Tuesday, December 27, 2016

carrie on regardless.

A quick tribute to everyones favorite Princess.

Fucking gutted here.
























 








Monday, December 19, 2016

french letter.

Never gotten around to seeing this beauty till recently (well last night if I'm honest) and had to share seeing as it's probably the greatest cardboard Concorde based action thriller ever made.

By the director of Cannibal Holocaust that is.

And if nothing else it's most definitely the cheapest.

Enjoy.
 
Concorde Affaire '79 (AKA Affare Concorde, SOS Concorde. 1979).
Dir: 'Roger' Deodato.....Hmmmm could be a pseudonym.
Cast:  James Franciscus, Mimsy Farmer, Venantino Venantini, Fiamma Maglione,
Edmund Purdom, Mag Fleming, Joseph Cotten, Ottaviano Dell'Acqua, Robert Kerman, Renzo Marignano, Francisco Charles and Van 'Damage' Johnson.





Whilst on an exciting test flight over the director's swimming pool, Air France Concorde 820 (or a hastily constructed cardboard facsimile of it) is mysteriously sabotaged causing it to crash land in the ocean just off the coast of Martinique.

Which for anyone interested is an insular region of France located in the Lesser Antilles in the eastern Caribbean Sea.

And more importantly a really cheap place to shoot a movie.

Ask Joe D'Amato if you don't believe me.

Tho' if you do you'd need the help of a spiritualist seeing as he's been dead for 17 years.

Someone who's not dead tho' is bush haired air hostess Jean Beneyton (the frisky Farmer from such classics as Four Flies On Grey Velvet, The Perfume of the Lady in Black and Autopsy) who, as luck would have it was thrown clear of the plane as it crashed and has been surviving the cruel sea by holding onto a tinfoil covered French loaf.

Rescued by two fishermen (including Dakar from Zombie Flesh Eaters who must have come free with the boat hire) her situation manages to go from bad to worse when a sexy speedboat appears and kills the poor fishing folk before taking Jean hostage.

The swines.

Meanwhile in 'downtown' New York City (every 80's Italian movie has to have at least 20 minutes shot - usually without permits - in The 'Big' Apple in order to convince us all that we're watching a big budget blockbuster) mahogany skinned investigative reporter, Moses Brody (Franciscus from Cat O'Nine Tails, Beneath The Planet Of The Apes and the Betty Ford Clinic) has just received a worried phone call from his horse faced ex-wife Nicole (Maglione, best known as Mr. Desmond's Secretary in Nightmare City), kaftan sporting owner of Kidman's restaurant the best place to eat fresh lobster in the whole of Martinique.

This isn't that important to the plot but I enjoy painting a mental image for the audience.

Especially seeing as the director appears to have forgotten that it should be his job.

Anyway it seems that Nicole has a lead on an important story and needs Moses to fly out to Martinique as soon as.

With a window in his schedule and a whorish girlfriend hinting that she's pregnant (this plot point will never be returned to) Moses packs his patented Action Slacks alongside his favourite nipple revealing polyester shirt and heads off to Martinique.

"Hello French Polishers? You might just be able to save my career!"



Upon arrival tho' Brody is devastated to learn that Nicole has died suddenly from an apparent heart attack.

It says a lot for the local police force and their investigation techniques that Brody is literally taken from the restaurant to the morgue and just shown her dead body, no ID checks or anything like that - it's lucky that the body was his ex-wife I mean it could have been anyone.

Saying that tho' I'm not really that au fait on the customs of the Lesser Antilles (to be honest the only Antilles I care about is Wedge) so maybe it's a tradition that all newly arrived tourists are taken the local morgue to see a corpse.

Answers to the usual email address please.

Brody being, well a lush basically, decides to deal with her death by getting blind drunk.

He's blissfully unaware tho' that he's being followed by a grubby looking gang led by a tussle haired American in obscene sports shorts.

Wandering around the town centre in a daze Brody is suddenly attacked by the aforementioned gang of thugs (they're probably eager for some tight American manass) but is rescued from certain death - and a vicious buggering - by a porn 'tashed local fisherman named George (Super Witch of Love Island's Charles).

