Friday, June 29, 2007

seduction of the gullible.

The calm before the censorship storm?....BBC news brings a 'lively' debate on 'torture porn' (the new name for horror movies featuring "sadistic torture, mutilation and murder - often with women as the victims - are central to the plot".) Which is nice.

Tim Masters full article can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6238204.stm

but I figured it'd be more entertaining to take the piss (well at least I'm honest). Enjoy:

"The last three weeks alone has seen Vacancy, Captivity and Hostel: Part II playing in cinemas across the UK" an obviously terrified Tim writes.

"Hostel: Part II is the follow-up to Eli Roth's box office hit from early 2006 in which a group of male backpackers fall prey to a torture ring in Slovakia" (obviously this can't be one of the culprits as the main victims are men but there you go) "And a poster campaign for Captivity (one that was mistakenly used and actually pulled by the distributors, but that doesn't make good copy) was pulled earlier this year in the US after complaints about the graphic images featuring the film's lead Elisha Cuthbert" (the new one featuring her being buried alive with her breasts pushed towards the viewer is ok tho').

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The original poster pulled for being too violent or
just too cluttered and badly designed? you decide!



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The acceptable face (and breasts) of fear.


In an attempt to bring an experts opinion to the proceedings Master's quotes Mark Kermode's review of Captivity from Radio Five Live:

"It's a grotty, nasty, sleazy, infantile piece of dung" said the bequiffed skiffler. Lets be honest tho' if you're a 'proper' serious fan of the horror genre you just know that something like Captivity is going to be utter rot and the only folk that'll enjoy it are the ones like the really awful woman in pink that appeared on the Dawn of The Dead remake ads going "It's sooo much better than the original!" when you knew for a fact that she wouldn't know the Romero version if it came up behind her and took a chunk out of her ample arse.

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Kermode: sleazy
and infantile.


"Last year, another torture-flavoured film, Saw III, grabbed headlines after reports of punters fainting in the cinema".

But if you're gonna pay good money to see factory produced lowest common denominator bollocks like a Saw movie then fainting in the cinema is the least of your worries.

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The only way you'd get
me watching Saw III.

"A clever marketing ploy perhaps, or are these films really pushing the boundaries of violence and on-screen bloodshed?" pushing the boundaries of dumbing down films perhaps....

Masters then goes on to review the movies (worth reading for a laugh at least) before 'bumping into' top horror bod and Argentofile Alan (our mate John has shagged him) Jones (I never just happen to bump into him in the street after seeing a movie....why?)

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"Caught enjoying Vacancy? fined £300!"

"There is nothing new in this," he says. "People have been on stone slabs being tortured by people since Frankenstein."

"But is there a difference when the horror has no fantasy element?" Asks a somewhat confused Tim because obviously 'horror without a fantasy element' is something like Schindler's List or The Killing Fields but seeing as they're 'proper' films they don't count.

"That's the problem - most people can write off the Hammer movies because they can be explained away as fairytales" answers Jones. "But with Hostel it's dealing with what people don't really want to address. And that is that the guy who's standing next to you in the supermarket queue could be a serial killer. Not just somebody who is obviously evil." He adds before running home to check for The Third Mother updates: "People like Eli Roth remember the first time they went to see a horror film and how much it shocked them, and they want to replicate that for today's audiences."

I can see this running and running......at least till the 'moral majority' find another scapegoat for societies ills. Surprisingly tho' John Beyer, head of Mediawatch and self appointed moral guardian of Britain has been conspicuous by his absence during this debate. He's no doubt too busy with his good Christian pursuits like outing gay police officers and sending threatening letters to BBC employees after the Jerry Springer Opera contraversy. Probably.

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Beyer: Self righteous arse.




Thursday, June 28, 2007

spicy nik naks

I couldn't let the most important (entertainment) news story of the year pass without a mention (a pity I know but there you go) but it's come as a bit of a shock that top pre-packaged pop princesses The Spice Girls have confirmed they will reform for an attempt at world domination in December.

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Nice 'n' spicy (girl power not shown).

The full line-up has not 'performed' on stage since Gerard Spice Gert Halliwell quit in a hail of gunfire and accusations of forced child labour in her secret lemonade mines in May 1998.

The 11 dates announced include 15 December, 12 August, 28 March and Ascension Sunday.

"I think for us it was about celebrating the past, enjoying each other (in a non sexual way) and it's about our fans. It was the right time, plus child minders don't pay for themselves," said Halliwell (not the film guide).

The only British date is in London, with the venue not yet confirmed. The other European dates include Cologne and Madrid.

