Arena Of The Unwell: dino-sore.

Real life shite has been getting in the way of late (I leave that to my 'real' blog so had precious little time to watch anything recently and when I do I seem to be gravitating toward the old classics.

And by classics I mean utter rubbish.

Enjoy.

The Last Dinosaur (1977).

Dir: Alexander Grasshoff and Tsugunobu Kotani

Cast: Richard Boone, Joan Van Ark, Steven Keats, Luther Rackley, Masumi Sekiya, William Ross, Carl Hansen, Tetsu Nakamura, Nancy Magsig, Don Maloney, Vanessa Cristina, Hyoe Enoki, Shunsuke Kariya, Toru Kawai and Tatsumi Nikamoto.

"You told me! You swore to all of us that we were not going to harm the dinosaur! We were only supposed to take film and study it!"

Welcome to the world of Masten Thrust jr. (Ex-Michael Elphick starring teevee show and American screen stalwart Boone) - the mighty man-tittied and gin soaked multimillionaire owner of the amusingly monikered Thrust Inc. who, when not using a manned laser drill to search for oil under the polar ice caps, is busy inappropriately touching (much) younger women and shooting wild animals in the face.

Imagine, if you will, an animatronic melting meat sculpture of Tony Stark powered by piss and gin with the libido and pulling power of Donald Trump and you're halfway there.

We first come across our man-breasted hero as he's attempting to seduce a (much) younger girl in his (animal) corpse filled apartment, luckily this sexual harassment case waiting to happen is interrupted by a phone call from Thrust's office. It seems that his companies latest expedition accidentally ended up in an underground 'lost world' where all the crew save one were eaten by a dinosaur.

No, really.

And with that Masten jets off to Japan (well it is co-produced with Tokusatsu) to find out the full story.

Holding a press conference with the aforementioned team survivor, geologist Chuck Wade (Tombstone toothed Keats from Death Wish and Silent Rage), Masten announces that he's leading a second expedition himself in order to study (but not kill, oh no) the dinosaur (now discovered to be the last Tyrannosaurus Rex in existence, tho' how they know that I'm not sure) in its natural habitat alongside Chuck, a Masai tracker named Bunta (American professional basketball 'star' Rackley), eminent dinosaur expert Dr. Kawamoto (actor and singer Nakamura from the classic Space Amoeba) and the Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer Frankie Banks (Dallas' Valene Ewing herself and the voice of Spider-Woman in the 1979 animated series, Van Ark).

Masten is initially skeptical about Banks joining the expedition because she's a woman but she soon convinces him of her suitability thru' a mix of showing him her photography work taken in various war zones and stripping naked at a party before taking him back to her hotel room and licking his pock-marked face.

Because feminism obviously.

And with that they're on their way!

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

As our intrepid team approach the Polar Borer (cunningly played by something you'd find in your mums 'secret' drawer), the first thing we notice is how fucking small the 'full size' prop is. Seriously it's like two garden bins stuck together and sprayed silver, I mean you'd be hard pushed to fit Richard Boone's gut in it let alone the rest of the cast. Tho' this may be a cunning way of making the rest of the special effects and props look really good, I mean if you can take this seriously then you'll have no problem when the massive cardboard Pteranodon appears wobbling against a painted backdrop when our crew come ashore in cave-land.

Tho' to be fair it might just be that the whole thing is fucking threadbare.

Anyway, once they do actually come ashore - and after being almost trampled to death by a passing Uintatherium, Masten orders Dr. Kawamoto to set up camp, whilst he, Chuck, Bunta and Frankie head into the woods to find the pesky Tyrannosaurus Rex.

And maybe a kebab shop.

Or even an off-licence.

Luckily with this being a fairly short film it's not long before the magnificent beast reveals itself to one and all, stomping thru the trees as it chases Frankie in an attempt to eat her whole.

Tho' I've heard it usually spits that bit out.

I thank you.

As an aside I really think it's important to point out that it's not any old fucker with an Equity card playing the Tyrannosaurus Rex tho', oh no, it is in fact the mighty Toru Kawai - famed Japanese stunt man and actor best known for playing Godzilla in Terror of Mechagodzilla as well as doubling for Ultraman Ace, Ultraman Taro and Ultraman Leo and also playing Gamera - which is the equivalent of royalty on this blog.

