wood and walters.

After wondering why so many good low budget horror movies were coming out of The States at the moment compared to the UK that currently seems to only produce crap it seems that one of our American cousins has decided to pick up the gauntlet and attempt to make a movie to rival Little Deaths in the 'why bother?' stakes.

I never thought I'd say this but at times like this I miss reviewing quality stuff like TAPE 407: THE MESA RESERVE INCIDENT.

And I must admit that I'm a wee bit frightened to review this seeing as last time I wrote anything here the director gave me a bollocking for mentioning his wife's breasts.

Fuck knows what Jason Horton's gonna do to me cos he looks fairly handy.

Monsters in The Woods (2012).
Dir: Jason Horton.
Cast: Glenn Plummer, Lee Perkins, Jacqui Holland, Linda Bella, Edward Hendershott, Ashton Blanchard, Blaine Cade, Claudia Perea, Gladys Otero and Curt Mega.

Look! It's that poster again!

We open on a child's tent in the local play park where the way to attractive for this movie Suzy (Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver star and scream queen in waiting, the wonderfully deadpan Holland) is enjoying a bout of incredibly noisy lovin' with hunky stud muffin Burt (Hendershott, an actor to watch and surprisingly good given what he has to work with), unluckily for her at the moment of climax and man/chicken hybrid in a wife beater vest pulls Burt out of the tent and to his doom leaving our buxom beauty to scream a lot whilst running around a tree.

Could the movie really be this bad?

Imagine my relief when it's revealed that we're actually watching a film crew shooting a shite monster movie in the woods.

Well, talk about the poststructuralist reaction to the semiotic codes of cinema and all that bollocks, we may be in for a treat here.

Or not.

You see if you're going to open your movie taking the absolute piss out of no budget, no hope straight to DVD 8 mm monstrosities then for fucks sake please make sure that the actually film you're making isn't going to turn out to be the perfect example of the very thing you're vilifying.

I've experienced some shite over the years but none as smelly as this.

Anyway, rant over, back to the ahem 'plot'.

This doesn't even deserve a 'laugh now'.

It seems that ace movie director Jayson (Plummer, who's been in everything from Speed via ER to The Sound of Music - strewth his mortgage must have gone thru the roof this month) finds himself stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to work with an inept crew and the biggest group of non actors this side of Kill List by a producer who's insisting on adding  reels of excessive sex and violence to his movie.

Add to this his promise of a role to lead Burt's manic girlfriend Ashley (a fantastically sexy, scary and downright mental performance from Eileen Daly alike Bella, an actress who could possibly carry the entire movie on her own) and the annoyance of a documentary crew following his every move has put poor Jayson in a very bad mood.

Trying to keep everyone happy is the put upon script supervisor cum general dogsbody (the elfin Blanchard, owner of this years silkiest and smoothest thighs) and camp as pants soundman Guy (a spot on comedy performance from Perkins).

It's no surprise to say that their job is the hardest on set but it's about to get harder still when not only is Jayson is accidentally killed by a jerry-rigged camera pulley but a horde of blood-thirsty Hell Hounds turn up and start randomly eating folk.

You'd Ashton her Blanchard. Twice.

Unfortunately this is where the movie mutates from enjoyable car crash to smashing thru' the front of your house and maiming your kids, with Plummer and Hendershott out of the picture and Bella's character shunted off to a junked up no-man's land the entire venture suddenly unravels, the hand-held camera format used up until this point is done away with as the picture quality is (slightly) upgraded as the film tries to become a traditional monster movie.

Albeit one without any kind of plot or meaning, which the director quickly tries to cover by having one of the producers admitting to making a pact with the Devil to get his film made or something.

Hence the Hell Hounds arriving to steal souls and the sudden appearance of two Mulder and Scully-like 'Angels' determined to stop whatever's meant to happen at all costs.

Could it get anymore confused?

Hell yeah.

Hell Hoond in mah mooth! - These suits probably look really impressive in real life.

And going from no plot to a whole pot of plot in a matter of minutes does nothing to help hold up the already buckling foundations of the story, this extra unneeded weight only causes whatever goodwill you had for the film to disintegrate leaving you laughing out loud at the whole debacle then feeling like shit for doing so.

I mean I really wanted to enjoy this for what it was and did my best to give it a chance but when it appears that the people making it really don't give a damn then why should I?

Mental Bella dump ya fella.

But it's not all bad.

Well most of it is but putting on my positive hat a fair few of the actors are great and the monsters suits are pretty well designed, looking as they do like a cross stitching of spider, dog and mantis and under more controlled lighting you can imagine them being really effective.

Unfortunately they're shot in the height of summer in various degrees of focus making the whole thing look cheaper than your mum.

It's heartbreaking to see a movie with such potential fail so badly simply thru' lack of discipline and focus, Monsters in The Woods should have been the dogs bollocks whereas it ended up just smelling like them.

I think I'm going to cry now.