Monday, April 30, 2018

golden shot.

No I haven't forgotten you all just been busy working*, sleeping and doing bizarre real-life stuff like writing about Autism.

Anyway I picked this beauty up as part of a Sonny Chiba box set (packaged alongside The Bullet Train and GI Samurai) from our local charity shop the other day for a bargainous £3 as I'd realised that I didn't actually have a copy.

Well I did once but that was on VHS.

And it was about 25 years ago.

Honestly that story sounded much more interesting in my head.

Sonny Chiba up a tree....kay eye cee kay eye en gee a man in the throat. Sorry, that caption is really, really shit.



Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon (AKA Golgo 13, ゴルゴ13 九竜の首 Gorugo Sātīn Kûron no kubi, 1977).
Dir: Yukio Noda.
Cast: Sonny Chiba, Callan Leung, Etsuko Shihomi, Chi-Chung Lee, Jerry Ito, Lai Dut and loads of other folk that you can find online if you're really bothered, I mean I bet you don't even read this bit - you go straight to see if there's any nude pics.



Somewhere off the coast of Miami, sharp-suited drug lord Barry Badman has hired the infamous Action Man haired assassin Golgo 13 (Chiba...nuff said) to 'take out' one of the mob who's been discovered stealing cash and chocolate biscuits from the drug gang clubhouse.

Offering our (anti) hero $150,000 and a family sized packet of Hobnobs in return for killing 'The Kingpin'.

But not this one obviously.

Without further ado Golgo heads off to Hong Kong but not before shooting a couple of the drug bosses henchmen in the head - and off a balcony - for a laugh.

Actually come to think of it that would technically class as further ado really wouldn't it?

Anyway it's in Hong Kong where we (the audience) meet the character who will be cast as Golgo's nemesis for the next 90 odd minutes, the dashing detective Robert 'Smithy' Smith (not his real name) - played to sweaty perfection by Callan Leung - a straight down the line cop obsessed with taking down the Kingpin himself.

We know this as there's a helpful montage showing him roughing up a variety of small time drug dealers and raiding exotic dance clubs.

Which is nice work if you can get it.


Shit....(Far) East 17 have let themselves go.



It's at one such dance club that we finally get to meet the notorious Kingpin as well as give the cameraman a chance to have a wee cheeky lingering look at the laydees who work there.

Which tonight includes a cutsey tomboy chucking knifes at some poor extra in a glittery bra tied to a plank of wood.

And who says that Hong Kong wasn't more cuultured under British rule?

Surprisingly it turns out that the knife thrower is actually an undercover cop named Larry Lam (the fantastic Etsuko Shihomi from Sister Street Fighter) who after months of working at the club - as well as at the local holiday camp judging the nobbly knees contest - has managed to plant a listening device in the Kingpins office where she (over)hears him discussing the arrival of the latest shipment of drugs.

Following him to an old rubber factory she sneaks in to find a fully functioning cocaine lab (or is it a secret lemonade factory? - I can never tell) and quickly leaves to radio for help, unfortunately she's shot and roughly grabbed by the bad boys who decided to use her as a novelty wall ornament, hanging her - as is their want - to a wall before flicking fags, salted peanuts and lit matches at her smooth tummy.

Bastards.

"He did what in his cup?"



Luckily some kids playing near the rubber factory come across her discarded radio and inform the police who rush to the scene guns a-blazing and flairs a-flapping.

Except those wearing snazzy 'colonial' police shorts and long socks - of which there are a frightening amount - obviously.

Unfortunately poor Lam is killed in the crossfire and the building explodes leaving Smith red faced and bare arsed, the Kingpin off the hook and me confused as to the flammability of rubber.

With this explosive action sequence out of the way it's back to the main plot where we discover that the Kingpin is working alongside an evil diplomat named Ronan Polanski from the Peranian Republic in order to smuggle nasty drugs into Hong Kong via his diplomatic bags.

And most probably up his still peachy arse.

Polanski (Ito) it seems is even more of a rotter than the Kingpin, for not only is he dealing the drugs but he's also shagging the Kingpin's missus whilst planning to sell out absolutely everyone to the witch-hunting FBI in exchange for protection, a new identity and a big TeeVee.

What a complete bastard.


Somewhere to park your bike at least.


