sigh-borg.

It's December which means real life is winding down for the holidays and we here at Unwell Towers get to indulge ourselves with cheesy snacks, copious amounts of alcohol and random movies pulled from the back of the cupboard whilst being struck down with the dreaded winter flu.

Fucking typical.

Cyborg 2087 (1966).

Dir: Franklin Adreon.

Cast: Michael Rennie, Karen Steele, Wendell Corey, Warren Stevens, Eduard Franz, Sherry Alberoni, Harry Carey, Jr., Dale Van Sickel, Troy Melton, John Beck,  Jo Ann Pflug and Larry Dean.

Half Human... Half Machine! Programmed to Kill!

 

The year is 2087, a totalitarian world where motorcycle helmeted androids rule with a rod of iron and form fitting, khaki polyester pantsuits are legally required to be worn by all women.

But not everyone is happy to live in this nightmarish (and fairly beige) world, and so we begin our exciting tale with two scientists (Dean in man-tit disguising black braces and the bewitchingly beehived Pflug, who I will spend the rest of the film thinking about) secretly preparing a time machine in order to send a bequiffed part man/part machine named Garth (Rennie, slumming it for coppers) on a quick trip back to 1966 in order to save humanity from Skynet or something.

To be fair this plot seems vaguely familiar.

Déjà vu?

 

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

 

But just as the pair send the capsule (which looks a wee bit like a giant metallic suppository) back in time a couple of shiny helmeted, elderly badmen burst in and arrest the pair for crimes against bri-nylon.

 Possibly.

Arriving in California at a deserted western town called Desert City, Garth heads off to complete his mission - which we find out involves kidnapping Professor Sigmund Marx (screen stalwart Franz), a scientist whose work welding crash helmets onto monkey's heads will lead to humanities destruction or something so after freezing a bearded man and his 'nephew' (he can't kill anyone in case it changes the future) and stealing their Jeep Garth drives into town to visit Marx in his lab.

 

"Fire engine!"

 

 

Unfortunately Marx is out at a dinner/dance in LA that night and has left his sexy assistant Dr. Sharon Mason (Steele best known for her role as Eve McHuron in the Star Trek episode Mudd's Women) in charge for the day.

This is no problem for Garth tho' as he possesses the power of mental persuasion so with a flick of his wrist and a wee bit of intense staring he convinces Sharon of his mission and gets her on side. 

Not everything is going to plan tho' as Garth hadn't taken daylight saving time into account or something and is now behind schedule meaning that the evil future people have had time to send a pair of terrifying “Tracer Agents” (in reality two fat old men in comedy helmets wearing Kwik Fit overalls and light up kiddies watches - Dale Van Sickel and Troy Melton take a bow) after him in order to prevent him from completing his mission. 

And with that in mind the two of them head off to see Sharon's friend Doctor Zeller (Forbidden Planet's Stevens), an eminent heart surgeon who they task with removing the transmitter from Garth's chest (or a close paper-mache approximation of it) so that they can't track his movements.

With that done, Zeller and Garth borrow a hotrod (no seriously) and head off to the local power station in order to electrocute the Tracers allowing Garth to continue his mission.

Which has gone from kidnapping Marx to offering him a quick trip in the time machine so he can see the dystopian future he'll create first hand and hopefully get him to change his research.

Sounds legit. 

And all while Zeller's hip 'n' happening daughter Laura (ex Mickey Mouse Clubber Alberoni) and her pals frug away to some hit rock n' roll sounds in the living room.

Yowzers!

Unfortunately the Tracers have a description of Garth's car and within minutes have turned up at Zeller's house, smashed the stereo radiogram and chased his daughter around the living room ala The Benny Hill Show.

 

The lights are on.

 

Cue 40 odd minutes of high octane chase scenes (kinda) and action that would shame the makers of the Bourne films as our heroes embark on a (fairly leisurely) race against time to kill the Tracers before they kill Garth.

Or something.

Anyway the plan sorta works and Garth - with the help of Zeller - manage to kill one of the Tracers but as they're celebrating with a big manly hug the other one has sneaked off and kidnapped Sharon, trussing in her up like a big pointy bra wearing turkey in the same deserted town from the films opening so the pair, accompanied by a recently arrived Marx head out to save her.

And to Garth it's personal as he appears to have fallen in love with Sharon and her with him.

Tho' in her case it's probably more to do with all the brain washing shite he was subjecting her to earlier rather than she's got a thing for skinny, turkey necked old men in silver wellingtons.

All this love chat seems to have had an effect on Zeller too seeing as he's just realised that he also fancies Sharon.

Fuck me it's like Eastenders.

 

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse.

 

Will Garth rescue Sharon from the evil Tracer?

Will Marx be convinced to halt his work after a quick jaunt to the bri-nylon future hellscape?

Will everyone forget everything when Garth goes back to the future meaning that Sharon will settle on dating Zeller instead?

And will I ever get over my flu-fueled obsession with Jo Ann Pflug's jumpsuit?

Produced by United Pictures Corporation as part of a series of nine low-budget films intended for TV distribution, Cyborg 2087 is a decidedly lo-fi affair that manages to win you over solely on the performances of the leads,  Jo Ann Pflug's jumpsuit and by the fact that it's always nice to see something else that James Cameron ripped off for The Terminator (I'm looking at you Demon with a Glass Hand and Soldier  - The Outer Limits episode that is, not the Kurt Russell starring unofficial Blade Runner prequel).

It's true that teevee stalwart Franklin (director of episodes of Lassie, Bat Masterson and Sea Hunt among others) Adreon is uninspired and utterly workman-like but given the simplicity of what's on show that's maybe not a bad thing and yes the effects, what there is of them, are threadbare and the 'futuristic' costumes have a distinctly sub 1950s Video Ranger look about them but despite (or because) of all that I must admit I actually had fun watching.

 

"Are you looking at my bra?"

Plus Adreon must have impressed (or been shagging) somebody important as both him and writer Arthur C. Pierce went straight from this to the Jeffrey Hunter starring time travel thriller Dimension 5, which by some strange quirk of fate features Maggie Thrett who also appear in the Star Trek episode Mudd's Women with Karen Steele.

It is indeed a small world.

But I wouldn't want to paint it.

To be fair the film is so inconsequential that there's very little you can say about it but fuck it I enjoyed it and I'm pretty sure it's not just because I'm delirious right now plus it's a damn sight more enjoyable - and honest - than most sci-fi on release of late.

Damning with faint praise?

It's what I do best.