tiny toon.

Been really busy with work stuff and meetings the last few days so apologies for the brevity of this review.

Tho' to be honest it's not like anyone is reading them.

Terror Toons (2002).
Dir: Joe Castro.
Cast: Kerry Liu, Lizzy Borden, Beverly Lynne,Brandon Ellison and Fernando Padilla.

In a quiet neighbourhood in 'anytown' USA, two 'teenage' sisters , Cindy and Candy (Lynn and Borden* who, if I'm honest look old enough to not only have their own place by now but a couple of kids - and grandkids too - or maybe it's just the lighting, no they just look really old) have been left home alone by their parents for the evening.

And by home alone I mean left in the house, not the hit Christmas classic which if I'm honest would have been better.

 Scarily enough the parents are actually played by two men, the director being under the misapprehension that covering a guys face in flour makes them look female.

Can I just say that over the years literally dozens of directors have covered my face in various substances and not once have they remarked on how feminine it made me look.

Anyway, Cindy receives a mysterious DVD in the mail from the Devil himself (as you do) and decides to watch it.

As you would I guess.

Whilst all this digital media shite is going down Candy is amusing herself downstairs with her 'buddies' (as in she's dancing, it's not a euphemism for masturbation) unaware that by watching the disc her sister has unintentionally unleashed the hordes of Hell (well, two of them) on Earth in the form of Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin.

And if you think the Devil is bad, wait till you see the quality of the puppet makers he has working for him.

Inside Patrick Harvie's mind.

As the body count (and pants flashing action) rises Cindy realizes that she is the only one with the power to stop these evil cartoons from continuing their insane (ly average) murder spree.

Can she save her friends?....or will everyone die?
 

And does anyone care?

Can't be arsed with a caption, sorry.

Aaaah, Joe Castro.

When his name appears on a video box in the capacity of 'director' you know you're in for a treat, he's the 'genius' behind such modern day classic as Legend of The Chupacabra, The Young, The Gay and The Restless and Jackhammer plus creator of the stunning effects for movies as wide ranging as Near Death, Blood Feast 2 and Another Gay Movie as well as Arena favourite LA Zombie.

And he certainly delivers the goods with this film.

Unfortunately the goods are bashed, busted and well passed their sell by date.

Welcome to a world where mom's have five o'clock shadows, the supposed 14 year old heroines have all had (botched) boob jobs and the greatest party game for teens at parties is 'strip Ouija'.

Oh and the Devil looks like your granddad with one horn bigger than the other.

So my actual life if I'm honest.

"Put it in me!"

And whilst the acting is non existent and the cast have the look of dazed and confused deer trapped in the headlights of an upcoming car about them - during the extras one of the cast can't remember making the film and another tells how she can't remember lines so she just made dialogue up on the spot - and the 'special' effects seem to consist of random animal puppets popping up from behind furniture every few minutes the film does have a certain homely charm and in some cases it's cheapness is kinda sweet, for example when any of the female cast get bitten by the toons it always cuts to a monkey biting a man's shin. 

No matter what the actresses wearing we get this same shot......

And it does feature the best 'is this terror or is this my cum face?' acting ever to appear on celluloid.....

Plus what other movie can you think of that ends with a rat arsed Lucifer battling with a wanna be porn star playing a 15 year old dressed in a superhero 'costume' consisting of some pimp shades, a tea towel cape, pink vest top and huge black granny pants?

"Meow!" probably.

 

Plus if you actually make it to the end the pay-off is divine - after killing the toons and defeating Satan the 'teens' are reprimanded by their returning parents for having a party in the house and trashing the place.

Beautiful.

Well someone must have thought so seeing as there are 5, yes 5, sequels.


Fuck I'm going to be busy over Christmas.

















































*Who as an interesting aside used to be able to fist her own mouth but unfortunately can't anymore because she's had her wisdom teeth removed.