Saturday, January 17, 2015

savage garden.

And if all that pasty flesh wasn't enough to start your year with a yawn here's a quick review for you.

Saw this way back in February but couldn't bring myself to revisit it until now.

Only actually remembered about it cos it's nearly Frightfest time and a group of us had been discussing what movies we hated last year...

Apologies if I appear a wee bit more vitriolic than usual, I've just spent a week writing an article about Labyrinth for Multitude of Movies so the lack of chances to mention mooth shite and the like has gotten to me.

Are you ready?

Then let's begin.





Savaged (2013)
Dir: Michael S. Ojeda.
Cast:  Amanda Adrienne, Tom Ardavany, Ronnie Gene Blevins, Rodney Rowland, Ernie Charles and your dad and his friend from football.

Probably.

Horse faced deaf chick Zoe (Adrienne) has decided to drive cross country in order to go live with her instantly forgettable boyfriend.

Which would be nice if this were a romantic comedy starring Tom Hanks but unfortunately it isn't, in fact it's more like the results of an unholy back alley bumfest between The Crow and I Spit On Your Grave that's been delivered by an alcoholic, hook handed doctor.

And not in a good way.

Anyway back to 'the plot' where her journey is rudely interrupted by a family of laughably cliched inbred bad boy brothers, led by the laughably fey Trey (Grange Hills Rowland) who decide to kidnap and brutally (is there any other way?) rape our equestrian heroine.

Mr. A. Badboy threatens to shoot an entirely different kind of load to the one your mum is used to over a woman's face yesterday.


Once they're finished with her (but not before wiping their rancid cocks on the curtains and by that I mean had a sandwich), the randy rednecks shoot her in the head, bury her in a field and leave her for dead.

Something we can all identify with doing I'm sure.

Luckily a passing Native American graveyard attendant cum witch doctor named Fred West (Ardavany, the bloke that animates Wallace and Gromit I think) digs her up and re-animates her with his mystical powers.

As you would in this situation.

Wouldn't you know it tho', the resurrection ceremony goes a wee bit wrong and the vengeful spirit of an Apache Chief  (who just happens to have been killed by an ancestor of one of the rascally rapists) hitches a ride back with Zoe in a makeshift attempt to extract his revenge and reclaim his skull, which the boys are currently using as a novelty ashtray.

"Shite in mah previously violently violated mooth ya inbred bastards!"


Realising his mistake, West explains the whole dead/not dead/possessed/revenge situation to a surprisingly understanding Zoe (either that or she can't make out what he's saying) going on to explain that although she looks alive that her flesh is actually decaying at a normal rate so any revenge taking had better be quick.

Which begs the question why bother resurrecting her in the first place?

Apart from for a laugh obviously.

Cue forty odd minutes of disembowelment, sundry stabbings and a scalping as the gang scratch their heads and try to figure out what's going on.

Unlike the poor audience who are busy scratching their arses and wondering what they've done to deserve such shite.

As the film lips bow-leggedly toward its climax the remaining gang members decide to kidnap Zoe's boyfriend, who spent the last few days (and most of his savings) on photocopying loads of 'have you seen me?' pictures and pinning them up around town.

Which would have been a good idea had he not mistakenly been sticking up pictures of Mr. Ed instead.

They might be smiling now but just wait till the mooth shite-in starts.

Barricaded inside a deserted shed and armed to the teeth with all manner of (non sexual) assault weapons our bad band sit in and wait for Zoe to return.

And return she does Zoe carrying with her the Chief's favourite (and fairly impressive it has to be said) tomahawk as well as his not as impressive knife as unintentional laughs and gratuitous shots of Adrienne's painfully skinny knees abound as she/he seeks attempts to finish her mentalist maiden massacre whilst hiding from her concerned boyfriend and before one or both of her legs drop off.

No, really.

Seriously I'm not making this shite up.

"Aye hen!"


Imagine a feminist version of the crow written by an overly serious 14 year old boy who'd never seen a film before and you're halfway there, tedious, hilarious and arse numbingly bad in equal measures and with a star so thin that when she turns sideways she appears to drop thru' the sprocket holes in the film.

Savaged is either so cleverly post modern, featuring as it does the juxtaposition of the defiling of the Native American with that of the modern woman as to make it way too intelligent for the likes of me or just utter unadulterated shite with more unintentional laughs than a Comic Relief report on starving kids.

Either way it's entertaining enough and has a climax that'll haunt you forever.

Just not in the way the director was intending.

Or was he?


Perhaps we'll never know.

And frankly I for one don't care.

The end.

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