the entrance of uranus.

No witty introduction today because frankly I can't be arsed.

 

The Red Monks (1988).
Dir: Gianni Martucci.
Cast: Gerardo Amato, Lara Wendel (meow), Malisa Longo, Chuck Valenti, Claudio Pacifico, Mary Maxwell, Gaetano Russo and Ludovico Della Jojo.

The Garlini family are one of those unlucky enough - but quite common according to Eurotrash cinema - to have some kinda curse that gets visited on generation after generation.

Unlike most movie curses which seem to involve Werewolves or hidden torture chambers the Garlini one appears to concern a violin playing old woman and a nude, turban headed lady with a predilection for jogging.

Takes all sorts I guess.
But enough scene-setting let's get on with the film good and proper and focus our attentions on a groovy young fella-my-lad about town (in a snazzy Burton's suit) has just noticed the aforementioned - naked - jogger running around his garden so decides to call out to her (as you would), being a typical woman she ignores his cries and heads into his house.

Result.

Following her indoors and down into the house's sprawling basement the nameless bloke finds this dusky beauty standing with her back to him giving him plenty of time to take in her curves whilst admiring her hairy back and ample arse.

But before you can say 'up the casino' the mysterious Miss slowly turns around and with sword in hand beheads the poor sod.

Ouch.

A lady reading a newspaper in an extremely natural way yesterday.

Worried that the confusion and strangeness of the scene may caused our tiny minds to explode a scary voiceover man suddenly breaks the silence and whilst sexily intoning "fifty years earlier" snaps us back to reality.

Which comes as a blessed relief for us mere mortals after experiencing so much terror so early in the proceedings.

Luckily we're still in the grounds of the house so it's not too much of a challenge to figure out what's happening plus we still have a hunky man in the garden, only this time he has a name.

And quite a sexy physique.

Ladies and gentlemen (especially ladies) please be upstanding for 'Big' Bob Garlini (Disperatamente Giulia's Amato) who whilst busily tending to the rose bushes comes across (not in that way) a foxy woman - dressed as a dinner lady for reasons only known to the director - stuck up a tree being barked at by his hairy dog.

Which in itself is a bit bizarre because the woman in question is played by Lara Wendel, who also gets snapped at by a big dog in Dario Argento's Tenebrae.

No idea if that's related tho'.

Sorry.

Wendel: In bed with me dinner (lady).

Being hunky and spunky Bob convinces Ramona (for that is her name) to jump out of the tree and into his manly arms just before the rubber joke shop spider that's glued to one of the branches 'bites' her.

As she falls into his arms their eyes meet and it's love at first sight.

Whirlwind romance and marriage follow, which would be all well and good if not for Bob's dark secret.

And you'll never guess what it is.

Tho' the clue is in the films title.

Yup, that's right, Bob has a cellar chock full of spooky red monks intent on having his new bride sacrificed to them within four days.

But that's not all because for the sacrifice to work she has to remain a virgin.

Now how's he gonna explain this to his nan?

As you would expect, this puts a wee bit of pressure on the poor guy on his wedding night, forcing him to leave Ramona lying spreadeagled on the bed with a look of saucy intent in her eyes whilst he paces around the garden in a housecoat.

Poor Ramona ends up spending the night propped up in bed reading Take A Break magazine whilst scoffing chocolates all the time wondering if she should have just jumped out the tree and let the dog have her.

Which, if I'm honest would probably have been quite an interesting scene.

From an artistic viewpoint obviously.

To make matters worse, the next morning Bob is called away to an 'important business meetings' leaving his grumpier by the minute bride sitting at home getting the piss taken out of her by the housekeeper Priscilla (genre goddess Longo from oooohhhh loads of stuff including your granddad's bed) - who it turns out is having an affair with her hubbie.

It's like a gore filled version of Dynasty.

Your mum gets ready for parents night. And you wondered why your grades were so good.

It's not all bad tho' for Ramona's blonde haired haired, poppy eyed maid Lucille (Maxwell from Dirty Love II: Love Games) quickly strikes up a friendship with her, entertaining the new Mrs. Garlini with tours of the scary cellar to check out the handy guillotine kept hidden in there.

Deciding that spending her evenings skulking about in dank cellars is way more fun than watching the shopping channel whilst eating crisps, Ramona begins to enjoy her time searching the basement for goodies to sell at carboot sales so it's not too much of a surprise when one day after moving a particularly dusty commode that she finally comes across the red monks busily (and quite quietly) going about their basement based business.

Which would be freaky enough if she didn't suddenly wake up in bed half way thru' the chat.

Is she going mental?

Well her hubbie and housekeeper seem set on trying to convince her so.

Me? I just think she's a typical woman.

Hel-Met.

Lucille, being cool and full of girl power and sisterly love is having none of it tho' and tells Ramona that she did indeed go into the cellar that evening and that she isn't in fact going loopy after all.

Phew, that's OK then.

Luckily everything seems to be back to normal the next day - well, if you forget about the monks, the plot to send Ramona mad and think that the fact that her hubbie keeps eying up the housemaid is normal - so our lovebirds decide to enjoy a picnic in the garden, this romantic notion is oh so slightly spoiled however when Lucille's severed head pops out of the picnic hamper during the cheese selection.

Trying to make the best of a bad situation, Ramona reckons a wee bit of painting may calm her nerves, but would you credit it, that darned spider is back on the loose.

Wendel: Womanly perfection personified.

As if by magic (or perhaps because Wendel hasn't got her kit off yet) the arachnid attack is rudely interrupted by an unhealthily thin bloke with a stringy ponytail who gingerly swats the spider to one side before having some of 'the sex' with our heroine.

Fairly annoyed to begin with (he keeps dipping his cock in her water colours) Ramona finally gets into the groove as the youngsters say, hoisting up her dress and and going with the - sweetly sticky - flow.

