Wednesday, August 31, 2011

childcare for beginners part one.

Nuff said really.

night of the creeps.

Please, for the love of God make it stop.

Peeping Blog (2010).
Dir: Creep Creepersin. 
Cast: Ariauna Albright, Creep Creepersin and Elissa Dowling.

Welcome to the wild and wacky world of 'Peter The Peeper' (director Creepersin, AKA Skrotar the honestly), a softly spoken yet scarily sausage fingered voyeur who spends his days (and nights) following a short skirted, fairly harsh faced young lady named Ethel (Albright from Platoon of the Dead and the classic Caged Lesbos A-Go-Go) around town then writing about it on his blog.

Nothing like me and Megan Stewart then.

Everything is going swimmingly for our peeping pal until Ethel's sister (Dowling, sister of Big Brother's Brian and the star of Bloody Bloody Bible Camp) turns up in an even shorter skirt for a surprise visit.

Hiding behind the coat-stand Peter continues to film his intended victims.

Luckily for him tho' they both appear to be blind (and deaf) making the whole thing that wee bit easier.

I mean there's no other way these two girls could fail to spot a hugely overweight, bearded asthmatic with a camera hiding behind under a raincoat in the corner of the room is there?

"Laugh now!"
But it's not all plain sailing tho' as very soon (tho' not soon enough) poor Peter desperately needs a wee, leaving our Peeper with a difficult choice.

Should he piss in a nearby pot plant, leg it and risk getting caught by the fuzz (a painful experience or so I'm told) or should he give the sexy siblings a nice surprise by jumping out of the wardrobe and tie them up before threatening them with a massive rubberised dildo?

Can you guess which?

Your mum hard at work yesterday.

Can I just say here and now that I'm all for underground film making, the fact that these days it's even easier than ever for any Tom, Dick or Harvey to get access to a camera, cast, crew and editing software enabling them to make their own movie is a fantastic thing.

Most of the time at least.

But for every Gareth Edwards or Carlo Ledesma there are a dozen talent-less myopic hacks with more money and self importance than sense violently forcing their entertainment free and cheese tasting celluloid spunk down our throats like some particularly sadistic cinema sex beast determined to infect everyone they come into contact with with their own brand of cinematic-ally Transmitted Diseases.

you know who you are.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse.

Less of a movie and more like a straight to DVD dose of anal warts, Peeping Blog is desperate to want to be seen as some kind of real-time art house thriller but with its muffled dialogue, endless POV shots of a car sitting at traffic lights alongside interesting views of store front and random women drinking coffee.

Obviously wannabe Warhol Creep Creepersin is aiming squarely at the chin-stroking crowd with this beauty, unfortunately tho' it's so brain numbingly awful that it ends up more arsehouse than arthouse, a film so energy drainingly boring that I not only lost the will to live whilst watching it but actually lost the ability to shit too.
Seriously, I've been unable to pass a single stool since viewing this and believe me, it's really fucking uncomfortable.

Big plastic cock in mah mooth!

The human race is doomed and the earth finished.

Don't forget to turn the light off on your way out.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

lost and found.

Found on a street in Glasgow, this cruelly discarded Aquaman sticker.

Look at the state of it, I mean who would want this now?

Minor superhero sticker abuse.

It must be stopped. NOW.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

evelyn whoaaar!

La Notte che Evelyn uscì dalla tomba (AKA The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave, The Night She Arose from the Tomb, The Night That Evelyn Left the Tomb. 1971).
Dir: Emilio Miraglia.
Cast: Anthony Steffen, Marina Malfatti, Erika Blanc, Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, Enzo Tarascio, Umberto Raho, Roberto Maldera and Joan C. Davis.

Welcome to the world of the filthy rich yet nutty as squirrel shit Sir Alan Cunningham (Steffen, AKA Antonio De Steffe, B-movie beefcake for hire) who, when not escaping from the local lunatic asylum on a monthly basis is hiring seedy down-at-heel hookers from down at the local docks for tuppence a time.

And the fact that Sir Alan uses fake number plates when picking up these sensuous ladies of the night really doesn't help the feeling that he may be after more than a wee bit of slap and tickle.

Arriving at his ramshackle stately home one night with a particularly rouge faced, ginger haired old slapper named Terri (no doubt played by your mum) Sir Alan leads her to a sumptuously seventies (in a kinda Roger Moore way) living room where he prepares a few glasses of J & B Whiskey (the Eurohorror drink of choice) while she slowly strips in an incredibly bored manner.

Bruce Campbell entertaining
a hunchbacked dwarf yesterday.

Stripped down to her market stall suspenders and big black Grannie pants she seductively follows Big Al into what she thinks is the bedroom.

So imagine her surprise when she discovers she's actually been led into a medieval torture chamber.

