Monday, October 29, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Let's head across the globe to Taiwan today, where a nutty scientist has created a frankly loopy virus that turns folk into zombies.
And guess what?
Yup, it's gotten loose.
Welcome to the slightly sexist world of...
Zombie 108 (2012).
Dir: Joe Chien
Cast: Yvonne Yao, Morris Rong, Tai Bo, Jack Kao, Sona Eyambe, Chien Jen Hao, Chloe Lin, Dennis To and loads of other folk.
|“I regret that I didn’t screw you to death.”|
Bullet nippled and obscenely short shorts wearing young mum, Linda (Yao, who I'm assuming is the directors girlfriend ) wakes from a terrible (off screen) car crash to find her husband lying unconscious with a steering wheel stuck in his head and their small daughter, Chloe (Lin who's either a real child in her first film role or a well preserved dwarf), missing from the back seat.
Crikey, talk about starting with a drama.
She frantically (and very sweatily) begins to search the desolate streets before seemingly giving up and heading into a supermarket to steal some water.
Well, in the middle of a disaster you have to get your priorities right.
Sauntering around the fancy goods department on the look out for a new broom our hot panted heroine comes across (not literally tho' maybe later) a sight that will haunt her nightmares for, oooh, minutes after.
It appears that the entire staff have turned into flesh eating zombies and are currently busy munching on the customers.
Don't you hate it when that happens?
|Watch out watch out Nancy Lam's about!|
grabbing her daughter who suddenly appears outside.
Escaping the mumbling monster mum and daughter jump into a passing car, which would be all well and good if the inside wasn't decorated with hundreds of pictures of nude ladies.
Or the seats covered in spunk.
Linda quickly realizes that she has inadvertently stumbled into something much worse than the approaching zombie hordes.
And far more terrifying than Sir Jimmy Savile's camper van.
|"I'm a wanderer, and always have been, so I love motor-homes and especially shagging in them. Sometimes I get home, check my post, shower and then shag a wean in the camper van outside!"|
In charge of the club (and the whole Ximen district) is the lard lovin' drug lord Susan (Rong, the far east's answer to Jono Coleman), aided and abetted by his motley gang of heavily armed bad boys.
Unbeknownst to the lardy one tho,' the local SWAT team are in the area with orders to evacuate the whole city due to the aforementioned scientist accidentally letting his virus loose.
It seems he mistook the test tube for a vial of KY jelly only realizing his mistake when his cock tried to bite him mid wank.
Not that Susan gives a damn about this seeing as his currently cracked off his tits and surround by a bevvy of butt naked barely legal babes.
|Do you think they'll eat her whole or will they spit that bit out?|
Mistaking the police presence for a raid (which is another film entirely) Susan's boys unleash their massive weapons spraying death and destruction in the faces of the hapless cops before realizing the true enemy are the boys in blue, but those pesky extras painted green.
Quickly putting their differences aside survivors on both sides must work together if they have any hope of making it thru' the night.
But the merry band are low on ammo and if that wasn't enough the token females are all dressed in spangly pants, bra tops and high heels which aren't the best things to be wearing in the middle of a zombie invasion.
Saying that tho' the director doesn't seem to mind as every other shot seems to be a crash zoom down someones cleavage.
Which I must admit is nice but does tend to destroy the scary ambiance somewhat.
|"I'm sorry, I have my woman’s period!"|
Meanwhile poor Linda and her daughter (remember them?) are being held captive by the guy (Jen Hao looking for all the world like Matt Lucas in drag) who 'rescued' them earlier, turns out that he's a sex crazed, bacon obsessed rapist who's using the current state of city-wide panic to abduct young girls, chain them up in his basement and bugger them senseless whilst humming show tunes.
OK I made the last bit up but frankly nothing would surprise me by this point.
Cue a story stopping 20 odd minutes of full on rape action, made all the more uncomfortable by the directors insistence of finishing every assault with lingering soft focus shots of Yvonne Yao's semi naked, sweat covered thighs and breasts.
|How your girlfriend really got that promotion.|
Susan's wife has turned zombie forcing him to shoot her in the head, the scantily clad female cop (I'm assuming all police women in Taiwan dress like Lara Croft, I've never been there so how would I know?) has disappeared during a confusing fight scene and a black American dude (music producer, composer, deejay and all round sexy man Eyambe, check out his Facebook fanpage here) has turned up for no other reason than he can base jump.