I say flow but it's more of a thick, gooey mess if I'm honest.

After a few minutes (I'm being kind) of fiddly fun the mysterious stranger wipes his cock on Ramona's canvas and stands up. Not to be outdone in the romantic stakes our horny heroine quickly pops her pants in her pocket before arranging to meet the leathery Lothario for drinks in a local bar later that night.

Result.

Day soon turns to night and Ramona excitedly travels to the local pub for a pint, a plate of scampi and some excited chat.

But our horny hairy-man has a surprise for Ramona and after a few bags of pork scratchings and a bottle of house wine takes her to visit a stinky tramp with a comedy stick on beard.

But why? I hear you cry.

Well it appears that only he knows the full gory story of her hubbies house.

As Friends star Jennifer Aniston once said, pay attention, here's the science part.

Aniston: Five fingers, never touched the sides.

Coughing up a tasty bit of black lung the old man seductively whispers thru' his fishy beard "...it all began in the year 1426..." prompting the screen to go all wibbly wobbly (tracking's dodgy mate) before coming to focus on a pointy chinned man in tights drinking cheap wine.

Lord Lloyd Lodorisio (for that is he), being rich and bored spends his days hanging around with that group of red hooded monks from earlier getting into all kinds of scrapes, setting fire to phone boxes, making prank calls, graffiti-ing walls and the like much to the chagrin of the local populace.

Fair play to him I say.

The local church, understandably annoyed by all these unholy shenanigans decide to send a mysterious, black masked assassin to kill Lodorisio.

As you would in those circumstances.

"Is it in yet?"

After a - very slow - primary school style sword fight, the assassin ends up with the Lord's long blade wobbling scarily at his mouth (OK it's at his throat but that doesn't sound as rude), dropping to his knees and begs for mercy whilst the loopy Lorde stands astride him laughing like a loon.

Just as all seems lost Mr. Assassin sees his chance and sticks Lodorisio with his poisoned ring before tossing him off (the balcony) and hitting him repeatedly with a mace for good measure.

Ouch.

As was the law in the olden days, the assassin inherits not only Lord Lodorisio's lands but his sultry gypsy wife too, unfortunately tho' before he can drag her off to the bedroom she lays down a curse on him - and his descendants - forever.

Blimey.

If this wasn't a big enough revelation in itself (it's like 20 Christmas day episodes of EastEnders at once) it turns out that Ramona is apparently a descendant of that very same gypsy and it is her destiny to have revenge on Bob.

Taking it all in her stride (but not alas up the Khyber) she buys a sword from a local armorer and heads back home....

Bob in a monk house yesterday.

Will she behead her hubbie?

Will the fabled red monks do anything but stand about?

Who beheaded Lucille?

Is Ramona a ghost?

And why is Bob shagging the housekeeper when the cast includes both Wendel and Longo?

Is he mad?

One of these questions may be answered by the movies end.

Possibly.

"I Frati Rossi? All talkin' Scotch ain't they?"

From director/writer Gianni (Naked Girl Killed in the Park) Martucci comes this (very) loose remake of the Mario Bava classic Lisa And The Devil but minus that films suspense shocks and thrills obviously.

Well he had to find some way of making it different didn't he?

Longo: saucepot.

Produced by genre genius Lucio Fulci (whom I'm sure had a hand in casting showing the pedigree of the Eurohorror talent on screen) alongside an obviously feverish Pino Buricchi (the man who gave us Intimate Crimes and Cindy's Love Games amongst other gems), The Red Monks maybe be at times tedious with plot holes so big that you could comfortably reverse Dominic Cummings thru' without touching the sides but the classy cast and kooky creepiness ultimately win the viewer over.

Plus whenever you're feeling like ending it all rather than sit thru' another second of dodgily dubbed doomsaying, a pair of 70's breasts pop out of nowhere or a head rolls out of a hamper and suddenly you're transfixed again.

And before you know it you're hooked worse than your uncle Peter on the paperboy.

Recommended.

eating out.

Rewatched this last night as it featured a top turn from Cindy Leadbetter, who also appeared in the magnificent Rats: Notte Di Terrore that has already been featured in this years 31 Days of Horror.

So there.

 

Emanuelle E Gli Ultimi Cannibali (AKA Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals, Emanuelle's Amazon Adventure, Trap Them and Kill Them, Emanuelle Chez Les Cannibales 1977)
Dir: Joe D'Amato (who else?)
Cast: Laura Gemser, Donald O’Brien, Monica Zanchi, Susan Scott, Gabriele Tinti, Geoffrey Copleston, Annamaria Clementi, Cindy Leadbetter, Nieves Navarro, Percy Hogan, some cannibals.

Saucy sex minx Emanuelle (D'Amato regular Laura Gemser) has momentarily given up whoring for a living and is currently residing in New York, making her cash as an ace newspaper reporter famed for getting to the heart of gritty 'human interest' stories.

And her current assignment?

To expose an evil lesbian nurse.

But frankly is there any other kind?

Posing as a mentalist she enters (phnar) the hospital with plans to get her story by any means necessary, which in Emanuelle's case involves sneaking into patients rooms in the dead of night and masturbating the information out various incarcerated loons.

Whilst all the time carrying a doll with a camera hidden in its eyes.

I'll have to check with a journalist friend, but I'm pretty sure that isn't common practice but if it is the recent Owen Jones/Konstantin Kisin interview just got even more sinister.

The best performance in the whole movie.

After a night of finger-based fun, Emanuelle is surprised to see the nasty nurse she's supposed to be pursuing stumbling drunkenly from a patients room covered in blood from a bite wound on her chest.

Obviously there's only one course of action open to our heroine if she wants to find out what's happened.

