Thursday, October 29, 2015

pretty? vacant.

Was out shopping today when I saw this in my local Fopp for £3.

Unfortunately I already own it.

And mine cost me £15.

But that was about 10 years ago.

Interesting eh?

Amazonia: The Catherine Miles Story (AKA Cannibal Holocaust 2: The Catherine Miles Story, Captive Women VII: White Slave, Forest Slave, White Slave. 1985)
Dir: Mario Gariazzo.
Cast: Elvire Audray, Will Gonzales, Dick Campbell, Dick Marshall, Alma Vernon,
Grace Williams, Sara Fleszer, Mark Cannon, James Boyle, Peter Robyns, Jessica Bridges, Stephanie Walters, Neal Berger, Deborah Savage and what looks like Jill Gascoine and Alfred Molina.

But probably isn't.

The local nosed, thin-lipped and vacant eyed bimbette Catherine Miles (Audray, star of the sword and sorcery classic The Iron Master and the wobbly thigh obsessed Klaus Kinski epic Vampire in Venice) has journeyed to Brazil from her posh boarding school in London (England near Europe) in order to spend the summer holidays with her wealthy (yet spookily dubbed) plantation-owner parents.

As a special treat to celebrate her eighteenth birthday, her parents decide to take her on a scenic river tour on their luxury houseboat (tho' her aunt and uncle must stink of piss seeing as they've been forced to follow in a canoe).

Lounging in the sun and enjoying the stock footage all around her, Catherine is reminded of her happy childhood growing up in the jungle, unaware of the tragedy about to befall her family as, without so much as a scary musical cue the houseboat is engulfed in a hail of poison darts fired from a native raiding party led by the sexily haired Brian Umukai (Gonzales, taking a break from running really quickly in those slightly racist Warner Brothers cartoons).


Not too surprisingly her poor parents are killed in the crossfire and Catherine is incapacitated by a potent paralysing frog-venom covered spear.

And no, I didn't see that coming.

Audray: She'll have no trouble here.

Lying incapacitated on the deck and slowly weeing herself, she can only watch in mild discomfort as a band of arse flashing Indio warriors board the houseboat and proceed to cut off her parents heads before clumsily lifting her up and carrying off to their camp.

Her aunt and uncle (husband and wife team Gascoine and Molina) however appeared to have been spared this horror by obviously being far too stinking for the tribe to attack.

Or were they?

Catherine, awake at this point and tied to a pole like a stringy pale turkey is clumsily dropped in front of a hut belonging to one Geoff Ungowa.

It seems that this Geoff fella is the tribal leader and he's decided to award Catherine to Tony the richest man in the village as a big pink, wobbly arsed gift.

A big pink, wobbly arsed gift with a fucking shocking perm.

Big Tony is obviously excited by the myriad of possibilities open to him now he has a lady of his own and can hardly contain himself, as he jumps up and down with what looks like a mouldy carrot sticking out of his loincloth at a right angle whilst dribbling uncontrollably.

His passions are soon cooled down tho' when he discovers that sweet lil' Catherine is still a virgin.

It appears that the tribe have rule that states that a woman with an intact hymen can't be touched.

Yup, they have a special 'Hyman Go!' machine that they use on ladies during a big ceremony every second Thursday of every third month.

No, I am not making this shit up.

Tony's luck goes from bad to worse tho' as by the time it comes round to Catherine's shot on the big machine he's being challenged for her hand (and the rest of her obviously) by the aforementioned Umukai.

The pair get down to a bit of slightly homo-erotic wrestling before Umukai beats the rich boy to a pulp.

"I still cannae see mah car keys hen!"

You see, it seems that dear old Umukai has had a huge girlie crush on Catherine from the moment he first set eyes on her as she lay paralysed on the deck of her parents’ boat.

Which would be OK if he hadn't have been beheading her mum at the time.

But who said the path of true love was a smooth one?

Trying to win her round, and to get her used to the jungle lifestyle he enlists the help of his sister Janice (Fleszer, probably) who as luck would have it spent her younger years living with a group of English speaking missionaries so has a mastery of Catherine's native tongue to rival your average Glaswegian.