Before you can say bloodied breasts, Terri Whore finds herself strapped to a block of wood whilst Alan whips her before branding her soft white skin and finally stabbing her to death in a mentalist frenzy whilst screaming something about some woman named Evelyn.

Which is nice.

Early next morning Albert the grounds-keeper (Maldera, in a performance worthy of his own spin-off series), is angrily accosting Alan on the front lawn.

It appears that all the stabbings and torture kept poor Albert awake the night before and now he's too knackered to even consider mowing the grass.

Alan, being a considerate sort of chap gives Albert £30 in the hopes of winning him over (which indeed it does) so the crafty gardener heads into town to stock up on tissues and Pot Noodles, but not before a huge explanatory scene that serves to reveal that Evelyn was not only Sir Al’s (red haired) wife but also Albert's wee sister.

Stranger things are to come tho' as we discover that she died under 'mysterious circumstances' shortly after her husband became aware of the fact that she was having an affair.

Could this be related to the huge number of dead ginger whores in the cellar?

Blanc faced.

That night, craving a wee bit more of the old sex and violence (well, it keeps him off the streets I guess....oh right), Alan phones his equally as hatstand relative, George (the late, great Murdock star of The Etruscan Kills Again) to see if he fancies a night on the town.

George, next in line to the Cunningham fortune is the brains behind the operation, being the one that picks the 'nite spots' and back alley's that the duo frequent as well as deciding which red heads Alan should murder.

Which is more than any cousin of mine has done for me, except for that one time with the head in the fridge but that wasn't my fault.

All dressed up in the latest high fashions, the kinky pair head into town to the famous Barnsley Strip Emporium and Bingo Club where the harsh faced yet appealingly carrot topped stripper Susie (Blanc, the breast revealing star of A Dragonfly for Each Corpse and Will Our Heroes Be Able to Find Their Friend Who Has Mysteriously Disappeared in Africa?) is about to strut her stuff.

Oh, and get her tits out obviously.

Alan and George attempt to cover their tracks.

By the end of the evening, Sir Alan has hooked up with Susie, offering her a massive £1000 (in old money) to come back to his house for a stabbing.

I mean a shag.

Returning to Sir Al's pad, it's not long before Susie finds herself bra-less (tho' suitably huge panted), bound and standing in the middle of the torture chamber with Alan sweatily rubbing his hands together with glee as he approaches her menacingly.

A swift knee to the happy sacks gives Susie enough time to leg it into the garden, vault the fence and take refuge in a deserted chapel.

Within minutes the sinister sir has found the poor maiden, sinisterly approaching her, his arms outstretched and his feeble erection rubbing against the thin polyester of his loon-pants, for the kill.

Luckily for Susie he's overcome mid throttle by vivid visions of his dead ex missis.

Next morning Sir A goes about his business as normal with no mention or sign of Susie, which is a good job really seeing as he has an appointment with the head psychiatrist from the asylum he used to regularly escape from (Rossi-Stuart from Gate of Hell, War of the Robots, The Last Man on Earth and Kill, Baby... Kill! playing the Doc not the asylum, obviously).

It's a pity then that Doctor Timberlake, sorry Timberlane (for that is he) appears to be as nutty as he is.

Not only is he confused as to whether his former patient should really be going out butchering sleazy burds but he reckons that holding a séance to get in touch with Al's dead wife to let her tell her hubbie to move on would be a good idea.

This has come about due to Doc Timberlane discovering that Alan’s Aunt Agatha (Davis, looking more like Al's younger sister) is a bona fide psychic medium.

Matthew Waterhouse, up the casino 1982.

The séance (rather unexpectedly to them but obviously not to us) is a huge success with Evelyn hovering above the dining table, but as she goes to speak Alan has another seizure, making the idea of having another ghostly chat experience a wee bit of an embarrassing idea for all involved.

So it’s back murdering gin soaked whores for Sir Alan.

And where better place to start than a cheap and tacky high society 'do' organised by the always helpful George?

Everything seems to be going to hell in a handbag until George introduces Al to an incredibly beautiful yet frighteningly big chinned girl with the amusingly unsexy name of Gladys (Malfatti from All the Colors of the Dark).

Enjoying her excited chat and horse-like laugh it's obvious that Sir Alan is besotted, so much so that it comes as a shock to all involved when he gets down on one knee and proposes to Gladys there and then.

Gladys all over.

With a swing in his step and a song in his heart Alan begins to restore the family mansion and put his past life of whore slashing behind him, gathering his entire family (well, his aunt and cousin plus Albert) alongside a bevvy of saucy blonde maids to begin preparations for what could be a wedding to rival the late, great Jordan's for out and out freak value.

Unsurprisingly it's not long before things start to go wrong (and no, I don't mean that Al's fiancee is shite at cage fighting and wears a dress) when the theft of an an antique dinner service by a mysterious redhead dressed in a French maid outfit (wahey!) causes Alan’s Evelyn fixated hallucinations to begin again.

