Friday, May 18, 2007

reasons to love cbeebies (part one)

Being a fan of top quality televisual programming in all it's forms I feel I should bring your attention to some of the unsung heroes on that greatest of all entertainment channels: the
genius that is CBeebies.
Broadcasting from 7.00 AM to 7.00 PM, 7 days a week and 365 days a year there is no greater depository of classic tee vee than this unique channel, from the almost Zardoz-esque In The Night Garden to the Gilbert & George inspired art terrorism of Doodle-Doo, all forms of culture and life are here and one of it's greatest presenters/stars is the oh so wonderful rinky dinky...

Pui-Fan Lee

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Admit it. You would....

Along with the omni-sexual Chris Jarvis, Pui was the first presenter to host CBeebies. With her tomboy trademark togs, sweet and sunny disposition and almost Argento style home haircut, Pui become the channel's first unofficial pin-up. But her talents isn't just for presenting, She also has has a wide and varied career encompassing both ends of the acting spectrum, from comedies like the Lenny Henry sitcom Chef! to the Channel Four shagathon (co-starring Micky Smith himself, Noel Clarke) Metrosexuality via kids favourite Dramarama and The Worst Witch. Her big movie break was as one of the detainees of the Thai prison, a role she brought a remarkable credibility to), in the chick flick Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.

Her most famous character role, however, must be as everyones favourite Teletubby, the adorable Po, in all 223 episodes of the smash hit cult show.

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...especially if she was dressed like this.

For those of you who don't know, Po is red, short, and has a circle on her head. She is the most popular of the Teletubbies, and her charm and innocence have yet to be twisted by the bitter betrayals and sexual tension which grip the other three. She communicates in a mix of Cantonese and Teletubbiespeak and loves playing on her scooter. Her hobbies include falling over and eating tubbie-toast and tubbie-custard.

Plus, being the only female Teletubbie, she's the only one you would go with if drunk.

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"Bibberly cheese!"

In her private life Pui has been romantically linked to co-star Chris (that dark horse) and disease ridden yoof 'comedian' and modern day dandy Russell Brand amongst others but is currently single.

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Wednesday, May 9, 2007

what a toon off.

Terror Toons (2002)
Dir: Joe Castro
Cast: Beverly Lynn, Lizzy Borden, Kerry Lui

In a quiet neighbourhood in 'anytown' USA, 'teenage' two sisters (who really look old enough to have their own place by now) have been left home alone by their parents (by home alone I mean in the house, not the hit movie which would have been better) played scarily enough by two men, the director being under the misapprehension that covering a guys face in flour makes them look female.

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"it is my manifest destiny to wear a dress on all seven continents"

Cindy receives a mysterious DVD in the mail from the Devil himself (as you do) and decides to watch it (she has a DVD player in her room? I only had a crappy Betamax!).
Candy is partying downstairs with her 'buddies' unaware that by watching the disc her sister has unintentionally unleashed the hordes of Hell (well, two of them) on Earth in the form of Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin.....If you think the Devil is bad, wait till you see the quality of the puppet makers he has working for him.
As the body count rises Cindy realises that she is the only one with the power to stop these evil cartoons from continuing their insane (ly average) murder spree. Can she save her friends?....or will everyone die? God knows they deserve it.

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Spank that monkey!

Aaaah, Joe Castro.
When his name appears on a video box in the capacity of 'director' you know you're in for a treat. The 'genius' behind such modern day classic as Legend of The Chupacabra, The Young, The Gay and The Restless and Jackhammer plus creator of the stunning effects for movies as wide ranging as Near Death, Blood Feast2 and Another Gay Movie certainly delivers the goods with this film. Unfortunately the goods are bashed, busted and well passed their sell by date.....Welcome to a world where mom's have five o'clock shadows and supposed 14 year old heroines have boob jobs and the greatest party game for teens at parties is 'strip Ouija'.....oh and the Devil is an old drunk with one horn bigger than the other.

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"Aye son!"

The 'acting' is non existent (during the extras one of the cast can't remember making the film and another tells how she can't remember lines so she just made dialogue up on the spot) and the effects consist of random animal puppets appearing from nowhere throughout the movie, when actual animated death scenes are called for we get this:

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Inside the mind of Glenn Michael.

and don't forget how when any of the female cast get bitten by the toons it always cuts to a monkey biting a man's shin. No matter what the actresses wearing we get the same shot......

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"aya! my BCG!"

Tho as a plus point, it does feature the best 'is this terror or is this my cum face?' acting ever to appear on celluloid.....

