T'other day a good friend of mine rang me up and, in a state of breathless excitement shouted that Dyanne Thorne (star of Ilsa) had once made a country and western video for kids and that he was sending a copy thru' the post as soon as.
It arrived yesterday morning.
And it's not Dyanne Thorne.
It's Diane Horner.
The world famous (yeah, right), blonde, bowl headed line dance champion.
But what the Hell, it was free and I had an hour to kill and I've always been a sucker for boys in cowboy boots....
Diane Horner: Country Dancing for Kids (1992).
Dir: Unknown but judging by the camera work I reckon it's Umberto Lenzi.
Cast: Diane Horner, Adrien Brody (possibly) and a gaggle of dead eyed, pre-teens.
Our video opens in a makeshift barn constructed in the bowels of a disused asylum, the darkness violently cut thru' by flaming oil drenched corpses atop ugly gnarled wooden poles whilst the creepy sound of an old west banjo band playing Dixie can be heard from somewhere in the fog enshrouded distance.
As if by magic the mysterious mistress of moves, the slender and snake-hipped Diane Horner (creator of the fantastic Country Hip Hop exercise programme) appears.
Clad head to toe in denim of varying shade and a pair of diarrhea beige, eye gougingly sharp cowboy boots topped off with a haircut that would make a monk blush she angrily barks clipped orders at her unseen assistants.
"Bring on the children!"
And so they come, an undersized army of hyperactive teeny tiny rednecks ready to do the dance of death on the bones of their fallen brethren.
Or is it to just learn the joys of dancing?
I had to keep watching.
And boy am I glad I did.
This Horner woman may lack Dyanne Thorne's dirty pillow like breasts, fine line in too tight SS uniforms and Sapphic tendencies but more than makes up for it with her frankly superb dancing skills, covering everything from the basic steps in country dance (including those all important bows and curtsies) via the frankly erotically charged do-si-do and culminating in the allemande left, and right and left grand.
And what the fuck is the allemande left I hear you cry?
Well dear readers, in its most basic form, an allemande left is simply put an arm turn by the left (plus a foxy step thru' as the dancer in question heads seductively toward their partner).
See? This blog is educational.
Like a sexier, slicker Dirty Dancing by way of Mississippi Burning, Diane Horner: Country Dancing for Kids is the perfect antidote to those long, lonely winter nights and perfect for anyone who hopes to improve their pulling power via the medium of dance.
Tho' judging by the video the moves may only impress pre-teens and Lego-haired pikey types.
No change there then.