pleasence valley sunday.

Watched this t'other night as it was the closest thing to hand plus strangely enough I'd never seen it before or heard anything about it except for the fact that lead actress Trine Michelsen wore a lovely red frock in it.

So gotta be worth a punt then.

 
Specters (1987).

Dir: Marcello Avallone.

Cast: John R. Pepper, Trine Michelsen, Donald Pleasence, Massimo De Rossi, Matteo Gazzolo, Lavinia Grizi, Riccardo Parisio Perrotti, Laurentina Guidotti, Erna Schürer and Giovanni Tamberi.

 

“If you are very quiet you can hear the distant voices of those who are buried here.”

 

Welcome to downtown Rome where a crew of hard-hatted engineer types are digging a new subway tunnel due to the massive amounts of film crews wanting to film down there after the success of Demons or something.

 

Or was it The Church?

 

It definitely wasn't Deathline tho' cos that was shot in the UK.

 

Saying that, they might be Patrick Troughton fans.

 

But I digress. 

 

Anyway, literally just underneath where they're constructing this new tunnel, eminent Professor of old things Geoff Lasky (a visibly alcohol-oozing Pleasence wearing a dead mans cardigan) is keeping his students busy by getting them to measure various ruins whilst scoffing apples.

 

Seriously there isn't a single scene in the film that doesn't feature a cast member eating/throwing/caressing an apple, it's like the entire thing was sponsored by Granny Smith.

 

Anyway it appears that the whole subway situation has caused the Professors catacomb dig to collapse revealing a hidden tomb with the words “Whether invoked or not invoked, evil will come.” carved above the entrance.

 

Which is nice. 

 

Obviously totally ignoring the warning Lasky and his students start to investigate, soon uncovering what looks like a plaster model of a dolls face with a massive gaping mouth just big enough to pop your cock in.

 

Or a slice of apple.

 

"I love you....could it be magic?"

 

Suddenly and without warning we appear to have traveled thru time and space to a music video for Ultravox circa 1983 where a hunky (well as far as greased-haired Italians can be) young man is driving a lovely young lady (in the aforementioned frankly smashing red dress) along a deserted road.

 

Destination?

 

Love possibly.

 

Although that might be a lie and he may disappear after they park leaving her to fall into the clutches of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

  

Which in fact does actually happen.

 

Don't worry about any girl on fish tomfoolery occurring tho' as the whole thing is actually revealed to be a scene from a video being made for Alice's new pop song "Kiss My Fishlips!" and is quite a nice way of introducing not only our film's heroine Alice (Danish model and actress Michelsen whom you may recognise from Delirium) but her boyfriend - and one of Lasky's assistants Marcus (photographer, theatre director, filmmaker and father of the sheriff from Live And Let Die - Pepper), who's just arrived on set to take her back to his for a wee kiss and cuddle.

 

Unfortunately Alice is a bit pissed of that Marcus is spending so much time digging around in the dirt with Donald Pleasence so tells him in no uncertain terms to fuck off before shouting at her director and a fat sweaty man from the NME and finally storming off to her trailer.

 

Women eh?

 

The entire 80s summed up in one photograph.

 

 

  

 

Meanwhile back at the dig Professor Lasky and his team are busying themselves trying to figure out why anyone would bury sn evil, demonic entity beneath the mausoleum of the Roman Emperor Domitian.

 

"Was it cos they is Pagans?" asks the bespectacled Angelo (De Torrebruna, like anyone reading cares) helpfully whilst Barbara ('star' of You Disturb Me - Grizi) fiddles with her hair.

We never get to hear Lasky's reply tho' as we're suddenly following the oldest group of school kids in the world - led by Strip Nude For Your Killer's Erna Schürer and a depressingly nihilistic blind guide named Matteo (De Rossi wearing Peter Bark's discarded wig) - on a day trip around the catacombs.

 

 

"Hello it's the blind man, is anyone home?"

 

 

 

It wont come as any surprise to find that two of the students, Mike (Gazzolo from Umberto Lenzi's House of Lost Souls) and his ball-faced girlfriend Maria (latter day film producer Guidotti) are way more interested in sneaking off for a wee cuddle than traipsing around a damp muddy cave with some guy who looks like Jimmy Nail off Temu, so the pair decide to take a detour through an unmarked catacomb for some 80s style kissy kissy action involving double denim and bubble perms.