That's right, she enters the room and gets right back into fiddling.

Whilst goosing the information out of the mad cannibal woman (played to perfection by Cindy "my illustrious career" Leadbetter) Emanuelle notices a strange (re: shite) tattoo hastily scrawled on the loopy ladies tummy and - using her free hand - gets a picture of it before legging it out of the asylum and heading straight over to her editors office.

Her editor is amazed, explaining to her (and us) that this tattoo proves the existence of a supposedly extinct stone-age cannibal tribe in the Amazon.

Who'd of thought it?

Well who apart from the incredibly drunk screenwriter obviously.

Intrigued by the thought of a gang of flesh eaters running an online shopping company Emanuelle decides to visit her old anthropologist buddie Dr. Mark - not the star of Oliver! - Lester (the exploitation genres very own George Clooney, Tinti), who tells her that the symbol belongs to one of the world’s last practicing cannibal tribes, tho' you'd think that they'd be pretty good at it by now.

Thanking him for useful history lesson with a quick bout of the sex, Emanuelle persuades Lester to lead an expedition to the Amazon to find the tribe.

"More bass!"

In no time at all, Lester and Emanuelle arrive in South America, first stopping off to visit an old colleague of his, Professor Wilkes (Copleston from almost every movie ever made) to get supplies - oh and have sex - (but not with the old bloke obviously) before being joined on their quest by the old man's daughter Isabel (top teen me tempting tottie Zanchi) and a random, tho' fairly sexy nun (Clementi). 

"Hello? Are you the blind man?"

Fueled (and fucked) up, our frisky foursome head off into the jungle (in reality D'amato's local garden centre) for an appointment with a mightily manbreasted missionary called Father Rick Morales, an expert on cannibals as well as God.

Which is nice.

Obviously with such a hazardous and long journey ahead of them, Emanuelle decides that it'd be best to stop every few miles for (even more) sex.

And with our luscious leading lady being a modern equal opportunities type, she makes sure that everyone gets to join in, flitting - and fondling - between the hunky Lester and the eager to learn Isabel. 

And it's during one of the movies many muff-fests that Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals' - or perhaps the whole of cinemas - greatest scene unfolds; the two ladies, whilst having a quick wash in a pond, begin fondling each other (in clinical close-up) whilst a chimpanzee sits watching them from the riverbank.

And all to a sexy jazz (mag) score.

If that  wasn't enough to cement D'Amato's place as a cinematic God tho' he pulls out all the stops by dressing the chimp in a pair of big sunglasses and forcing it to smoke a fag.

Genius on celluloid.

And before you write I, yes I am aware - as I'm sure dear Joe was, that Chimpanzees are African, not South American animals so there's probably a good reason for him being there.

Who knows there's bound to be a cut scene explaining that he was the planes co-pilot or something.

Possibly.

Just be grateful that Gemser doesn't try to have sex with it.

"Aye son!"

Bored with monkey - and master - baiting the pair soon come across (snigger) hardened adventurer Don MacKenzie (Dr. Butcher MD himself, Donald O’Brien) his Rula Lenska-like, big black cock obsessed wife Maggie (Navarro) and his 'handyman' (and owner of an aforementioned big black cock) Salvador Daley (Rent-A-Cop star Hogan).

It appears that the trio are determined to find the wreckage of a plane that went down (oooeeerr) in the jungle with a fortune in diamonds on board.

Unfortunately they have bad news concerning Morales mission; the Father is missing presumed lunch and all of the nuns have been massacred by cannibals.

Obviously no-one takes this news well and they all end up having a lot of sex in order to boost morale.

Except MacKenzie who goes to sleep.

Emanuelle struggles with a huge
(non trouser) snake. For a change.

Shagging their way across the Amazon basin for what seems like eternity, it's a blessed relief when the group are finally attacked by 'cannibals' (played with conviction by a dozen or so out of work Brazilian bin men in Beatles wigs) who, just to show how savage they really are steal Lester’s boat, most of the party’s supplies (including the cheese and onion flavoured condoms and KY jelly) and kidnap the pretty (non shagging) Nun.

Being nappy wearing primitive types tho' they have absolutely no idea what to do with her so end up tying her to a tree before stripping her naked and eating her whole.

No they don't spit that bit out.

It'll come as no surprise to find that everyone is a wee bit upset - oooh for literally minutes afterwards - by this but quickly cheer up when Don's aeroplane (with its cargo of diamonds) is found.

Celebratory sex all round then?

"Now this is podracing!"

Wouldn't you know it tho' but just as the frantic fucking is about to get interesting those kooky cannibals pop out from behind a bush and snatch Maggie.

Which is possibly much more painful than it sounds. 

 

Lester being the hunky hero type - and the only male member of the party who hasn't stuck it in her yet - hatches a plan to save her.

In any other movie this would be a great idea and possibly lead to an Indiana Jones style climactic chase.

With more bell ends obviously.

But alas this film was co-written by Romano (Zombie Holocaust) Scandariato, so this daring rescue attempt consists of Lester and Co. sneaking into the cannibal village disguised as wolves or something, sneaking up behind the cannibal chief and shouting 'look up there! it's Fred Titmus!' before grabbing Maggie and running back into the jungle.

 

I'm afraid to say - but not at all surprised - that it doesn't work.

Sex machine Salvador is quickly killed whilst Donald and Isabel taken captive leaving Lester limping about with a petted lip whilst Emanuelle sits around with the look of a woman who can't remember if she left the gas on.

Our heroines problems are of little consequence to poor Don tho' who suffers the indignity of being tied to a tree before being cut in half and forced to watch as his legs, arse and cock are scoffed by the greedy tribesmen which leaves him for all the world looking like a bizarro hand puppet.

