no hell's house party.

Sorry about the recent lack of updates but work coupled with a severe allergic reaction to this film has kept me out of action for a while.

Even now I'm still having flashbacks.

Evil Dead (2013).
Dir: Fede Alvarez.
Cast: Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Lucas and Elizabeth Blackmore.

"I will feast on your soul!"
"Feast on this motherfucker!"

Poor old Mia (Levy from the US version of Shameless, which is apt) has a problem with 'the drugs' so her best buddies; Eric, Olivia, Mia's brother David and his girlfriend Natalie, sick of her crashing out in the corner at parties stinking of piss and eggs have decided to take her to an old cabin deep in the Tennessee (well, New Zealand) woods in order to get her clean.

Unfortunately things begin to go wrong from the moment they arrive, Mia (channelling Nights of Terror) starts to complains about the stench of death coming from a kitchen cloth whilst David's dog (the four legged kind not Natalie) during a bout of rug sniffing, comes across a cellar hatchway hidden under a carpet.

"Does it come on a Kindle?"

Deciding to investigate, our troubled teens are fairly surprised to discover not only a collection of animal corpses hanging from the ceiling, a double-barrelled shotgun and lying unloved on a table and wrapped in a bin bag a really shoddy fan made copy of the Necronomicon.

You can tell it's not the original for a variety of reasons not least being the fact that not only do the illustrations look like they were hastily scribbled by a 14 year old virginal heavy metal fan but that it also has handy English translations in the margins.

Oh yes and DO NOT READ scrawled across the cover in big letters.

This doesn't seem to put off the lank haired bespectacled Eric (Pucci from, fuck it do you really care?) tho' seeing as he decides to start reading passages from it aloud causing all many of strange camera angles and lighting effects.

Oh yes, and a she-demon (in reality Levy blacked up like a minstrel) to pop out the bushes and scare Mia, who's minding her own business sitting on the car from the original movies which just happens to be parked outside.

"Shite oot mah mooth you demonic bastards!"

Terrified (or embarrassed it's hard to tell) Mia pleads the group to let her leave saying that she really needs a poo but can't do it in an outside toilet but the group refuse, determined as they are to make her kick her 'habit'.

At this point I could understand how she felt.

With a wiggle of her peachy junk filled arse Mia grabs the car keys and stroppily drives away in the car (no-one bothered to hide the keys) but before she can make it any further than the top of the road the Al Jolson demon pops up out of nowhere causing Mia to crash.

As you would in these situations our drugged up dame legs it into the woods only to be attacked by the trees and have a slimy shit coloured tendril go up her Jemima Puddleduck.

Ouch.

And definitely don't fucking watch it.

The group after, ooh, minutes of searching find Mia lying in the woods covered in shit and stinking of piss (kinda appropriate for this movie) and take her back to the cabin where she attempts to warn David about the monster in the woods but the rest of the group think she's talking absolute shite in a vain attempt to escape back to her crack-addled world of drugs.

Which quite frankly is where I'd love to be right now.

If you think that's bad then imagine David's reaction when he finds that not only is his sister a total pain in the arse but that someone has bludgeoned his dog to death with a steel dildo.

Well, actually with a hammer but you have to agree my version would have been better.

Anyway in all this dog based death drama Mia manages to lock herself in the bathroom where she proceeds to scald herself in the shower for some reason or other.

"Boiled onions!"...a cellar based beast yesterday,

Finally deciding to do something proactive, David attempts to drive his by now slightly crispy sister to a hospital, but a flood has blocked the only road out.

What?

Didn't the budget stretch to a Lego bridge?

Back at the cabin, any attempt to sedate Mia seems to send her more and more loopy culminating in her turning up in the living room armed with a shotgun.

Unfortunately rather than shoot the entire cast dead and them herself she only manages to slightly graze David's shoulder before collapsing to the floor and vomiting over Olivia (Cloverfield's Lucas). 


Realizing that they're in a remake and that the movie is at the halfway point, David kicks Mia into the cellar and chains it shut giving the director a chance to give us a cellar based creep out even more terrifying than the original.

Unfortunately he manages to fuck that plan up by replacing the lo-fi frights of a paper mache covered Ellen Sandweiss with a visibly embarrassed Jane Levy doing her best amateur hour Exorcist impression whilst forced to shout the clumsily constructed "I'll feast on your soul!"

Bless.

...And how it should be done.

 Cue forty odd minutes of soulless slashings, paper thin homages to the beloved original, inconsistent lighting and a complete lack of understanding as to what made Raimi's original so damn good.

For fucks sake Sam, you can't be that skint.

Where does one start when it comes to the Evil Dead redux?

I'll admit that I was a wee bit sceptical when it was announced but was soon won over by Sam and Bruce's hard sell shmuck, which was a bit like a couple of long lost friends offering to take you out for the night to revisit your favourite pub from your younger days.

Sad thing is that when you get there they've knocked it down and built a carpark.

"Hey buddy! Wanna buy a franchise? Only one previous owner!"