 

This however is soon interrupted firstly by a lone rat, followed by a huge gust of supernatural wind and finally a collapsing ceiling.

 

To be fair they'd be fucking quids in on You've Been Framed.

 

 

"Put it in me!"

 

Luckily no-one is hurt and the pair are promptly taken away in an ambulance and quickly forgotten.

I mean, come on, we're more interested in what Alice is sporting at the wrap party being hosted by the Italian version of Trevor Horn.

 

Or is that Timmy Mallet? 

 

Because let's be honest it takes a special type of gal to pull off a Thunderbirds cum SS inspired party outfit.

 

And Alice is most definitely that gal. 

 

But unfortunately at the moment she's a fairly grumpy one. 

 

Thunderbirds sind los!
 

You see she's deciding whether she should dump Marcus because even tho' they both love spaghetti and shagging she's upset that he spends so much time at the dig.

 

As horror subplots go this one is fairly unique I guess.

 

It doesn't last long tho' as no sooner has Marcus arrived than the pair kiss and make up and decide to go home for a wee bout of "the sex" but as the loved up pair approach their car a mysteriously shoe-less hooded tramp warns them that  

 

“It’s time to leave. To run away from this rotten place. Flee the city before evil, which is tired of hiding in the bowels of the earth, decides to wake. Leave before the sinister howls of the phantoms engulfed us all!”

Before asking them for the bus fare to Queensbury.

 

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Trevor Horn is suddenly attacked by deadly corks bursting out of the wine bottles in the cellar before tripping over the carpet resulting in him falling head first thru a window and being garotted.

 

Ouch.

 

"Is it in yet?"

 

 

 

The next morning Marcus heads back to the dig nice and early in order to prepare himself for the first trip into the secret catacomb for over 2000 years, it's no surprise to find Lasky is fairly excited to find out what's down there but not excited (or stupid) enough to go himself obviously.

 

Which to be fair is actually a pretty sensible choice seeing as within minutes of descending Marcus has fallen into a huge hole and lost radio contact with the team.

 

This turn of events does give us time to gaze in wonder at the top of the range graphics on the Commodore Amiga that Angelo is desperately prodding to regain contact with his pal so swings and roundabouts really.

 

Luckily for those of a nervous disposition watching this whole situation is sorted within minutes and contact is soon reestablished just in time for Marcus to share footage of the massive paper mache (sorry stone) tomb emblazed with the word EVIL (in Latin so it must be legit) he's discovered in the middle of the room alongside a tiny bone and what looks like a four-pronged gardening trowel that may - or may not - come in useful for killing any monsters (or specters) later.

 

This kind of love is wrong, but you know it feels so right
Runnin' my hands across your cheeks
They're oh so smooth and white
So leave the light on baby, and unlock your backdoor
I'll be comin' through that way tonight to love you for sure.

Marcus quickly returns to the surface (it's a fairly short movie) and hands Angelo the bone (which he quickly takes to an anthropologist pal to be examined) and Lasky the trowel which he excitedly inspects before contacting the digs financier Len Gaspare (Murder Rock's Perrotti - literally what you get if you order Patrick Stewart from Grindr) who arranges to meet up with Lasky in order to criticize his lack of imagination whilst rubbing his semi-engorged member against his back and massaging the Professors shoulders just like your uncle used to when you were little.

 

Returning to his antique shop cum house cum sex dungeon (which bizarrely is connected to the tomb by an underground tunnel for absolutely no reason) Gaspare orders his leather-clad, thin lipped henchman Gino (Phantom of Death's Tamberi)  to steal the ancient trowel from Professor Lasky. 

As Gino squeaks off into the tunnels Alice is experiencing a stylish dream sequence cum homage to Nosferatu which seems at odds with the rest of the film seeing as it's fairly competently shot and quite effective.

 

 

MONSTA!

 

Whilst all this homo-erotic leatherboy/vampy dream action is going down it appears that poor Barbara has been left in charge of cataloging the stuff found in the tomb, meaning she's spending her Saturday night in a damp hole with only a bottle of wine and a copy of Photoplay for company.

 

Luckily this issue features a full page poster of Richard Gere which Barbara spends an uncomfortable amount of time caressing and chatting to.

 

No really. 