Nuff said.

"I 'squeeze your head!"

Masten excitedly pulls out his massive weapon with the aim of emptying it's hot content into the dinosaurs mouth (OK he pulls out a rifle in an attempt to shoot it in the face) but the beast keeps moving, causing the gun to jam and Masten to get all huffy and throw it at away before stomping off and hiding in some bushes, quickly followed by the rest of the team.

Little do they realize tho' that they are being followed by a tribe of comedy toothed, black up Japanese extras pretending to be neanderthals who are, in turn being followed by a kleptomaniac cave woman with very dirty feet (Sekiya best know for Special Investigation Unit and the manga adaptation Nippon bijo monogatari: onna no naka no onna) who is busy stealing everything the explorers discard.

Not including their dignity obviously.

"Boiled onions!"

Whilst all this decidedly non-PC raceplay is going on the Tyrannosaurus Rex has made it's way to the camp where it's come across Dr Kawamoto cooking up a huge pot of bangers and mash for dinner.

Not too surprisingly the beast kills Kawamoto before scoffing the food, smashing up the camp and finally picking up the Polar Borer in its mouth and carrying it off to its bone-filled lair where for absolutely no reason, a Triceratops bursts out of a wall and fights him.

To be fair tho' this scene is utter genius and not just for the fact that the front end of the Triceratops is played by Tatsumi Nikamoto, who also did stunt work on Ultraman Leo and Ultra Seven plus played Titanosaurus in Terror of Mechagodzilla.

No idea who played the back end tho'.

As the battle rages 'tween these two titans of terror, the Triceratops draws first blood but is soon countered with a kick to the head from our Tyrannosaurus pal in a fight that is as long as it is bloody (and bloody ludicrous).

I could wax lyrical for hours about this battle but frankly I can't be arsed so I wont, suffice to say that the Tyrannosaurus eventually wins by stomping on the Triceratops' face before heading off for a nap.

"Laugh Now!"

Whilst all this top quality action is going down our merry band have returned to the base camp to find it utterly trashed and the Polar Borer missing which causes Masten to storm off in a bigger rage than ever, vowing to kill the beast as he heads off to find a cave to live in.

No really.

Jump forward 4 months and the whole group are eking out a meager existence hunting rabbits whilst Frankie plays den-mother to everyone (in between flirting with Masten and Chuck that is).

But it's not all happy families and furtive shags tho' as the cavemen are becoming braver and start coming ever closer to our merry bands hideout.

And they've now started carrying pointy sticks.

Chuck suggests that they should form an alliance with the natives but Masten violently disagrees, constructing a makeshift crossbow in order to kill their leader and scare the rest of them away.

Bizarrely this not only succeeds in scaring them away but to also attract the thieving cave girl to our heroes cave where she attempts to return all the shit she's stolen/found over the last few months including the telescopic sight from Masten's rifle.

This has the effect of making him letch over her instead of Frankie (for a change) and giving her the name 'Hazel' due to the nutty smell emanating from her arsehole.

Frankie isn't too bother by this turn of events tho' (she's probably glad of a break from being prodded by Masten's big bloated sausage fingers) as she now has someone to help her wash her hair and prepare dinner for the men.

And no I'm not making this shit up.

Tunnel or funnel?

And it's during one of these girly hair washing sessions 'tween Frankie and Hazel that the Tyrannosaurus reappears ready to strike. Frankie takes refuge in nearby cave whilst Hazel legs it into the bushes leaving Bunta and Chuck to fashion a rope made from Masten's wiry pubes (OK from local shrubbery) that they tie around a big boulder before Bunta lassos the other end around the dinosaurs tail and finally rolling the boulder done a hill giggling to themselves as the poor beast rolls after it, coming to a violent halt in a pond and banging its head.

This only manages to make Masten even more angry than usual and - after slapping Hazel (she loves it!) he starts collecting (well, orders Buntato start collecting) loads of wood in order to build a giant catapult to kill the beast with.

"Monsta!"

Will Masten's frankly bonkers plan succeed?

Will Chuck find the Polar Borer and attempt to persuade Frankie to leave with him?