Saying that tho' he is bloody good at it.
|Just imagine skiing down those.|
Suffice to say that loads of stuff happens (gun fights, stealing cars, zombie attacks and, yes more rape) before the survivors stumble upon the bacon man's apartment looking for a safe haven...
With zombies at the door and a mentalist on the sofa the question is who will survive and more importantly how, if the zombie plague is only a few hours old, has the pervert managed to already capture three of them, built a holding device and trained them to power his flat by walking around a big wheel?
Some of these questions may be answered.
Only some mind.
Thought it best to warn you.
You haveta admire Joe Chien in some ways, given the chance to make a feature it's almost as if he was so worried that he'd never have another shot at it that he decided to throw every idea he'd ever had at this one movie before standing back and seeing what stuck, creating an enjoyable if totally incoherent mess of a movie.
I mean, the sheer number of characters involved would shame Game of Thrones, for the films meagre 83 minute running time there are over 30 main characters, some named, some not but all of them speaking.
From Linda and her daughter Chloe, whom we assume are going to be the main focus, thru to Susan, his wife and his cronies via the SWAT team - with it's unrequited love between two characters subplot and then the mad rapist, characters appear and disappear like magic, some even off screen leaving plot threads dangling like noodles from the serial killers chin.
Did I not mention there's one of those in it too?
|A torn, tight vest top, the official uniform of the zombie apocalypse.|
And if that wasn't enough then halfway thru' what's turning into a nice wee survival horror story a mad rapist appears from nowhere, complete with his own torture chamber resplendent with giant jars containing the bodies of pickled women and deformed babies whilst, as mentioned earlier a gaggle of the undead power his house.
It's this section, whilst being genuinely unsettling to watch - especially the scenes where the pervert begins urinating on Linda as she begs to see her daughter and when he bemoans the fact that he's going to have to wait a few years to 'enjoy' Chloe - belong in a different movie entirely, dragging, as they do the audience out of the fun atmosphere created so far and into something much darker.
And that's not necessarily needed.
|Inside Jeremy Forrest's mind.|
It's just the other stuff (rape, sexism and erm even more rape with a touch of necrophilia) that gets in the way.
If Chien was hoping to make a movie in the same vein as Evil Dead 2 then he's about a third of the way there, if only he gets in someone to trawl thru' his ideas for him (preferably a woman so she can slap him when he descends to far into Benny Hill Territory) and keep him focused them he could be a talent to watch.
Enjoyable nonsense but be warned, you'll be seeing breasts in your sleep for months afterwards.
And not all of them will be as shapely as Yvonne Yao's.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
The Pact (2012).
Dir: Nicholas McCarthy.
Cast: Caity Lotz, Casper Van Dien, Agnes Bruckner, Haley Hudson, Kathleen Rose Perkins, Samuel Ball and Mark Steger.
Kissy lipped, square jawed MiLF Nicole (Bruckner from the Bruce Campbell classic The Woods) has recently returned to her childhood home to finalize the preparations for her late mother's funeral.
Obviously she's overjoyed by this, especially as she's had to leave her daughter Eva with cousin Liz (Perkins from Episodes and American Horror Story) whilst her wayward biker sister Annie (Mad Men's Lotz, looking for all the world like a dirtier Melissa George) huffily refuses to return home due to childhood 'issues'.
Apart from the sub-soap opera histrionics however, everything else seems to be going to plan, mum's not risen from the grave or anything and there's plenty of soup in the cupboards.
Which is all well and good until during an online call to Eva, Nicole begins to hear strange noises around the house, Eva freaks her mum out even more by saying there's a scary man standing behind her and she soon discovers a broken jar of gherkins in the kitchen.
If that wasn't enough to have you shouting "It's Pipes!" then the mysteriously opened cupboard door should at least hint at getting the hell out of Dodge.
But alas this is a horror movie so it's integral to the plot that Nicole goes and investigates.
Not to surprisingly when Annie arrives the next morning it turns out that Nicole has vanished.