'Fears and doubts'

Earlier this month Melvin Chisholm, also known as Spakky Spice, probably told someone she had resisted reforming the group in the past because "it was amazing, it was magical. We could never recreate it plus I was too off my tits on Buckie down the swing park to care".

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Spakky: Off her tits.

Asked why she had gone back on her word she said: "A girl is allowed to change her mind and also they've cut my benefits and job seekers allowance, it was this or the chippy".

"I think really all of us have had our fears and doubts but we feel that the time is right."

Halliwell added: "It was kind of now or never."

Collar and Cuffs

All five women laughed, fondled and joked constantly with photographers and reporters, even good-naturedly crucifying one journalist.

There had been rumours they would perform at the Concert for Diana memorial show in London on Sunday, but with Emma Bunintheoven currently pregnant they decided not to appear.

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Bunton: Up the duff.

"We would have loved to have been there this weekend but the timing has been impossible for us," said Chisholm.

As the conference drew to a close, all five women left the stage holding hands as Brown was heard to possibly shout, "Fuck you Murphy! I told you the kid was yours!"

The mind of evil

The tour is being put together by Simon Fuller, whose 19 company masterminded the group's global success more than a decade ago.

Under his guidance, the five-piece notched up a string of hits - including Wannabe and 2 Become 1 - while almost prostituting themselves with a stream of sponsorship deals ranging from Pepsi to home euthanasia kits.

Emma Bunton, Mel Brown, Melvin Chisholm, Victoria Adams and Gert Halliwell quickly became household names - although they were better known as Child, Fright, Spakky, Pish and Gerard.

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Victoria: Pish.

They sold more than 55 records around the world, and even starred in a film, a prequel to Frank Herbert's Dune called Spice World.

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"Screw you Brown!" Tempers
frayed on the Spice World set.

Halliwell quit in 1998 citing "That bitch Brown" as her reason for leaving, the rest of the pop combo forced (under pain of death) to complete a sold-out world tour as a foursome.

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Gert: eggy.

Since 2001 each member has pursued solo careers with varying degrees of desperation, while Pish Spice has become better known as the arch enemy of He-Man and the host of Tales from The Crypt.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

reason to love cbeebies (part 4)

After months of research that would put Indiana Jones to shame I've finally found information on the ultimate Cbeebies star.....you may know her as the (non) bearded librarian in Story Makers or the voice of Jelly in the same show...but true fans know her as.....

Aliex Yuill

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"Quiet in the library or the ickle chick gets it!"

The stunning, intelligent (and stunningly intelligent) multi talented true star of Cbeebies has worked in many fields of television production. From her humble beginnings as a runner on the Vanessa show to the puppeteer/voice of dipsy Jelly on the hit library based TeeVee show The Story Makers via chaperoning Sir Bobbie Charlton at the ITV show Music Hall of Fame, Aliex is a consummate professional, bringing an unbridled realism to her role as 'hot librarian' taking what could be seen as a mere walk-on character and making her a living breathing flesh and blood creation, her hopes, dreams and fears visible to the audience thru' the simple yet effective use of her eyes and the phrase "That's home time everyone!"

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The mark of Mr. Tumble.

When not acting, directing, producing or presenting, Aliex loves nothing better than relaxing to the sound of her brother James' 'folktronica' sound (his second album is out now) and, showing a real caring side not usually seen in so-called 'celebrities' has taken time out to teach in Ghana at a small village school on the outskirts of Cape Coast.


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The reaction to the restraining
order was greeted with surprise.


Currently touring with the Springwatch roadshow, who knows what Aliex will turn her hand to next? I'll have to carry on sitting in the tree opposite her house to find out.

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Blind Date: The Wilderness Years.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

ban this sick filth.

After a nice peaceful lull in British censorship (Ex-DPP banned list films getting released uncut, no moral outrage...almost normal i guess) it's back on the agenda with the BBFC banning a 'violent' video game (the first one in over a decade).
Oh dear.

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Just looking at this screencap can make you a killer.

Reported over on auntie Beeb it appears that:

The video game Manhunt 2 was rejected for its "unrelenting focus on stalking and brutal slaying", according to a British Board of Film Classification spokesperson.

It means the Manhunt sequel cannot be legally supplied anywhere in the UK.

Rockstar Games the designers of Manhunt 2 have six weeks to submit an appeal.

The last game to be refused classification was Carmageddon in 1997. That decision was overturned on appeal.

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And this one as well.