With both action sequence delivered and all the important plot points explained it's time to get back to Golgo 13, who on arrival in Hong Kong checks into a swanky hotel under the fan-pleasing moniker of  "Duke Togo" before building his super sniper rifle which he had mailed to him in a series of  wooden crate marked "drilling supplies" like some nightmarish DeAgostini partwork.

Unlike DeAgostini tho' all the packages come at once (just like your mum and sister - or so your uncle Jim says) (who knew it was that easy?) so he hasn't got to wait around for 2 years spending hundreds of pounds only to find a bit missing.

Even the office comes flat-packed.




With his unpacking done and with time to kill (as opposed to bad guys) Golgo/Duke heads out to the Kingpin's nightclub to gather information, sitting in a darkened corner booth and mysteriously whilst checking out the local talent and having a few drinks obviously.

It's whilst he's there that our hero comes across (not in that way which I'll admit is surprising for a Japanese movie) Polanski's moppet daughter who takes a shine to Golgo and refers to him as 'The Dragon Man'.

Which is nice.

Maybe he'll see some good in Polanski later or spare his life for his daughter?

Nah, the film-makers will probably forget all about this caring side to him and have Golgo shoot Polanski in the face whilst his daughter sits on his lap during a daring helicopter escape at the films climax.

Who knows?

It's not all product placement whiskey drinking, stroking weans on the head and long lingering looks at Mrs Kingpin tho, as on the way back to his hotel Golgo happens across a disgruntled prostitute in the middle of an argument with her pimp who she shoots dead.

Hang on is this Hong Kong or Dudley?

Taking pity on the poor woman, our hero holds her tightly as the police arrive and tells them that they were having a wee cuddle in the alley when a bad man ran by and shot the pimp, luckily the police (including Smith) believe Golgo and head off in pursuit.

The night's excitement isn't over yet tho' for as Golgo is walking the woman back to her boat eight of the pimps pals appear from nowhere with the intention of giving our hero a bloody good kicking.

Have they not seen The Street Fighter?

Obviously not as Golgo almost immediately kills five of them (and that's just by staring at them harshly) before putting two others in hospital and administering a severe kicking to the others arse.

Suffice to say it's all over in a flash and he's soon waving the woman (whom we'll call Brenda) off before heading back to his hotel to clean the shit off his shoes.

Eye son.

Golgo wakes bright and early the next morn as he prepares for 'the hit' (remember? the reason he's actually in Hong Kong), taking up position overlooking the swimming pool where the Kingpin is getting an award for something or other but mere seconds before he squeezes the trigger, someone else shoots the Kingpin dead.

Annoyed at the thought of someone stealing his thunder Golgo heads off to see his old mentor One-Eyed Ralph Jenkins**, an ex-assassin who now runs a fish and chip shop in Sham Shui Po.

Jenkins warns Golgo to be careful as Assassinating is a young mans game and there will always be someone vying for your job.

A wee bit like blogging then.

But without copious amounts of sexy Oriental babes throwing themselves at you obviously.

Obsessed with discovering the identity of the killer (tho' fuck knows why I mean he'll still get paid) Golgo heads back to the bar to pump Mrs Kingpin for information.

And by that I mean have sex with.

Turns out that the whole thing was planned by Polanski and that Mrs Kingpin had hoped that Golgo would turn up so she could kill him too.

But our hero is on to the whole scheme and no sooner has he shot his muck over her ample arse he's fired an altogether more lethal load on her face.

And by lethal load I mean bullets.

Well one bullet.

But by face I do actually mean her face.

So that's OK then.


Put it in me!



Aware that Golgo is on his trail, Polanski hightails it to Japan to meet  the FBI with Golgo in hot(tish) pursuit.

And by that I mean actually on the same plane, which gives him ample opportunity to continue 'bonding' with Polanski's poppet princess.

By some bizarre stroke of luck 'Smithy' Smith is also on the plane, partly to visit his cute as a button sister Angela - who's studying in Kyoto - but mainly to follow Golgo and Polanski for some reason.

Maybe he fancies a threesome?

I know I would.

Anyway upon landing Golgo sneakily follows Polanski around all the tourist spots before recording his entire FBI-based conversation on a sexy Sony HandyCam camcorder he just happened to have in his pocket.

Whilst all this surveillance stuff is going down Smithy has been busy chatting to the local police in the hope of finding any dirt on either Polanski or Golgo (apart from all the killings obviously) but due to the formers diplomatic immunity and Golgo's sexy hair he discovers that he can't arrest either of them.