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"Put it in me!"

and what other movie can you think of that ends with a rat arsed Lucifer battling with a wanna be porn star playing a 15 year old dressed in a superhero 'costume' (consisting of some pimp shades, a teatowel cape, pink vest top and huge black granny pants)?

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"Meow!" probably.

If you make it that far the pay-off is divine....after killing the toons and defeating Satan the 'teens' are reprimanded by their returning parents for having a party in the house and trashing the place. Perhaps this is what really happened to 'Myspace' party girl Rachel Bell? The truth should be told.

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Toothsome real life 'Terror Toons' victim
Rachel Bell and a house yesterday.

Proof, if any were needed that horrific and sick films can affect impressionable teens. Who'd have guessed that Mary Whitehouse was right?

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

the power of christ impales you

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
Dir: Lee Demarbre
Cast: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Ian Driscoll, Jeff Moffet.

"If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope."

You'd think that from the title alone you'd know what to expect from this movie....but, oh no, there's much more to it than just(!) The Saviour battling the undead my friends.....are you ready for Mexican wrestling hero Santos?....clown faced vampire lesbians? and dance numbers?....Kung Fu action?.....punk priests and the shit scary guy in the bushes? (The latter is a wild-eyed hairy beast of a man with mad eyes who appears randomly throughout the movie to spout frightening insights into Christianity and quotes from The Bible).

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"Pull my finger true believer!"

Opening with the sultry Vamp Maxine Shreck (see what they did there?) viciously murdering a hold ups wearing, sensible shoed nurse to satisfy her blood lust (and then stealing her car), we discover that these Vampires are immune to sunlight and that they have evil plans in store for the lesbian population of Ottawa....Who can save them?
Groovy priests for hire Father's Eustace and Alban decide that this is a job for Jesus, so Alban sets off on a holy scooter to ask the Son of God for help.
They find him at the beach drinking lemonade, baptizing the faithful and comparing the Kingdom of God to building a sandcastle. But their pleas for help are interrupted by a three way vamp attack! The priests are killed by the evil Maxine, but not before Jesus has dispatched her two helpers. Maxine escapes, leaving Jesus no choice but to follow her to the city.....

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"I fang you."

Arriving in the city and setting up base in a room supplied by the church Jesus' first challenge comes not from the forces of darkness but from a van full of atheists intent on disproving the power of God. Suffice to say Jesus kicks their arses, afterwards deciding that to complete his holy quest he needs to get a haircut and piercings and, aided by the buxom scarlet cat suited Mary Magnum, picks up some cool new togs too.

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Jesus and Mary (buxomness not shown).

After chasing down Maxine and ex church goer turned vampire leader Johnny Golgotha to a seedy hospital they discover the blood suckers evil plan.....Nutty, boss eyed mad scientist Praetorious is grafting the skin from the slaughtered lesbians onto comatose vampires thus enabling them to become 'day walkers'. (He also smears bits of body parts onto his face while working, just so we know how mental he is).
Jesus and Mary give chase to Maxine and Johnny and a rooftop battle ensues resulting in Jesus getting beaten to a bloody pulp and Mary drained of her precious lifeblood by Maxine.

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Maxine and Mary (buxomness shown).

Jesus is left for dead in the streets....his pleas for help ignored by everyone passing, only a transvestite heeds his call....

The Transvestite: Jesus, honey, you're a mess!
Jesus Christ: [weakly] How... did you know... my name?

Jesus (with the help of the transvestite) recovers from his physical wounds but his spirit is broken. How can he go on? who can help him battle this evil?
In a run down diner God appears to him as a bowl of cherries to tell him that famed Mexican wrestler Santos is on his way to join the fight.....

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Jesus! Santos! Kickos! Assos!

Finally! A 'B' movie worthy of that accolade! A fantastic cast, a brilliant premise, a sharp script, cool songs and an all round sense of fun all add up to make this movie one of the best religous/vampire/lesbian/kung fu/Mexican wrestling movies ever (and trust me on this, I've seen a few).
Phil Caracas plays Jesus to perfection (similar in style to the way Adam West played Batman), straight laced but warm and funny with it. I go as far as to say he's the definitive screen Messiah. Special mention must also go to Jeff Moffet for his Oscar worthy portrayal of Santos, how Joaquin Phoenix can get the glory for Walk The Line whilst this guy is left in obscurity is beyond me. There is no justice in the world.
Beg, borrow or steal a copy of this movie and spread the gospel according to Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter:
The first testament says "an eye for an eye." - The second testament says "love thy neighbour." - The third testament ... Kicks Ass!!!