Wednesday, March 26, 2008

the satan pitch.

Greatest Doctor Who based news story of the year?

Could be!

A Trowbridge Christian who renounced the evil of Doctor Who in favour of his newly discovered religious beliefs is selling his entire collection on internet auction website eBay.

But he hasn't sold his story to the paper to drum up extra publicity and more cash.

Obviously.

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White: Sad and lonely man.



Balding and pot bellied Simon White, 47, became obsessed (and possibly possessed) by Doctor Who from a very early age and started collecting and building life-size models, finally sharing his home (but hopefully not his bed) with a full-size Dalek, two Cybermen and K-9.

The collection, which Mr White estimates is worth over £8.25, was built up over a number of years but is to be cast aside because of his religious beliefs.

Doctor Who and his materialistic obsession with it represents the "greatest lie that Satan ever told" said Mr White in his annoyingly nasally voice before continuing "I loved it, it was my favourite, I'd spend hours cracking one off over pictures of Sophie Aldred till I realised how silly the idea of a man from he heavens who walks amongst us giving us lessons on life and fighting evil whilst possessing the power to be 'resurrected' upon death was childish. I mean who would believe such stuff?".

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Tennant: Satanic baby eater (allegedly).



He excitedly added, rubbing his sweating palms on his grease stained trousers (almost as if he'd hardly experience the company of anything other than his right hand): "I loved science fiction as a kid. It was the TARDIS that did it for me (in a non sexual way I hope). You could get in that box and go anywhere. I started collecting Doctor Who stuff starting with the Dalek, which I got from an old exhibitionist in Brighton whilst me and a 'friend' spent two years making the TARDIS. It was then I discovered that the series had possessed me, the voices started telling me to kill whores and bury the bodies in Cromer. I couldn't stop myself...I made a model of K-9, then a full size Cyberman with authentic parts".

Authentic parts? What? cybernetic implants and the bodies of old tramps?

Sick fuck.

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Aldred: pleasures of the palm.



"I had to retire early from my job as a nurse at the Royal United Hospital in Bath because I was caught attempting to graft extra hearts onto the old folk. I turned to drink and constant masturbation before becoming an alcoholic (no doubt to give him something to do with the other hand).

The Doctor Who obsession was the only thing that kept me going.

It was as if it was controlling my thoughts and movements a wee bit like The Ood in that story The Satan Pit.

I couldn't have given it up even if you'd have put a gun to my head."

Or a Dalek plunger up his arse perhaps?

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A Dalek prepares to devour some
children's souls yesterday.




Luckily Mr Smith discovered Christianity and has renounced his old life, feeling it more realistic to blindly hate homosexuals and their ilk rather than fictional characters such as the potato headed Sontarans and is putting his whole collection up for sale in local trade magazines and on eBay.

He said: "God delivered me from the evil that is Doctor Who, materialism, masturbation, fisting and alcoholism.

Through my relationship with Jesus I saw that none of this was making me happy and I was born again like Lazarus, or maybe the Master in Utopia.

It's a timely tale as we come up to Easter, the story of Jesus I mean not Earthshock and I wanted to loudly bore others by harping on about how no matter what trouble you are in God can deliver you from the evil.

Can he?
Tell that to the hundreds of innocents dead in the numerous war zones across the planet.

"If you are prepared to have a relationship with him then God can help".

Surely that's a bit like an old man saying "make smoke come out of my magic pipe and I'll give you five pounds"?

Sounds well suspect if you ask me.

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The Doctor in the olden days shortly before he
betrayed Jesus, causing him to be
nailed to two planks of wood. Bastard.




"I have been resurrected. My old life is dead, my new life is alive."

Fair enough, now can you fuck off and stop annoying us normal folk with your frankly tragic little life you sad, sad man.

If you are interested in buying the Doctor Who figures (or feel like ripping the piss out of Mr. White because honestly he's fair game) contact the Wiltshire Times & Chippenham News on (01225) 773643 or email their website.


Saturday, March 22, 2008

happy easter readers!

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Friday, March 21, 2008

misheard movie titles?

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

as i always suspected....


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So now you know.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

tagged!

Like some wee 14 year old Ned/Chav bitch caught by the polis and sentenced to stay at home I've started to tag the Arena (finally) so it should be easier to find stuff.

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Scum.




But with tags like nekkid, Barrowman and dwarves it may not be.....it's work in progress so forgive any hiccups.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

philippines phinest phemale phighters.....

.....of the super heroine kind.

It's amazing what you come across when you're not looking....Been desperately searching the world wide intraweb for a copy of Electrika Kasi- the surprise Filipino Sci-Fi hit of 1977.

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The movie which stars the gravity defying, ample thighed Trixia Gomez in the title role has a really nice poster reminiscent (in my deranged mind anyhow) of DC'S 80's crossover classic Crisis on Infinite Earths so I was intrigued to see it.

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Unfortunately my search for Electrika came to nothing, but I did discover that someone had actually made a film version of that other great Filipino comic character, ZsaZsa Zaturnnah's adventures.

