Wednesday, December 12, 2007

the best of jimmy olsen.

For your enjoyment.....the top ten exciting adventures of Jimmy Olsen, Superman's 'Pal'.

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new uses for sticky tape (part one).

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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

library power!

The world needs more librarian super heroes.

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any excuse.

Just noticed I've not posted a picture of Asia Argento for ages so here you go.

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Wednesday, December 5, 2007

reasons to love cbeebies (part 5)

Nina And The Neurons


Shown on the CBeebies channel to help pre-school children understand basic science. The show is the brainchild of Lucille McLaughlin, producer of the junior Wicker Man that is Balamory and the Sheila Keith tribute show Me Too!.

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Nina: I would.


The show feature hot science boffin Nina (
Katrina Bryan - also the shows writer) and her scarily animated, X-Men like neurons (obviously) each representing the five senses:

Felix (the Wolverine of the group) - Touch
Belle (Jean Grey) - Hearing
Luke (Cyclops) - Sight
Ollie (Beast) - Smell
Bud (Nightcrawler) - Taste

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"Don't attempt anything without the gloves!"


Each episode begins with the lovely Nina experimenting on some children (sorry, with some children) at the Dalek City like Glasgow Science Centre, before she is 'contacted' by a child asking a wee/fart/slightly scientific question. Jumping into her
pale blue 1970's Volkswagen Type 2 minibus (numberplate: NINA) she turns up at the kids house, forces their parents/grandparents/carers to wear really tight man breast/old lady tit revealing t-shirts and attempts to answer their question using experiments relating to one or more of the five senses.

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Collar and cuffs.


Episodes to look out for include the one where she flies to Spain to explain why we need to piss. It includes great scenes of our lab coated lovely drinking lots of pop then wriggling about with her knees together going "Oh oh I need a wee!".

Possibly the most erotic thing I have ever seen on kids teevee.

Fact.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

in a slightly different vein...

....here's Rom The Space Knight being kissed by a small girl.

Aw sweet!

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Monday, December 3, 2007

and talking of the 60's.....

Here we present the ultra rare Yvonne Craig photo shoot from the January 1968 issue of Modern Man: 'The Adult Picture Magazine'. Too torrid for tots indeed!

Click to enlarge (oooeeerrr).


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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

hulk smash puny humans.

Best. Toy. Ever.

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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

now then, now then.....

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

under the covers.

Bad (and I mean very bad) book covers......enjoy!


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Wrong, wrong wrong.



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...As envisaged by a blind, wooden
handed five year old.




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Fake name, shit socks.




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Chewbacca's sex face....nooooo.



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"Oh no! the cat's bled on a gravestone!"




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Finger-licking good!



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Spock farted....and it was an eggy one.



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I have nightmares about Mr. Cat-hand...



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"Eat my pie!"

pants.

How about these for you or a loved one this Christmas?


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Friday, November 9, 2007

hail to the king!

Coming soon...........Nuff said!

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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

beyond the cupboard (part 2).

Was just looking for Rollie's winter hat in our scary cupboard when I came across this:

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Admit it, you would (but you'd probably be thinking of her sister).

Saturday, October 20, 2007

a magic touch.

For your enjoyment, Magical mistress of the dark arts Debbie McGee's Video Showreel.




Wednesday, October 17, 2007

it's a plug!

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boom boom.

Mad Foxes (AKA Mad Foxes: Stingray 2, 1981)
Dir: Paul Grau.
Cast:
Robert O'Neal, Laura Premica, Siggy Helm, Sally Sullivan, Peter John Saunders and Hank Sutter.




"Hey Stiletto, give her a good screw!"



Back in late 1984 when the infamous video nasties bill was tightening it's grip on the outlying regions and border systems, enterprising schoolboys with Saturday jobs in video shops spent every waking hour procuring said nasties from shop managers for a pound each, only to sell them on to friends and acquaintances for up to a tenner at time.

One such film was Mad Foxes, to a fourteen year old boy an exciting mix of vigilante action, Nazi's, murder, motorbikes and, as my school chum Jamie Bridle put it "A couple shagging in the bath!".