In return for all this girly chat about pop music and nights spent painting each others nails, Catherine repays her new friend by teaching her basic first aid (she must of been a Brownie I guess), which comes in mighty lucky when the tribe's top hunter, Barnaby breaks his leg.

Re-setting it for him (whilst mopping his brow in a concerned manner) is enough to convince King Geoff that Catherine is in fact a powerful white witch, which helps no end with her being accepted as a member of the tribe.

"I thought Vic Morrow would be taller".

With the passing of time (and bad dad gas), Catherine begins to see that Umukai really does love her (I know it's vomit inducing but I didn't write it) and eventually they learn enough of each other’s tongues (and language, snigger) to communicate.

With each other that is not with insects like Jennifer Connelly in Phenomena.

During one of their late night chats Umukai reveals a secret so devastating that it turns Catherines world upside down.

It appears that Umukai's tribe didn't start the attack on her parents boat, only joining in later because they were bored, and that the real culprits were DI Maggie Forbes from The Gentle Touch and Doctor Octopus.

Catherine is shocked by this revelation (well, I say shocked but it's more a look of mild apathy if I'm honest) and refuses to believe Umukai.

It's only when Catherine remembers that she overheard her dad telling her dear mum that his will gives her aunt and uncle total control of the plantation (and all their cash) in the event that both her parents die plus the fact that aunt and uncle had lost everything they had due to a string of Hollywood flops that everything seems to slot into place.

Jill Gascoine's attempts to stop Alfred Molina
wanking in bed had maybe gone a wee bit too far.

Catherine decides that a dose of rampant raging revenge is on the cards and luckily, her months of living with a group of head hunting cannibal savages have given her the skills and determination she needs to see it thru'....

Mario Gariazzo's slow burning everyday tale of love, severed heads and revenge against a jungle back drop is unfortunately better know for being flogged to unsuspecting German punters as Cannibal Holocaust 2 (a film to which it's completely unrelated) than for anything else, which is a shame really because underneath the interminably po-faced courtroom framing device featuring a recently returned Catherine on trial for her aunt and uncles murder, the stilted acting, wooden dialogue and copious amount of man-ass on show there's a not too bad movie desperately trying to claw it's way out.

I'm not saying it's a good movie however, far from it but compared to director Gariazzo's other work (The Brother from Space? The Sexorcist? Very Close Encounters of the 4th Kind anyone?) that you realise that the last 90 minutes could have been a lot harder to sit thru'.


But for all it's wobbly bits, violence and (naive) attempts at showing 'the white man' as being even more savage than the great unwashed tribal folk, Amazonia: The Catherine Miles Story never amounts to anything more than an obscure entry in the (by this time) bloated tummy of the cannibal genre.

Saying that, it's way more enjoyable than Castaway (tho' Tom Hanks does have much perter breasts than Elvire Audray) and has a nicer collection of arses than 120 days of Sodom.

Plus it pisses over The Green Inferno.

So it's a winner by default then really.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 54).

It's almost Halloween so it has to be Mavis Dracula from Hotel Transylvania.

Nuff said.


Cassidy is in charge of the teevee tonight so currently watching Monsters Inc. (again) and it got me wondering, how does reproduction work in their world? 
Are the monsters all like dogs (same species but different genes), which allows them to interbreed?

That seems unlikely given the huge physiological differences seen between them. 
Look at the head of the company, the 8 legged spider monster Henry J. Waternoose III vs Mike.

This leads me onto my next point. 
How are stable population sizes maintained if there are only a few breeding pairs for each type of monster? 
What sort of evolutionary situations would have had to be seen for such a large variety of equally intelligent monsters to develop?

Or am I just being a very, very sad and lonely man?
Sully and Boo reunited in a little seen deleted sequence. Possibly

Wednesday, October 28, 2015


More music of the night to set your party off with a scream with the magnificent Smoke Ghost mix from the enigmatic Doctor Peyton Alucard Reed III at Radio KAB...Listen here and enjoy!

danse macabre.