Waking up on Charles' trawler with his trousers on backwards Brody discovers that our droopy 'tashed tinker was a good friend of Nicole and that he reckons she was killed because she'd discovered that the missing Concorde had crash landed on a nearby reef.

The pair decide to investigate.

Meanwhile in a broom cupboard somewhere in an office block near the producers house, evil business bloke Raymond Milland (ex circus boss and Italian movie stalwart Cotten) and his business partner Jeff Danker (genre God Purdom) are rubbing their hands together with glee (or it may be the cold) at the thought of being the ones that downed the Concorde.

It appears that Milland runs a company that specializes in producing those little pillows you get on long haul flights but with Concorde being so fast the demand for them will drop bankrupting the company.

To this end the pair have employed the hairy armed Forysthe (Venantini from oh loads of stuff) alongside his previously mentioned tight-bunned assistant John (Dell'Acquam stuntman on everything from Zombi 3 to Quantum of Solace - no seriously) to cover up any evidence involved with the crash.

Even if it involves murder.

Which by this point it does.

Obviously.

Water in mah mooth!



Heading out to sea the next day Brody and George are surprised to see poor old  Jean launch herself off Forysthe's boat and attempt to swim towards them spluttering something about Concorde's and crashes before being dragged back onboard.

Any worries they have concerning her safety are quickly alleviated when one of  Forysthe's crew explains that she's a wee bit mental due to having her womans period.

With a noncommittal shrug our heroic duo continue out to sea.

Arriving at the - alleged -  crash site the pair don scuba gear and dive into the water where they almost instantly come across the downed Concorde (well a paper model of one filmed thru' a fishtank) resting on a coral reef.

Forcing his way into a broken door Brody goes inside the wreck only for the buckled metal opening to slam shut trapping George's (wanking) hand.

It never rains.

Unaware of the potential disaster happening just outside Brody continues to explore the wreck only to find a shark lying (floating?) in wait - seriously is there anything this movie doesn't have? - so decides to head back to the surface to formulate a new plan.

Approaching the exit Brody notices George's predicament so swimmings out thru' a handy hole in the planes fuselage he valiantly attempts to tug George free.

With only oooh an hour or so's worth of oxygen left Brody has the choice of heading to the surface and fetching a crowbar or hastily cutting of George's arm with a rusty penknife.

Guess which plan he plumbs for.

Dragging his stricken comrade to the surface Brody is surprised - tho' not as surprised as George is - when a boatful of henchman fire on the pair hitting George in his face which explodes in a sea of blood.

How's your luck?

Brody is forced to dive below as two scuba-divers give chase.

Imagine Thunderball but re-shot in a council swimming pool by blind, hook-handed children.

You're welcome.

"Excuse me I have my woman's period!"


Brody - being the hero - outwits the pair by hiding in an underwater cave before returning to the surface and and tossing John off (the boat), stealing it them jetting away.

Phew.

Heading to the United States Consul demands an investigation.

Or at least a shifty handjob from the ferret-like ambassador only to be told that they all know about his reputation for making up stories and that he should fuck off.

Which is nice if a little extreme.

Dancing provocatively for the embassy staff Brody manages to persuade them to mount a search for the plane only to find no sign of it upon returning to the site.

True there seems to be the remains of an explosion but the two couldn't be related could they?

Well the local authorities don't seem to care so why should we?

Perry Como impresses Johnny Cash by balancing a childs toy phone on his penis.


Meanwhile back at the subplot, Milland and his men are busy watching a video his grandson has made of a toy airplane sinking in a bath.

No hang on it's actually meant to be a video of the submerged Concorde being blow-up by a group of scuba-divers.

Tho' never having seen a multi-million pound plane explode underwater who am I to say that the footage isn't frighteningly realistic?

But then again I have eyes.

Their fun is short lived tho' as a sweaty subordinate soon arrives to spoil the day with some disturbing news.

Turns out that Jean is being held for a $1 million ransom by some badmen intent on squeezing a few quid out of Milland and Co.

But we all knew that anyway.

Bizarrely enough she's being held by the very same folk that Milland has hired to blow up the Concorde and kill any witnesses so it's not as if he doesn't know who - and where - she's being held so surely he could just get some other folk to kill the guys double-crossing him?