Not even a wee bit.

I blame Brexit myself.

Down but not out Smithy decides to follow Golgo anyway but not before having lunch with his sis and taking a trip on the bullet train, which nicely ties in with director Junya Satō's The Bullet Train ((新幹線大爆破, Shinkansen Daibakuha) which also features in this boxset and is said to be the inspiration for Speed.

The film that is not the drug.

Phew glad that's cleared up.


"Slate and Vera Lynn?"

After all this touristy stuff Smithy soon locates Golgo at his hotel and tries perform a citizens arrest only to be informed that he has no jurisdiction in Japan and that anyway Golgo could take him with one hand tie behind his back.

And another up an Emu's arse.

It's not too surprising then that fisticuffs ensue that leave Smithy looking a wee bit disheveled and Golgo free to continue following Polanski - who is, as we speak, flying back to Hong Kong where he quickly informs the police that Duke/Golgo are one in the same.



"Pull my finger!"



With the police desperately hunting Golgo thru' Kowloon's market district, our hero jumps from bus roof to telegraph pole in order to evade them and lose his pistol before they catch him (it appears that it was illegal for notorious hitmen to carry guns in 70s Hong Kong....who knew?) so it's pretty lucky when he bumps into Brenda (you remember the prostitute he saved earlier) who grabs his weapon and quickly hides it up her arse just as Smithy and co. grab him by the boondocks.

Roughly taken up the station and tied to a chair Golgo is given the full bad cop/badder cop shiny lampface treatment before the cops realise that they have fuck all on him and may get into trouble for basically duffing up a tourist.

And with this they let him go.

Heading back to his hotel to prepare for the hit (well you have to admit for a film about a crack assassin there's been precious little assassinating - cracked or otherwise) Golgo notices an abandoned construction site and being a fan of Liebherr Tower Cranes goes in to investigate.

Unfortunately a gang of Polanski's hired thugs are lying in wait (or to be more precise sitting in a digger) and attack him.

Golgo, being hard as nails, easily beats the bad men to a pulp (not even their high-viz jackets and safety goggles can save them) but as he's impaling their ringleader on a splintered chairleg he's shot in the leg ruining the cut of his immaculate white suit.

Needing medical attention but unable to go to a hospital (again for reasons), Golgo collapses in the mud only to be found by Brenda who carries him back to her houseboat, tends his wounds and has 'the sex' with him.

Stitched up, sexed up and refreshed after a few days of sweaty water-based passion Golgo quietly leaves the love nest to prepare for the showdown with Polanski, leaving Brenda a necklace (but thankfully not a pearl one) as a thank you.


"Peow!"


Ever increasingly worried that it's nearly the end of the film and Golgo hasn't made an attempt on his life yet, Polanski heads off to a highly fortified island off the Chinese coast where the FBI have set up a safe house that's not only monitored by dozens of cardboard box-like closed-circuit TV cameras but protected by a squad of hired goons with big guns.


Smithy deciding that sailing out to the island with a gung-ho war party is less likely to cause a diplomatic incident than just, you know giving all the evidence he's amassed on Polanski to his superiors and taking it from their storms the beach with all guns blazing whilst Polanski orders his FBI handler to take a motorboat to the mainland in the hope that the police - thinking it's the dirty diplomat will follow him.

Sounds legit.

Who am I to argue tho' as this seems to do the trick because no sooner have Smithy and co. caught up with the boat than a helicopter appears overhead to pick up Polanski and his daughter.

But where is Golgo? I hear you cry.

Well by this point, our hero has swum onto the beach and free-climbed up the side of a sheer cliff face, where he now waits, swinging from an assassins hammock tenderly stroking massive weapon.

As the helicopter flies overhead taking Polanski to freedom Golgo takes aim and fires, hitting Polanski right between the eyes, his daughter watching in horror as his limp, lifeless body crashes into the water, his notebook detailing all the dodgy drug deals in Hong Kong lying in the water ready to be collected by Smithy.

All kinds of everything remind me of you.


As Golgo goes to the airport to fly home the obsessed copper is waiting for him to give him a goodbye punch in the face and a stern "Don't come back!" talking to.

Which is a wee bit shit seeing as if it wasn't for him Polanski would still be dealing drugs to 'ver kids' and Smithy would never have smashed the dealers ring (ooeerr) but that's the police for you.

Photoshop.




