parklife.

Can't give too much away cos it'd kill the movie quicker than a very violent, quick thing and frankly it's worth a looksie.

And not just for Ania Bukstein's thighs and peachy arse.


Kalevet (AKA Rabies). 2010.
Dir: Aharon Keshales & Navot Papushado.
Cast: Lior Ashkenazi, Danny Geva, Liat Har Lev, Ran Danker, Menashe Noy, Ofer Shechter, Yaron Motola, Yael Grobglas, Henry David, Efrat Boimold and Ania Bukstein.

Nothing like starting a story in the middle, which is where we start here with beaky babe Tali (Lev) trapped in a hole in the middle of the woods.

Peering down at her thru' a makeshift letterbox, her hunky brother Ofer (David) desperately tries to reassure her that everything's gonna be OK.

Which she'd probably believe if she hadn't spent the previous evening being chase by an overall wearing mentalist sporting the best perm this side of Kevin Keegan.

Intent on finding help Ofer races thru' the forest to a nearby road where he's promptly run over by a car full of  teen tennis stars on their way to match.

Isn't that always the way?

Apologies for the lack of funny captioning but all I can think of is Ania Bukstein's milky thighs. Sorry.

Driver Mikey (Action Man haired hunk Danker) reckons they should call for help whilst his ratty pal Pini (Shechter, channelling a young Andy Serkis) thinks they should drive on and concentrate on more important things, which in this case is their lustings over blonde poppet Shir (Israel's very own Scarlett Johansson and star of We The Kings video for their hit single 'Say You Like Me', Grobglas).

However, it looks like they're gonna have to compete for Shir's affections with their pounty brunette buddy, the yumsome Adi (star of the hit Yiddish teevee show The Arbitrator, Bukstein), who also has a crush on Shir.

 And I know which pair I'd rather see making out.

Being heroic types the guys head into the forest with the by now barely conscious Ofer to help save his sister, while the girls stay with the car and call the police.

Unfortunately for them, the nearest officers are the nice but dim Danny
(Ashkenazi) and his partner, the woman hating would-be rapist Yuval (Israel's very own Vincent Cassel, the fantastic Geva) and both are having a particularly bad day.

Oh dear.

"Fancy a wee bit o' mooth shite-ing brother?"

Meanwhile in the woods, lovable park ranger Menashe (the instantly likeable Noy) is busying himself tagging foxes and stuffwhilst trying to sort things out with his young lover Rona (Boimold, best known for her role as Noa Shachar in the musical drama series HaShir Shelanu, but no doubt you knew that), little realising that their lives are soon to become entangled with the increasingly bizarre events taking place in the forest surrounding them.

"Put it in me!....Oh hang on, you already did!"

From first time writers/directors Keshales and Papushado, Kalevet surprisingly doesn't feature any foaming mouthed beasts, viral outbreaks or sweaty men panicking near water, so I assume the title is some kind of metaphoric thing to do with man's inhumanity to man or something, which is fairly highbrow for here.

Part domestic drama, part horror shocker and part (very) black comedy, Kalevet is breath of fresh air in a quickly stagnating cave of the 'horror realism' genre, butting such overwrought shite as Kill List to shame.

With it's perfect performances, tight as your wee sister script and an air of brutal confidence rarely seen by first time directors Kalevet is quite frankly unmissable.

And not just because of Ania Bukstein.

thought of the day.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 40).

It's Britain's Got Talent contestants Ashleigh and Pudsey....tho' I'm not saying which.

Oh go on then.....sandwich.

people you don't expect to find on display in your local waxworks (part one).

Peter William Sutcliffe, AKA "The Yorkshire Ripper" as seen at Louis Tussaud's House of Wax, Great Yarmouth.

kidney fiddler.

As soon as I heard that highly talented director Scott Stewart and Britain's greatest movie star Paul Bettany were re-teaming for a movie after the apocalypse based laughathon that was Legion (think fallen angels fighting the undead - and old ladies so that Dennis Quaid can help a waitress give birth to Jesus) I got rather quite excited.

Then promptly forgot all about it.

Until that is it popped thru my door yesterday.

Priest (2011).
Dir: Scott Stewart.
Cast: Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Brad Dourif, Cam Gigandet, Alan Dale, Christopher Plummer, Maggie Q, Stephen Moyer, Madchen Amick and Lily Collins.

"After all, if you're not committing sin... you're not having fun".

So let's start with a little info-dump to get us up to speed...

For hundreds of years (and quite possibly even longer), humans and vampires have been involved in a bitter conflict which has devastated the planet's surface, causing even the smallest town to have a sheen of 80's post apocalyptic pop video about it.

The surviving humans live within giant walled cities ruled by The Church and protected by an elite group of warrior priests; mere mortals blessed by God with super human wire fighting skills and sexy black outfits.

After the final battle the majority of vampires were destroyed with the remainder placed in big underground silo's on reservations, therefore saving on the CG budget by not having them wandering around making all manner of faux pas at dinner parties.

