Thursday, October 27, 2016

skulking around.

Day 27 of the 31 days of horror and I've run out of witty things to say.

That'll explain why this review is so short then.

No doubt you'll be grateful for small mercies.

Normal 'mooth-shite in' will be resumed tomorrow.

Army of The Dead (2008).
Dir: Joseph Conti.
Cast: Ross Kelly, Stephanie Marchese, Miguel Martinez, Mike Hatfield, Audrey Anderson, Vic Browder, Jocelyn Tucker and some skeletons.

The year is 1590 and a (very) small group of conquistadors lost on their way back from bingo have found themselves wandering aimlessly thru' a never ending series of plaster caves in the vague hope of finding a taxi rank.

Unfortunately they only have a couple of quid left so it's quite fortuitous when the conquistador leader Chaz finds a pile of gold coins in the corner.

Unfortunately it turns out that these are scary cursed gold coins that cause the stars in the sky turn black and the moon to turn blood red.

Which is nice.

If that wasn't enough to cause a spike in viewer incontinence then the appearance of a group of GCI-ed skeletons wielding children's toy swords and screaming for blood may be responsible for a few loose stools at a later date.


Meanwhile in the present day, the movies square jawed hero ex_England player and rapper, John Barnes (The Stink of Flesh's Kelly, a kind of low rent Chris Pine but with the hint of a man haunted by past indiscretions) and his foxy wife Amy (kissy lipped and tustle haired Marchesi) are celebrating John's birthday with a weekend of off-road fun in some pimped up VW’s.

Also along for the ride is his instantly forgettable pal (we'll call him Jeff), his drunken ex-girlfriend Jenny (Anderson but not the one from The X Files), another couple I'd actually forgotten about till I watched the credits and his old university professor Gordon Vasquez (Martinez from Klown Kamp Massacre and your Mum's bed).

Undead skeletons on the rampage? Well don't expect this guy, the movie's too cheap even for him.

But wouldn't you know it, the professor has an altogether more sinister agenda, one that  involves the cursed gold, a couple of incompetent mercenaries and a variety of ill-fitting combat trousers.

Suffice to say that as soon as he finds the coins the skeletons once again rise and start committing acts of bloodied and bony mayhem.

Who saw that coming?

"OK everyone.....LOOK AT THE DOG!"

But it's not only the professor, his beard and his gung ho hired hands that are in the skeletons sights seeing as John and his pals seem to think that a wee bit of Aztec gold might come in handy down the line...

Insert cock here.

With a budget less than the amount it takes to get your sister drunk and with a price tag of a quid from your friendly neighbourhood Poundland, how could you possibly slag off Joseph Conti's CGI shite fest?

Well for a start the acting ranges from serviceable to sodden, there's way too much time taken up with footage of steroid-strapped VW's cruising around the desert, it features one of the most abysmal beards ever to grace the screen and there's a distinct lack of nudity.

But we're here for the skeletons right?

And surprisingly they're not too shady, fairly scary and almost indestructible.

Their only weakness?

A giant Tesla coil.

Ahem, quite.

Well what did you expect for a pound?

Jason and The Argonauts?

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