It's time to share the Suitcase Halloween mixes again...Almost 4 hours of terrifying tunes, sinister samples and killer beats. 


 Download volume one here.

Download volume two here.


The rarest prize in the world.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

charlie says.

Bizarrely for it being October and all I've had precious time to actually watch any (horror) movies recently.

Most of my time has been taken up helping the podlings with a school project about farms.

Oh yeah, and adding folk I know to a comic strip just so I can kill them horribly.

Luckily I came across this gem in a cupboard which meant we could watch it as a family.

Hopefully their teachers will be impressed by the effort I've put into their school work.

Which is a damn sight more effort than the script writer put into this.

Excuse the shortness of the review but why should I bother if he didn't?

Charlie's Farm (2014).
Dir: Chris Sun.
Cast: Tara Reid, Nathan Jones (he's been gone too long), Allira Jaques, Bill Moseley, Trudi Ross, Kane Hodder, Dean Kirkright and Sam Coward.

Welcome to sunny Australia, home of piss-weak lager, corked hats, Kylie Minogue and a veritable collection of bearded bad men with a penchant for nubile, young flesh.

And I don't mean Rolf Harris.

Oh go on then I do.

Anyways let's set the scene by heading back to the 80's where mentalist muck-raker John Wilson (genre god Moseley) alongside his wacko wife Merideth (Ross) and baw-headed son Charlie have been annoying the locals by murdering and raping their way thru' a variety of hikers, tourists and hired help before scoffing the best bits and hiding the remains in the cupboard.

Not too surprisingly the local townsfolk are a wee bit upset by this and march on the farm demanding an end to family’s anti-social behaviour.

Obviously this doesn't wash and the whole situation descends into a bloodbath with little Charlie the only survivor thanks to his mum painting his head yellow and disguising him as a basketball.

Jump forward to 'the modern day' where stubbly beefcake Jason (Kirkright from Neighbours) reckons that a weekend camping at the so-called 'Charlie's Farm' is just the thing to get his girlfriend's pal Melanie (Jaques) together with his massive cocked mate Mick (Australia's very own Nick Frost, Coward).

Who says romance is dead?

So the bushwhacking buddies - with Jason's American girlfriend Natasha (Reid) in tow -  head off into the great unknown for a few days of booze, barbies and beheadings.

Beard of Evil.

Stopping off at a bar along the way to ask for directions the friends (but not the audience) are surprised by the locals fairly angry reaction to their enquiries but does this stop our boozy buddies quest?

Luckily for us no cos it'd be a short movie otherwise.

Which in hindsight would probably be a good thing seeing as after being spoiled by Moseley's brilliantly bonkers cameo we have to wait over an hour for anything of note to actually happen.

People climbing over gates?


Flirty banter?


Two random characters introduced to up the body count?


Any killings whatsoever?

No, sorry......maybe later.

"I love you.....could it be magic?"

It may be old age but is it too much to ask for a slasher film to deliver some slashings?

And no a fat man having a piss doesn't count.

Luckily then just as you're about to throw in the towel (and tissues due to Tara Reid staying fully clothed - what can I say? I love Josie And The Pussycats so sue me) the titular Charlie finally appears and proceeds to kill everyone to death.

And that's about it really.


"Are you looking at my bra?"

Writer/director Chris Sun's 3rd feature is as frustrating as it is - fairly - enjoyable appearing as it does to be a backwoods bad man blockbuster aimed squarely at people who have never seen a horror movie before.

Which then begs the question why cast Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder?

I mean the type of folk who're gonna flock to see this on the back of these two actors (not literally mind) are really going to be disappointed by the total lack of anything remotely original on show.

If they haven't lost the will to live during the first hour that is.

Tho' to be fair things do brighten up around the hour and a quarter point when for some bizarre reason best known to Sun, Hodder and Charlie have a no holds barred boxing match.

Think They Live! but with slightly less logic.

And a shit-load less lighting.

Seriously I thought I'd gone blind.

Or at the very least accidentally rubbed soup in my eyes.


