Another day, another part of my birthday boxset...
Evil multinational oil company Badman Co. are busy digging huge random holes somewhere in the American backwoods - as oil companies do - when, after attempting to move an abandoned outside toilet with about 40 sticks of dynamite uncover what can only be described as a Stargate for dwarfs with a spooky blue flame hovering above it.
Ignoring the well known fact that such a phenomena could indicate the presence of natural gas and potentially blow everyone to fuck our fearless band of roughnecks continue blowing stuff up causing the flame to snuff it and a huge CGI wolf to appear in it's place and eat all the oil workers.
|"Teeth in mah mooth!"|
Meanwhile back in town the nasty, balding executive in charge of Badman Oil Ned Stark (Star Trek: Voyager and Gremlins 2's Picardo) is busy going door-to-door in an effort to convince the local townsfolk to sell him their houses so that he can dig them up too.
Whilst a few citizens are concerned most our won over by Stark's secret weapon. No, not a gold and red armoured suit but his newly acquired lawyer Maria (Varela from Blade 2 and Dallas sporting some very nice tattoos), a local gal turned big city hotshot.
You see in an act of cunning the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Blackadder's Baldrick breathed his last, Stark reckons that the locals are more likely to listen to 'one of their own' - and the sheriffs daughter to boot - when it comes to his business proposition.
Unfortunately for him, Maria begins to get more and more disillusioned with her boss' evil ways (you know the type of stuff, shouting at the local shopkeepers, calling everyone 'hicks', wearing brown shoes with a black suit etc.) and ever closer to her jury duty dodging ex-boyfriend Yale Locke (Jason London), especially when anybody who actually sells out to Stark is almost immediately eaten by a big hairy wild dog.
Or could it be a supernatural type monster wolf?
Or even a, gulp, Monsterwolf (one word)?
Well the police, led by the roguishly moustached Sheriff Lennie Bennett (Feast 2's Macaulay) reckon it has to be a wild animal of some kind but after it attempts to eat Maria, gets squashed by a truck and then scoffs the drunken driver locked in a prison cell the authorities aren't too sure, leading our heroes (alongside comedy sidekick Cannock Chase played by actor/director Furst) to visit the local native American cum cliche ridden mystic Chief Turner (full time rent an ethnic Reevis).
|Guns don't kill people, skin tight nipple revealing vest tops do. Possibly.|
With Turner waxing lyrical about loopy lupine legends, native American history and his plans to defiantly oppose Stark, our oil intoxicated bad man has only one course of action left him.
Yup you guessed it, he hires a band of professional mercenaries led by part-time Idris Elba alike and full time sex beast Coughlin (Eyez) to kill everyone who opposes Stark's plans.
Starting with Chief Turner.
|And the difference between this and a fox?....about 6 pints.|
As the mean arsed mercenaries draw ever closer, Turner explains to our heroes (via a fantastic animated flashback sequence worthy of Yo Gabba Gabba) that killing the wolf requires a tribal sacrifice.
A life for a life if you will.
And with Maria being the only other member of the tribe left (turns out she's adopted, I mean what are the chances?) her chances of making it thru' to the final reel alive is beginning to look about as slim as the movies characterizations.
Will eco-bollocks flower power save the day?
Will the mercenaries shoot everyone before returning to Manilla for some undisclosed reason?
Will Maria and Locke get to enjoy an 'R' rated sex scene where they at least get to remove their trousers?
Will Stark win the hearts and minds of the locals and eventually revenge the sacking of Winterfell?
And will Maria survive her fight to the death with our furry fanged fiend?
Or will the big bad wolf eat her whole?
I'm just asking because they usually spit that bit out.
From jobbing music vid' guy to straight to DVD hack for hire (in the nicest way of course) Todor Chapkanov - he who gave us Thor: Hammer of the Gods, Miami Magma and the snakes vs. cowboy classic Copperhead - comes probably the best Robert Picardo starring monster Wolf vs. oil exec' movies ever made.
True the plot's so old it's positively creaking and the movies cliché count goes so far off the scale it begins to bleep like the Chernobyl reactor about the 20 minute mark but it's at least watchable and, more importantly enjoyable too.
Unlike a lot of high budget fayre we've been subjected to recently.
The pace is bright and breezy, the main characters likeable, the black-hatted villain hissable and while some of the CGI appears to have been rendered on an Amiga this only adds to the movies retro charm.
That and it's abject silliness.
Plus you name another movie where a cartoon wolf mysteriously (and without reason) turns into a giant lightning bolt in order to blow up the bad guys helicopter whilst a former Star Trek regular (and by all accounts the directors niece if her acting is anything to go by) look on in terror.