Will it turn out that the films title actually refers to Masten rather than the Tyrannosaurus Rex (because technically it's not the last dinosaurs as there are loads of others wandering about but also because it's not a literal title)?

And does anyone actually care?

From the fevered mind of cartoonist, writer, artist and letterer William Overgard (best known for his sterling inks of the American adventure comic strip Steve Roper and Mike Nomad between 1954 and 1985) comes this testosterone tinged tale of big beasts, bigger egos and baggy dinosaur suits that feels as out of time as the dinosaurs on screen.

Originally pitched to ABC as a movie of the week as a standard "great white hunter goes back in time to kill a dinosaur" actioner, it was rejected in favour of a rock musical remake of King Kong (which luckily never happened) before being dragged back to the pitch meeting and retooled as a full blown theatrical release.

Unfortunately the company he took it to was the stop-motion/seasonal fayre film purveyors Rankin/Bass Productions (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964), The Little Drummer Boy (1968), and Frosty the Snowman (1969) among other classics) who although fantastic when it came to animation - Mad Monster Party is one of my all time faves) weren't really well known (if at all) for their gritty action output.

Luckily they had links with Japan due to them outsourcing many of their 'Animagic' animated productions which were headed up by Japanese stop-motion animator Tadahito Mochinaga at his studio, MOM Productions so it was only a matter of time before those masters of monster mayhem Tsuburaya Productions (founded by special effects God Eiji (Ultraman and Godzilla) Tsuburaya in 1963) became involved with the job of bringing the terrifying dinosaurs to life.

"Chase me now!"

Unfortunately the dollar to yen exchange rate at the time must have been really low as the effects on show aren't up to the studios usual standards.

And yes I'm being kind.

But effects aren't everything (ask Doctor Who)* and film usually lives or dies by the performances on screen.

It's a pity then that The Last Dinosaur has a massive, gin-soaked angry misogynist with really crap hair at its heart.

Drunkenly stumbling 'tween leching over women young enough to be his (grand) daughter and either shouting at them or slapping them before obviously sobering up enough to apologize, Richard Boone's performance is at once hysterical and terrifying whilst everyone else on screen just wanders around looking uncomfortable.

Especially the myriad of women that are forced to pretend to fall for his ample charms.

Seriously, Masumi Sekiya looks like a deer caught in headlights when she has to lay down next to him and to be honest I'd rather take my chances with the dinosaur, at least its fingers would be small enough to gently unfasten my bra** and not leave greasy bruises on my shoulders.

Or bite marks.

True Joan Van Ark tries to bring a wee bit of gravitas to the proceedings but the writers are unsure if she's meant to be a hardened news photographer ala Elizabeth ‘Lee’ Miller or a simpering girl unable to cope without shampoo or make-up whilst Steven Keats just stands about complaining or being shouted at.

I'd say that Luther Rackley comes out best seeing as he has absolutely no dialogue but looking back he is forced to wear tiny shorts and shake a spear a lot so I reckon he deserves our pity too and I'm not going to mention the state of the blacked up, comedy toothed cavemen for fear of cancellation.

Only I just did.

Damn it.

Hat.

I was going to say something about the direction but all I can think of is that even Academy Award-nominated directors like Alex Grasshoff can have an off-day.

Seriously his Kolchak episodes are top notch as is Backwards: The Riddle Of Dyslexia, a film he directed for the American television anthology series ABC Afterschool Special in 1984 starring River and Joaquin Phoenix.

See?

This blog is educational too.

Luckily Tsugunobu Kotani is on hand to film the monster bits, which he does by nonchalantly pointing the camera at them and hoping they're in focus, which to be fair they sometimes are.

So does the movie actually have anything remotely going for it?

Well the title song "He's the Last Dinosaur", arranged and conducted by Bernard Hoffer and with spot on lyrics by Jules Bass (seriously amazing song writing career for Rankin/Bass, check him out) is a banger and Grammy Award winner Nancy Wilson's vocals are top notch so it's worth watching just for that.

They - and us - deserved a better film.

Good day to you.

*By that I mean classic Doctor Who obviously, if you ask new Who anything you'll probably get a joyless lecture on 'proper' pronoun use before being told the show was never made for you in the first place only to be accused of being racist (or something) for then doing what you were told and not watching.

Probably.