No?

Oh well it's obviously easier to pay the ransom and be seen as a push-over rather than violently deal with Forsythe and his pals therefore meaning that anyone else would think twice about crossing you in future?

Just a thought.

Anyway there's precious little time to think about such trivia as yet another Air France Concorde is preparing to fly from Venezuela to London.

Well actually it's the crew preparing for the journey, it's not some kind of sentient Transformers style robot plane.

Tho' at this point no plot twist would be too far-fetched.

Thinking about it any plot twist would be appreciated.

Or just a half decent plot in general.


Dollar: The porn years.

Later that evening, Brody - clad only in the briefest pair of pants ever seen on the cinema screen - sneaks on board Forsythe's boat where he overhears the crew not only planning to do away with poor Jean but also how they're planning to sabotage the other Concorde.

Scoundrels.

Being the designated hero Brody rescues Jean and the pair steal a speedboat and zoom away toward dry land where they hitch a ride to the embassy building from a local banana seller.

But Forsythe is soon in hot pursuit, determined to kill the dynamic duo before they can alert the authorities of the danger to Concorde.

As in the plane not the market famous for selling knock-off trainers in my home town of Sedgley.

Cos it's obviously not the one in Brierley Hill seeing as that shut in 2013.

The planes on that sigh are heading for an almighty crash.


On board the aforementioned Flight 128, Captain Barry Scott (famed Hollywood television actor, dancer and closet homosexualist Johnson) is shocked to find the plane suddenly losing power, tho' it's more shocking that the production team thought that anyone would be fooled into thinking that the cockpit of Concorde is the size and shape of a small cupboard.

Turns out that just like previously, an evil henchman has sneakily popped vials of acid in the microwavable chicken which when heated leaks out of the ovens and fuses the planes electrical cables.

So there you go.

With the plane losing more and more power and Brody and Jean surrounded by Forsythe and his men things are looking grim for the passengers of Flight 128.

And not even the soon to be star of Cannibal Holocaust Robert Kerman who's just turned up as a frightfully British air traffic controller appears to have any idea how to save them.

Or any idea of what he's doing there if I'm honest, other than as a favour to the director obviously.

Will Brody make it to the consulate before it's too late?

Will Concorde crash into the ocean?

Will I ever learn not to spend my Friday nights watching utter shite?




Made no doubt to cash in on the upcoming Airport '79: The Concorde (the fourth and final installment of the Airport franchise) and shot prior to his mockumentary masterpiece Cannibal Holocaust, Ruggero (or Roger as he's known here) Deodato's The Concorde Affair is a bizarre hodge-podge of sub-Bondian bad guys, package holiday globe-trotting and threadbare effects held together (barely) by the genuine charm of James Franciscus.

Tho' it may be the effect of all the duty-free he consumed during the shoot.

Who knows?

Obviously he wasn't as drunk as screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi was when he started to write the plot tho', it's all over the place - at one point espionage thriller and at another it's a disaster movie before randomly throwing in shark attacks and kidnapping subplots whilst screen legends Edmund Purdom and Joseph Cotten appear every few minutes in scenes that play like a community centre version of Dallas.

Of the other cast members of this brain-melting ball of half-baked confusion and coincidences, the yumsome Mimsy Farmer is criminally underused (and overdressed) as Jean, forced into an oversized mans shirt whilst crying and muttering to herself leaving the aforementioned Franciscus to carry the whole movie, tho' to be honest he just seems to be enjoying the paid holiday.

And you can't really blame him.

On a more bizarre note it's strange yet somehow entertaining to see a star of the golden era of Hollywood - in this case Van Johnson (best known - to me anyway - as The Minstrel in the Batman TeeVee show) reduced to sitting in an office chair sweating at a wooden board with broken clocks stuck to it, vainly attempting to convince us it's an airplane cockpit as ex-porn god and future Cannibal Holocaust star Kerman (dubbed it seems by Damon Albarn) stands about in an horrific shirt swearing at people.

And all to a brilliant Stelvio Cipriani's score.

True it's practically the same score as he used in Tentacles and What Have They Done to Your Daughters? but it's still a good one.