Tunnel or funnel?

Credit where credits due tho' because the kills are nicely staged and in a change for a modern maniac-based movie, Sun isn't afraid to deliver some impressively gory money shots whilst certified brick-shithouse Nathan Jones is a very real and totally menacing screen presence as Charlie plus the supporting cast (especially Sam Coward and Allira Jaques) are spot on.

After the hype and build up - plus what seems to be a resurgence in Aussie horror - tho' it all adds up to a wasted opportunity.

It's not that Charlie's Farm is a bad film, it's just that it's a painfully pedestrian one.

Friday, October 23, 2015

infernal eclairs.

After sitting patiently on the shelf for 2 years Eli ("The postage was how much?") Roth's 'homage' to flesh-eating foreigners is finally upon us.

Oh joy.

The Green Inferno (2013).
Dir: Eli Roth.
Cast: Lorenza Izzo, Ariel Levy, Daryl Sabara, Kirby Bliss Blanton, Sky Ferreira

Magda Apanowicz, Nicolás Martinez, Aaron Burns, Ignacia Allamand, Ramón Llao, Matías López and Richard Burgi.

"Activism is so fucking gay!"

Wannabe social justice warrior and part-time flautist Justine (Mrs. Roth herself and star of Aftershock, Izzo), having plenty of money but very little common sense decides to fill her spare time by joining the pube-bearded, big business battling Alejandro (Promedio Rojo's Levy) and his merry band of do-gooders on a trip to the Amazon to save some trees.

The group aim to achieve this by dressing up as Bob The Builder and shouting random stuff whilst tied to a tractor in a forest.

Obviously they'll be filming the whole thing to put on the 'interweb' so it all kinda makes sense. 

Her cynical roommate Kaycee (box-faced popster Ferreira giving a performance so wooden that I ended up with splinters in my eyes) is unconvinced by all this touchy feely stuff and reckons that Justine just wants a wee bit of Alejandro ass action, which I must admit I can see the appeal of - especially as it'd mean you wouldn't have to look at his frighteningly horse-like face.

But alas (for us that it) she fails to convince Justine to stay at home and get pissed instead, as does her UN attorney dad so off she flies - alongside chubby buddy Jonah (FX artist Burns), blonde bimbette Amy (Blanton, from the US version of The Inbetweeners - yes, such a thing exists), the tastefully tattooed, lusty lesbian Samantha (Apanowicz from some stuff), Lars (Spy Kids Juni Cortez himself, Sabara), Daniel (aftershock and Promedio Rojo star Martinez - there's a pattern here) and Alejandro's massive mouthed girlfriend Kara (Allamand) - to sunny Peru, home of Paddington Bear, pot smoking, noseflutes and violent arse banditary.

And that's just in Lima.

At this point I just thought I'd add that there are actually a couple more people along for the trip too but frankly I can't be bothered listing them, I mean this lot are forgettable enough and they're supposed to be the leads.

"Oh no....I forgot stamps!"

Arriving at the airport the merry band are greeted by the funder behind the protest, the swarthy Carlos (López, father of Saved By The Bell star Mario and husband of Jennifer) who - after a quick snack and 15 minute travelogue tour  takes the group off to the rainforest to begin the protest.

As predicted the protest does indeed go 'viral' as you young folk say, thanks partly to an angry logger putting a gun to Justine's head but mainly due to the whole thing being unimportant filler to take take up running time whilst we await the cannibal action.

Anyway, after a bit of bitching from Justine who has realised that her dad's job would guarantee the group publicity the group board a plane back home.

Unfortunately one of it's engines explodes and the plane crashes into a forest, resulting in a grisly demise for creepy Carlos and a few faceless extras falling out of fuselage in a comedy manner.

Luckily for viewers with weak stomachs the good looking cast members (and Kara) survive and bravely drag themselves from the wreckage.

By that I obviously mean the plane wreckage, I doubt anyone could survive the state of the film in general.

Hearing spooky noises coming from the trees and noticing the distinct smell of warm milk wafting from the bushes the group shout for help only to be attacked by spear-welding, nappie wearing natives.