Whilst the young things (and a few older people who should know better) seem to have been bewitched by the all glam and glitz approach to the remake, with it's promise of no CGI and unrated bloodletting they all appear to have forgotten what made the original so bloody brilliant in the first place.

 What the original lacked in budget it more than made up for in sheer unrelenting terror, the perfect haunted house movie made (puckered and twisted) flesh from a pre-digital age when only those young film makers with the perseverance and talent could hope to make their mark on a jaded industry.

And then usually by having to pawn the parents house. 

Sure the characters in the original are cliches but at least they're interesting cliches, the remake throws us the five most, whiny, self obsessed and boring teens since Dawson's Creek.

In the original you were rooting for Ash, Scottie, Linda, Cheryl and Shelly, this time round you're just praying that the cabin explodes taking the entire harsh faced, moaning cast with it.

Alvarez, this is your fault.

I could go on but what's the point?

No talent, no mercy, no point....like watching your wife, high on crack sell your first born into child sex slavery. 

I actually pulled a nail off in anger during it. 

Fede Alvarez your turn is coming. 

That is all.















*Except to say that giving your characters the initials D, E, M, O and N isn't big or clever, it's just shite.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 49).

Homes Under The Hammer co-host Lucy Alexander.

And her sidekick Martin Roberts isn't too bad either.

If you're that way inclined obviously.

superfly (poster) guy...the return.

Readers with long memories and short hair may remember this post regarding the hand painted posters design to advertise Ghana’s infamous touring cinema's (as you may recall they were usually created by hooking up a TV and VCR to a portable generator) that would travel from village to village using large barns or even tents as temporary venues.

Anyway, here are a few more.

Enjoy.

 

necro franco.

12 May 1930 – 2 April 2013.

RiP You wonderful pervert and thanks for all the fish

summer lovin'.

bloggers back to normal and I've got shed loads of stuff to go thru' so to keep you all busy till then here's a fantastic guide to the harmless hobby of 'girl collecting' (or as the courts today call it stalking and abduction) from the June 1959 issue of the late lamented Girl Watching magazine.

Enjoy.

And no blaming me if the police get involved.

queer street.

I have quite vivid memories of the first Silent Hill being one of the biggest piles of poo I have ever seen, brightened only by appearances by everyone's fave film dad Sean Bean.

But when the sequel promises not only Bean and Malcolm McDowell but Game of Thrones John Snow as well it has to be at least half as shite as the other one.

Doesn't it?

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D (2012).
Dir: Michael J. Bassett.
Cast: Adelaide Clemens, Kit Harington, Deborah Kara Unger, Martin Donovan, Malcolm McDowell, Carrie-Anne Moss, Radha Mitchell and Sir Sean of Bean.

"Never build on a ancient Indian burial ground! I thought everybody knew that!"

Previously on Silent Hill Rose (Mitchell, cameo-ing to pay the rent) and her daughter Sharon ended up trapped in the aforementioned scary town, an alternate dimension shrouded in ash, full of plotholes and populated by various bands of pikeys and large CGI monsters.

Luckily Rose, using a bathroom mirror and a huge plastic medallion manages to send Sharon back to our world - and her dad Christopher (Ned Stark himself, Bean) whilst she stays behind for some reason or other.

Rather than tell his daughter the truth, Christopher, concocts some story about her dying in a car crash or running away with the Night Watch or something.

"Winter is coming...in mah mooth!"

Jump forward a few years and a now teenage - and totally ball-faced Sharon (Clemens) and her dad have finally settled down in the town of Winterfell and are living a happy life under the assumed identities of Heather and Harry Mason after years of travelling to avoid the Silent Hill cult.

Unfortunately poor Heather has been suffering from recurring nightmares where she's trapped in an amusement park and under attack from a poorly rendered child named Alessa whilst a man with a Dairylea triangle on his head winks at the pre-teens on the waltzers.

Which, if I'm honest are a damn sight less upsetting than the dreams I had after viewing the first movie.

If that wasn't bad enough, Heather is being followed by a pube haired private investigator named Douglas Cartland (Martin Donovan, who as far as I remember was a character from V), who's been hired by the cult to track her down and a boy in her new class named Vincent (Game of Thrones Harrington channelling a young George Michael) has the hots for her.

"Hello Dave?"

Anyway, being a movie for ADHD afflicted teens and chronic masturbaters it's not long before all kinds of weird shit starts to happen, Douglas is killed by one of the (crappier) Cenobites from Hellraiser, Heather starts to imagine a kids birthday party going rabid and Ned Stark is kidnapped by dwarfs.

And all while vacant Vincent wanders about like a lost puppy making goo-goo eyes at our heroine.

The pair decide that the only course of action is to travel back to Silent Hill and rescue Ned before anything else happens.

Luckily for a demonic cursed town it's really well signposted.

But obviously not as much as the movies plot developments are.

Twinned with Gornal.

On arrival tho' Vincent reveals that he's cult leader Claudia's (Moss looking more and more like Julian Clary's cancer riddled brother everyday) son, charged with delivering Heather to the cult, but luckily he's decided to help her instead due to the peachiness of her arse.