To an adult revisiting it however you realize that it's actually one of the most disturbingly insane, atrociously made, politically incorrect movies of all time.

Yes, it's that good.

The plot is as simple (minded) as it is brilliant, Hal (O'Neal from Zombie Creeping Flesh and your mums bedroom) and his cutsey girlfriend are sitting at a red light minding their own business (they're in a car by the way, I mean they're not just sitting by the side of the road on a pile of coats) when an old bald man and his geriatric motorcycle gang pull up and start 'hassling' them.

Unimpressed by the cut of their jib (tho' impressed by the finely ironed creases in their trousers) Hal drives off giving the bikers an excuse to give chase.

Ain't that always the way?

Unfortunately one of the gang is killed in the high speed road rage that follows when he crashes his bike into a parked Fiat Uno (oh the embarrassment).

Acting as if things like this happen to them all the time Hal and his hot chick ignore his cries for help and drive off to a discotheque to frug the night away.




"So....you fancy a wee bit of mooth shite-in sexy lady?"

Cue twenty minutes of dad dancing and bouncy unbridled late 70s boobs all cut to a hellishly inappropriate - and scarily unfashionable especially for 1981 - disco score.

So far so Saturday Night Fever

Albeit set in Blackpool.

Leaving the club high on love and cheap poppers Hal is surprised to find the biker gang lying in wait and before you can say 'funky moped' hunky Hal is  knocked unconscious by a bald bad man whilst the evil gang fiddle with his girlfriend.

Ouch.

What your girlfriend was really up to when she said she was studying with friends.

Luckily Hank is a member of an all male nude Kung Fu club (which isn't in any way remotely homo-erotic, no sir) and calls on them to help him plan his revenge.

The group decide to gatecrash the bikers funeral, getting  oriental on the gangs arses before cutting off the bald gang leaders penis and popping it in his mouth.

This isn't going to end well is it?.

Battered, bruised and bashfully bummed the remaining bikers (led by a new fully cocked bad man named Terry Stiletto) turn up at the Kung Fu school, throw a grenade into the classroom and start machine gunning the students.


And if this wasn't enough payback they torture the class teacher in order to gain Hanks address before stabbing the poor guy to death.


Which for this movie is a pretty boring way to go.

Your dads cum face. Trust me I've seen it often enough.


Turning up at Hanks pad the gang kick down the door and start smashing stuff - including his priceless collection of Sylvanian Family china figurines - which although is pretty mean does give Hank enough time to jump out of the window and into his souped up Stingray (the car, not the submarine) to make his escape.

Unfortunately the gang are in hot pursuit.

I'd like to add that at this point that all this happens within the first thirty five minutes of the movie.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

Driving along to his mum and dads house, Hal takes a break from all this revenge to pick up a foxy, button nosed female hitch-hiker named Lilly before stopping in a field to have some 70s style sex with her.

Wiping his cock on her rucksack the pair continue on to his folks luxurious mansion they proceed to have even more of the sex in the bath  - Jamie was right; you can see her bush and everything - before going out for a leisurely stroll.

THE greatest movie scene ever...if you were 14 and from Sedgley obviously.


But while Hal and Lilly are out enjoying the scenery, yup you guessed it the bikers turn up at the house, killing the gardener with his own hedge trimmers, shooting the cook in the arse and machine gunning Hank's dad before shooting Hanks wheelchair-bound mum in the face.

They then gut the maid and fiddle with her intestines before leaving.

Which is nice.


Hal returns (after more sex) to find everybody dead and solemnly vows even more revenge.

"Put it in me!"


With only 20 minutes of the films running time left Hank hunts down the gang one by one, slaughtering them like dogs until only Stiletto is left.


Stiletto is wise to Hanks plan tho' and has set and elaborate booby trap to stop our hero.


Confident and (maybe a little too) cocky, Stiletto retires to the lavatory for a pooh and a quick read of exchange and mart only for Hank to pop in thru' the window and drop a grenade down the pan.

The camera holds a close-up of Stiletto's penis for an uncomfortably long time before it - and the bathroom - explodes.

Hal drives home, all revenged out and ready for some celebratory sex with Lilly only to find the castrated old bald man sitting on his bed holding a home made bomb.....