"Is it in yet?"

Veering wildly from genius to madness between - and sometimes in the middle of - scenes Concorde Affaire may be ludicrously loopy, unimaginably insane and cheaper than your mum but still has a kind of feckless charm sadly missing from modern day blockbusters.

Plus it's a damn sight more entertaining than the David Lowell Rich movie it's ripping off.

Sorry, paying homage to.

Plus I'd rather see a nearly naked James Franciscus dodging bullets on a speedboat over George Kennedy’s cum face any day.


Wednesday, December 14, 2016

skywalker sounds.


Celebrate the release of Rogue One with a Sith-tastic seventy minute mix of Star Wars inspired sounds for your dancing pleasure.

 Download here.














Caution: may contain Gungans.


Wednesday, December 7, 2016

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 65).

She's the regal redhead of rebellion and everyone's favourite Force following filly, Genevieve O'Reilly as Mon Mothma in Star Wars Episode III Revenge Of The Sith and Star Wars Rogue One.









Sunday, December 4, 2016

rouge one.

A posh 'n' pouty Brit-chick leads a ragtag group of mismatched space warriors against an evil galactic Empire complete with planet devastating super weapon?

Oh Felicity, you fill me with electricity...

 Sounds familiar.

Starcrash (AKA The Adventures of Stella Star, Female Space Invaders, Scontri stellari oltre la terza dimensione, Star Battle Encounters 1979)
Dir: Luigi Cozzi.
Cast: The lovely Caroline Munro, David Hasselhoff, Dame Christopher Plummer, Judd Hamilton, Joe Spinell, Robert Tessier, Nadia Cassini and Mr. Marjoe Gortner.


"By sunset I'll be the new emperor. And I'll be the master of the whole universe!"



Somewhere in the Crayola hued reaches of deepest space and sometime in the far flung, leather-clad future a huge space cruiser constructed entirely from primary coloured Lego bricks is searching for the evil Count Zarth An's (the legendary Spinell) secret base. 

The search is going well, perhaps too well or just as the crew pinpoint Zarths lair the ship is attacked by a giant red lava lamp that strikes with such ferocity that the captain can only manage to launch three (yogurt pot)  lifeboats before the it's totally destroyed.


Yikes.


Meanwhile just up the road (take a left on Warp Drive and straight thru' the roundabout), sexy space smuggler Stella Star (every man's fantasy Munro) and her gerbil faced navigator Akton ('B'-movie god and once the world's youngest ordained preacher, Gortner) are in the middle of an exciting space chase, being, as they are, pursued across the cosmos by Space Police's finest, officer Jeff Thor (shiny pated teevee and film stalwart Tessier) and the cock headed robot Elle (ex Mr. Munro and moustachioed movie producer Hamilton).

Their crime?

A trumped up charge of copyright infringement. 

"Thor? I'm in thucking agony!"




Leaping in and out of hyperspace like bed hopping lemmings, Stella is about to evade Thor for good when she picks up a distress signal emanating from one of the escape pods from the previous scene and being an all round good egg, Stella decides to sexily (and seductively) spacewalk across to the pod to check for survivors.

From the battle that is, not the 1970's Terry Nation scripted, Ian McCulloch starring TeeVee show.




Aboard is a lone astronaut, his mind irreversibly damaged by the pound shop lava lamp/lens flare thingy and his body left limp and lifeless.

And covered in a thin layer of egg and sweat.

Just as our heroes are deciding whether to leave him be or nick his wallet Thor's top gun fighter squad surround their ship leaving luscious Stella trapped.

Roughly grabbed by the filth our pneumatic nymph is taken into custody.


Oh no....it's the Ninkey Nonk!"


Left for hours in a stinky cell without fresh running water, clean bedding or even a knock-off  freeview box, Stella is finally led to the mysterious 'space court' (which appears to be run by the monster from the 1956 version of Invaders from Mars) and quickly charged with smuggling, dangerous driving and the use of a body double in the Hammer hit Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter.