Which is nice.

Kara, having the largest face is first to fall thanks to a spear in the head whilst the rest of the group are quickly taken out with tranquillizing blow darts before being carried off to a big canoe ready for the journey to the native village.

"Recorded delivery is HOW much?"

Taken roughly up the jetty by what looks like a brightly coloured Ramones tribute band clad in chamois leather nappies and placed in a bamboo cage, the group look on in horror as Jonah is dragged away to meet the tribal elders, magnificently played by Bonnie Tyler and a blacked-up Shawn Ryder.

Disoriented due to a lack of cake, Jonah mistakenly thinks he's appearing on Stars In Their Eyes and begins to belt out a corking rendition of Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay but this is unfortunately cut short when Bonnie messily gouges out his eyes and scoffs them before pulling out his tongue and ordering the rest of the tribe to dismember him.

Now if Harry Hill had done this on the revamped show it’d been a ratings winner.

But the horror doesn't end there.

Well I say horror but mild indifference would be a more apt phrase.

Justine, Samantha and Amy are dragged out of the hut and paraded in front of the tribe whilst a by now visibly aroused Bonnie (either that or it's deceptively cold) sticks a sharpened thimble into their fannies to see if any of them are virgins and therefore suitable to perform The Shangri Las hit Leader of The Pack in the semi-finals.

Or something.

I think this may be important as I remember a bit earlier when Justine's college lecturer was doing a talk on Roald Dahl's The Big Friendly Giant and how it was sexist or something tho' I'll admit I'd popped out for a fag at that point so I can't be sure.

You never know he might live in the woods and the tribe sacrifice virgins to him a bit like in Devil Hunter but with fewer genital warts.

I mean on screen obviously, I've no idea about the crew.

So what is the difference between a post box and a vagina?

Anyway back to the plot where it is revealed that Justine is indeed a virgin (yeah sure) which appears to make the tribe very happy indeed.

But not happy enough to let them all go obviously

Someone who isn't very happy tho' is Samantha who, driven mad by the lack of fanciable fanny in the village devises a cunning escape plan that involves dressing up as a tiger and hoping that the guards spot the mistake let her loose  so she can then run off into the trees and get help.

Who from?

Fucking George of The Jungle?

Surprisingly this plan works and Samantha, resplendent with a luxurious tail fashioned from knotted bits of Amy's pubic hair runs to the river, steals a canoe and quickly paddles downstream.

Just like big cats don't.

As day turns to night and night turns to day (trust me the whole movie feels like it unfolds in real time), the tribe bring the prisoners yummy bowls of soup for lunch.

Is this an act of kindness or a set up for a cheap thrill?


As Amy begins to lick the bowl she notices a piece of skin stuck to the bottom and instantly recognizes it as one of Samantha tattoos.

Realizing she has just been scoffing her pal, Amy smashes the bowl and uses it to cut her throat.

God knows what she'd done had she eaten her whole.

Tho' the lesbians I know tell me that they usually spit that bit out.

I thank you.

"Shite in mah mooth!"

Remembering his spy training from when he was a youth, Lars stuffs his marijuana stash into Amy's throat hoping that when the tribe eat her that they'll all get stoned and fall asleep allowing the survivors to attempt another half arsed escape plan that will no doubt lead to more deaths.

Meanwhile Alejandro, whilst enjoying a swift wank (no really) gets to the point of the film, explaining - in very simple to understand words -  that the protest they carried out was really in order to let Carlos, who owned a rival logging company to get the contract.

This is because the real world is a bad place full of naughty people.

Right on.

Bizarrely enough the plan works and the tribe all pass out giving Justine, Daniel and Lars time to escape.

Unfortunately Alejandro, being a patented bastard but more importantly needing someone to help him masturbate after spraining his wrist last time, pricks Lars with a discarded Tranquillizer dart and he falls back into the cage.

Fearful of being covered in eggy man muck Justine and Daniel flee into the trees as Alejandro shouts random stuff about conservation, survival of the fittest and teabagging at them, leaving Lars to his fate.

