Thursday, January 29, 2009

more censorshit......

"Pull this one ya bastards!"

Monday, January 26, 2009

don't leave home without it.


Friday, January 23, 2009

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 8)

Vanessa from Bee Movie.




Wednesday, January 21, 2009

slime time.

Bacterium (2006).
Dir: Brett Piper.
Cast: Alison Whitney, Benjamin Kanes, Miya Sagara, Chuck McMahon, Andrew Kranz, Shelley Dague and Jessica Day.

Invade, Infect, Mutate, Devour.
Then shite in mah mooth.

Opening with the bizarre sight of two guys in big white suits (obviously on a break from filming from The Crazies) involved in a helicopter chase with The Incredible Melting Man, the movie starts as it means to go on when melty bloke unfortunately crashes into a barn causing a massive explosion.

Off screen of course.

Scarpering before the parkie turns up, the bio-suit boys decide to cross their fingers and hope the scary green vial that the melting man was carrying was destroyed, rather than actually land and go check for themselves.

It seems that secret government agencies just can't get the staff these days.

Meanwhile in the local woods, two young couples are enjoying a friendly game of paintball(?).

Taking a break from covering each other in splatty sticky stuff, Lemon sucking bad boy Jiggs (Kanes - not the Rob Lowe character from Wayne's World, I think) and the bucktoothed blonde beauty, Beth (Whitney, star of Splatter Beach) happen across a seemingly deserted house and, reckoning that their other halves may be hiding inside (why? are they twelve?) decide to take a look around.

Almost immediately the come across mad as a bag of spanners Dr. Boskovic (McMahon, fresh from the car crash that was Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers), desperately trying to find a cure for the aforementioned green stuff from the movies opening sequence.

This is a Lowe.

Surprised to see a couple of young folk wandering around his house he quickly informs them that the place is surrounded by heavily armed black ops types with orders to shoot at anyone or anything that moves and that the safest thing to do would be for Beth to strip naked whilst he gasses her.


No need.

After a silly accident with a toothbrush and a cheese grater, Boskovic himself becomes infected by the grren goo he's tried so hard to find a vaccine for, and it's not long before he's shite-ing emerald slime from his mooth and pissing snot by the bucketful.

Meanwhile Brook (Sagara, possibly not the one on the Real Estate Board of New York) and soon to die Chandler (Kranz, definately not Matthew Perry) have also found the house meaning it's up to our four chums to stop the rapidly spreading alien gunk beasts without getting diced in the crossfire.

Just to add a wee bit more excitement to the plot, the fairly frisky general in charge of guarding/shooting up the house has decided that the only way to stop the creatures from infecting the earth is to explode a black hole bomb in the infected area.

Nope, nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.

No sir.

Let's just hope some angry bikers don't turn up too.

I wouldn't want that with my liver and onions.

Ah, Brett Piper, a gossamer winged saviour of the trash movie genre lets loose another quality lo-fi epic onto a shiny DVD full of crappy CG-ed effects, big bogie monsters and a bit of totally gratuitous nudity for good measure.

His cast of non actors struggle gamefully to deliver pages of schlocky dialogue whilst a man in a painted binbag does his best to look threatening whilst pretending to scoff a pile of joke shop bones ALA the creatures from that 1966 Peter Cushing classic Island of Terror (well, I say classic but I really mean not bad....well, I say not bad...).

The creature attempts to give Shelley Dague
a pearl necklace as a peace offering.

Classic bits to savour include Beth's boyfriend getting killed off but no-one noticing, the already mentioned nude gassing and the dolls house under attack whilst a big greenie throws action men at it.

"Laugh noooooooooooooooow!"

And remember kids, there is an important environmental message in the movie which by default makes it worthy of praise.

I must be getting soft in my old age.

Monday, January 19, 2009

cinema's forgotten legends (part 15).

She's blonde, she's ballsy and she's never suffered from Bells Palsy, it's....

Barbara Crampton


Born on December 27, in 1862 (or 1658 depending on where you crib your info from), Babs spent her youth traveling across American and 'ye olde Europe' with her Carnie dad, Crispin 'Crocodlie' Crampton, the famous half man/half lizard trapeze artist and inspiration for the Batman villain Killer Croc.