Or it would if the whole shoddy effect wasn't achieved by Sellotaping a photocopy of the actor to a couple of rose bushes and quickly tearing it in half.

Meanwhile Isabel, being the first ginger the tribe have ever seen, has an even more convoluted fate awaiting her because being drugged, stripped naked and gang banged by the entire tribe is exploitative enough so to top it off the terrifying tree dwellers are planning to sacrifice the poor girl to their river goddess.

The official Ronco Douglas Bader
Washing Line: available now!

Have no fear tho' for it's Emanuelle's turn plan a rescue attempt and this one's a corker.

She quickly removes all her clothes before getting Lester to daub the tribe’s emblem on her belly (luckily she has a face painting kit with her).

Luckily Lester's a dab hand with a brush and before too long Emanuelle is made up to look the  spitting image of the aforementioned river goddess.

Now tell me in all seriousness that you saw that coming.

Pants.

Will Emanuelle be able to rescue Isabel in time?

Will they escape the tribes wrath?

And more importantly will they be able to fit any more shagging into the last 10 minutes of the movie?

Go on, guess.

"Look at me Emanuelle...I'm from Dudley!"

All hail the late, great Joe D'Amato as he spews forth another of his trademark ugly people having sex mixed with hard core gore 'epics' and again falls down the scary thematic thigh gap between the two genres.
 

It's not all bad tho', lovely Laura Gemser is always watchable and at least she can act, plus the amazing Monica Zanchi is far more attractive than the majority of D'Amato's female cast; all strawberry blonde locks, freckles and wide eyed innocence, looking for all the world like a cutesy librarian dropped naked into a cesspool of cannibal kinkiness.

Which is quite frankly the best description of a perfect woman as you'll ever find.

Damn you D'Amato springing Zanchi onto me as an innocent, horror loving teen.

I mean between her and Nastassja Kinski in Cat People is it any wonder it took me so long to find a girlfriend who lived up to such perfection?

As an aside I should point out that apart from being absolutely beautiful and a damn fine actress to boot Zanchi also performs the second best masturbation scene ever committed to celluloid in this very movie.

The best being Harvey Keitel's car window Nat West in The Bad Lieutenant obviously.

 

Seriously,  if you're in any way a serious film fan then Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals is worth viewing just for that scene alone because let's be honest, you're not watching it for the plot and realistic effects are you?

Well I am but that's to be expected.

Zanchi: I love her.

 And whilst it never manages to scale the dizzyingly daft heights of Erotic Nights of The Living Dead at least the sex scenes aren't as arse clenching as those featured in Emanuelle in America (no horses for one thing), the film does at least have a slightly more attractive, less warty cocked (stand up and be counted Percy Hogan) cast than is usual for a D'Amato movie and thankfully none of the animal cruelty that blights most cannibal flicks.

Because we all know that monkeys love to smoke.

And if nothing else at least you had to admire D'Amato for his perseverance.

coke zero.

A few years back I contributed some words (and pictures) to DEAD FUNNY : THE RISE OF THE ZOM-COM (which is still available by the way).

Celebrating 30 years of the zombie-themed comedy, it re-traced the path that led to Edgar Wright's benchmark 2004 production, Shaun Of The Dead and features overviews of such classics as Return Of The Living Dead, BrainDead, Bio-Zombie, amongst others.
 

 

One of the pieces I wrote for it concerns quite possibly THE greatest Jet Rock 'N' Roll film ever made.

So I thought I'd reshare it here as part of the whole 31 Days of Horror thing.

Ladies and gentlemen (and all those in between) I give you.....

Wild Zero (1999).
Dir: Tetsuro Takeuchi.
Cast:  Guitar Wolf, Drum Wolf, Billy Bass Wolf, Masashi Endô ,Makoto Inamiya, Sato Masao, Namiki Shiro, Kwancharu Shitichai, Nakajo Haruka and Morishita Yoshiyuki.

“Love has no borders, nationalities or genders! DO IT!”

The world's greatest Jet Rock 'N' Roll band, the frankly fantastic Guitar Wolf (Guitar Wolf, the late great Billy Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf - basically the holy trinity of Rock 'n' Roll greatness) have just finished playing a gig for the sinister shorted, pudding bowl haired, Karaoke obsessed 'Captain' (Inamiya from Zero Woman Returns) who being a bad man is refusing to pay our hard rockin' heroes on account of them stepping in when he was beating up a drugged lady a few scenes earlier.



Before the situation can escalate into mindless violence tho' (well just yet) the bands number one fan, the high haired Ace (Transformers: Beast Wars Metals Endô), stumbles into the office to ask for their autographs which gives the band time to pull out their guns and shoot their way out of the place.



As a thank you, the band's enigmatic front man, also named Guitar Wolf first becomes blood brothers with Ace before giving him a mysterious whistle which will alert the band if ever he needs their help.



And to think all I got last time I saw them live was a push to the ground when I tried to get my live DVD signed.



Rock 'N' Roll eh?

キャプテン私のキャプテン

And with that (and a loud howl obviously) the band disappear into the night.



The next day as Ace is heading to the next gig on his trusty moped minding his own business when he realizes that he needs petrol. Being a do-gooding reluctant hero type it'll come as no surprise that when he's queuing to pay (and buy a Snickers for the journey he manages to inadvertently foil a robbery but also save the sweetly naive (obvious) runaway Tobio (the pixie-like Shitichai) in the process.



Obviously it's love at first sight.



Or it would be if Ace wasn't late to see his heroes.



So blowing Tobio a kiss Ace heads off to the concert leaving his true love to hitch-hike home.



Or to wherever she's heading.



Which is straight into our hearts obviously.

Across town the Captain's men are out looking for Guitar Wolf but instead of finding of musical maestros they come across (not in that way) a gaggle of recently reanimated corpses out for flesh.



