matool, all dust storms and barren decayed buildings cleverly mirroring the colours used in the zombie make-up. The dead being as much a part of the island as the beach and sands; a stark contrast to the vivid greens of the jungle scenes.
Also on show is Fulci's predilection for using the "crash zoom" as a shorthand way to heighten the audiences reaction to scenes of horror and gore.
Sometimes overused in his later movies, this (his) signature effect serves him well when it comes to the sheer horror of the decaying army slowly lumbering towards our heroes; never have zombies looked so hideous or repellent, bloated and muck encrusted with gaping wounds, tore flesh and dead eye sockets writhing with maggots.
Something the Glasgow audience would be used to having had to navigate Sauchiehall Street earlier during the day.
|"...bloated and muck encrusted with gaping wounds, tore flesh and dead eye sockets writhing with maggots..." Yup gotta love a Glasgow gal.|
Plus when you add the Ruebenesqe form of one (oh go on then two) hit wooden wonder Auretta Gay and her much needed gratuitous nudity to the mix, wobbling about in a pair of her mums pants as she desperately trying not to chafe her nipples on her oxygen tanks you know you're in the presence of genius.
Behind the cameras Fulci is served well by his crew, from screenwriter Walter Patriarca's cut to the bone script to the unforgettable make up effects from Giovanni Corridori and his team, effects that have never looked better thanks to this sparkling new print.
|Calum, composer Fabio Frizzi and translator Mr. Nick Frame deciding whether to ring FACT regarding the worlds subtlest video pirate on the front row.|
Fabio's great sense of humour and genuine love of his work (and for Fulci) was obvious from the start with tales frequently drawing loud laughs and even louder cheers from the whole audience.
And don't worry if you missed anything due to loud crisp scoffing or someone holding a camera in front of your face (you know who you are) because the whole thing (minus the sweaty mans farts - these are to be edited out at great cost) is set to be one of the bonus features on the new DVD and Blu-
|"Alright luv...get in the back o' me car and let me bite ya!"|