Putting two and two together to make 'random horror logic jump', Gladys begins to think that Evelyn might not be dead at all.

Is it wrong to find this photo sexy?

Sod stolen tea sets and wedding bollocks tho' because after the spate of prostitute murders in the films first half the audience is now gagging for some more killings (preferably by a black gloved mentalist).

Well don't worry we won't have long to wait.

First up poor Albert is attack with a big snake and buried alive after being rendered unconscious by the reptiles vile venom then Aunt Agatha has a housebrick dropped on her (bulbous) head before being fed to Alan's pet foxes.


How the story may have been reported by
the press if it were real.

And if that wasn't enough to keep the film lurching excitedly towards it's climax then the fact that glamorous Gladys has started seeing Evelyn floating outside her window at night  should make even the most jaded horror fan shriek with, oh I don't know...mild apathy I guess?

But what's this? Alan himself finally saw her too this time, so off he goes to the deserted chapel where her coffin lies.

Once inside, Alan is relieved to find not only the stolen dinner set (they're not cheap you know) but also Evelyn, who frighteningly still has a full curvy figure and ample breasts but a face of utter skull fuckness.

Like Skeletor's head stuck on Lorraine Kelly's body.

Feeling a tad better for seeing his dead wife's breasts again, Sir Al is just about to seal her coffin when Evelyn suddenly opens her eyes and sits bolt upright!

A by now even more unhinged Alan starts to dribble before dropping to his knees and pissing himself (with fright, not laughter), his mind totally broken by this supernatural act.

Stepping out of her coffin and wandering off into the night, Evelyn waits till she's out of her husband's field of vision before pulling off the shoddy skull mask to reveal......


It appears that everything has been a big elaborate (some may say over elaborate) plot by George to get his hands on Alan’s title and fortune.

The dirty sod.

Celebrating his new found wealth George takes Gladys to his secluded love nest just outside Bridgenorth to celebrate, but once a sly bastard always a sly bastard and he turns on the big chinned chick too, poisoning her Champagne.

As Gladys lies on the sofa, foaming at the mouth and pulling a scarily accurate Bruce Forsyth cum face (I know what that looks like, my nan told me), who should walk in but Susie!

Yup, she was working for George too.

For fuck sake this is convoluted.

Gladys, half dead yet still bouncy, picks up a handy bread knife and lunges at Susie, sticking it into her shoulder-blade, Susie retaliates with a broken bottle.

Soon both ladies are cutting chunks out of each other with various handy household items as George looks on with a kinda manic glee usually seen on your mum's face when your best mate visits after swimming.

It's not long before the pair of them are lying dead in a huge pool of their own blood, leaving George with no witnesses or loose ends, just a huge pile of cash.

Leaving his house to begin his newly acquired playboy lifestyle, George is shocked to find Alan standing in his flower patch cradling a huge bag of nitric acid fertilizer to his bosom.

It seems the madness (well some of it) was just a ruse to out George for the bad man that he is and now Sir Alan wants revenge...

"Look at the dog!"

My God, Miraglia what the hell had you (and not to mention co-writers Fabio Pittorru and Massimo Felisatti) been drinking when you concocted this massively brilliant mess of a movie?

I mean, it took longer to explain the plot than it did to watch the film.

What director today would have the audacity to have a lunatic, whore slashing inbred English aristocrat as the put upon hero?

Then cast a swarthy Italian to play him?

But as it stands the whole film is just an excuse for a variety of deliciously red-headed Eurotrash babes to get their kit off at every given opportunity whilst the rest of the cast wander around gaudy as fuck sets in outfits that Roger Moore's Bond wouldn't be seen dead in spouting inane dialogue with all the emotion and feeling of a bag of clothes pegs.

And really, you can't argue with that can you?

If that's not enough to convince you tho' there are some fantastically shot scenes of undisputed genius in the film as well (OK, there are two but who's counting? Oh yeah, me).

Alan’s maddening pursuit of Susie from the torture chamber to the chapel alongside Evelyn's resurrection from the dead are heart stopping moments of sheer terror that really need to be seen to be believed and the films dementedly mad plot and choppy editing actually add to the overall joy to be had from Evelyn (both before and after her rise).

Essential family viewing.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

people you fancy but shouldn't part 32.

Sally Bercow, ex pot smoking, booze guzzling and shag crazy wife of House of Commons Speaker John Bercow.

Friday, August 19, 2011

gotta catch 'em all.

Finally after years of searching the internet, charity shops and my dads cupboard my Doctor Who collection is complete.

 Obviously I only have these for completist value.

A wee bit like K-9 & Company.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

everybody in the house of love.

Sorry about the lack of updates of late, been stuck in the middle of school holibags trying to juggle evil podlings whilst drawing sexy were-ladies and caped vigilantes.