What can you say about Mad Foxes that hasn't been said at least a hundred (well eight) times before?

It's badly constructed, poorly dubbed and inanely plotted with an ending left open for a sequel that unfortunately never materialized.

And by left open I mean there isn't one, bomb goes off....that's it.

The overload of violence, nudity and general sleaziness means that by 20 minutes into the movie your brain has melted and is oozing out of your ears....filled with bloodshed, explosions and more cock that you can shake a stick at, Mad Foxes is a truly unique experience.

Oh, and Jamie was right, it is a really good bath shag scene.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

censorsh*t 2

It's gone all 1984 again after the banning of Manhunt 2 as the government is asking for a new study of the effect of violent computer games on children.


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Byron: Brains and beauty.


Psychologist and top TeeVee babe Tanya Byron will head the study, which will also examine how to protect children from online material (erm....get their parents to take an interest in what they're doing online and not just leave them to it perhaps?).

The review is due to be launched by raven haired Dr Byron - together with Schools Secretary Ed Balls (snigger) and Culture Secretary James Purnell - at a school in east London.

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Sexy yet sweet.


The games industry association Elspa is also co-operating with the study - but has said that it was too often blamed for society's ills.

Spokesman Paul Jackson commented in his husky tones "We're too often blamed for everything from obesity to youth violence...It is just not true and it's not appropriate." He added: "We feel quite positively about this review. It's clear the review is about making sure parents are properly informed about what their youngsters are playing and what they are accessing on the internet. Now I've got to dash as I'm downloading some top porn."

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Dreamy.


The thinking mans crumpet Dr Byron possibly said: "The study will be about what industry is doing already to protect children and what more could be done to ensure they have a positive experience on the internet and with games.....which will probably involve making then all illegal and banning the internet from working class homes."

'Singled out'

Veteran developer and specky geek David Braben, of Frontier games, asked why games were being singled out.

"A review might be useful but it should not just look at one media, especially when media are intersecting," he said in that way that only tech-heads talk.

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A slightly different manhunt
from the one banned yesterday.


He added in a squeaky voice: "Historically there has always been in government a Luddite sentiment - whatever the new industry is tends to take the blame of the latest ailment of society. We do tend to be the people who get the blame first at the moment. And that is a tragedy - because this industry is one of the most interesting media."

Philip Oliver (not the ex Brookside star), chief executive of Blitz games, said more education was needed for parents (and probably a good slap seeing as quiet a few seem to ignore the big 18 label on films, games etc. and think sportswear is a good look for down the shops. Scum).

"They aren't paying attention to the certificates (see...told you). That is partly because they don't understand them (thick as shit Neds) and have a distorted image of games - that either they are harmless or totally evil".

The review is launched a day after the British Board of Film Classification refused a certificate for Manhunt 2 for a second time. Tho' I must admit that after playing a leaked (and uncut) version for over a week (purely for research purposes) I don't feel the urge to kill anyone....well not anyone I didn't want to kill before.

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The kind of violence that
may be caused by video games.


Mr Oliver then backtracked and said the decision was proof "the system is working". Rather than getting angry that adults are being told what they can or can't play just in case some wee chav with a steakie decides to rob someone of their mobile phone and their lilly liberal local MP/parent etc. goes "Oh it was that game/film what made him do it....he was a good boy till then....honest".

Makes me want to puke.

According to Elspa, only 2% of games released in the UK receive an 18 certificate and the average age of a gamer is 28.

'Love on The Rocks'

Mr Jackson said: "We are a very important British industry. We are very responsible and keen to ensure that our products are only played by those who they are designed for."

Margaret Robertson, a video games 'consultant' and former editor of Edge magazine, said the industry felt it was doing as much as it could.

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A child re-enacts his favourite Mortal
Kombat death scene for Dr. Tanya.


"The games industry is holding itself to higher standards than the film industry. Allowing that, everyone is united in not wanting material for older gamers to get into the hands of children."

She added: "This report may start finding some wider ways to do that because that's our main priority, not making shed fulls of cash."

I just don't understand why they just can't make the boxes bigger so that children can't hold them in their hands. Simple really.