It appears that the dead are rising, intent on devouring the living and no-one is safe as Ace himself finds out when he runs across a group of zombies feasting on an ice cream man in the middle of the road.



Realizing that Tobio is defenseless and alone Ace hurriedly heads back to the gas station to save her.



Meanwhile the Captain is busying himself auditioning wee girls in Sailor Moon outfits to sing at his Karaoke bar.



Which is fair enough I guess.

私はゾンビがあなたに穴を食べると聞いた....彼らはそれを吐き出すかもしれないが！

If at this point you, like me were wondering what happened to the would-be robbers from earlier then fear not as we're soon back with them as they too fight against zombies, group politics and their own feelings for each other before teaming up with a tattooed, Burberry clad hitwoman (don't ask) in a Humvee and trying to find a safe place to hold out till help arrives.



Which after some broomhandle vs zombie action is what Tobio and Ace find themselves doing, hiding as they are in a deserted basement.



Overwhelmed by his feelings Ace opens his heart to Tobio and explains that  finding his one true love under such bizarre and deadly circumstances has strengthened his belief in faith and humanity before swearing his undying devotion to Her.



Overcome by such and outpouring of love Tobio tells Ace that she loves him too but has a secret she must share.



It appears that Tobio is, in fact, a fella.



Given his already slightly stressed demeanor, this news sends Ace over the edge and he storms of in a confused huff and boards himself up in a cupboard.



It's always darkest 'fore the dawn and the light that brightens this situation is a ghostly appearance from Guitar Wolf himself.



Explaining the situation to his hero Ace is soon brought to his senses by possibly the greatest speech regarding love and tolerance ever committed to celluloid as Guitar Wolf announces:

Beautiful.



Picking up a handy crow bar Ace screams out for Tobio as he heads off to save her.



Again.



Guitar Wolf meanwhile have problems of their own to deal with as the Captain angry at his minions incompetence has decided to take matters into his own hands and whilst using various members of the undead as (in)human shields is currently firing a grenade launcher at random objects in the hope of finding the band and destroying them.



I bet Bucks Fizz never had this trouble post Eurovision.

私が私を道に踏み出させたとき
私は乗るつもりです、乗る、乗るつもりです！
私が私を道に踏み出させたとき
私は乗るつもりです、乗る、乗るつもりです！
私が私を道に踏み出させたとき
誰もどこに行くべきか教えてくれませんか？いいえ！
私が私を道に踏み出させたとき
私は乗る、乗る、乗る、乗る、乗るつもりだ！

As the captain causes more and more property damage and loss of bladder control he hones in on an abandoned apartment block unleashing his entire explosive load into the building in one last attempt to crush the band.



Imagine his (and our) surprise then as out of the burning chaos leaps an unharmed Guitar Wolf , dropping to his knees and re-tuning his guitar as he lands before letting rip with some killer riffs.



Genius.



So the stage is set for a climactic battle between the forces of rock and rubbish fashions as the pair go head to head in a fight to the death.



As guns give way to fists our hero is fairly surprised when the Captain mutates into a bald super-powered mutant with laser eyes but just as Guitar Wolf looks about to be beaten Billy and Drum Wolf turn up with a handy bazooka, blowing the Captain to (ickle biddy) bits.

Phew.

Well it would be if suddenly from nowhere a fleet of UFO's didn't appear intent on destroying/enslaving the Earth......

A triumph of style, wit and substance over budgetary constraints, director Tetsuro Takeuchi's ode to true love, rock 'n' roll and high, high hair is quite possibly the greatest ever made.



Fact.



And whilst the audience may be drawn to the promise of zombies, aliens and rock 'n' roll the films true heart belongs to Ace and Tobio and the finest onscreen love story since Tony and Maria in West Side Story.



Tho' if I'm honest The Jets could probably give Guitar Wolf a run for their money if cornered.



And what of Japan's self proclaimed 'Greatest Jet Rock 'N' Roll Band'?



Well they're the leather clad, self deprecating glue that holds the whole thing together, part Elvis, part superhero team and all rock gods it's rare to see a bands energy and excitement actually captured on film so perfectly, artfully blurring the fine line 'tween reality and rocktastic fiction.

小さなギターのオオカミや巨人の足？

Referencing everything from Night Of The Living Dead to Mars Attacks! via the very best rollicking Rockabilly-fueled tunes Wild Zero is as unique as Ace's quiff is high and the world is a better place for it.



Complete and utter fun-filled genius and I love it.



And so should you.



ROCK 'N' ROLL!!!!!!

peking duck.

Came across this on Amazon Prime t'other night and realised that although I have a copy sitting on the shelf I'd never actually watched it.

Well I have now.

Interesting eh?

The Mighty Peking Man (AKA 猩猩王, Gorilla King, Goliathon. 1977).
Dir: Ho Meng Hua.
Cast: Danny Lee, Evelyne Kraft, Feng Ku, Chen Ping, a big monkey and some other folk that I can't be arsed listing.

Action...Excitement...Spectacle beyond your wildest dreams and maybe a hint of lady breast!

After the always impressive Shaw Brother’s shower screen-based logo and the promise of some patented Shaw-Scope action our story opens at the famous Hong Kong Library of Things where besuited business bloke Lu Tien (Ku from Inframan) has gathered a group of his pals together in order to look at a newspaper featuring a photo of a footprint pertaining to belong to the prehistoric Peking Man who lives somewhere in the Himalayas.

It seems (well according to the wobbly dissolve flashback it does) that this big brute has recently destroyed a model village and a polystyrene mountain much to the chagrin of a group of black-faced extras who look equally bemused and confused as a moth-eaten ape that varies in size between shots growls grumpily whilst squashing them.