Which is to be eaten by snack-obsessed tribesfolk in a cack-handed tribute to the climax of Day of The Dead minus the skill and deft-direction that made that movie so enjoyable.

Why am I surprised?

I can see you through the door
You been chewing bread and water
And there's a grudge on you
You know you not ought not to have
You've been running around the racetrack
You've been running around the racetrack
Put that mudder to bed to bed
Put that mudder to bed

And oh yeah...get in mah belly!

Meanwhile Justine and Daniel have managed to find not only the plane wreck but also a working phone in Kara's pocket.

Unfortunately (again) Justine stops for a quick game of Candy Crush Saga and to update her Facebook which gives the tribe ample time to catch up with them and drag the pair kicking and screaming back to the village where Daniel is tied to a tree and fed to some crap CGI ants whilst Justine is stripped naked, wrapped in a bandage and painted white in preparation for the BFG ceremony.

I'm assuming the rest of the film looks so cheap cos all the cash went on paying the Dahl estate.

Will Justine be rescued or is she destined to spend the rest of her days being pawed by a big hairy brute?

I mean in the movie obviously, there's no way I'd comment on her personal life.

Damn you spellchecker!

Brainless, clueless and ultimately ball-less, Green Inferno purports to pay homage to the gut-munching cannibal greats of the 'video nasty' era but singularly fails to see what made the originals such good fun in the first place.

Replacing gore and grainy footage with quick cutaways and digital shininess and the originals (albeit)  skewered world view with an almost infantile 'the world is full of bad people who will eat you up' message does not an entertaining movie make - and when the film's biggest shock is from seeing the cock and balls of the wee boy from Spy Kids in glorious high-definition then you know that you're onto plums.

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

The whole thing feels like watching particularly badly applied politically agitating paint dry and the oft-mooted scenes of violence and threat seemed to have been pulled wholeheartedly from the 'Causing offence for Dummies' handbook.

The cast (bless 'em) do their best with what they're given but even then it's not enough to hold any interest and by the 45 minute mark you're praying for something, anything of note to happen.

And when the cannibals actually do turn up there's absolutely no rhyme or reason for anything they do, they're just generic, racially stereotyped cardboard bogeymen leering at a group of even more annoying and clichéd teenagers.

Roth should've had the balls to just black-up actors and put bones thru' their noses and be done with it.

At least then he'd have garnered a better reaction than the tired shrug of shoulders that the film gets.

Green Inferno?

Shit Inferno more like.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

a true story.

A few years ago, there was a wealthy couple who had two young children, a boy and a girl. The family lived in a large house in Newport Beach, California. After taking care of their kids all week, the mother and father decided that they needed a break, so they booked a table for dinner at a nice restaurant. That evening, they called a teenage girl they knew and arranged for her to come over and babysit their children while they were out. When the babysitter arrived, the parents told her to fix supper for the kids and put them to bed.
"After that you can just watch TV and help yourself to anything in the fridge", said the father.
"And if you wouldn't mind," said the mother, "could you watch TV in our bedroom? The kids have been having nightmares recently, so if you hear them crying, you can just go in and calm them down."
The babysitter happily agreed and the parents left for their dinner date. The girl gave the children some milk and cookies, then ushered them upstairs to bed. She started to read them a bedtime story and, before long, the little boy and girl were fast asleep. After tucking them in, she switched off the lights and went to watch TV.
As time passed, the babysitter started to feel more and more uneasy. Finally, she decided to go downstairs and phone the parents. When she dialed the number they had left for her, the mother answered.
"Hi, it's me," said the babysitter. "Everything's fine. The kids are fast asleep in bed, but I was just wondering, would be OK if I watched TV downstairs?"
"Of course," replied the father. "But why?"
"I know it sounds silly," laughed the girl, "but the statue of Vincent D'onofrio in your back yard is really creeping me out.
The phone went silent for a moment.
"Listen to me very carefully," said the father. “Take the children and get out of the house. We will call the police. We don't have a statue of Vincent D'onofrio."