Which I admit is made up but then again it's a lot more believable than the reason given onscreen.

As if by magic (or the use of some decidedly pixelly CG) their surroundings transform into those of Silent Hill (fantastically played by the West Midlands on a Sunday morning) where Vincent explains the films plot to Heather.

It seems that she's the one responsible for all this wobbly reality stuff due to her owning that big medallion and being the computer generated child’s twin or something and she must go and visit Vincent's granddad Leonard (a visibly embarrassed McDowell) who's been locked in an asylum by his daughter for 'having some darkness in him'.

Which I don't know about you but made me think of this.

The director must reckon that there's been more than enough talking going on as suddenly Vincent is grabbed by a large rubber turd and Heather is knocked unconscious by a piece of scenery, waking up in a deserted backstreet and covered in dandruff.

Ah, memories.

Laugh now!"

From the shadows appears Alessa’s mother Dahlia (Unger, best known for Highlander III) just in time to reiterated the plot for those who've already forgotten it.

Which is thoughtful of the director.

Meanwhile, poor Vincent is being denounced as a traitor by his mum (God help him if she ever discovers he's gay) and banished to the asylum to be cured.

Spunking sausages for peanuts.

 Whilst all this family stuff is going down Heather is having a rare old time fighting a big spider thing made out of shop window dummies (giving the viewers a quick glimpse of tit as it converts a lady) before managing to dodge a load of tramps in gas masks and finally climb into the asylum thru' a broken window where within minutes she's confronting Britain’s greatest character actor chained to a mattress covered wall and sporting a nipple revealing string vest and a pair of skimpy shorts.

Leonard (for it is he) informs her (again) that his daughter locked him up because of his darkness fetish and that the medallions purpose is to "expose the true nature of things".

No, sorry Malc, you've lost me now.

Luckily we don't have time to think about such stuff before Leonard plunges Heather's amulet into his chest (which is where he keeps the other half) and transforms into a big meat man and carries our heroine off down the ward.

Heather's made of sterner stuff tho' and soon pulls the medallion out of his chest causing him to explode.

Which, if I'm honest I didn't see coming.

Unlike cheese triangle head who you can smell a mile off as he totters into view carrying a big knife intent on randomly killing folk, which is pretty nice of him if you think about it seeing as it gives Heather the chance to run away and find Vincent, who as it happens is strapped to a gurney surround by the only reason to watch/play Silent Hill.

Yup it's the sexy flannel faced nurses.

Hurrah.

"Boiled onions!"

Unfortunately none of them engage in a wee bout of lesbian blade sex with Heather, preferring to just stumble about on six inch heels with nether a breast wobble in sight leaving our dynamic duo plenty of opportunity to be on their way to a final showdown with Alessa.

I say showdown but all that happens is that the pair have a bit of a chat about the meaning of life before Heather absorbs Alessa in a puff of slight and incomprehensible pseudo-bollocks and turgid CGI smoke before casually walking into the cults headquarters where she finds Vincent looking like a lost puppy, her dad tied to a giant garden ornament and Claudia dragged up like a council estate goth granny.

"Matron!"

 But hark! There's one more plot revelation to come because it seems that Heather's not been told the whole truth about why she's been brought back to 'ver Hill', it's not just about getting the medallion back for some reason but to use her womb as an incubator for the cult's new god.

 Yup, you guessed it, it's got something to do with Heather being linked to someone or something meaning that she has a power or suchlike that can change the world.

Possibly.

Anyway, Heather not too surprisingly says no which makes Claudia really angry.

So angry in fact that she transforms into a monster and tries to kill Heather.

Which is a wee bit weird seeing as a minute ago she needed her alive for all that baby god stuff.

Oh well not to worry because Cheese head arrives in the nick of time to have a very slow fight with Claudia giving everyone plenty of time to escape and prepare for an inevitable third film.

A gratuitous tit shot yesterday.

From the director of the highly entertaining Solomon Kane and the Sean Pertwee starrer Wilderness comes another half arsed attempt to bring a video game to the screen.

Luckily for us it's more Mortal Kombat than Resident Evil plus it's got a really earnest Sean Bean in it which adds some kitsch value at least.

Oh and Kit Harington's hair is fucking hilarious.

As is McDowell's cameo.

And the fact that everyone involved is treating it like some lost Ingmar Bergman script adds an air of absurdity to the proceedings that would have been missing 

had it not had such a dedicated cast.

Arse.

Which is kinda damning with faint praise really but come on, it's a Silent Hill film so what do you expect?

Well a few scares maybe.

And the aforementioned scary lesbian nurse sex if I'm honest.

Look you know it's going to be shite before the opening credits begin to roll but surprisingly it's actually utterly entertaining shite.

Paul Anderson take note, less of your wife's arse and more shady CGI is the future of the video game movie.

Hopefully Michael J. Bassett will get offered the Manic Miner movie next.

We can but hope.

things you drunkenly purchase from ebay (part one).