The latter a crime so great (seeing as it meant that many young boys in the early 80's where tricked into firing their virgin load over some unknown actress rather than Munro herself) that the only sentence that could possibly come close is life imprisonment in the Chuckle Brothers Lemonade mines, wearing nothing but a skimpy black leather bikini whilst carrying glowing radium rods to power the nuclear furnace whilst sweating 

A lot.


Tell me again why this movie is popular among 14 yr old boys?


 


Within minutes of arriving at her new home Stella quickly becomes bored with lugging all those highly dangerous radioactive isotopes about whilst provocatively showing her ample cleavage so decides to incite a prison riot and escape.

Everything goes according to plan (shit explodes, Stella jiggles a wee bit, leather-clad extras fall over - you know the drill) but just as she's about to steal a prison ship and rocket to freedom would you believe that a gigantic gold winged dildo lands directly in front of her.

A dildo piloted by the glam-rock robed Emperor of all space himself (Plummer, caked in eyeliner, pissed as an old Jake, stinking of shame and obviously desperate to pay off his ex-wife, poor sod) the exalted Lord Toby Groom.

But why is the galaxies most powerful man bumming around in a huge sex toy stalking a fetish geared British actress you may ask.




Well, it appears that Emperor Groom's only son, Simon was serving aboard the
Lego space cruiser when it went down and he is willing to grant Stella and her pal a pardon for their smuggling racket (and for blowing up the prison killing God knows how many guards) if they can find and safely return him to his oh so worried dad.

The only thing he insists on is that Thor and Elle accompany them on their mission.

Will Stella accept? 


Hell yeah!


Spot the ball.


Using a data extract from the recovered space pod - and the saliva of the by now dribbly
vegetable like survivor - Stella (within minutes I mean c'mon it's a fairly short movie) discovers the crash site of not only the two remaining space pods but also the lost spaceship itself. 

Result.

First stop.....planet of the bareback riding Amazon women!

Or more accurately the beach
of the bareback riding Amazon women.

Oh well at least it wasn't a quarry.

Upon arrival Stella and co. are greeted by a group of benign female warriors who escort our merry band to the Amazon Palace for tea and biscuits with their queen, the clap riddled yet still strangely attractive Corelia Frostrup (a fantastic performance from the dirty as fuck and curvy of arsed pop princess Cassini, best known for that sensational Euro-hit A chi la do stasera).

Everything is going swimmingly until about halfway thru' the second packet of custard creams when a tipsy Corelia realizes that she's encountered the erstwhile Elle before.

Yup he once gave her a full body cavity search after pulling her over for speeding.


The dirty domed pervert.

Been a woman and obviously not prone to overreacting, our quaint queen pal decides to simply shoot Elle in the face before taking Stella prisoner.

Cue twelve tissues worth of slo-mo girl on girl karate action set to a lush John Barry score.


Boiled onions.



Stella fights - and jiggles - valiantly but is soon overpowered by the gorgeous group of sweaty, leather clad Amazons who drag our hot heroine over to the hideous 'mind bending machine' for a quick bout of brain draining disco torture.


After a few minutes of brightly lit grimacing and shapely leg wobbling Stella is rescued by a fully recovered Elle who appears from behind the fridge, subduing the angryAmazons with his penile like fingers and cock shaped head before grabbing Stella and making a break for freedom.

Huzzah!


After a halfhearted runaround across the golden sands of Tenby's major tourist beach, Stella and Elle are fairly shocked (and maybe a tiny bit surprised) to come across a giant she-robot (with huge shiny metal breasts and massive silver rivets for nipples) blocking their escape.

Luckily this allows them to take part in a high speed chase scene that would do Benny Hill proud before being rescued by Akton who, in a fantastic show of his impeccable navigating skills defeats the She-Bot.

Okay, he crashes into it and knocks it over.

Happy now?

Put it in me!


Thinking that the mission can't get any worse (or the movie any more comical) our heroes press on to planet number two, the chillily named Frozonian, a barren world covered by ice, snow and more ice. 


Drawing the short straw -  again - Stella and Elle venture out into the cold, polystyrene filled landscape and within minutes have stumbled across a couple of deep frozen bodies and a burnt out Fiat Uno.





Whilst all this is going on, Thor -  deciding to add a wee bit of much needed jeopardy to the movie has become a badman - violently bashing Akton on the head he then takes control of the ship. 


