Thursday, October 2, 2014

autopilot.

Was wondering recently where all the horror movies set on aeroplanes had gone.

Oh look, there's one....How lucky is that?

Well not very if you're a passenger on flight...

7500 (2014).
Dir:  Takashi Shimizu.
Cast: Jamie Chung, Ryan Kwanten, Amy Smart, Nicky Whelan, Ben Sharples, Scout Taylor-Compton, Rick Kelly, Christian Serratos, Leslie Bibb, Jerry Ferrara, Aja Evans, Alex Frost, Johnathon Schaech and Rick Kelly.






Welcome one and all to Flight 7500, just an average plane ferrying a motley assortment of well loved cliched characters from fog bound L.A. to sunny Tokyo.

Those boarding include the instantly forgettable Jenn (Evans), her boyfriend Jack (Dave Foley-alike Sharples) who are looking forward to spending their vacation with their equally photo-fit pals Brad (Home And Away's chubby cheeked Kwanten) and his square-faced ex Pia (Smart). Yup the pair have secretly split up but have kept it a secret to save ruining the holiday.

Hmmm....let's see how that works out for you.

Also along for the ride are (deep breath) a horse-faced chancer Jake (Frost), Lance a wooden businessman travelling with an even more wooden box (Kelly), the worried and period skipping Raquel (Serratos), mismatched newlyweds Rick (Ferrara) and Liz (Neighbours Pepper Steiger herself, Whelan) and token goth gal Jacinta (Taylor-Compton from loads of stuff), a character who not only appears to be constructed from Lego - honestly you could slash your wrists on her chin - but whose only purpose seems to be to talk about death for a bit in the hope of reminding viewers that this is a spooky movie and not a true life disaster film.

Which is nice work if you can get it.

Kelly Osbourne farted....and it was an eggy one.

Don't worry tho' dear viewers as the intolerable soap shenanigans don't end there as we've also got to put up with the excruciating fact that air hostesses Laura (chinny Bibb) is having an affair with married Captain Peter Haining; better known for writing - and rewriting all those non fiction Doctor Who books in the 80's -  (Schaech, bless you) and that poor Suzy (Sucker Punch popette Chung) is having second thoughts about her fiance.

The scariest thing so far tho' is that this entire info-dump takes place within the first 5 minutes of the movie meaning by this point my brain had started to dribble out of my eye sockets as I tried to remember who was who and who'd shags what and when.

Luckily for what was left of my mind things soon brightened up when the plane hits a pocket of turbulence which inadvertently causes Lance to start coughing up blood whilst pulling what can only be described as your dad's cum face.

Which I must admit brightened the film up no end.

Feeling all heroic, bashful Brad offers to help (in a medical way that is, not by offering to bring him to a satisfying climax) but to no avail as poor Lance dies in a spluttering tear soaked heap on the chair as the rest of the passengers look on in mild apathy.

Laura, being a professional cracks open the free peanuts and offers everyone a drink before informing pilot Peter of the unfortunate event in club class and Peter, knowing about flying and stuff, decides to continue on the flight path to Japan because planes can't land on the ocean.

See? This is educational too.


Bert from Suede's proposal took DLT by surprise.


The passengers, it has to be said, take everything in their stride until that is the stewards are forced to move them all to economy due to first class being used to store dead bodies.

As you can guess much grumpiness ensues followed by 50 minutes of random smoke effects, a couple of spooky hands grabbing folk, some strobe lighting and random clips of Bill Shatner from The Twilight Zone.

No really, can you imagine any airline actually showing the gremlin on a plane episode during a flight?

Fear not tho' dear reader because if that wasn't enough to show that there must be something creepy happening on the plane a totally superfluous subplot concerning a Japanese shinigami death doll appears from nowhere so as just to hammer home the fact that everyone might, in fact, already be dead and just not know it yet....

Possibly.

 


"Are you looking at my bra?"


Poor old Takashi Shimizu, I mean you've got to feel sorry for him even if his tale of woe has been told a thousand times before, which is a few thousand times less than this plot obviously but I digress.

Yup, after scaring us shitless with such classics as Ju-on The Grudge, Ju-on 2, Marebito and, um, Shock Labyrinth our reluctant hero was sneakily seduced by the Yankee dollar (and the offer of filming Sarah Michelle Geller in a comfy sweater) and forced to remake his classic The Grudge (but this time minus any scary bits) before being set packing back to Japan with a fly in his ear and a sad stain on his copybook.

You'd have think he'd have learned his lesson but oh no, he returned to bring us quite possibly the blandest spook show ever committed to celluloid.

And trust me, I sat thru' the whole of Robert Powell's The Survivor in one sitting.

Which is more than director David Hemmings ever did.


Who cares why Jesus is dressed as the gayest Spectrum agent ever, I just want to know who stole Jenny Agutter's other leg.





Playing out like a TV movie version of a rejected episode of the aforementioned Twilight Zone, 7500 commits the greatest crime that a twisty/turny supernatural thriller can ever do in the fact that:

A. The 'twist' ending couldn't be more obvious if it were paraded passed painted onto the side of camels during the title sequence.

B. It's not even remotely spooky.

and

C. Did I mention the ending?

Acting wise everyone involved tries their best which given the material they have to work with seems to consist of either looking vaguely worried or mildly concerned isn't saying much, tho' admittedly Leslie Bibb does pull quite a sexy scream faced when one of the other characters is eaten by an overhead locker.

No really.

Avoid.

Unless you have a fetish for air steward uniforms that is.

2 comments:

Kitty Trundle said...

okay, the pic of Rob Powell in 'the Survivor' is funny-as-fuck in CONTEXT (truth-be-told, i loved that film), but frankly, 'the Survivor' was a better-constructed film than '7500'. AND better-acted/performed/'thespianized'.

And no matter her other failings, K. Osbourne's got a luscious bum. Let's not accidentally-piss-off Caitlin Moran on THAT tack, considering all she's [beautifully] said on the topic of 'body-image'.

Ashton Lamont said...

Speaking of which, thought you may approve (if you haven't seen it) : http://tinyurl.com/hwwb5ph