Her father helped young Barbara develop her love for 'performing' and she was soon appearing with the Ken Roach Dwarfs in an exotically erotic human cannonball cum juggling (that means it's a mixture of the two, not that she juggled jism) act.


Giving up the circus life to attend college, Babs graduated with a Bachelorette of hearts degree in nude monster sex from Roy Castleton State College before moving to New York to take the title role in King Lear for the American Theatre of Terrifying Things.

After being chased out of town by angry Shakespeare purists she decided to lay low in sunny Los Angeles (tho' i've never been there so I can't say it's sunny for sure) where she went on to star in the horror classics Re-Animator (nude and being molested by a severed head), From Beyond (in bondage gear getting touched up by a monster) and Castle Freak (wearing a nice cardie).

Bubbly Babs: Hotter than Linda Hunt.

With roles in the such movies as Puppet Master (not as a puppet tho') and Fraternity Vacation (but only topless), Barbara's career was about to go stellar with her television debut in the daytime soap opera Days of our Lives, where she played Trista Evans Bradford and kept her clothes on.

Addicted to the drug that is a weekly pay check (and realising that there was no-one else on the planet that hadn't seen her naked) she joined the cast of The Young and the Restless, winning some award along the way.

But none of these parts involved her stripped and sweaty whilst tied to a bed being touched up by a monster so frankly we're not that interested.

Red for danger!

After a quickie marriage to ex Magpie presenter Tommy Boyd she made even more soap appearences (most famously on the lighthouse drama Guiding Light) before offing Boyd with a chair leg and swiftly getting engaged to L.A.-based actor and director Kristoffer (the voice of The Vulture in the hit video game Spider-Man: Web of Shadows) Tabori in April 1995.

But this relationship wasn't to last and, after finding her hubbie to be had been secretly directing shitloads of teevee stuff without giving her a role she called off the engagement.

With an axe to the head.

Luckily she'd recently joined the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful as Maggie 'finding' Forrester Warwick-Castle which gave her the alibi she needed to avoid the slammer.

"It's the blind man!"

When not appearing in rubbish or murdering her lovers, Crampton enjoys skiing, horseback riding and yoga as well as running (from the law), working out with weights, and enjoying going to flea markets and shopping for antique weapons.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

tokyo a no-no.

for one night's the mighty Cassatron's choice of movie.


Um....actually it's this one.....


Tho' this is also based on a true story.


Monster (Aka: Tokyo, 2008)
Dir:Eric Forsberg
Cast: Sarah Lieving, Erin Sullivan, a few (and I do mean a few) other folk, a large monster (allegedly) but definitely not Charlize Theron.

Or Christina Ricci.

Two environmentally friendly, yet disappointingly plain (the kinda girls you'd see serving on the meat counter in Morrisons), sisters; Sarah and Erin (Lieving - star of 666: The Child, and Sullivan from Transmorphers), are all set for a wee trip to Japan to make a documentary on climate change and stuff.

The politically correct pair enjoy a few days playing tourists (no pesky permits needed...yay!) before heading over to interview the Minster of the Environment (who appears to work in a cupboard and wear his dad's suit) , who assures the two women that Japan and her people love the environment and promise not to hurt it.

Suddenly Sarah begins to shake her camera and zoom violently around the room (don't worry tho', she's not having a stroke or even a bad case of the DT's), it is in fact a massive earthquake hitting the city and not, we repeat not, anything to do with the blurry, CGI turd half glimpsed writhing about in the background.

Yeah right, we believe you.


Sarah and Erin are ushered into the basement by the building's security (unfortunately not to be locked in a crazy tentacle sex dungeon) where they pass a good twenty minutes chatting to some sweaty office workers in between sweatily reacting to the lights going on and off whilst someone showers them with dust before getting bored and heading out into the street.

Once outside Erin keeps pointing up at the sky and shouting "Look! A bloody big monster is destroying the city!" whilst Sarah keeps the camera pointed squarely at her sister.