Mysteriously tho' she's left her laptop connected and her phone and clean undies on the bed.
|Despite what the packaging said Annie's market stall lightsaber did not fill her with the powers of a Jedi.|
Deciding to take advantage of the free food, WI-fi etc. Annie decides to stay over at her mothers house for the night, only to be kept awake by a mix of bad dreams, hideous wallpaper and a series of sinister low angle tracking shots.
Waking with a start the next morning our biker babe is surprised to find a picture frame has spookily fallen to the floor revealing a photo of two pregnant women.
One is obviously (well to Annie it is) her dear departed mum but the other somewhat foxier babe?
Anyway, there's no time to discuss such trivia as it's funeral day, meaning Annie has to wear an uncomfortable dress whilst meeting up with various characters who may become important later.
Namely aforementioned cousin Liz and little Eva.
|"Is that you Mr. Savile?"|
The three return to Annie's mother's house to discuss important pieces of character history and story background in order to make it easier for the audience to feel sympathy for Annie's predicament whilst later, just in case you forgot that this was a spooky movie, Annie dreams of a shirtless man crying on a bed whilst her phone starts beeping whilst pinpointing an address on Google maps.
Lucky it's not an Iphone she's got or she'd be fucked.
Farting herself awake Annie is shocked to see a skinny legged figure disappearing into the shadows so decides to go and wake up Liz, who it turns out, has vanished.
Attempting to grab little Eva and leave the house our harsh faced heroine is attacked by forces unseen that throw her from wall to wall like a spring-loaded stunt woman but these mental manifestations aren't enough to stop Annie rescuing her niece and heading to the local police station.
|Adam West, up the casino, 1972, Baltimore.....YESCH!|
Unfortunately when she gets there not one of the boys in blue believes her story with the officer in charge, the big collared Bill Creek (Van Dien, looking more and more like a homeless Adam West everyday) even going as far as suggesting that Annie herself may have played a part in both her sister's and cousin's disappearances.
Retiring to a local motel, Annie (sans Eva who she's conveniently dumped at the police station) finally notices the bizarre directions cum spooksome message on her phone and, after typing the address into her handy laptop discovers what appears to be a photo of a blurred figure in a floral dress standing by a tree.
Which is nice if not a little tiresome for poor Annie seeing as without warning she drops off to sleep giving her plenty of time to have even more macabre visions of the crying shirtless man, as well as of the woman in a floral dress.
Only this time she's headless.
What does it all mean?
Sorting thru' her mother's papers over breakfast Annie discovers a hidden room on the blueprints of the house and after a quick call to Bill the bill (armed with a handy torch and a fine line in helpful, old school advice) arranges to meet him there.
Within seconds of entering the house (it is a short film after all) Bill has broken down a fake cardboard wall and uncovered the aforementioned hidden room, resplendent in 1970's curry house flock wallpaper and a variety of unusual stains on the floor.
Oh yes, and a spooky woman with removable legs.
|Tracking's dodgy mate.|
Deciding that there's definitely something spooky going on, Anne calls her old schoolfriend, the incredibly sexy, and scarily psychic Stevie (ickle doll faced Hudson from Weeds) and invites her to the house to see if she can help contact any rogue spirits wandering about.
What do you mean 'far fetched'?
Didn't your school have a token psychic student?
Just mine and Annie's then.
|Insert cock here. Don't worry she's blind and wont notice till it's too late.|
Almost immediately she drops to the floor shaking and sweating whilst hysterically shouting the name "Judas" at anyone who'll listen.
This scene is, by far the most erotic thing I have seen on the big screen this year.
And just when you think it can't get any sexier a headless corpse of a woman in a floral dress appears floating above them.
It's at this point that Annie realizes it's not actually her mother's spirit that is haunting the house and that we realize that it may not be advisable to get your cock out in the cinema.
Even if it is due to Haley Hudson's tiny red shorts.
|"Put it in me!"|
This Jesus fella had a group of pals including one particular bloke named Judas Iscariot who, fairly infamously kissed and betrayed Jesus to the behatted Sanhedrin priests in exchange for a payment of 30 pieces of silver, after which he hanged himself after a tearful wank and a Pot Noodle.
|Judas: beardie bastard.|
Or could it be a completely different Judas?
Searching again Annie discovers that the town was once home to a serial killer of the same name (tho' I'm assuming it was an alias, I mean who'd name their kid Judas?) who skulked around the local neighbourhood beheading women.