Friday, October 5, 2007

phrase of the day.....

From Mr. Dissolved Paul:
"I've had the misfortune to slowly crawl through the sewers of cinematic discharge".
Utter gold!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

each!

Clips from the greatest teevee challenge show ever......
It's Globo Loco!


Sunday, September 16, 2007

you can swim, but you can't hide...

Raging Sharks (2005)
Dir: Danny Lerner.
cast: Corin Nemec, Vanessa Angel, Elise Muller, Corbin Bernsen, Binky Van Bilderbeek, some raging sharks.

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Far out in deep space a cock headed alien and his crab-faced wife are arguing over directions to Waitrose or something, oblivious to the fact that another big spaceship is heading directly towards them. Suddenly the arguing couple are bought back to reality by a huge explosion (borrowed and superimposed from an old episode of Buck Rogers in The 25th Century by the look of it) as the craft collide in a mish-mash of slow mo Airfix glory and quality shaky cam. Luckily the mismatched pair manage to jettison what looks like a big wheelie bin into space before everything blows up.

The mysterious space bin comes crashing to Earth via the centre of a fishing boat (with more added on explosions and stock footage) much to the surprise of her Oscar quality crew, before coming to rest at the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle...

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Beware the bin men.


Cut to five years later and we're aboard the Oshona deep sea lab where team leader the lank haired Dr. Mike Olsen (80's teeVee hunk and former Parker Lewis Can't Lose star Corin Nemec) is having a wee bit of a run in with his fellow researchers (one of whom is his wife) regarding the inadequate facilities and general state of the place (which is fair to be honest, looking as it does like it was made out of loo rolls and pipe cleaners by a blind Blue Peter presenter. With wooden hands).

Adding to his troubles is the fact that he and his aforementioned (and fish lipped) missis (Angel) are arguing over settling down and having babies and the general feeling that no one has a scooby as to what they're meant to be 'researching'.


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The contents of my kitchen
drawer yesterday.

“We need results, people!” shouts Olsen at Vera, a particularly big chinned babe in pigtails (star of Hammerhead Sharkman and less charismatic Tara Reid lookalike Muller) as he leaves for the 'institute' to try to raise some cash (and probably wash his hair) whilst faceless extras 'Don' and 'Jake' head outside 'to fix the relay'. As you probably guessed the mismatched pair are munched by sharks (well, by sharks I mean a heady mix of scratchy shark stock footage, a shiny plastic shark nose and leftover CGI shark stuff from Shark Attack 3) within minutes of leaving the base, causing the crew to start screaming and shouting "Are you all right Don? Are you all right Jake?" for about half an hour, getting louder and snottier nosed every time.

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"Is it Giro day?"


God knows how long it took this pair to get ready and then get eaten, but by the time we cut back to Olsen he's in a car driving around Boston whilst his bosses tell him about the Don and Jake incident on the phone and before you have time to catch your breath he's on a submarine commanded by the Dentist himself, Corbin Bernsen and heading back towards the base.

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"Taxi for Schubert!"


Scarily, back at the Oshona, Vanessa Angel is still on the radio shouting "Are you all right Don? Are you all right Jake?" whilst watching bits of grue and wet suit float past the monitor screens so just to make sure they're dead she decides to head outside to take a look for herself. Within minutes she too is attacked by a shark but, partly thru' luck but mainly due to second billing in the title credits manages to stab it in the face and return to the base.

If the idea that the sharks seem to be hunting in packs (and growling) isn't enough to scare the shite out of the scientists then the fact that they decide to attack the power and life support cables connecting our merry band to the surface definitely is. All they can do is hope Olsen can reach them in time.

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"Grrrraaarrrrr!!!!"


Meanwhile on the surface, the supply boat (that I forgot to mention, sorry) is having trouble of it's own; every time they send a diver down to repair the cables a shark eats them and things get worse when a coastguard plane arrives to help. It's attacked by an obviously raging shark causing one of it's crew to fall into the water and get gobbled up!

Down below tensions are rising, stoat faced, rubber mouthed Harvey (Van Bilderbeek) the chubby 'cockernee'/Scots guy/Welsh mechanic is being very cowardly and shouting about not wanting to die whilst Vera is complaining about not being married. Vanessa Angel is standing about pouting, trying to maintain calm whilst a cat faced woman and a bearded scientist hum and ahh a lot in the background.