David Cooke, director of the BBFC, said: "Manhunt 2 is distinguishable from recent high-end video games by its unremitting bleakness and callousness of tone and there is sustained and cumulative casual sadism in the way in which these killings are committed, and encouraged, in the game."

The original Manhunt game caused huge controversy amongst our moral protectors and those who hadn't played it upon it's release and was blamed for the murder of Stefan Pakeerah. who was stabbed and beaten to death in Leicester in February 2004. Although Police said robbery was the motive behind the attack on Stefan, his parents believe the killer, Warren LeBlanc, 17, was inspired by the game, much in the same way Rambo was to blame for the Hungerford killings even tho' Michael Ryan didn't own a video recorder.

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Artists impression of someone
who has played the game.

Stefan's mother has branded the gaming industry "morally irresponsible".

"We have been campaigning against these games for a long time and the BBFC made the right decision," she said.

Manhunt's maker Rockstar North has always insisted its games are geared towards mature audiences and are marketed responsibly.

Leicester MP and professional band wagon jumper Keith Vaz, who campaigned with the family against the original version of Manhunt, praised the decision to ban Manhunt 2.

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Vaz: Smug bandwagon jumper
(kids with cancer for a good photo
opportunity not shown).


He said: "This is an excellent decision by the British Board of Film Classification, showing that game publishers cannot expect to get interactive games where players take the part of killers engaged in 'casual sadism' and murder."

Strangely he never mentioned social inadequacies and care, lack of support amongst communities or unemployment etc. for any of societies ills.

Good job he's found that it's really video games and films to blame for all of the countries problems. He deserves a medal.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

reasons to love cbeebies (part three)

She's possibly the sexiest French girl on UK TeeVee today with her fiery red hair, yellow tights and the sauciest accent this side of Serge Gainsbourg...I can only be talking about

Tilly

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The sexy star of Tots TV, Tilly shares a secret house with 'friends' Tom and Tiny and their pet donkey, often venturing out to explore an everyday part of the human world.

This also sometimes involved them using their 'magic sack' (or sac magique as Tilly breathlessly said in the title song) which they always took with them.

Although Tiny always carried it, Tilly was the one who best knew how to manipulate this 'sac magique'.....bringing forth the very item needed to help their situation.

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Tilly's Magic Sack. Snigger.

Not only was Tilly beautiful and intelligent, but was also an accomplished musician, wowing everyone by whipping out a magic flute and entertaining the crowds with some top freeform jazz.

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"Je suis une Tot."

Rumour has it that TeeVee exec's desperate to make French more appealing to a xenophobic British audience secretly transfered Beatrice Dalle's life essence into the Tilly puppet using an ancient Voodoo technique to ensure that male viewers would stay transfixed....as the picxtures below show, this is looking increasingly likely (plus what's Beatrice Dalle done since The Addiction?).

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The real-life Tilly, dirty
French burd Beatrice Dalle.

Whatever the truth may be the Totty-rific Tilly will always be our number one French fancy.

Sorry, I came over all tabloid there.


Wednesday, June 6, 2007

reasons to love cbeebies (part two)


Gary Gibson was a high-flying broker who thrived in a world of cut-throat competition. He had good prospects for promotion and was more or less guaranteed a job as a director at a computer firm.

Then he gave it all up and moved to Brighton to become an actor.

He struggled through working as a postman to support his family while studying at Brighton's only acting academy, The Academy of Creative Training.

But his dream kept him going, his hard work paid off, within a few years the old Gary Gibson was dead, reborn as the nation's favourite Cbeebies presenter....the fantastic....

SIDNEY SLOANE

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Sid said whilst taking a break from his hectic schedule: "I loved my career, but I had been doing it for ten years and had come to a crossroads in my life. I enjoyed the communication aspect of my job, but I needed a bigger challenge. I never even had an inkling I may go into acting."

Leaving his high profile job to work as a postman, bodyguard and bounty hunter amongst other things to support his young family Sid found himself working 37 hours a day and living on nuts and beak, at one point selling a kidney to survive.

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"That was it, I was completely hooked. Nothing was going to stop me. I knew I would be giving up a lot, particularly financially and of course my kidney, but I never had any doubts. I trusted my gut instincts and believed in myself."

Wise words from a wise man.

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Whilst researching this blog tho, I did come across some potentially disturbing information about Sidney Sloane...it appears that in 1906 Sloane chopped up his father with an axe after being refused spending money....he was later incarcerated in an asylum for the criminally insane.

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Could this be the same Sidney Sloane?.....an immortal traveling agelessly thru' time taking on different persona's and personalities? or is it a different Sidney Sloane altogether?
I know which I believe.