After this frighteningly realistic foray into the fury of nature we're back at the library where Lu Tien proposes that they mount an expedition (as opposed  to a wee boy) to capture the giant then get rich by giving him his own daytime TV show.

But who will lead this expedition?

Enter (roughly from behind) the greatest explorer in all Hong Kong, the Elvis haired  Johnny 'Fimbles' Feng (HK action god Lee) who as luck would have it has just fallen out with his girlfriend and is looking for something to take his mind of it.

Your dad's taking the divorce well.

Cue scratchy holiday film intercut with stock footage of animals and various beggars as - by the beauty of time-lapse - we can witness the entire (almost) journey to their first base camp in a matter of minutes as a fleet of ox-drawn wagons wobble and  trundle along dirt roads as an adventurous type score swells in the back and our heroes spend the time smoking fags and pointing at stuff.

On arrival our intrepid heroes discover that the village is deserted save for a huge blanket with rampaging elephants projected onto it.

Oh hang on I think those are actually meant to be real elephants.

It convinces the explorers tho' as they all run around shooting at random stuff whilst trying not to get squashed.

The director, quickly growing tired of all this excitement, shoos the elephants away enabling the expedition - and the film - to continue.

But not until Johnny has poured his heart out with regards to the girl he was set to marry shagging his TV director sibling Charlie which sent him careering into drink and depravity that culminated in him leading the expedition.

“You’ve got it made Johnny.” says his sexy mustached unnamed colleague, “Just grab the monster, take it back to Hong Kong and then you’ll be able to get any woman you want!”

Which is fair enough I guess.

With a knowing smile Johnny heartily agrees before telling the group it's bedtime.

What a guy.

Jackie Chan, up the casino, Wigan, 1977.....Yesch!

No sooner have the motley band of explorers had a shave 'n' shite the next morning when they're attacked by a tiger and chased into quicksand (it never rains) luckily Johnny chases the beast away but not before it's eaten one of the native bearers (rubber) legs.

Just to remind everyone that he's a wee bit of a patented bastard Lu Tien shoots the poor bloke in the face - his excuse? Well his cries of pain may attract predators.

Or maybe rats.

No time to mourn tho' as the expedition has reached the Himalayas and there's climbing to be done.

And more nameless extras to die in the name of adventure obviously.

As they - finally - reach the summit, Lu Tien, being a coward as well as being a trigger-happy bastard decides that he's bored and wants to go home.

Or at least back to his nice hotel in order to have some of 'the sex' with the local ladies.

Which is fair enough I guess.

Johnny tho' has other ideas (he's read the script) and excitedly rallies the remaining explorers who head further into the jungle where they catch glimpse of a semi-nude blonde cavorting thru the trees.

Giving chase the merry band soon come across a giant footprint that they assume belongs to the fabled (mighty) Peking Man so decide to set up camp for the night right next to it in the hope that he may return.

Unfortunately that evening Lu Tien bribes the surviving party members with a secret stash of Opal Fruits and persuades them to return to the hotel with him leaving poor Johnny alone without food or water.

Awaking suddenly the next morn to find himself totally alone with only an empty Pot Noodle container and a crumpled pile of stiff tissues for company, Johnny decides to cheer himself up by going for a walk across the studio backlot - sorry thru the jungle where suddenly, out of the blue a giant gorilla arm appears and picks him up before depositing him at the feet of  a smooth, milky thighed blonde (Kraft) clad only in a tiny leather bikini.

Kraft: Cheese.

Speaking in a strange jungle tongue (which sounds a wee bit like she's from Lower Gornal if I'm honest) our (shammy) leather clad lovely persuades the big monkey not to squash (or fuck) Johnny but instead to carry him to her bachelorette love cave where after some sexy fruit eating a whirlwind romance (featuring scenes of Kraft spinning cheetahs around her head till they're sick alongside shots of her amusingly getting elephants to give Johnny a trunk job and the like all cut to a bright and breezy 70s J-Pop ditty) begins 'tween the pair.

But it's not all fun and games (seriously I don't think it'll ever get that far) as we're soon into tragic backstory territory as one sunny afternoon the pair come across the wreckage of an airplane in a clearing in the trees - behind the bins obviously - and the merest sight of this (and the two papermache skeletons in the cockpit) causes our blonde beauty to start sobbing and wailing whilst randomly pointing at the bony pair screaming "PAPA! MAMA! BURNY! BURNY! BANG! BANG! WEEEEEEEEE!"

Scrabbling thru the corpses pockets for loose change Johnny finds a crumpled photograph of what he assumes to be the jungle girl as a child alongside her parents which prompts her to start dribbling into her cleavage and waving her arms about as she attempts to convey the sorry tale of how she arrived in the jungle.

It appears that when her family were flying back from the local Asda one weekend a terrible (as in badly matted) storm caused their plane to crash.

She was thrown clear - as opposed to tossed off obviously) before it was engulfed by flames and the next morn discovered by the Mighty Peking Man who adopted her.

Seems legit.

Having one last rummage thru' the wreckage for any unopened beers or bags of  crisps Johnny finds a diary that reveals the fact that her name is actually Samantha.

And on that bombshell the pair return to frolicking thru' the trees to a sexy samba beat.

"Oh look....somewhere to park my bike!"

The fun and happiness doesn't last long tho' as when Samantha (as we'll now call her as it's much quicker to type than 'flaxen haired jungle Jane' or 'milky thighed bombshell') sits down on a convenient rock to have a quick snack a deadly Cobra slithers up her leg and bites her inner thigh leaving Johnny no other option than to bury his head 'tween her legs and start sucking.

Which lets be honest is nice work if you can get it.

Luckily a nearby elephant picks up Samantha and carries her off to her cave where Johnny can continue his fantastic first aid technique in more comfortable surroundings.

