The kids are still on holiday and this is what they've chosen as todays viewing pleasure.
They must really hate me.
The Mighty Gorga (1969)
Dir: David L Hewitt.
Cast: Anthony Eisley, Megan Timothy, Scott Brady, Kent Taylor and a huge monkey.
Did I say the Congo cos it sounds just like Dudley on a Friday night if I'm honest.
But unlike my home town it's soon revealed that the skulls aren't just there to scare away peg-selling gypsies but are actually part of a hastily constructed sacrificial altar to which a buxom 'native' girl is tied, wriggling and writhing to free herself as a huge hairy shadow looms overhead.
Which does indeed beg the question as to how a shadow can be hairy.
Must be dust on the print.
Meanwhile in the good ol' US of A, Mark Remington (Eisley - star of The Wasp Woman and Journey To The Centre Of Time amongst other classics, oh and Knots Landing) the devilishly handsome, hard drinking, chain smoking - but not too surprisingly with those vices skint - owner of a circus needs money quick if he's to save his business.
Believing that only a fantastic new exhibit will wow the kids back under his big top (sounds rude) he uses his remaining cash to finance a trip to Africa in the hopes of being able to 'hook up' with world famous trapper - and owner of the best porn name never used - Tonga Jack (Brides of Blood's Taylor).
You see Tonga has recently written to Mark regarding a legendary giant ape thing that lives in the Congo (but not on Um Bongo) reckoning that it might just be the attraction he's looking for.
Unsurprisingly Mark plans to capture the beast using a bag of bananas and a huge mousetrap and pop him in his circus clad in a top hat and revolving bowtie.
What could possibly go wrong with this plan?
On arrival in Africa Mark first decides to visit a local zoo - giving the director ample opportunity to pad out the film with grainy stock footage of wild animals - to 'study' apes in their natural habitat (because we all know that they really enjoy living in tiny concrete cells) before heading out into the jungle to meet up with Tonga so they can start the adventure - and by default the film - good and proper.
Tho' it makes you wonder what the animals, carnies and dwarves he's left back home are living on seeing as he's spent all the cash on what appears to be a holiday.
|"Fiona where's mah lunch?"|
Being a mere woman and not knowing anything about manly pursuits like trapping and the like it turns out that she's spent all the money on pink fizz, make-up and scratchcards so her business is in financial trouble too.
If that wasn't enough strife for one film it turns out that a rival trapper, Dan 'no nickname' Morgan (Sheriff Frank from Gremlins himself, Brady) is obsessed with getting his dirty-nailed sausage fingers not just on Tonga's compound but on - and in - poor April too and will stop at nothing to achieve these aims, including setting fire to the animals kept therein.
Which does beg the question as to why he'd want to buy a burnt out, animal-less building in the middle of the jungle but each to their own.
Mark, being a smooth talking kinda fella - and desperate for some lovin' - offers to split the cash he'll get for capturing the massive monkey with April if she'll help him, subtly mentioning the huge bag of gold guarded by the ape during the conversation too.
What a guy.
Jumping for joy (luckily she's wearing a good bra) at the thought of all that cash and no doubt at the thought of massive monkey cock - c'mon she has needs too - April decides to join the adventure so armed only with a cap gun, aided by three extras from the Black and White minstrel show and using a crayoned map made by her missing dad the dynamic duo head off into the jungle.
|"Where are those fucking Chewits?"|
Making their way further and further into the dense jungle (OK, the park behind the directors house) Mark is - fairly - surprised when he stumbles across a towering plateau populated by dinosaurs.
Tho' to be honest how you can just 'stumble across a plateau' really confuses me.
We've no time to think about such trivialities tho' as April has come across some giant eggs and wanting to prove herself to be a real woman to Mark she's decided they'd be great boiled and served with toast.
Whilst attempting to find a pot big enough to pop them in Mark and April are shocked when the mummy dinosaur, returning from the shops after buying nappies decides to attack them.
Our hero lets rip with his cap gun firing at what appears to be a child's toy held up close to the camera whilst a bored technician goes "Grrarrr!" a lot but all seems lost when they discover that plastic dinosaurs are impervious to bullets.
Luckily the Mighty Gorga arrives in the nick of time and in a scene as ludicrous as it is insane (especially on this budget) wrestles the scary Tyrannosaurus to death.
|"Put it in me!"|
He plans to drug - the 40 foot high - gorilla then roll him down the mountain on bumper sized discarded kitchen roll tubes onto a waiting airplane before flying him back to the States and his circus.
Let's be honest it really is a crap plan but a plan never the less.
|Fuck me it's Fred Titmuss!|
Will Mark's plan succeed?
Will a scary tribe turn up wanting to sacrifice April to the monkey?
And will she find her dad?*
There's only one way to find out cos if I had to sit thru' this then you can too.
Usually this is the bit where I go into the films background, it's director, cast etc. but I really don't have the words to adequately sum up the experience of watching The Mighty Gorgo, it's easier just to list five main reasons why it must be seen.
1. They could only afford the top half of a gorilla suit so you only see Gorgo from the waist up.
2. According to this movie there are only three real black people in Africa - everyone else is a white person covered in gravy browning.
3. A man in (the top half of) a gorilla suit fighting a kiddies toy dinosaur toy held shoddily close to the camera.
4. Anthony Eisley's quiff.
5. Megan Timothy's eyebrows and arse.
Buy it now or more realistically just watch the trailer on Youtube even tho' if I'm honest that requires way more effort than this film deserves.
*In case you really can't be arsed the answer is yes and yes to the last two by the way.