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For those of you unfamiliar with ZsaZsa Zaturnnah the background goes something like this:

Ada, a gay stylist and beauty salon owner in a rural province somewhere in the Philippines finds their life transformed when a mysterious melon-sized stone falls from space and lands in his bath.

Examining the stone, Ada discovers that he can use its unique powers to transform himself into a large breasted Amazonian redhead, whom he calls ZsaZsa.

How fantastic does that sound? Chuck in a few midgets and it could be the greatest movie ever!

Check out the trailer and judge for yourself:



Ladies and gentlemen, the search is on.....

Monday, March 10, 2008

(half) wit and wisdom (teeth).

What's Good for the Goose (AKA Girl Trouble, What's Good for the Gander, 1969)
Dir: Menahem Golan
Cast: Norman Wisdom, Sally Geeson, Sarah Atkinson, Sally Bazely, Terence Alexander.

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Norm gets a gobble.





When I was a small boy most of my weekends were spent sleeping over at my grandparents with Saturday nights consisting of sitting up late with my granddad on the sofa watching the black and white Universal horror double bill on BBC 2 whilst sipping hot chocolate.

Ahhhh those days were fab!

It was one of those weekend afternoons that I first came across this movie, my nan, being a Norman Wisdom fan had decided to watch it (believe it or not she's on first name terms with Brucie and, gulp, Max Bygraves-perhaps that's where my comedy genes come from-who knows). Sitting there playing with my Mego Star Trek figures behind the sofa I was dragged kicking and screaming into a world of swinging, drugs and a comedy legends saggy arse.

So, when I stumbled across this gem on DVD I knew I had to face my fears....

This is my survivors story.

Short arsed, slack haired merchant banker Timothy Bartlett (Wisdom) finds his life in a deep dark rut, he hates his job, his busy (and busty) wife Margaret (Sally Bazely) ignores him and he feels his life has passed him by.

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Insert cock here.




All that changes tho' when his boss is taken ill leaving Timothy as the only person that can take his place at a high powered seaside conference for important banking types.

Driving down to Southport (or is it up?), Timbo gives a lift to a couple of girlie hitch-hikers, the raven haired, button nosed Nikki (top 60's strumpet Geeson) and her best friend Meg (the not as strumpety, more mumsy Atkinson).

The girls take pity on Tim, seeing him as a wild spirit that needs set free, so decide to introduce him to the way out 1960's psychedelic world of groovy discotheques, dodgy drugs, free love, top pop combo The Pretty Things (man) and (for the love of God no) skinny dipping.

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Geeson: You would, twice. Even tho' you may be
thinking of her sister in Inseminoid.




Timothy finds his true self and experiences joys and passions he'd never imagined before...but everything starts to go wrong when he finds himself falling in love with Nikki.

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Geeson attempts open heart surgery
on Sir Norm.




I always reckon that if it's your dream to make a serious film about human relationships, mid-life fears and one mans breakdown you could do worse than watch this movie for inspiration.

I mean, when you think of films like Love Story, Kramer vs. Kramer and Sophie Choice you have to admit that the one thing they all lack (and it's one thing that makes them lesser movies) is a barrage of jokes so awful even Talbot Rothwell would baulk at the thought of using them and a sweaty comedy star mugging their way thru' the lead role.

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Wisdom: Nipples like bullets.



If there's ever a point in time where the British film industry began to collapse in on itself it's with the release of this movie. From here on in Holiday on the Buses, Carry On Emanuelle and Cannon and Ball's The Boys in Blue beckon...

Wisdom must take the majority of the blame tho' seeing as not only does he headline but he co-wrote and produced what appears to be nothing more than an excuse for him to get his kit off, smoke crack and fondle young ladies breasts for our viewing pleasures. It's like an ITV sitcom version of The Bad Lieutenant but one where it's the audience violated rather than a nun.

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How long before Photobucket
pull Sir Normans Arse?



The weirdest thing about the film tho' must be seeing Menahem Golan actually directing a movie rather than producing cut price shite and using the majority of the investors cash to run guns into world trouble spots (strange but true).

Golan who later went on to form Cannon Films, makers of such classics as Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and Tobe Hooper's Invaders from Mars remake (plus bankrolling most of his 80's output-says a lot really) has the directing style of a low rent Richard (Hard Days Night, the other Superman II) Lester but without any of that that directors deft comedy touch, relying on hand cranked comedy chases, Sally Geeson's (undoubtedly nice I'll grant you) breasts and groovy (if it were 1966) crash zoom cum lava lamp effects.


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That's your mum that is.



Even by the worst 60's 'yoof' film standards the characters are mere cyphers. Nikki and Meg are feeble cardboard cut out wank fantasies for podgy, middle age men everywhere (I'm just surprised that they don't shag each other during the film seeing as that's the only free love cliche missing) and their characterizations consist of thus:

Nikki: cute, dark hair, sometimes pigtailed, smokes pot, sleeps under piers, shags men.

Meg: Blonde, leggy, smokes pot, sleeps under piers, shags men.

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Some 60's swingers yesterday.