And your mums heart.

His cunning plan is to leave the dynamic duo on the planet's frozen surface and join forces with Count Zarth An.

To be honest we should of guessed Thor would turn out to be a traitor seeing that in the entire cast of fairly attractive actors, he's the only pug-faced, green skinned baldy amongst them.

Luckily for Stella, Elle also has a cunning plan (it's always worrying when the cock-headed robot is the brainiest member of the cast) and persuades Stella to lie on top of him in the snow as he uses his 'circuits' to keep her warm.


Would this ever work on a lady in real life? 

Write in and let me know.



Snow in mah mooth.



Whilst all this backstabbing and skulduggery is going on Thor seems to have forgotten about Akton, who awakes in the nick of time to zap Thor before opening the doors allowing a very stiff Elle and an even stiffer Stella back on board. 


As if that wasn't enough, it's only due to Akton's hitherto unmentioned 'special  skills'  that they're able to fully revive Stella without any - noticeable -damage. 

You see, Akton knew this would happen all along because he can see into the future!


Who knew?

Well he did obviously.


Scarily for a bubble permed second fiddle smuggler Akton has shit loads of useful (almost super) powers like this that only ever appear when the script calls for them.

I mean he can fire sine waves from his fingers, deflect death rays, thaw out bikini clad space chicks and wield a light saber.

You almost get the feeling that a movie about him and the novelty cockbot having amusing adventures would possibly have made more cash at the box office and that poor Stella was only added at the last minute to keep the dads (and teen boys) happy.

Tho' if Mr. Cozzi is reading this I do have a script in the works about that very subject and let's be honest, it can't be any worse than the ill-conceived  Starcrash sequel Escape from Galaxy 3.



Christopher Plummer: Camper than Jesus.



Anyway, back to the plot.


With Thor banged up in a cell our terrific trio carry on with the mission and head towards the mysterious 'planet number three', know in space circles as 'the most dangerous planet in the universe' and home of the previously (un)seen lens flare/lava lamp/shoddy effects beasts, which - unsurprisingly - violently attacks the ship in what we hope will be a nerve shredding action scene like no other. 

Unfortunately tho' it isn't seeing as the crew appear to just hide behind Akton's hair for protection whilst he quickly flies thru' the monsters and lands right next to the remaining pod.

Elle and Stella head out to investigate (again) and surprise, surprise
are attacked by the indigenous population, which this time is a hairy arsed group of gypsy-like cavemen determined to use Stella for 'entertainment' purposes.

As is the way by now, Elle is once again disabled (by the cavemen obviously not in a car sticker way) as Stella is dragged away by her hair.

Space tramp bum fun ahoy.

Or not.



You see just as the cavemen are about to have their wicked way with Stella, who should turn up but Prince Simon himself.

And played by the melted cheese chested Lord David of Hasselhoff no less.

Appearing from nowhere he starts shooting the hairy badmen with 'laser beams' from his glittery 'energy mask' (it's all techno-bollocks so try not to think to hard) before being joined by Akton and his (nothing like the ones in Star Wars) lightsaber.

The hunky heroes make short work of the weirdy beardies and Simon, obviously hyped up on all this killing decides to destroy Zarth An's lava lamp monster making machine too.

But just as he prepares to strike, the evil Count (boo! hiss!) finally arrives, flanked by a squad of leather clad, gimp masked Italians and two sword fighting, bin headed stop-motion robots.



Five fingers never touched the sides.


Zarth explains that the whole rescue mission was a cunning plan to lure the Emperor to his secret base and blow him up.


Forever! 

The swine.

As with all good villains, after explaining his entire plan, Zarth leaves the two robots to guard the prisoners whilst he prepares for battle.

Do you think our heroes can escape and warn Captain Von Trapp?

Noticing that Prince Simon's hair is much curlier and more bouffant than his own and therefore easier to hide in, Akton decides to give his pals a chance to escape by challenging the robots to a duel, unfortunately he's badly matted onto the scene giving the stop-motion metal men an unfair advantage which ends up with Akton getting stabbed up the shitter and left for dead.