 

We don't have to put up with this frankly embarrassing fawning for long tho' as the spooky wind from earlier turns up just as Barbara decides to open the sarcophagus and a giant pair of hands burst out from the walls and crush her to death as Gino watches on in horror.

 

Or is that indifference?

 

I really don't know.

 

Or care. 

 

The unseen beast then chases Gino down the tunnel to Gaspare's basement where both men are killed (to death), Gino by bumming (probably) and Gaspare by having his head squashed against the wall. 

 

"It's CCCHHHRRRRIIISSSTTTMMMAAASSSS!"

 

Back at the tomb Professor Lasky and Marcus have arrived to find Barbara missing, the sarcophagus empty and me in total confusion as to trying to follow the plot.

 

Is it any wonder that Marcus wanders off in confusion? 

 

I mean to be honest I'd do the same if it wasn't so cold out.

 

And I was watching naked. 

 

Suddenly we're back with Alice who is interrupted recording another track for her new album when the microphone she's using turns into a massive green snake causing her to run out of the recording studio and jump into Marcus’s car, who as luck or bad plotting would have it has just turned up outside.

 

Turns out it's a really busy night, seeing as Angelo is also busy off seeing his Anthropology pal to see if he could find out anything from his tiny bone only to be killed by a dirty sink straight after calling Marcus, who himself was also busy with a tiny bone.

 

Snigger. 

 

He heads over to the anthropology lab leaving a half naked yet surprisingly relieved Alice to experience another horror film homage - this time it's A Nightmare on Elm Street as she's dragged kicking into the mattress, her smooth thighs glistening in the moonlight like a pair of shiny milk bottles whilst at the dig the evil best thing has a spooky staring contest with Professor Lasky causing him to have a heart attack or something.

As he lies prostrate in a recently arrived Marcus' arms (he's had a busy night) Lasky ominously whispers “I saw evil, I looked into his eyes.” before dying.

It's now left to Marcus to enter the catacombs, kill the demon and rescue the woman he loves before something terrible and up until now unexplained happens....

From Marcello Avallone, the man behind the spooky child-based chiller 
Un gioco per Eveline (1972) and the Mexican monster mash Maya (1989) comes this frankly bonkers and (oh so) leisurely paced demonic potboiler that despite it's shortcomings (lack of coherent plot, the aforementioned pacing, horrible trousers) is actual fairly enjoyable in a kinda slightly tipsy Sunday night way.

 

The acting is OK if nothing spectacular - which I guess is what happens when you cast the assistant director of The World According to Garp and Ghostbusters as your lead just because he speaks English - Pleasence phones in his performance whilst Trine Michelsen at least tries to do something other than frown whilst biting her lip whilst wearing THE greatest 80s wardrobe ever committed to celluloid plus it's pretty rare to see a (semi-intended) flirty gay scene in an Italian horror movie, especially when it's between an actor and human potato Donald Pleasence and the fey silver fox Riccardo Parisio Perrotti, which is at least something different.

 

It's just a pity then that fuck all of this matters as we've no idea who any of these people are and why we should invest in their story and just because Trine Michelsen has a smashing arse it doesn't mean you should base a 90 minute film around waiting for shots of it.

 

No caption required (except I've written one. Damn.)

 

It's not all bad tho' and as you're watching you can kinda tell which bits of the script were written by horror royalty Dardano (Cat O'Nine Tails, Demons, Bay of Blood, Zombie Flesh Eaters and The Beyond to name a few) Sacchetti and which bits by (journalist) Andrea Puragtori and jack of all trades Maurizio Tedesco which manages to keep you interested and while effects wise most of the budget seemed to go on a big industrial fan there are some nice practical make-up effects from genre stalwart Sergio Stivaletti including a totally underused full demon suit that only appears in silhouette toward the films climax.

 

Admittedly the face does have a wee bit of a comical underbite that screams 80s Doctor Who at you, which is why the director probably chose to concentrate on its hands instead.

 

Oh and Michelsen's bum obviously.

 

Chase me now.

 

 

The score by composer Lele Marchitelli and jazz pianist Danilo Rea is exactly what you'd expect from an Italian horror film of the period and if you're anything like me you'll already have it on your music player and overall the film is very pretty to look at but other than that it's kinda for Italian horror completists only.

Or those of you that have trouble sleeping. 

The cinematic equivalent of cuddling up on your sofa with an aging Labrador and slowly drifting off to sleep.