At this point our heroines reckon it'd be best to head for an undercover shopping centre, away from the streets and somewhere they'll be no need (and no way) to CGI a monster into later.


Wandering aimlessly past the deserted stores, only stopping to occasionally to react to an explosive or scream from outside, the girls become quickly bored with looking at shoes and handbags so decide to try to get to the American Embassy.

Outside all is quiet and the streets are empty (lucky that) save for a few chucks of polystyrene, painted egg boxes and a few extras milling about in a bored manner. Without warning Erin screams and points as the hideous creature passes by and the girls (but not us because that would involve spending some money) see the beast in all it's tentacled glory for the first time.

"Oh no....I've got my woman's period".

Realizing that it's probably dangerous to be out in the streets (the monster, or more likely immigration may get them), the sobbing sisters quickly hide in some bins where they come across a few like-minded survivors who, in comedy broken English reveal that the Embassy (as well as the girls hotel and the nearest McDonalds) has been destroyed.

"You utter bastard Dad...
what do you mean it's not the
one with Charlize Theron in it?"

Cassidy is not impressed.

Sarah, obviously not enjoying sitting about in piles of rubbish with a group of rejects from Takeshi's Castle convinces Erin that they should really be hiding somewhere nicer, maybe with chairs, tables and maybe even food.

So, leaving the others behind they head to the nearest restaurant.

Annoyed at the lack of service, the dipsy duo have a look around the basement for any crisps or pop but to no avail. They do find an old man hiding in a cupboard brandishing a kitchen knife whilst shouting something in Japanese tho'.

You can feel their disappointment when they realize that he can't understand their pleas for food.

Just then the mans granddaughter appears....and as luck would have it she can speak 'the engrish'!

She explains that, due to a big monster attacking the city that the restaurant will be closed for a few days and that customers aren't really allowed in the basement.

Our heroines nod at each other and leave, just as a massive explosion (heard not seen) rocks the basement killing gramps and the girl.

Which is a pity seeing as she was twice as talented and much sexier than both the sisters combined.

"Sorry, I farted....and it smells of egg".

With most of Tokyo destroyed (allegedly) and no hope of rescue, Erin and Sarah walk aimlessly (yes there is a fair bit of aimless wandering in this film, both actual and metaphysically) thru' devastated streets and crowds of walking wounded, finally bumping into a man they meet in the bins earlier.

The happy reunion is shattered by the shrill noise of fighter jets flying overhead followed by loud explosions (which Sarah does actually managed to film!). A squad of soldiers pulling a cannon join the fight as rubble, empty beer cans and the contents of a kitchen drawer are thrown around them.

During the confusion Erin and Sarah are separated and the camera dropped.

Static and noise fill the screen.

The next time we see Sarah she's lying wounded against a car, her sister desperately comforting her as a big pixely worm waves unconvincingly behind them.

Check the shorts.

The movies ending reveals that the camera and tapes were found in the remains of the city and that the fate of the sisters is unknown.

Tho' I'd like to think they returned to their old jobs at Wallmart after unsuccessfully chasing their Hollywood dreams.


Some would say that director Eric (Snakes on a Train, Night of the Dead: Leben Tod, Alien Abduction and War of the Worlds 2) Forsberg is a genius, taking the basic plot of the 'monster destroys city genre' and, unlike Cloverfield, which showed us the effects of such a crisis from the point of view of an individual at ground zero, bases the whole film around the said individuals telling us rather than showing us what is happening.

It takes a maverick of proportions rarely seen in modern cinema to even attempt something as groundbreaking as that.

Or a no-talent cheapskate with delusions of greatness prostituting himself by knocking out barely watchable rip-offs to make a fast buck?

Movie God or bearded charlatan?
YOU decide.

But saying that, what do you expect from a movie released by the infamous Asylum studios, makers of such quality fayre as The Day The Earth Stopped, Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls, The Da Vinci Treasure, 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea and, um, The 9/11 Commission Report?

At least a wee bit of gore and gratuitous nudity, that's what.

Is that too much to ask from our Mockbusters?

Or was I upset that 'Monster' promised sweaty ladies running about in Japan being chased by a many tentacled monster yet didn't deliver what I expected?

