Tuesday, April 21, 2015

superfly poster guy iv: the crackdown.

Even more fantastic poster art from the wacky world of Ugandan and Ghanan cinema..... 


Monday, April 20, 2015


I saw wee Jimmy Krankie at Sainsbury's in Partick yesterday.

You know the thing about Jimmy Krankie, he's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye.

When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'.

Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white.

And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the floor turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' he comes in and rips you to pieces.

caribbean queen.

Only ten weeks till the summer holidays so to get you in the mood....

Papaya Of The Caribbean (AKA Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals, Die of Pleasure, Fruta sexual del Caribe, 1978)
Director: Joe D'Amato.

Starring: Sirpa Lane, Melissa Chimenti, Maurice Poli
and some other people.

Our tale opens on the sun kissed beach of a scenic resort island somewhere hot, exotic and most importantly dirt cheap to film where the dusky and mysterious beauty known only as Papaya (Chimenti from Revelations of a Psychiatrist on the World of Sexual Perversion, obviously Laura Gemser was busy) is hard at work rubbing out of date fruit over a sweaty mans chest whilst giving him the 'oral pleasure'.

Ask your mum.

Which may seem a great way to spend your vacation until the moment of Climax that is when pervy Papaya bites off his penis, gobbling away like a really hungry hippo as he writhes about screaming like your nan when she got he breast caught in the blender.


But that's not all that's amiss in paradise.

Plans are afoot to build a brand spanking (as opposed to arse spanking  tho' with Joe D'Amato's involvement I wouldn't be so sure) new atomic power plant on the island, whether the natives agree or not.

It's no wonder tho' that with all this cock biting going on that work on the project is behind schedule meaning that the ruggedly sexy (and scarily hairy) company engineer Vincent (Rabid Dogs' Poli channelling Crossroads very own David Hunter) is sent to investigate.

Arriving on the island our pensionable aged professional soon comes across (in more ways than one) ace investigative journalist and 'old friend' Sarah (Lane, harsh faced star of Walerian Borowczyk's furry suited shagfest La Bette) and is soon indulging in some atomic reactions of his own.

By that I mean he has sex with her.


Honestly the sheer animalistic intensity of the intercourse being indulged in here would be enough to supply the entire island with energy without the power station and the only thing that cools down their ardour is the discovery of a mutilated corpse of one of the plant workers in their hotel room.

And to be honest I'm surprised they don't just roll on top of him and use his putrefying juices as lube.

It's not just the bath water that's dirty. Or smelling of shit.

Anyway, after a wee bit more shagging yet another worker is found dead and cockless, giving Vincent the idea that the deaths may be related.

Hmmm...you think so?

Deciding to take Sarah on a trip to the power plant (as opposed to say, up the arse) to hunt for clues they soon come across (not in that way, well not yet) the aformentioned Papaya, who persuades them that rather than investigate the murders their time would be better spent indulging in some three-way sex action.

Vincent, obviously eager to get as many STD's as possible over one weekend is more than happy to oblige.

Easy tiger.

What your mum and auntie get up to when they say they're at the bingo.

But fear not fright fans because it's not all flirty threesomes, groovy girl on girl action, onanism and water sports because Papaya - realizing that any movie of this type worth its ilk needs a wee bit of animal harm - also invites the couple to an island 'celebration' involving the slaughtering of a couple of defenceless pigs (real footage, cheers Joe), followed by a couple of hallucinogenic cocktails and, of course copious amounts of naked dancing to a stunningly sexy Stelvio Cipriani disco beat.

And let's be honest, would you have it any other way?

"Put it in me!"

But as is always the way with these things, the party can't last forever and the very next morning Vincent wakes to not only find a cluster of red lumps on his scrotum but that Sarah has been kidnapped by Papaya's crazed followers.

Will our humping hero suffer the same fate as the other unfortunate plant workers and what does Papaya have in store for the man-chinned, 70's breasted Sarah?

More importantly tho' will it involve any more soft focus, slow motion lady love culminating in saucy Sirpa biting her lip in her trademark erotic fashion?

Look I'm easily pleased obviously.

From the mightily mucky mind of the late great Joe D'Amato (AKA Aristide Massaccesi), Papaya Of The Caribbean is another of the great mans forays into - as we in the know call it - the 'sexy horror', sitting (or standing) proudly alongside the frankly wonderful Emanuelle And The Last Cannibals, Orgasmo Nero, Erotic Nights of The Living Dead and the subtly titled Porno Holocaust.

The latter more famous for not actually featuring a 'Porno Holocaust' in any shape of form preferring as it does to concentrate solely on actor Mark Shannon's weirdly warty balls.

Obviously that wouldn't have made half as good a title tho.

Unfortunately Papaya (the movie that is not the fruit which is quite tasty) lacks the humour (both intentional and otherwise) of Erotic Nights and is just nowhere near as bizarre as the genuinely wacky Last Cannibals.

It also lacks enough gore or shocks to be a bona fide horror movie and, if I'm honest isn't really that sexy, due in part to the usually luscious Lane deciding to spend the entire movie staring into the middle distance in the vaguely frowny, nonplussed manner of someone trying to ignore a bad smell which for a so called 'erotic' movie is a wee bit of a non starter

Surely Maurice Poli's recurring yeast infection wasn't that bad?

In its favour there are - tho' usually by accident rather than design when it comes to a Big Joe production -  actually a few genuinely spooky scenes on show - mostly those involving Vincent and Sarah exploring a deserted ghost town - tho' any tension they may have helped to build up is soon dispelled by the sheer amount of floppy cocks that appear at frighteningly regular intervals throughout the film.
I feel I now know Maurice Poli's better than my own.

Or your dads.

Monday, April 13, 2015

film '80.

Found a few dog eared copies of Variety down the back of the sofa giving a sneak peek into the world of cinematic sales techniques.....So, how many of these gems actually made it into production?