Meanwhile back in civilization Lu Tien is busying himself touching up local prostitutes in the hotel swimming pool just to remind us that he's a bad 'un whilst at the cave Samantha is quickly recovering and as a thank you to Johnny for saving her life she stumbles into his arms for a wee kiss followed by a bit of bedroom action as the big monkey watches from outside living up to his name of the mighty peeking man.

Sorry.

Fancy trainers not shown.

All these jungle hi-jinks (and long lingering slo-mo shots of Samantha's smooth undulating breasts) can't carry on forever tho' and soon Johnny is yearning for the bright lights of the big city and scarily manages to persuade saucy Sam that they should head back to Hong Kong and take the (Mighty) Peking Man with them.

With Samantha now utterly enslaved by Johnny's cock (well she's only flesh and blood) she excitedly agrees and the trio head off to India where they can hitch a ride to Hong Kong thanks to Lu Tien and his huge freighter.

And yes they do all do appear to have forgotten that he's a bad man.

Thanks to some stunning model work (and someones bathtub) we're off on the high seas where the Mighty Peking Man is having a wet old time being chained to the deck of a freighter during a storm as a soggy Samantha looks on.

And if that wasn't a metaphor for BREXIT I don't know what is.

Luckily Johnny has bought her a (very) little present to cheer her up and fit in when they arrive in Hong Kong, unfortunately it appears that he wants her to fit in to the red light district seeing as the gift consists of a teeny tiny pair of leather hot pants and a basque.

Classy.

Being a modern free-thinking woman tho' Samantha throws the outfit away before falling back onto her bunk in all her naked glory to drift into sleep thinking about big hairy hands and bananas.

Class.

With the movie almost over we're soon in Hong Kong where crowds of (fairly) excited extras are randomly pointing at where the FX team will hopefully superimpose the Mighty Peking Man and his model boat at some point but whilst we're waiting for that  there's just enough time for Johnny to check in on his brother Charlie at the TV station.

After a quick chat Johnny realises that his brother wasn't to blame for the previous infidelity and that it was all the fault of his whorish girlfriend and with that Johnny and Samantha settle down to watch the recording of the Honk Kong equivalent of The Mini-Pops.

Phew glad that's sorted.

Whilst they're enjoying the sight of a pre-pubescent girl miming to The Spice Girls hit Wannabe who should enter the studio but Johnny’s ex-fiancé Lucy (Ping from Da lao qian, Big Bad Sis and Feng kuang da ben zei) who sneakily passes him a note to meet her in her dressing room.

Johnny leaps up and goes to see her where she begs him to take her back and Johnny -being stupid - passionately kisses her just as Samantha walks in.

Heartbroken Samantha runs off into the city (a veritable concrete jungle if you will) and Johnny gives chase.

Unfortunately he keeps tripping over his erection and soon loses sight of her.

"Look at me! I'm from Cradley Heath!"

Meanwhile the poor Peking Man is having a pretty shite time of it himself, chained as he is to a huge pole whilst overweight Chinese folk throw fruit at him as he attempts to juggle a couple of Tonka toys.

Catching a glimpse of these woeful shenanigans on a shop front TV, Samantha bursts into tears before persuading a couple of British tourists to drive her to the stadium where her monkey mate is performing.

She arrives just in time to catch his keepers amusing themselves by trying to push their brooms up his arse so desperately looks for anyone who can help.

Unfortunately for her the person in charge is Lu Tien and never one to not take advantage of a situation invites Samantha back to his office to 'discuss' the matter.

Taking a fairly sinister and totally unnecessary turn, Lu Tien is soon forcing alcohol into Samantha's mouth whilst pawing at her breasts with his chubby sausage fingers as she struggles to break free, finally pulling back the (non beef) curtains allowing the Peking Man to see her plight.

Understandably enraged he breaks free and heads over to the office as a terrified Lu Tien bundles Samantha into the back of his car in the hope of finding a nearby hotel where he can continue his monstrous molestation.

Ping Chen: Hairy back and arse not shown.

Cue ten minutes of cut-price Kaiju style action as the Peking Man stomps on cars and pisses up a couple of cardboard buildings as he attempts to save Samantha from Lu Tien's rancid uncut cock.

Whilst all this pound shop destruction is going down the local (British natch) military have launched a counter-attack and ordered their entire (toy) tank squad to hunt down the beast and destroy him but luckily Johnny nd points out that Samantha can control the Peking Man and probably get him to stop smashing stuff so an APB is sent out to find Samantha who as we know is currently pinned face down on a bed as Lu Tien clumsily fiddles with his flies as he attempts to not prematurely fire his man muck over her peachy arse.

Luckily for Samantha (and her virgin ring) just as leery Lu Tien is about to unleash his engorged member the Peking Man pops his hand thru' the window and grabs him, waving him about before dropping the pervy ponce on the concrete and finally stepping on him.

Result.

Peow!

As Johnny desperately searches for Samantha and Samantha runs around the city in her pants the Peking Man amuses himself by stepping on, well everything really before climbing to the top of a skyscraper and baring his arse at the army helicopters.

Reckoning that a poorly aimed monkey fart could send him toppling down the army decide to fill the roof with petrol and set light to it so to this end send a crack squad to the roof.

Down below Samantha and Johnny are finally reunited and race to the frontline in the hope of convincing the head army man to order a cease-fire so they can head to the roof themselves and calm the Peking Man down.

Army man agrees but as our terrific twosome journey upwards the military are already planning to kill the Peking man.

And anyone who gets in their way..... 

Words!

From the prolific Shaw Brothers directorial mainstay Ho Meng Hua comes this Hong Kong/King Kong mash-up that was all set to rival not only the original King Kong but Dino De Laurentiis' Kong remake at the box office.

