Saturday, January 31, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Just in time for it's UK Bluray debut let's travel back in time and revisit a lost classic of the cannibal/zombie/mentalist medic genre.
Or I could just review this instead.
Zombi Holocaust (AKA: Doctor Butcher M.D: Medical Deviate, Island of the Last Zombies, Queen of the Cannibals, La Regina dei cannibali, Zombie Holocaust, 1979).
Director: Marino Girolami (or if you prefer, Frank Martin).
Cast: Ian (the kids school fees are how much?!!?) McCulloch, Sherry Buchanan, Alexandra Delli Colli, Peter O'Neil and Donald O'Brian.
But lo, the truth is far more sinister (and oh so slightly racist) when they discover the token, bowl haired Asian doctor (who looks disturbingly like a porn movie version of Erik Estrada) is caught sitting in the dark eating a corpses heart.
Erik decides the best course of action is to evade capture by throwing himself out of a window then cunningly turning into a shop window mannequin before he hits the ground (with a satisfying plastic echo it has to be said).
I mean what are the chances of that?
After much ooing and aahing, Chandler reckons the best way to get to the bottom of things is to organize an all expenses paid holiday, sorry expedition to the island alongside a crack team of experts (well alongside Lori, her assistant George (the credits say Peter O'Neal but I swear it's a pre Dead Ringers Jon Culshaw) and tough tomboy reporter Susan (the lank haired, boy trousered but infinitely bonkable Buchanan).
As is the way in such movies, nothing goes according to plan. The boats engine overheats stranding the group not on the isle of Kitkatoo but on the smaller (and slightly less dangerous) Kitkatoow...or so Moloto claims.
The native bearers are the first to fall (but isn't that always the way?) giving Chandler and co. time to leg it into the trees.
Contacting Dr. Obrero, the survivors are told to make their way to a handy abandoned church further inland and to lock themselves in whilst awaiting rescue.
George ends up eyeless whilst slinky Susan (being the most attractive woman in the movie) is carried away by the arse bearing natives.
Suddenly (almost as if the director has remembered the films title) a gaggle of shuffling zombies turn up and scare the natives to buggery (not literally mind) and the survivors make it to the church on time to find Obrero waiting for them.
Even though Chandler's suspicions of foul play are getting stronger by the second he decides that it probably would be safer to just head home and forget about everything.
With a look of grim determination usually only seen in Sheepdogs our hero slowly realises that the only way he's ever gonna pull Lori is to solve the island mystery so with a heavy heart – and a raging horn - Chandler heads back to the church to confront the mad doctor......
It's just a pity that none of them are any good.
On the plus side, Ian McCulloch is in it and as we all know he would never appear in anything too shady, standing around in a selection of Primark suits looking worriedly ginger (or is that gingerly worried) and let's be honest, he could stand around in his undies painting a wall and he'd still be infinitely watchable.
Of the other cast members, the plump mouthed star of Fulci's New York Ripper Alexandra Delli Colli is only there to look good in her cream suspenders whilst pouting, her most difficult acting scene is where she's required to look vaguely scared whilst a group of Filipino tramps smear her naked body in face paint and strap her to a big paper mache wheel.
Not me that's for sure.
Now to the zombies hordes (well I say hordes but there are only five of them, one of which is the directors mum) who, with make up that is a triumph for the seven year old hired to produce it using only the contents of the class arts and craft cupboard and accompanied at all times by a synth score that consists mainly of samples of a small boy farting whilst a dog with throat cancer barks backwards these undead terrors are guaranteed to strike mild apathy into the hearts of even the most hardened viewers.
And if that doesn't get me a complimentary disc from 88 Films nothing will.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
It's that time of year again when hundreds of horror geeks plus half dozen sweaty, high waisted folk who live at home with their disabled mums (who will never die!) descend on my fair city ready to soak the streets (and seats) with the unmistakable smell of sweat, shame, semen and tears.
Which can only mean that our lovely pals at Frightfest have announced the line-up for sunny Glasgow.
And it looks a good un!
So without further ado, here's the list:
THE ATTICUS INSTITUTE
|"Shite in mah mooth!" - Sorry couldn't resist.|
|88: Two fat ladies not shown.|
From the team behind DEAD BEFORE DAWN 3D, and starring friend of The Arena Katharine Isabelle, comes a glorious, gory and fast-paced homage to cult exploitation revenge thrillers.
|Holly Valance, up the casino, Wigan, 1998.....YESCH.|
From Marcus Nispel, 'director' of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW and FRIDAY THE 13TH re-imaginings (but let's not hold that against him) comes a curious case of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll possession.
|"Those badges on your jacket smell....they must be onion bhajis!" - Seriuosly a clown I was working with once made this joke.|
Director: Mario Bava. Screenwriters: Mario Bava, Giuseppe Barilla, Marcello Fondato. Cast: Cameron Mitchell, Eva Bartok, Lea Lander, 88 mins, Italy 1964.
|A Bava classic....blood or black lace not soon.|
Mario Bava’s visually stunning, elegantly mounted and erotically charged proto- giallo presented in all its restored glory.
|"I can see you house from here Peter".|
|Manuela Velasco: I love her AND she follows me on Twitter....my life is complete.|
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Apologies if I appear a wee bit more vitriolic than usual, I've just spent a week writing an article about Labyrinth for Multitude of Movies so the lack of chances to mention mooth shite and the like has gotten to me.
|Mr. A. Badboy threatens to shoot an entirely different kind of load to the one your mum is used to over a woman's face yesterday.|
|"Shite in mah previously violently violated mooth ya inbred bastards!"|
Unlike the poor audience who are busy scratching their arses and wondering what they've done to deserve such shite.
As the film lips bow-leggedly toward its climax the remaining gang members decide to kidnap Zoe's boyfriend, who spent the last few days (and most of his savings) on photocopying loads of 'have you seen me?' pictures and pinning them up around town.
Which would have been a good idea had he not mistakenly been sticking up pictures of Mr. Ed instead.
|They might be smiling now but just wait till the mooth shite-in starts.|
And return she does Zoe carrying with her the Chief's favourite (and fairly impressive it has to be said) tomahawk as well as his not as impressive knife as unintentional laughs and gratuitous shots of Adrienne's painfully skinny knees abound as she/he seeks attempts to finish her mentalist maiden massacre whilst hiding from her concerned boyfriend and before one or both of her legs drop off.
Seriously I'm not making this shite up.
Or was he?
Perhaps we'll never know.
And frankly I for one don't care.