The great-granddad of every John Woo/Chow Yun Fat movie ever made (especially The Killer), Yukio (Zero Woman Red Handcuffs, Yakuza Deka and he Soul of Bruce Lee - AKA Soul of Chiba - amongst others) Noda's Manga adaptation of Takao Saito's manga classic Golgo 13:  is a low budget, batshittly baffling no-brainer that happily coasts by on the charisma of it's lead actor and an outrageous sense of fun.

The second attempt to bring the classic comic book character to the screen (after the little seen - outside Japan that is - 1973 Ken Takakura starrer) forgoes the gritty Yakuza-style realism of the first movie, replacing it (alongside half-decent direction and plot) instead with lots of long, lingering shots of action legend Chiba frowning whilst polishing a big gun.

Which frankly is enough for me to elevate this film to classic status.

"You ain't seen me right?" - Beyond our Ken.



Luckily for everyone else there are a couple of other good performances on show too, including a top turn from Callan Leung who'd already carved out a career playing determined police types and the fantastic Etsuko Shihomi as undercover cop Lam.

A member of Chiba's famous Japan Action Club (a training school set up by the actor for aspiring martial arts film actors and stunt performers), Shihomi was one of Chiba's most successful students, going on to appear in four Sister Streetfighter movies as well as the adventure classic Shogun's Ninja again alongside Chiba as well as future Hollywood star Hiroyuki Sanada.

With so much talent on show it's a pity then that a better director couldn't be found.

I mean Noda is workman-like and Chiba obviously enjoyed working with him (they did make Soul Of Chiba and Yakuza Deka together too) but a film of this size and scale needs a more bombastic eye and sense of style as without the natural charisma and genuine big screen appeal of its star Golgo 13 would be just another run of the mill country-hopping crime caper.

It's still a top piece of entertainment tho'.































*On illustrations for a great new book on the fantastic femmes of film 'Velvet Glove, Iron Fist - available July.....buy it please as I need new shoes.





**I may have made some of these names up after realising I'd forgotten to make a note of the characters. Sorry.

Friday, April 6, 2018

handy manny.



sister act.

Halfway thru' the Easter holibags and with the twin engines of destruction away at dance camp it's been left to Cassidy to pick which movies we indulge in this week.


Actually it's a pretty good choice seeing as Amelia has gone a wee bit manga mad at the moment and in a bizarre yet fairly tenuous link the main character is portrayed by the famed Manga artist and part-time cosplayer Ippongi Ban.
  
Born on January 4, 1965 in Yokohama City, Japan, Ban made her manga debut with Ippongi Bang's Campus Diary in 1983.

A comicbook yesterday.




Published in Fanroad magazine, this semi-autobiographical work originally focused on  her experiences at the agricultural college (?) before turning its attentions to the misadventures of Ban and her fellow artists working at Studio Do-Do.

Usual plots included fights over who left a big poo in the the toilet and arguments over who is the best artist.

You can still pick up issues online dirt cheap and if you buy the American reprints you get the added bonus each issue of a colour poster of Ippongi - usually dressed in a glittery bikini.

Which is reason enough for purchasing I guess.

Anyway enough of the chat, it's action we want.

As one final aside I'd just like to add that my copy has no subtitles so I kinda had to guess as to the intricacies of the plot so forgive me for any glaring mistakes.

Tho' the spelling errors are all my own work.

Enjoy.

Chô-yôma densetsu Uratsuki-dôji: Makai gakuen-hen (AKA Exorsister 1994)
Dir: Takao Nakano.
Cast: Ippongi Ban, Kei Mizutani, Yoshiki Fujii, Yuuya Fujikawa and Kan'ichi Hiraga.



Wonder what this films about?


Meet the sexily hatted, foxily fish-netted flayer of fearsome creatures Maria Cruel, a demon hunter for hire armed with a six-gun and a razor-edged crucifix who has sworn to protect Tokyo from the evil shag monsters from Hell.
Which is nice work if you can get it.


Ban Ippong: Why? She's done nowt wrong!



Anyway somewhere in that sprawling metropolis the nerdy 'schoolgirl' Brenda (who let's be honest is slightly too old to pull off the uniform, looking as she does a wee bit like a Japanese version of Olive from On The Buses - which if I'm honest isn't a bad thing) is strolling around the campus talking to the trees (as you do) when she's accosted by two cigarette smoking, short skirted bad girls.