With the war over, the creepy clergy, led by Monsignor Brian Orelas (Plummer obviously skint) disbanded the priests and sent them off to be retrained as binmen and children's entertainers etc. whilst beyond the cities walls, humankind live on in relative freedom and a collection of western style outfits.

 Got all that?

Good, so let's go.

"Where's me washboard?"

One rainy Sunday afternoon, lost soul and ex- priest Brian (Bettany, nuff said) is approached by Brian Hicks (Gigandet from Burlesque), the (almost adolescent) sheriff of the nearby town of Augustine.

It appears that the priest's brother True Blood's Moyer) Owen's farm has been attacked by the vile vamps; Owen is at death's door whilst his wife Shannon (Twin peaks Amick) is lying dead in a ditch and his daughter Lucy (ex Genesis drummer Collins) has been kidnapped.

Which as you can probably tell is fairly annoying for our hero.


Partly thru' family honour but mainly because the script calls for it our priestly chum approaches the clergy in the vain hope of having his holy authority to kick vamp arse reinstated, but Orelas is far to busy fiddling with kids to listen, sending our hero on his way with a bee in his ear and lump in his throat.

Not only that but he also bans Bettany from taking any action or starting any fights of any kind.

Holy shit!

"Adele number one from Christmas! Monsta!"

Slightly annoyed at this course of (non) action and realising the movie has gone 20 minutes without an action scene Priest Paul heads of to Augustine in order to hitch up with Hicks and avenge his family.

But as is always the way with these things, a slightly annoyed Orelas sends a group of the priests former comrades to track him down and bring him back.

Dead or alive.

And hopefully with his career still intact.

After a quick goodbye to his (by now fairly smelly) brother and a blink and miss it cameo from Lord Brad of Dourif, Paul the priest and hop-along Hicks head off to the Nightshade Reservation where vampire obsessed humans (all looking scarily like Jah Wobble) live alongside and serve the surviving vampires.

Which is quite lucky for our heroes (and the director) because it means even less GCI to deal with than earlier.

After questioning a few of these familiars regarding the whereabouts of the missing vamps, the priest gets annoyed and kills everyone before waiting till sundown and butchering the remaining blood suckers too.

But not until discovering the the vicious vamps have returned to their hive in  Sola Mira, the site of a botched mission where our religious right-doer lost his best pal, the enigmatic Basil Black Hat (Urban).

Clumsy sod.

"Boiled onions!"

They soon arrive (everything is within handy 5 minutes montage sequence away) at the hive where they're joined by the sexy Pauline Priestess (Q, but not the one from Star Trek), who due to being in love with our hero decides to help him on his mission rather than kill him.

Which is nice.

Between them the priests destroy the hive's guard dog and manage to discover the vampires plan which involves them digging a big tunnel out of the hive, building a train and taking it to the city where a lack of sunlight means that they'll be able to eat everyone with impunity.

And even those without.

But that's not all.

It seems that the vampires are being led by the aforementioned Black Hat who, after the vampire queen took a shine to him is now the first ever human/vampire hybrid.

But that's not all.

It turns out that the priests niece is actually his daughter, his sister-in-law is really his ex-girlfriend and Hicks has been secretly dating Lucy behind her dads (now uncles) back.

Got all that?

Good.

Because Black Hat knows all of this and is hoping to use poor Lucy as bait to capture the priest.

Before firing his vampy man-muck over her pert white breasts obviously.

For Q!

With the clock ticking - and the train choo-chooing - the Priest and his pals head off to catch the train before it reaches it's final destination.

Will Paul the Priest save his daughter?

Will Maggie Q ever pick a good role?

Will the audience see the irony of Bill Compton getting killed by vampires?

And will Bettany's career nosedive get any worse?

"Laugh now!"

CGI laden, clunkily dialogued and butchered to just the basics, Scott Stewart's (incredibly loose) adaptation of Min-Woo Hyung’s Korean graphic novels throws out the main character of Vascar De Gullion and the backstory featuring humanity's battle against the 12 fallen angels and instead replaces all this with generic slo-mo action scenes, cartoony vampires and sets straight out of Blade Runner all lovingly cut to a pompous orchestral score that takes itself about 3 times as seriously as the film does.

That's not to say it isn't enjoyable, Bettany's always worth a giggle and seeing him face of against Neighbours Jim Robinson is worth a few quid in anyones books but it all ends up looking and feeling like a lacklustre pilot for a SyFy channel series.

Albiet with a slightly larger costume budget than normal.

Whilst nowhere near as sphincter squeezing as Legion and far more entertaining than the Kurt Russell abomination Soldier (the film this most resembles) praising it is a wee bit like attempting to decide whether to have dry anal sex with your granny or your auntie.

Saying that tho' it's probably worth a look just to see what former Twin Peaks hottie Madchen Amick has done to her face in the intervening years.

Now that is truly horrifying.