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"Cor bleedeen bliamany an' starn de
craws eet's ah rargeeng shoirk, boyo!"


On a sunny Bermudan beach a handful of holidaymakers are suddenly attacked by the sharks (this bares no relation to the rest of the movie and will not be returned to) in a frenzy of plastic snouts, rubber arms and cardboard fins whilst an offshore news crew find they've bitten off more than they can chew when one of the beasts appears to ram their boat and explode!

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Yes, the effects are really this shit.


Somewhere else a doctor is performing an autopsy on a shark and is surprised to discover some bright orange crystals inside it's tummy. Could this be related to the outbreak of shark rage? (umm...yes).

Back aboard Corbin's sub, Dr. Olsen is determined to make it back to his wife but is having trouble with a scary 'government investigator' that has been assigned to him. Cue many "You're not following standard procedure" and "My wife is over there Goddamit!" confrontations as the pair swim over to the base. The investigator stops to take photo's and is almost eaten only to be saved by Olsen, tho' I've no idea why.

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“Damn magnetic spikes!”


Everything is going to hell over at Oshona now that Vera has noticed the “Damn magnetic spikes!” on her computer screen and everyone has realised that 'the relay' is still broken. Vanessa is bugging Harvey to go repair it, using the argument that it's possibly a suicide mission so she doesn't want her hubbie to have to do the job.

Harvey, perfectly reasonably tells her where to go and storms off to get pissed whilst the other crew members tut at him for refusing to swim into certain death, leaving Olsen and some French guy (who's sons sixth birthday it is) to venture out in the mini-sub to the relay and put extra cash in the meter or something.

Can you guess who's going to die?

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Frenchman in mah mooth!


Everything seems to be going to plan when sharks attack the sub and kill Frenchie, leaving Olsen no choice but to get Captain Bernsen to fire a torpedo at his location, hopefully killing the (raging) sharks but leaving him unscathed. Back on Oshona tho' things have gotten even worse (if that's at all possible) when government guy reveals himself to be a 'black ops' bad man with insider knowledge of the orange crystals and shark rage.
You see, it appears that the alien bin was carrying special space fuel and now that the sharks have eaten some of it their intelligence has shot thru' the roof causing them to work as a team to protect it at any cost! (and no, I didn't see that one coming).

His mission is to salvage the bin and kill anyone who knows about it (which no-one did till he told them).

Will Olsen survive the torpedo blast and get back to rescue his wife and kill the bad man? Will Captain Corbin stop sweating and drinking coffee? Will the sharks eat Harvey when he tries to escape in (another) mini-sub whilst singing 'Blow The Man Down'? and will logic (and physics) be thrown to the wind at the movies climax when the force of the base imploding throws the survivors clear of the wreckage and up to the surface?


Notorious big animal and stock footage obsessed filmmaker Danny (Shark Attack 1-3, Octopus 1-2, Spiders, Alien Hunter....basically all the hits) Lerner delivers a genre classic almost matching his masterpiece Shark Attack 3.

The scripts bizarro mix of aliens, mad sharks and special forces action is a fairly straightforward romp only spoiled by plot holes so large that as the film approaches its climax you begin to think that the whole thing is about to collapse around the casts ears but Learners bullish determination pulls the whole thing off with aplomb.

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Paddington.

His choice of stock footage is almost as entertaining as the film itself; with cars and houses visible when the sea plane lands on the 'ocean' and deep sea shark attacks that show the creatures breaking thru' the waves to footage from his previous hits. Whilst it's nowhere near Raptor quality (famously cobbled together by Roger Corman from three existing films and re-employing key actors to reprise their roles) it does come close at some points.

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Headfuck.



In his ten year career spanning over seventy (!) movies, Lerner appears to have learned nothing about film making except that all you need is action, a big monster, a (kinda) famous face and a few explosions to guarantee a hit.

And who are we to argue with him?

In equal measures arse numbingly awful and a work of utmost genius, this is the kinda movie the zed grade was made for.