It must be real, it's on the news.

At least no wee boys died so my Nan enjoyed it.

And yours might too.

The perfect antidote to every Gojira movie ever made (except Godzilla's Revenge), Monster is the perfect film for those with a heart condition, insomnia (the illness not the film) or anyone whose girlfriends refuse to watch scary films because they're too frightening.

You know who you are.

Friday, January 16, 2009

useful things to know (part 1).


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

smash it up.

Raiders of the Damned (2007)
Dir: Milko Davis
Cast: Richard Grieco, Gary Sirchia, Laura Zoe Quist, Elijah Murphy, Thomas Martwick, Laura Clemens, Amanda Scheutzow and J.C. Austin

"Eye son".

It's the end of the world as we know it, nasty nuclear weapons have put paid to most of humanity (save ex Teen Agent Richard Grieco and a handful of straight to video ne'er-do-wells) and, if that wasn't enough a particularly virulent man-made virus called Agent 9-X has turned a huge number of the survivors into pasty faced zombies.

Spooky or what?

Luckily for us 'norms' the zombie hordes are all stuck behind a huge wall in a designated quarantine zone where they can't get up to any mischief.

Or can they?

"Suckle on my hairless man breasts sinner!".

Everything seems to be coasting along OK in this post weary, apocalyptic world until one day brainy boffin Dr. Wells (who seems to be on a top secret mission to drop soot on the undead) is shot down behind enemy lines by a chino wearing, skull-faced zombie wielding a crossbow.

No, seriously.

This is particularly bad news for the rag tag group of survivor at the nearby military base as they desperately need to have a wee chat with Dr. Wells (ex-tough guy soldier turned actor Murphy in case you were wondering) seeing as he's the only scientist with any chance of discovering a cure for this zombie plague.

But ain't that always the way in these movies?

Within minutes of the good doctor and his lovely assistant Stephanie (Scheutzow...bless you) stumbling drunkenly from the helicopters wreckage the pair find themselves face to putrefying face with the evil zombie madman Colonel Crow (Martwick) who drags them back to his secret fortress.

It seems that the Colonel hasn't let a little thing like death put paid to his military career and he's spent the last several years training the local undead in the art of warfare and plans to breach the walls of the survivors complex and wipe them all out.

But not before he tries his undead seduction techniques on poor old Stephanie.

Do you think he ate her whole?

Back at human central, mad as a lorry scientist Lewis (the poor man's Lou Diamond Phillips, Grieco) reckons that the infamously wayward rebel marine captain and former comrade of Crow, Dewey Crenshaw (Sirchia, looking for all the world like a camper Barry Bostwick if that's at all possible) is the only man who can rescue Wells and sexy Steph.

The only problem is that he's in prison for 'war crimes' and will only take on the mission if he can choose his own team.

No surprise that everyone agrees to his terms so without so much as a change of pants, Crenshaw has gathered together a group of his pals (including the oh so cutesome Quist and some other, less attractive folk) to head over the wall, rescue the scientist and his by now, zombie cock obsessed assistant and, just because it'll be convenient whilst they're there, shoot Crow in the face before he shags anyone else.

The incredibly sexy and talented Quist is by
far the best thing in this movie.

(I should mention that
she also reads this blog).

Little do they know that Crow is almost ready to march on the remanents of humanity and finish the war once and for all.

And there's the little matter of a spare dimensional portal knocking about that he wants to use to breach the survivors defences with that needs dealing with too.

Oh, and he's horny for more hot (by hot I mean breathing) ladies to impregnate with his evil zombie sperm.

No doubt he'll want revenge on Crenshaw too.

He's either gonna be dead busy, or this movie is gonna get really confusing causing the viewer to lose interest and pop Army of Darkness on instead.

"Did you get me a Drifter?"

Mighty Milko Davis, the man responsible the terrifying special effects in the Seduction Cinema classic Dracula's Dirty Daughter, as well as the voice of The Carnivore in that hilarious SciFi comedy Star Warp'd makes his directorial debut with this haphazard riff on Mad Max and Escape from New York via big George Romero's entire zombie back catalogue with a plot so surprisingly packed with ideas and twists that it's like watching about a dozen movies rolled into one.