It's a dirty job etc.

The Silent House (2010).
Dir: Gustavo Hernández. 
Cast: Florencia Colucci, Abel Tripaldi and Gustavo Alonso.

It's a lovely Autumn eve in downtown Uruguay (I think), the sun is setting, the birds are tweeting and the painfully hatchet faced Laura (Colucci, looking like a healthier, slightly less pie obsessed Sonia Jackson from Eastenders) is accompanying her grizzly Edward James Olmos-ish father (and collector of Henrik's department store staff lottery money) Wilson (the director of Rompenieblas, una historia de psicoanálisis y dictadura himself, Alonso) to their pal Jimmy Néstor’s (Tripaldi, misspelt brother of Peter) run-down old house, where they plan to spend the night for no other reason than it looks a wee bit creepy.

Oh and silent, obviously.

Néstor, being a nice guy, has bought along a couple of fluorescent lamps (you know, the ones bright enough to use a video camera with), a tinny off-tune medium wave radio and a few dog blankets for his friends to help them thru' the night.

No Bovril, booze or biscuits tho' the tight bastard.

Settling down on a couple of big dusky chairs for the night and with some frankly appalling Spanish language country music to help them get to sleep, Laura is soon (well, soonish I mean we have to put up with ten minutes of her aimlessly wandering the house and giving us a quick glimpse of bra strap first) disturbed by the sound of shuffling coming from upstairs.

"Look at the dog! Look at the dog!"

Finally waking her dad from his pneumatic breast obsessed dream he reluctantly heads upstairs to have a nosey about leaving Laura downstairs quivering like a very thin jelly.

A sudden bang followed by a manly scream informs Laura (and the viewer) that something nasty has happened to Wilson.

Well it's either that or he's tripped over an old paint pot but where would the tension be in that?

Cue an hour of Laura investigating every single inch of her immediate surroundings (and more) even after she discovers he dad's dead and bound body, revealing that there is every possibility of a mad mentalist murderer being in the house with her.

Women eh?

Laura visibly shocked by her dad's black trouser, brown shoe combination.

But don't fret tho' cos these aimless meanderings are often interrupted by the odd tin falling off a shelf, birds flying out of cupboards and big beefy hands grabbing for our heroine who, after about forty minutes of re-enacting cut scenes from Resident Evil, runs off screaming only to come across Néstor on his way back to the house with some pasties for supper.


Given the choice between going to the local police station or heading back to the house our kooky couple decide on the latter (as you would if you still had another twenty odd minutes of film to fill) giving the director even more opportunity for some scary jumps, Polaroid  flash fun featuring ghostly girls and ketchup covered killers and finally a bedroom wall covered in saucy pics of Laura, Néstor and her dad.


"It's the Gonch!"
It seems that young Laura and her dad's pal have a history of doing the (very) dirty together and with, it seems Wilson's blessing.

It's all like a slightly less entertaining episode of Jeremy Kyle.

But with more teeth obviously.

With her fathers body gone, Néstor missing, a ghostly girl wandering the hallways and only a few minutes left to build to a satisfying climax what will happen to poor Laura?

Will she be the killers next victim?

Is it all imagined?

Or will the director treat his audience like idiots and reveal that what we've just watched unfold in real-time is all actually utter bollocks and that Laura's been killing everyone off because Néstor made her get rid of their baby?

They wouldn't do that would they?

Fuck me Cheryl Cole's let herself go.

The biggest shock surrounding this movie is that it's from Uruguay, a country more famous for being the ninth "Most livable and greenest" country in the world and it's cannibalistic rugby team than for it's cinematic triumphs and judging by The Silent House's distinct lack of internal logic, any kind of consistent characterisation and a total disrespect for it's audience's intelligence it'll probably stay that way.

Florencia Colucci, possibly the one from the film, possibly not.

It's selling point as a one-take, real-time thriller is a lie (I spotted at least two edits in the first twenty minutes) as is it's purported 'based on a true story' credentials (possibly). In fact there's nothing here that we haven't seen a thousand times before.

Best of all tho' is the movie's post credits coda where, just to show how mental Laura actually is (because having her murder her dad and lover with a scythe obviously isn't enough) we get ten minutes of her skipping thru' the woods with an imaginary child whilst waffling on about canoes.

If you think I'm being a wee bit harsh (what? me?) it's only because that with a little more care and a lot more thought this could have been a great little spook flick.

As it is now it's just bloody annoying.

Well at least we have the remake with the Olsen Twins younger sister Elizabeth to look forward too.

Friday, August 12, 2011

plugger bugger.

Unveiling the OFFICIAL Grindhoose t-shirts.

Ltd numbers available on the night with orders taken.

A steal at only £10!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

people you fancy but shouldn't part 31.

The Bronte Sisters.

Especially Anne.

And who says this blog isn't cultured?