Hmmm....he obviously didn't see that coming.

Or did he?

Stella and Simon, making no attempt to aid their pal quickly escape in Zarth's space taxi but are too late to stop him beginning the countdown to destroy the planet.

Things are looking grim for our heroes as the clock ticks away.


But not as grim as it does for the audience.




Just as the countdown approaches zero (as is always the way) the Emperor appears from nowhere and decides to use his 'ray for stopping time', a handy little device that allows everyone to escape before the planet explodes.


Surely this would have been useful earlier?

I mean he could have stopped time as soon as Zarth's base was found.

Or maybe launch a ship and given him a kicking.

Or even stopped time as soon as he discovered his son's ship crashed.

At the very least you think he'd of used it when he was doing his Emperor exams.

Visiting his local Debenhams lingerie department perhaps?

The possibilities are endless.



 
Assuming that everyone died when the planet went boom, Zarth gets back to the everyday task of running his evil legion, busying himself by planning his next dastardly move.

Imagine his reaction then when from out of the blue a squadron of Imperial fighters appear in the heavens and proceed to drop big golden dildo shaped torpedoes thru' the massive bay windows of Zarth's base before spewing forth a gaggle of laser wielding soldiers dressed head to toe in Bacofoil.


Fair play to
Spinell for managing to look convincingly angry during this scene, if it were me I'd be on the floor pissing myself.




You can tell that we're rapidly approaching the movies climax as a massive sparkler and smoke bomb battle ensues between the gold boiler suited good guys and the rubberized fetish geared bad men as brightly coloured toy spaceships from the early learning centre zoom about outside shooting at each other in a battle to the death.





It comes as a wee bit of a shock to the Emperor (and to us) then when his crack troops are utterly defeated.


Arse.

Pausing for a few seconds in an attempt to showcase his considerably acting talents - whilst mourningy the loss of his favourite dance troupe, the Emperor comes up with an audacious plan. 

He proposes to use the 'Starcrash'.


Not you.



As impressive and complicated as this sounds, it actually just involves crashing some huge spaceship into the Count's space fortress.

Stella is the obvious choice for the mission.....but will it work?



And let's be honest here do we really care?




 

Made two years after the release of Star Wars, Shlock Meister supreme Luigi Cozzi's 'homage' makes up for all it's short comings (of which there are many) by having the fantastic idea of putting British movie Goddess Caroline Munro in a leather bikini with matching thigh boots and covering her in baby oil. 

This in itself is more than enough for 93 minutes of entertainment, everything else is a bonus.


And what of everything else? 

The model effects are fabulously inept, plus seeing as all the space ships appear to be made totally from the sprues from model kits (you know, the bits of plastic the parts come attached to) you and your friends can play spot the Airfix kit whilst admiring the dayglo painted backgrounds.

Space: 1999 Eagles, big truck wheels, X-Wings.....they're all here shoddily glued together to take part in a variety of disco coloured clunkily edited space battles just for you.



Paddington.



As for the acting on show, Marjoe Gortner is all amusing facial ticks and a hairstyle that gives him the look of an unholy cross between Syd Little and a large pubic bush (albeit one with tiny rodent like teeth), Christopher Plummer looks junked to the eyeballs and frankly horrified, clad as he is in silver foil, thigh boots and light blue eyeliner whilst big screen bad guy Joe Spinell sweats like Donald Trump in a girls dormitory whilst shouting the word "FOREVER!" at the end of every line.

And the human car crash that is the Hoff?

Less chubby, self important and considerably less pissed than normal, his mouth is constantly agape like a whoring goldfish ready to accommodate the next eager punter you can actually see him thinking "Fuck you Harrison Ford! this is how you do space acting!" and imagining a world of Starcrash sequels and Simon action figures.


It says a lot for him that the two stop motion robots have much more charisma - and a better range - than he does.

Tho' the giant lady robot's huge metal breasts are nothing compared to his ever expanding man ones.







As a bizarre aside, for years Starcrash was only available - in it's full 93 minute version - on home video in France which meant that to acquire it I had to have sex with a hairy pitted French girl named Mireille.


Twice.



Come to think of it I really should have waited.


Or at least gotten a pen pal.