Pity none of them are that good tho'.

"The pen may be mightier than the sword
but this'll go further up your arse!""

Saying that, the cast do their best to rise above the mish-mash of concepts on show, especially the fantastic Quist (meow) and the b-movie god that is Grieco, proving once and for all that his alimony bill must be huge.

And it's great to finally see a tasteful zombie sex scene.

It's no Nightmare City, but then again what is? Tho' it is about a thousand times more entertaining than 28 Days Later.

And if that isn't damning with faint praise I don't know what is.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 7)

Susie Dent, the oh-so cutesome Countdown word expert.


Saturday, January 3, 2009

smith's crisp.

Big chinned, floppy haired unknown Matt Smith has been named as the actor who will be clawing the key to the TARDIS from David Tennant's still warm hands next year to cries of "Who the fuck is he?" from a concerned viewing public.

Noel Fielding IS The Doctor!
Who'd have thunk it?

Smith, 14, has already built up an impressive CV on stage, on his paper round and the small screen (well that really depends on the size of your telly doesn't it?) including BBC Two's critically acclaimed yet mostly unwatched political drama Party Animals in which he played a parliamentary researcher who wore glasses similar to Tennant's in Doctor Who, the hit comedy The Mighty Boosh and opposite the fish-lipped, Jew baiting ex Doctor Who star Billie Hartnell in the 2006 adaptation of Philip Pullman's The Ruby and the Wax, which starred Billie as Sammy Hagar.

Billie: One day he will come back.

He later reprised his role as Jim's tailor - the dog bodied roadie sidekick to Sir Hank Marvin - in The Shadow's Oop North (2007).

The actor's stage work has included stints selling ice cream at London's Royal Court and in the bar at the National Theatre.

Smith: (Time) lordy lordy!

Born to a family of Romanian travelling minstrels in 1998, Smith originally planned to be either a train driver, astronaut, superhero or a famous footballer, playing for the Leicester City and Nottingham Forest youth academies, a serious injury sustained whilst saving a young mother from a rampaging bull in Bloxwich town centre scuppered his sporting dreams and, after seeing Timmy Mallett in panto as Buttons decided to give 'this acting lark' a shot.

In an exclusive shot from the new series,
Smith is seen battling the dreaded Sontarans.

His work cleaning out the ashtrays at the National Youth Theatre got him both an agent and his first professional job before graduation, appearing in the violently titled Fresh Kills at the Royal Food Court, Ipswich in 2004, before joining the cast of On the Shore of the Wide World for a drink in the theatre bar.

It was here that he demonstrated his unique ability to balance 12 beer mats on his chin, a skill which won him the role of Torchwood in Lennie Bennett's The History Boys.

His West End debut in Swimming With Sharks, opposite ex Supergirl Christian Slater and some sharks (obviously) before appearing alongside the saucy star of Rome Lindsay (mother of Blue Peter presenter Peter) Duncan in That Face of Boe to critical acclaim at London's Duke of York's Theatre.

Slater: Menswear.

Current Doctor and star of Top Gear, sexy Scotsman David Tennant, 27, has said Smith's "life is about to change in so many ways, what with puberty approaching" and Doctor Who Godhead Steven Moffatt, who was kind enough to speak exclusively to me on the phone earlier had this to add.

Duncan: experienced.

"Aye son, we had a wee shuftie thru' loads o' famous actors an' stuff but it made sense to cast wee Matt. I mean that bastard Tennant costs a bomb noo he's famous but wid the new fella bein' under 16 we can pay him what we long as he's got The Beano and a Mars bar he's happy. You ken?"

Moffat and Tennant just before the
Scots superstar was pushed.

"The only problem we've got is with him being a wean we cannae do night shoots on a school night seein' as his mam wants him tucked up in bed before 9. Noo get to fuck before I set aboot ya!"

More news as it comes in but until then, welcome aboard Noel!*

*Be aware that this is a joke and I'm really looking forward to it!

Friday, January 2, 2009

who's next?












Find out the morrow at 17:35, BBC 1.....