female trouble.

Another late night, another shite movie I'd so far managed to avoid.

Damn you ITV 4!

Species III
Dir: Brad Turner.
Cast: Sunny Mabrey, Robin Dunne, Robert Knepper, Amelia Cooke, Christopher Neame, J.P. Pitoc and Natasha Henstridge.

"It's not nice to be a prick tease!"

The story so far:

Genetically engineered space whore Eve (Henstridge), having spent the better part of two movies shagging various Hollywood 'B' listers to death has finally met her match in the shape of pervy alien infected ex-astronaut Patrick (some underwear model) and after a huge, CGI filled sex fight and is last seen being driven away to the local tip to be disposed of.

The journey is rudely interrupted however when the driver notices the huge gushes of blood spewing forth out the back of the van and stops to investigate.

This is a very bad move, seeing as soon as he turns around to peer thru' the dirty window a huge rubber thing bursts thru' the glass and embeds itself in his face.

Lucky bugger.

His associate, Dr. Russell Abbott (Knepper, the poor man's Jeffrey Combs and star of teevee's Prison Break) decides to have a wee nosy in the back and is surprised to find poor Eve passed out on her back with a balloon under her jumper and a really fat, pubed haired ginger kid scowling in the corner.

From the look of the boy (and his distinct lack of charisma) it's safe to assume that this is the producers son, I mean you can almost hear him thinking "Get this shit over with and fetch me a BAGEL!" as he slouches there, nipples like bullets as he cups his man breasts tightly to keep warm.

I don't mean to be nasty but this jumped up little shit is the scariest thing in the film and undoubtedly the ugliest child I have ever seen, Christ, the kid would make a pedo vomit.

Rant over.

"Potato chips!"

Eve suddenly sits bolt upright, giving a loud squeak as she fires a Tiny Tears doll out of her lady wumph and across the van floor before the fat kid tries to strangle her with a big rubber tongue.

Perhaps he mistook her smooth, creamy skin for cake?

Leaving Eve to her fate ( dating an ex Pop Idol bloke and appearing in Eli Stone) Abbott grabs the baby and legs it into the trees.

Flash forward a few weeks and the alien baby, now named Sara (after - and I kid you not - a Sara Lee cake packet) has matured into a precocious teen obsessed with eating gravy with her fingers and licking the windows clean.

Abbot meanwhile is back lecturing at his old university shouting at students, rambling about diseases and picking on sexy good guy Dean (ball faced Dunne from American Psycho 2) at any given opportunity.

Mild or bitter?

After some chat about science, funding and stuff, Dr. Russ and Dean become buddies and the doc cements their friendship by asking him round to his house to see some of his 'experiments'.

Oh, and the tweenie girl he keeps in the cellar.

Dean can hardly contain his excitement, unlike the constantly aroused testicle faced head of the faculty, Dr. Nicholas Turner (Hammer horror star and almost Doctor Who villain Neame) who wants Abbot off the campus by any means necessary.

And a shag if he's lucky.

In the Neame of love.

Meanwhile the fat kid from the movies beginning returns and my word has he let himself go.

Sweating like John Leslie in a playground and oozing puss from every orifice he gruffly informs Abbot that every one of the human/alien/hoover pipe hybrids have got a particularly virulent form of space asthma that causes them to melt into pools of cheese.

Which is unexpected to say the least.

Luckily being born with breasts, Sara is immune so should be able to have loads of sex without the urge to murder too many people or melt.

Look I know it doesn't make sense but I didn't write it.

Whilst all this is going on Sara has decided to cocoon herself to the bathroom ceiling, only coming out when she's turned into the (tastefully) nude, flat-faced, shelf arsed, rent-a-blonde Sunny Mabrey (she was in Snakes on A Plane and XXX2 so she can obviously spot a good script when she sees one) just in time for Turner to arrive at Russ Abbot's weird science madhouse looking for the good doctor and maybe a wee bit of shagging.

Mabrey: maybe she's born with it?

Never having seen a pot-bellied, pallid Englishman before Sara breathlessly begins to tear open Turner's shirt only to stop when she catches sight of his milky, quivering man boobs, which obviously annoys the by now rock hard old letch no end.

There's only one course of action left to pervy Nick, which is to throw romance to the wind and violently grab Sara, licking her face and thrusting his old man crotch against her like a mad dog whilst swearing.

Sara counters this suave move by spouting tentacles from her back and drilling them into Turners shiny head just in time for Russ and Dean to arrive and clean up the mess.

Despite (or because of) the blood, egg and semen stains everywhere, it's love at first sight for dishy Dean.

Sara, being a typical blonde however ignores his doe eyed stares and just carries on wandering around naked stopping occasionally to sigh wistfully at the camera.

Tart.

Tentacles in mah mooth!

Whilst all this erect nipple action is going on, another of the puss filled hybrid things has discovered where Sara lives and, hoping to get lucky before his cock melts decides to pay her a visit.

You can tell that this is going to end in tears can't you?

After a cup of tea and a (suggestive) digestive the hybrid makes his move on Sara only to be knocked back (as opposed to cracked off) at the first hurdle. This annoys the wee melty fella so he attempts to strangle her.

You can't blame him tho' cos she is annoying as fuck if I'm honest.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that in the ensuing struggle Russ ends up impaled on the kitchen wall.

To alleviate all this sex soaked carnage we're introduced to Dean's comedy flatmate, the geeky rat faced Barry Hastings (Pitoc, star of the classic wind based Pontiac Solstice ad).

Being about as attractive as the majority of readers of this blog, Hastings has taken to trawling dating sites for sexual favours and is pleasantly surprised to find that a Tefal headed hottie by the name of Amelia (Cooke, best known for playing a 'fantasy model' in two episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful) wants to meet up for some hot loving.

Little does he realize that Amelia is, in fact, the leader of the hybrids and is only after poor Barry to get at his flatmates notes on cloning.

I hate it when women do that.

Forehead, breasts, nymphet.

Stopping on route to have sex with/murder a fat hairy bikerboy, Amelia turns up at Barry's flat, flashes her ample arse and kidnaps him.

And the reason for this?

Well it seems that if Amelia and Sara pool their resources (and hopefully shower together) they can use Deans notes to create a perfect mate that won't melt or pop off early during the sexy stuff.

With the FBI hot on their tails and Dean desperate to save his flatmate, will our interstellar whores manage complete their plan for world domination thru' extraterrestrial rutting?

Well I've no idea cos I went to bed.

Admit it, you've shagged worse.

How can you possibly follow the backstreet cinematic abortions that are Species 1 and 2? especially when most of the cast have jumped ship (alongside the majority of the audience)?

Well, I'm sorry Brad but I don't think the best idea was to round up a couple of your pals and hire a digital camera for the weekend then get pissed and attempt to make a sexy scifi movie out of a script written by a ten year old boy.

i can imagine hardcore Species fans (are there any?) chocking on their weak lemon drinks at seeing such a travesty released under the franchises moniker and can only imagine how relieved Natasha Henstridge was she realized that she didn't have to do anything but lie on her back for two minutes then she could leave.

Much like she had to when she auditioned for the role.

Possibly.

Shockingly (and it takes a helluva lot to shock me) they made enough cash back (not hard seeing as it looked like it cost a tenner) to produce another sequel.

Species IV: The Awakening, I'm gunning for you.