These violent vixens decide to drag poor bespectacled Brenda kicking and screaming to an empty classroom where they proceed to steal her lunch money - and her clothes - before rudely pinching her nipples and smacking her admittedly peachy bum.

Brenda can do nothing but moan, wriggle her arse and squeal.

Returning home after a day of abuse at the hands of the bullies our nerdy heroine decides enough is enough and begins to formulate a way of getting even with the bad girls.

Angela Lansbury, up the casino, June 1953.....YESCH!






Donning a frankly hideous pink fluffy jumper (no idea if it's related) Brenda intensely surfs the interweb in order to find a particularly nasty satanic themed revenge (again no idea why) and - surprisingly quickly -  manages to find an evil website that enables her to summon a group of terrifying - if slightly mis-matched and shoddily realized - demons.

Seems legit.

This horrific terror tag team consists of a wheelchair bound old man capable of transmorphing into a rubbery (why, thank you) lizard thing; a housefly in a suit; a two–faced (by two-faced I mean he's wearing two overly large pound shop Halloween masks hastily glued together) demon; a really annoying she-creature wearing Cyndi Lauper's cast-offs and a pink wig; a massive moving shit and a man in a gorilla suit.

No really.

Jumper.



And what will this demonic pact cost?

Her soul?

Her collection of Harry Styles memorabilia?

Nothing so mundane.

It seems that to consolidate the deal our schoolgirl chum must enter the demon realm whilst clad only in a pair of little white panties.

This must be part of an ancient Satanic ritual or something I guess, I mean the film's depiction of Satanism has been pretty spot on up till this point so why would it change now?

But that's not all because upon arrival she must allow the big big poo monster to lovingly rub Vaseline covered vacuum cleaner pipes on her.

In loving close-up.

For about twenty minutes.

After all this hoover action - I'll never look at a Dyson the same way again - the (by now slightly foxier looking and contact lens wearing) Brenda hits town to find her tormentors.

Hang on, wasn't that the demons job?

This pact with the devil hasn't really been thought thru has it?

Encountering bad girl bully no. 1 in a seedy bar she quickly administers a good kicking before disappearing back into the fog in order to seduce a drunk old man for a bout of badly filmed optically censored, pixel vision sex.

Fuck me it's Mark Kermode!




Returning home to her hysterical (and not to mention hysterically bewigged) dad, she knees him in the happy sacks before shouting “Fuck you very much!” at him then storming off to her room.

There's only one person who can save his daughter now.

Enter.....the Exorsister!

You would (like you'd have a choice).



Resplendent in leather bike boots, a 'kiss me quick' hat, Christopher Eccleston's shame stained old coat, crusty fishnets and a belt for a skirt, our fag smoking Saviour rides to the rescue (via 1970's style CSO) astride a big black Kawasaki, armed to the teeth and ready for action.

Meow.

Arriving at the house she sits down with a nice cuppa to consult what looks like the limited edition Anchor Bay 'Book of The Dead' release of The Evil Dead (no, hang on, it must be the real Necronomicon....it says so on the side), Ms. Cruel decides there's only one cause of action open to her and, armed with only a plastic Uzi water pistol she enters the girls bedroom spraying her with Holy water in the hope of banishing the demon from within her.

Unfortunately it's not just Brenda's soul that's at stake.

The demons have there milky eyes locked firmly on the school bullies too.

Will the  Exorsister be able to save them from the demonic sex monsters before it's too late?


No chance.

Is it just me or does her right
thigh appear to be floating?




You see whilst all this water pistol action was going down the other demons have been passing the time subjecting the bullies to all manner of pervy, vacuum cleaner based, panty ripping, nipple slipping, noisy tentacle sex.

And let's be honest is there any other kind?


"Laugh Now!!!"





Luckily (for who tho' I'm not sure, I mean the girls seem to be enjoying themselves - tho' not as much as the gorilla I'll admit) the Exorsister quickly bursts into the demon lair and kills all the monsters with her flying crucifix blade before shooting the tentacled turd-man in the face.

Look after all the KY-based cuddling there was only about 10 minutes left to tidy up the plot so they did their best.


"I love you....could it be magic?"


Directed (if you can call it that) by Takao Nakano, the man who gave us the underrated Killer Pussy, the Exorsister is a frighteningly low budget spectacular (shot on Betacam fact fans) featuring more breasts than you could shake a - very slimy - stick at.