His last known victim was a Jennifer Glick, after which he disappeared from view, never to return.
Annie soon realizes that Glick is, in fact the woman in the floral dress with her mother in the photo and, after coming across a crime photo of Jennifer's murder, recognizes her as the woman from her dream.
|Meanwhile in Sir Jimmy's dressing room...|
Deciding that all this weird shit must be in some way related Annie heads to the address that keeps appearing on her phone and after stumbling around in the bushes discovers a church where it appears her mother and Jennifer attended.
Alongside an until now unknown sibling of her mothers.
Back at the house detective Creek is having another look around, it seems that when he was developing the crime scene photo's he noticed a ghostly hand pointing to the shoe cupboard, where he discovers a secret door leading into the hidden room.
Unfortunately Creek is murdered to death by an unknown assailant before he can tell anyone.
|"Did Freddie Starr do it?"|
Contacting Stevie with the new information, our blind babe suggests that Annie should conduct a seance to rid the house of spirits and discover her sisters whereabouts.
Annie excitedly buys some candles and chalk before heading to the house, not realizing that the mysterious presence haunting the halls is much more than just a ghost...
Well by more than just a ghost I really mean her mad serial killing uncle whom her mum boarded up in the hidden room after he killed her pal but you get the idea.
|The Pact: Ghosts, girls and jazz hands.|
Expanding on his little seen Jewel Staite starring short of the same name, Nicholas McCarthy's first feature is a surprisingly old fashioned ghost story, well told and well played, only marred by a few silly plot holes and a final shot that should have been left on the cutting room floor.
Confidently and solidly directed by McCarthy with a nice central performance from Lotz ably supported by a surprisingly watchable (as opposed to punchable) Van Dien
the movie has a lot going for it, it's only as it races towards it's climax that the obligatory coincidences kick in and the cliche counter begins working overtime.
Which is forgivable as the whole thing has been fairly entertaining until then.
True that sometimes McCarthy labours under the misapprehension that the whole plot is much cleverer than it actually is when on close inspection the whole premise falls apart in a puff of logic even if you only slightly peer at it wrong i t may add nothing new to the genre or have the panache of something like The Innkeepers but it is a competent piece of film making that can only bode well for McCarthy's future projects.
My word I must be getting old.
Either that or I've not watched enough shite recently.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
This dropped thru' my mailbox this weekend so having sod all else to watch now Doctor Who has finished I reckoned I'd give it a try.
Tho' why anyone would want to update the classic 1952 version with Ralph Richardson is beyond me.
I'll warn you in advance tho', if you're over 12 years old you might need a glossary of all the cool 'webspeak' used in the film as most of it is nonsensical.
These youngsters eh?
Dir: Michael J. Gallagher
Cast: Caitlin Gerard, Melanie Papalia, Shane Dawson, Andrew James Allen, Toby Turner, Roger Bart, Keith David, Liza Weil, Jana Winternitz, Nikki Limo, Michael Traynor, Darrien Skylar, Richard Ryan, Jason Horton, Elizabeth Greer and Patrick O'Sullivan.
|"I did it for the lulz"|
Stacy is intrigued.
Well I say intrigued but I can't really tell seeing as her reaction consists of stiffly raising an eyebrow. Could be intrigued, could be irritable bowel syndrome.
Anyway it seems that the whole thing started on the (in)famous 4chan bulletin board a few months back, someone (was it you?) reported that whilst surfing an anonymous chat site they'd decided to type the phrase "I did it for the lulz" 3 times.
For no apparent reason it seems.
Apart from for the lulz obviously.
Sitting back to enjoy their chat-mates confused reaction they were horrified to see a bawl headed black clad bastard appear behind them and slit the unfortunate lulz receivers throat.
Which is nice if a little unexpected.
|"You mean Jim CAN really fix it for me?"|
Mary is understandably upset to find this out but soon perks up when she discovers that the rumours of fat middle-aged men wanking furiously over web-camming pre-teens is actually a fact.
Kids today eh?
Anyway once Mary is settled into bed our bouncy babysitter decides to relax by spending the evening online chatting to strangers.
