Saturday, January 7, 2012

the shamityville bother and other animals.

Hey hey hey!

It's a brand new year so what better way to celebrate than not only with the monthly list of dead folk to cheer you up but with a movie so arse clenchingly bad that not even the real director or certain members of the cast will come forward and claim it.

Not arf.

As well as our hopes and dreams being shattered in an ill advised drunken argument with regards to you making an awkward fumbling pass at the babysitter unknowingly in front of your wife, December also saw the passing of actor Bill (Deliverance, The Outlaw Josey Wales) McKinney, Japanese animation artist and character designer Shingo Araki and French cartoonist animator and co-creator of Inspector Gadget Bruno Bianchi.







December also saw the death of comic book legend and creator of The Joker, Jerry Robinson, hound-faced M*A*S*H* star Harry Morgan,  film trailer producer,  voice-over artist, author, film editor and director of the classic Time Walker Tom Kennedy, Romanian Eurovision Song Contest entry 1998 Mălina Olinescu and Horror Express star Alberto de Mendoza.







Sticking with (and to) comics, we said goodbye to the writer of Captain America, Fighting American and Prez, Joe Simon, Brit sit com writer Ronald Wolfe, Pedro Armendáriz, Jr. from Licence To Kill and lest we forget Ronald Searle, creator of St Trinian's.







There were probably loads more but frankly it was getting too depressing.

Why not see how many I missed and write in?

Well after all that death, depression and hole digging (she'd seen too much) I really needed a movie to lighten my mood and fill me with excitement and hope for 2012.

To get me excited about cinematic joys to come in the next 12 months.

Unfortunately I chose....



The Amityville Haunting (2011/12).

Dir: Geoff Meed.

Cast: Devin Clark, Jon Kondelik, Tyler Shamy and others.

Mark my words you WILL be found.

Saying that tho' it's a really hard film to review, I mean where do you start? And would it be acceptable to have a review that just had the words 'fucking shit fucking shit fucking shit' for an entire page?

After a long hard think I decided, in homage to the movie, to review it in a blow by blow mocumentary stylee.

All reactions are real, no photo's or footage was faked.

I mean shit this really happened, ergo this film must be real too!

Enjoy.
Told you!


The infamous Amityville house yesterday. Honest. 

 
"A haunted house? Cool! let us break in and party!" suggests the frankly terrifyingly toothed hamster woman. 

"I am geek boy and I can crack codes to houses!!"

"Woah! awesome! Do you think the girls with have sex with us? If so I'm having the hamster, you can fuck the anorexic old women with shit tits!" 

 
"You look like my mum...can I touch your titties?" 

"If you can find them sure!"

Tara Reid, up the casino, New York State, 2004.....Yesch!"

"AAAAIIIEEEGGGGHHHH!!!!!" Death! 

A FEW DAYS LATER...
To break the boredom of house hunting, dad lightens the mood with his impression of the Zombie Flesh Eaters poster. This will be the most frightening thing you will see in the next 90 minutes.

"You'll sell us the house for a tenner?!!? Why? It's not haunted is it?"


"Not at all sir and neither were there any shit titted murders! I'd say the only ungodly thing around here is your daughter...look at her...it's enough to make a pedo vomit!"

"Hmmm...maybe I was a little harsh to that little girl, I mean I'm no oil painting either! I guess I'm lucky that the director prefers girls who swallow over good actresses....being his sister doesn't hurt either....unlike my...."



"AAAAIIIEEEGGGGHHHH!!!!!" More death! 
"Can you believe it?....First James Brolin, then those pesky kids and now that harsh faced estate agent....it's freaky how many folk die around this house....maybe it's haunted!"
"Well I ain't afraid of no ghost!"

"AAAAIIIEEEGGGGHHHH!!!!!" Even more death!


























 "Hello Mr. Policeman I'd like to report a bad killing. Or three".

"Don't you believe those ghost stories sir, it was probably wolves what done it".

"Hiya! I am the fat faced kissy lipped boy child who is filming everything in case there actually is a ghost....so it's me you can thank for the fucking abysmal footage but obviously not for my dad's sub-pedo style acting!"

This is the amount of breakfast cereal the budget stretches to...but don't worry, it's for sinister child's imaginary friend.....it couldn't be a ghost could it?

"Can you smell egg? Who the fuck keeps farting?"

"According to the interweb eggy smells usually mean killer kiddie ghosts that befriend small horse faced girls....or that your eldest daughter is sneaking out....YOU'RE GROUNDED WHORE!"

"Dad's gone mental, my mum's shot to fuck, big sis is crying in her room and the one that looks like a pony is talking to dead folk....I can't be that bothered tho' seeing as I'm still managing to stuff my face with lard".

"Time for lunch! Hang on...who the fuck's that wee boy!?!"

"...To be honest tho' who the fuck cares? I can hear a bag of sweets opening!"


I would put a vaguely amusing caption but all I can say is SPECIAL EFFECTS!

"OK I admit it, the house is a wee bit strange and my daughter isn't a whore. Let's stay just one more night and tomorrow we'll leave, I mean nothing bad could possibly happen before morning could it?"


Luckily there are camera's in the teen daughters room so we can watch her writhe in her sleep, her budding young breasts straining against the soft cotton of her top....Unfortunately all we get to see is...

Cheers for that.

Meanwhile a paint explosion in the kitchen has done for mom but in that outfit it was probably for the best.

Fuck me! It's Fred Titmus!

"Fat boy in mah moooooooooooooooth!"

"Daddy wake up so I can...."

"Stab you now!"

And they all died.


The end.




Geoff and Cody, I hope you're fucking proud of yourselves cos seriously for the first time ever I don't have the words.

Well, actually I do.

And it's just one word.

Toss.

Toss.

Toss.

Toss.

Maybe with a Pots added to the end.

And 'A stinking foul tasting backstreet abortion filled' just in front.

Ok I know, that's 13 words.

Which is 12 more than they deserve.

Saying that tho' it means the year in movies can't get any worse.

Can it?

And at least we have the names of the fuckers responsible so let's just hunt them down and see what happens.

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