With guest appearances from Leatherface, a monster that consists of a tombstone toothed Japanese man dressed in a turd suit, girl on girl wrestling and hoover pipes on wires doubling for schoolgirl molesting tentacles I'm surprised that this series hasn't been picked up by children's ITV before now.

But is it any good and more importantly how does it measure up to classic western demon-based fayre such as RentaGhost or the Ghostbusters remake?

Well if you can ignore the fact that the movie has a budget that appears to run into minus figures, the vacuum cleaner tentacles, the climactic pan-dimensional fight scene being staged in a kiddies playpark, the dads wig, pixelated shagging, the lack of a proper plot and the obviously 30 something school girls then there is much joy to be had here.

Especially if you live in your parents basement and find the thought of talking to a real girl terrifying.

Which is near enough everyone reading this if I'm honest.

Put 'em away luv....No really put them away.


Becoming the surprise smash of 94 (surpassing Forrest Gump and The Lion King in rentals) The Exorsister catapulted Nakona into the wank-tastic straight to video stratosphere culminating with him helming the frankly fantastic Sumo Vixens with the harshly ferret faced, incredibly tiny headed star of Termatrix and Weather Woman Kei Mizutani.

Which is probably more than you - or I - have done with our lives if we're honest.

Print this out and you can give it to your gran so
she knows what to buy you for Christmas.



Sunday, April 1, 2018

(egg) box frenzy

Trying to do an Easter vibe to entice new (any?) readers  so thought I'd give this a re-review cos it has eggs in it.

Andlet's be honest it doesn't ever get the love it deserves.

A wee bit like your mum.

But where do you start with such a classic?

With a brief resume of the directors career methinks.

(I'm actually getting paid by the word for this one).

From writing for the famous Italian movie magazine Galaxy and co-authoring Four Flies on Grey Velvet to directing such classics as Lou Ferrigno's big screen debut Hercules, Argento contemporary cum shopkeeper Cozzi's career trajectory has been nothing if not interesting.

Obviously you'll have to check out a film book/blog that cares about annoying things like facts and interesting content if you want to know more.

But for those readers with ADHD or busy lives there are three films in particular stand out from his resume, the frankly indescribable Caroline Munro starring Argento/Three Mothers sequel/tribute The Black Cat, the Caroline Munro (again, does he have dodgy pics of her stashed away?)/David Hasslehoff space fantasy Starcrash and the frankly magnificent...





Contamination (AKA Alien Contamination, Contamination: Alien on Earth, Toxic Spawn. 1980)
Dir: Luigi Cozzi (AKA Lewis Coates)
Cast: Ian McCulloch, Louise Marleau, Marino Mase, Carlo De Mejo, your mum  and a big green jelly.




Opening as most 80's Italian horror movies do - with grainy aerial shots of New York cut to a totally inappropriate synth score (this time supplied by Italy's finest prog rock legends Goblin) - Contamination begins with a mysterious 'ghost ship' approaching the harbour.

Not the one from Zombie Flesh Eaters tho', that was last weekend.

New York's finest, Lieutenant Tony Aris (played by the fantastically tanned Marino Mase) calls on the bizarrely out of (lip) synch Dr. Turner to explore the ship with him and a group of faceless (literally, they're all wearing bio-hazard masks) cops, who after wandering around in the dark for ten minutes come across the bloodied remains of the crew.

Turner is shocked, it appears that everyone on board either:

A. was replaced by shoddily cut up shop window dummies covered in cow intestines and jam.
or
B. exploded.

"Shite in mah....oh."



After depositing their lunch over one of the corpses (as you do) our intrepid band carefully creep into the ships hold, only to discover boxes upon boxes marked 'café' and a big green glowing egg under a pipe.

If that wasn't enough to make even the bravest man fill his trousers a strange and otherworldly noise, akin to a rusty tuba being played by an asthmatic beagle is spookily echoing around the hold.

Poking the egg with a pencil, Turner is shocked to see it burst open, showering him and all the team (save Lieutenant Aris) with what looks like a mix of PVA glue, green poster paint and KY jelly that has the fairly unusual effect of making all the non speaking extras stomachs explode leaving Aris looking slightly bewildered and the audience ready for 90 minutes of pure terror.

Probably.

"How'd you like your eggs love?"