You can see where this is going can't you?
|Stacy prepares to let Jeremy Forest park his bike.|
By chatting I mean typing shite like "Oi speccy!" and "Fuck off fours eyes!" which as readers of this blog know is normal behaviour for pretty and popular girls because they don't even try to be nice because they are all EVIL.
Especially you Belinda Maine who cruelly snubbed me at the end of term Christmas dance in 1986, leaving me standing outside as you waltzed in with Barry from the football team.
Pity the week after he was run down by that stolen car and never walked again wasn't it?
Do you remember how all your friends laughed at me?
I've not forgotten.
I still visit their graves.
|Class of '86, unfortunately some of them died. I didn't do it. Belinda is on there somewhere. Can you spot her?|
But I digress.
Her smiles quickly turn to frows tho' when our glasses wearing goon types "I'm sorry but I'm going to kill you", and when Stacy asks why he would say such a thing he answers almost immediately by typing - you guessed it - "I did it for the lulz".
Suddenly and without warning (if you discount the stabbing violins on the score obviously) a black clad figure wearing a giant crudely carved potato on his head and carrying a large knife appears behind Stacy and violently stabs her.
Cue titles if you please.
|Yup, still on the same movie. Just checking.|
Enter (oh go on then) our heroine for the duration of this movie, a shy, oh so fragile and slightly unstable (in the nicest possible way) girl named Ashley (Gerard best known as Jan from teevee's Vanessa and Jan) who is not only struggling with starting College but also with coming to terms with her mothers suicide.
The poor lamb, carrying so many cliches on such tiny shoulders.
Reckoning that a house share would be better than living alone in the cramped halls of residence, Ashley moves in with the groovily attired yet squint of mouthed rich girl Proxy (Endgame's Papalia, channelling early Tracey Ullman for some reason), the pair become fast friends (well the movie is only 90 minutes long) culminating with Proxy dragging Ashley along to a hip 'n' happening start of term 4chan party organized by local rich geek cum hacker cum floppy fringed fuck Zane (Allen with his patented Pretty in Pink era James Spader impersonation and a dressing gown).
|"How'd you fancy a wee bit o' girl on girl mooth shite-in?"|
Nervous at hanging out with all the cool people (and various overweight and neck-bearded extras found online) Ashley starts to chat to a greasy wigged mumbler named Binder (interweb star Dawson most famous for putting a video of his dying grandmother online whilst having a shit haircut) but just as the conversation is getting interesting the other cooler members of the party start throwing beer cans at him whilst shouting "Pedobear!" in his general direction.
Contrary to popular belief tho' this doesn't mean that he's a forest dwelling beast that preys on young children but that he is, in fact a good man who reports all kinds of badness that naughty boys post on 4chan.
Storming huffily out of the party and leaving a trail of grease from his hair the attendant dudes and dudettes are left with no-one else to take the piss out of, leaving the speccy one to decide it'd be a great idea to freak someone out in an internet chatroom.
And how will they achieve this?
Go on, guess.
Finding an innocent victim in the shapely form of a babysitter named Stacy, our short sighted stud begins to type.
Hey...Isn't this where we came in?
The sudden online stabbing of a big boobed brunette whilst everyone watches kinda ruins the party atmosphere for the guests so Zane sends everyone home whilst he stands around looking into the middle distance surround by beefy types saying things like "Whoa dude" and "That was radical!" a lot.
But give them their dues, this is probably the only time they'll ever appear on film outside gay porn.
Anyway, arriving home after the party Ashley and Proxy are still unsure about what they've seen.
Was it real or fake?
Well there's only one way to find out and that's to go online to try it for themselves.
Managing to find one of the less fit guys from the party Ashley begins to type "I did it for the lulz"...
More stabbing and a wee bit of throat slashing follows.
And then Smiley appears to wave at our mentalist Missy.
As if he could see her.
Becoming even more paranoid than usual Ashley begins to think she's being stalked by the spud faced slasher, seeing him everywhere from college to her bedroom.
But how can can that be possible if he's only an urban legend?
Has the fear of Smiley somehow released him from the internet and made him flesh?
Well potato but you know what I mean.
|Insert cock here.|
|Anne Frankenstein: Shelf.|
|Cock and balls....never touched the sides.|
|Gallagher: fancy trainers, sucky lips.|