Sally Bazely as Norman's wife fairs no better, veering wildly from frigid ice queen to overly affectionate MILF without rhyme nor reason. Her character is just there and never changes throughout the entire movie; after all the drugs and shagging she turns up for the films final third when the 'plot' takes on a bizarre twist revolving around Timothy's attempts to persuade his wife to stop wearing curlers and flouncy 'baby doll' nighties to bed and maybe dress a wee bit more like a tart.... She never even finds out about his affair.

Just when you think the film is going to say something deep or reflect on Wisdom's characters predicament someone drops their trousers or falls over.


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"Fist in mah mooth".



It's bizarre to think that after the burlesque joy of The Night They Raided Minsky's that Sir Norm decided to make a lowbrow poverty row sex comedy for no reason it seems other than to take advantage of the UK's newly-relaxed cinema censorship laws and to give himself a chance to ogle some young, firm tottie.

Nice work if you can get it tho'.

Luckily (for him) Wisdom's Dementia means he's now likely to have forgotten ever making this debacle tho' for the rest of us it will remain burned onto our memories forever.



toys i still have...

....boxed in my cupboard.

The MB Games (Milton and Bradley) Starbird set.

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The Starbird Intruder and Interceptor can be used in conjunction with one another for a kinda retro style 'laser tag' game! Just the thing for when the podlings are in bed.

the dark knight unmasked!

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Thursday, March 6, 2008

when science goes bad.

another of those ker-razee Italian horror comics for your reading pleasure.....

This time prepare to fill your trousers at....Terror Blu!!


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Somewhere in sunny Norway an ample thighed
maiden in woolly stockings suddenly finds herself hurtling skywards....



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A friendly copper tries to bring her down to earth
with a handy boathook but the sight of her ample
bouncing buttocks is enough to spoil his aim...




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The unfortunate girl ends up floating off into
space to face a cold and lonely death.



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Suddenly the whole of Norway is suffering gravity problems
with young and old either floating off into the
stratosphere or being crushed like grapes.



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The reason for all this mad science?
A bored and frisky octopus has stumbled across an old
gravity defying machine at the
bottom of the sea.




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This diabolical machine was invented by a mental Nazi scientist called
Eric Von Baldrach, and our dynamic duo (and stories heroes)
Jorge and Hilse are searching for it.
They happen across not only a portable version of the device
but Von Baldrach's diary, explaining how he and his
lover would use it for kinky sex games.
Hilse decides to give it a shot!



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Gadzooks!
She's really an evil neo-Nazi hellbent on creating a
new world order of bizarre gravity and stuff so she crushes
Jorge's head before disappearing with the weapon.

Earth is doomed.

The End.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

top tennant.

Well I know what Cassidy is getting for his birthday.....

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Well that and SS Experiment Camp of course.

barmy brazier.

For your enjoyment his bill to tackle video violence can be found in full here.

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"How many killings?"




Don't forget to leave a message and tell him who sent you.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

mum's the word.

A little something to celebrate Mothers Day, the top ten movie mums.

Enjoy!

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10. Sarah Connor (The Terminator).


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9. Mrs. Bates (Psycho).


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8. The Mother of Sighs (Suspiria).


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7. The Alien Queen (Aliens).


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6. Joan Crawford (as portrayed by Faye
Dunaway in Mommie Dearest).



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5. Beverly R. Sutphin (Serial Mom).


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4. Marge Simpson (The Simpsons Movie)


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3. Marietta Fortune (Wild at Heart).


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2. Peg Boggs (Edward Scissorhands).


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1. Pamela Voorhees (Friday the 13th).

chinned.

Good news for film fans! Freakishly faced Tory rat boy Julian Brazier's plan curb the release of 'explicit films and games' has been opposed!

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Brazier: rodent
like control freak.


Barmy Brazier's private member's bill failed when the debate ran out of time as he ranted and drooled like the controlling loon that he is.

He demanded more of a say over the BBFC's membership and guidelines, which he argued had been "progressively liberalised" and also wanted a change to the system that currently only allows appeals against BBFC classifications, or decisions to cut footage, by the entertainment industry, citing "The growth in violent offences is linked to the growing availability in the media of extremely violent and explicitly sexual material."

His evidence? a 'borrowed' copy of the 1976 snoozefest SS Experiment Camp.

No surprise that he was supported by Labour MP's Keith (where's the sick child for a photo opportunity?) Vaz and Stephen Pound, who uttered the classic quote that "the sanctity of life becomes diluted" with regard to violent films.


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A violent film like those mentioned.




Judi Dench-alike Culture Minister Margaret Hodge said the government had responded to concerns by asking beautiful boffin (and Unwell pin-up) Dr Tanya Byron to review whether more regulation to protect children was needed - due to report back next month.

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Hodge: dirty pillows (probably).



Urging MPs to await that report she said legislation would not be effective on its own. Parents, internet service providers and others would also have to take responsibility. She was still speaking as time ran out at 1430 GMT and the bill now stands no chance of becoming law.

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Meow.


It's bad news for Gunnar Hansen fans tho' as late on Friday, the BBFC rejected his new film Murder Set Pieces amid concerns about it's violent sexual scenes - the ruling means it cannot be legally supplied anywhere in the UK but can be found here for free.

God I love the internet.

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