Aris is whisked away to a top secret military base run by the, um, 'lovely' Colonel Stella Holmes (Marleau), who after stripping him naked, giving him an old blanket and locking him in a big fish tank explains that she runs a special operations unit (Section 5) specifically set up to combat the menace of scary eggs and would he like to join?

You would....and your Granddad probably did. Twice.




Aris jumps at the chance and, clad in a pair of Quick Fit overalls, accompanies Colonel Holmes and co. to a warehouse 'downtown' where they find what looks like a cut-price version of jive talking Italian 'B' god Bobby Rhodes guarding hundreds of the so-called killer eggs.

As the soldiers advance replica-Rhodes bursts one of the eggs causing him and his buddies stomachs to explode leaving the surviving eggs free to be destroyed by flame thrower equipped soldiers.

I have to be honest and admit that I'm really at a loss to explain the logic behind his plan.

"He did WHAT in his cup?"




If nothing else tho' it does allow Holmes to take a couple of them away to examine giving her time to deduce that these eggs could only have come from Mars and that they were brought back by astronauts on the last mission there.

You see, it appears that one of the crew, 'Mutha' Hubbard (played to angry ginger haired Scottish perfection by Italian horror veteran McCulloch) had been ranting about finding a cavern full of big green tuba playing eggs on the red planet but his usually jolly and humorous co-pilot cum ex-UKIP councilor Neil Hamilton, had calmly (some would say too calmly - as if possessed) told everyone Hubbard was a mentalist.

Rather than find a way of checking his story Colonel Holmes had him locked up.


Now there's only one thing she can do.

Yup, go round to his house, slag off his sexual prowess, apologize for calling him mad and ask him to join a secret mission to South America to investigate the company exporting the eggs.

McCulloch sighs, swigs some more Heineken and slaps the colonel round the head before agreeing to join her.

Well, he is out of booze and it's carnival season down there.

Cue stock footage of a radio-controlled plane, mixed with shots of holiday makers, children in big hats smoking cigars, Aris in a pair of obscenely tight trousers and white socks and we're off to the hotel.

But our heroes are being watched.

Hamilton didn't die in a mysterious plane crash (I forgot to mention that sorry) but is in fact running the alien egg export company and his got something big, throbbing and slimy just for Colonel Holmes.....


Your Gran's cum face. Possibly.




It's a race against time to rescue the by now showering Stella - c'mon she's fairly fit for an old bird - and save the world.

Will they discover the secret of Hamilton's link to the eggs?

Will Aris get his leg over with Holmes or will his quickfire one liners fail to ignite her passions?

Why has Hubbard stolen a plane without telling anyone (to find more Heineken apparently)?

And will they survive an audience with the pant wetting terror that is 'the alien cyclops'?




With his career catapulted into the stratosphere (sort of) with the success of Starcrash, director Luigi Cozzi decided that his follow up would also be a sci-fi epic and turned his dreamy eyes to Ridley Scott's film Alien for inspiration.

Luckily for him (and us) his producers agreed.

But how could anyone attempt to match the cinematic perfection that was - and still is - the Scott classic?

It's with this solution that Cozzi cemented himself as a true genius of modern cinema.

Forgoing the tight editing, oppressive cinematography and top-notch casting of his inspiration Cozzi decided to take the opposite route and with it's Shoddily shot, inanely plotted action scenes and a cast that appears to be sleep walking (yes my friends even Ian McCulloch), Contamination not so much pays homage to Alien than breaks into its house, strips Ridley's classic naked, bundles it in a cupboard and sticks its toothbrush up its arse before getting it's dog pissed and putting lipstick on it.


Under blue moon I saw you
So soon you'll take me
Up in your arms
Too late to beg you or cancel it
Though I know it must be the killing time
Unwillingly mine...Fuck me it's a massive egg!


Unfortunately audiences mistook this brave almost Cinéma vérité style for genuine cackhandedness and stayed away in droves whereas in the UK the films stark realism was mistaken for a documentary leading the film to end up banned as one of the notorious 'video nasties' that your granddad keeps harping on about.

That's right, you could be prosecuted for owning this back in the day.

But luckily not for making it.

Eventually the truth was discovered during the infamous Wikileaks saga and the film was rushed onto DVD to terrify a new generation.

And talking to that generation directly I'd just like to say can YOU find a more enjoyable egg based, exploding chest filled Eurohorror than this one?

I think not.


If you don't already own it go out and buy it now!