Until that is they discovered that it takes more than a couple of tin tanks, an old fur coat and a Swiss bombshell not afraid to furtively flash her nipples to make a classic monster movie.

And no, basing the female leads outfit on the one Marion Michael (barely) wore in Liane, das Mädchen aus dem Urwald doesn't count either.

And if I'm honest it only makes you feel guilty for remembering how obsessed you were with her as a teen.

Michael: Barry more.

It's not all bad tho'

I mean any movie that features HK action icon Danny Lee fighting stuffed leopards and shooting elephants can't be all that bad plus Evelyne Kraft manages to pull of the whole jungle virgin shtick with aplomb whilst wearing what looks like a leather duster on her arse whilst Feng Ku makes a great panto style villain - until the unnecessary attempted rape that is, a scene that's as unwanted as it is uncomfortable in what until this point has been a pretty straightforward boys own adventure.

Albeit one with a veritable feast of nipple slips.

Meng Hua Ho's direction is pretty solid - if a little point and shoot - whilst the score (credited to Yung-Yu Chen) is mainly made up of classic De Wolfe library tracks alongside copious amounts of Dmitri Dmitriyevich Shostakovich which give it an air of - threadbare - elegance.

Or laziness when it comes to the soundtrack, you decide.

Kraft: Slices.

Easily as entertaining as it's stablemates - the South Korean-American co-production A.P.E. (1976) and the Italian monster mash-up Yeti: Giant Of The 20th Century (1977) and scarily slightly better budgeted, The Mighty Peking Man is a perfect Friday night cheese feast of a film for anyone who enjoys a good monster movie or just enjoys seeing hunky Chinese guys topless.

Recommended,

general franco.

I originally (re)reviewed this about 5 years back in the hope of getting a shiny BluRay copy off 88 Films when they re-released it but neither them - or any other bugger - bothered to read the review.

So here it is again.

You're welcome.

Devil Hunter (AKA Il Cacciatore di Uomini, Sexo Cannibal, Man Hunter, Mandingo Man Hunter. 1980).

Dir: Jess Franco.

Cast: Al Cliver, Burt Altman, Aline Mess, Ursula Buchfellner, Yul Sanders, Gisela Hahn, Werner Pochath, Antonio de Cabo, Melo Costa, Robert (not the one from The Black Hole) Foster and Muriel Montossé.

Primark's most popular leggings model, the Lego haired temptress Laura Crawford (ball faced former Playboy bunny and Sadomania star Buchfellner) has everything - the prettiest frocks to the hunkiest boyfriend and the largest collection of slingback court shoes known to man.

The only thing she doesn't have (apart from any discernible acting talent obviously) is the respect of her long suffering assistant - the brunette bombshell Jane (the terrifyingly tight arsed Hahn).

Suffice to say that Jane hates Laura's guts.

Not content with venting her frustrations the normal way (you know, like poohing in her bed or putting itching powder in her vest) the jealous witch hatches a frankly bonkers plan that involves getting Crawford abducted then legging it to Rio (or Saltcoats, whichever's cheaper) with the ransom money as soon as the world's fashion photographers/film producers pay up.

Or something.

Enlisting the help of her bad boy buddies - led by the Skeletor like Vietnam vet Thomas (actor and art director, Cabo from the classic Aberraciones sexuales de una mujer casada - no me neither), they decide to forgo the usual kidnapping conventions of hiding the victim in a convenient bed and breakfast (or even a car boot) and take her to a region of uncharted cannibal infested jungle and lock her in an old shed instead.

They've obviously not seen the aforementioned Cannibal Terror or they'd have some idea - however vague - of how this might pan out.

It's not long tho' before everyone involved is bored senseless with playing Twister and charades  - and scuffing their elbows on the walls - so reckon it'd be much more fun to tie Laura to a tree and touch her up a wee bit.

Could her day get any worse?

Umm.....maybe, because it appears that there's an honest to goodness scary monster living in the jungle.

And by scary monster I actually mean a big black man, stark bollock naked apart from a pair of pound shop googly eyed glasses.

No, really.

The Devil (Altman, who does whatever an Altman can allegedly) as he is known by the locals, spends his days wandering around the jungle shagging then eating - or is it the other way round? - any women he comes across.

And I mean that quite literally.

"Are you the farmer?"

The scarily sexy cannibal high priestess (Mess from Diamonds of Kilimandjaro where she appears alongside the yumsome Katja Bienert) keeps the horny devil's libido at bay by sacrificing various buxom ladies to him on a weekly basis in a ceremony that is as intricate and breast obsessed as it is unnecessarily long winded.

Firstly she hypnotizes the unwilling victims with a sweaty lap dance before dragging them naked to a secluded lagoon where even more naked ladies scrub them clean and tie them to a tree ready to be diddled with  - in glorious technicolour - by Altman.

Which is nice work if you can get it.

Laura’s producer pal Brian has no option but to mount a rescue attempt and to this end hires hunky mercenary (and all round love god) Peter Weston (the legend that is Cliver) and his big hipped, manbreasted Vietnam flashback obsessed sidekick Jack (Foster) to fly in and seal the deal.

As opposed to clubbing it to death obviously.

Having a limited running time tho' it's not long before the dynamic duo are facing off against the crazy kidnappers in a pitched gun battle, unaware that the horny Altman is slowly moving in for the kill.

Or at least a swift hand-job off Cliver - I mean, which hot blooded male wouldn't?

After an indeterminable amount of shootings, chasing and gratuitous arse shots our heroes end up lost in the jungle (or the local garden centre, take your pick) but luckily find a mysterious - and topless - 'girl on a yacht' (bird-faced beauty, singing sensation and regular Franco femme Montossé) who, after bouncing about on deck (and on Cliver) for a bit offers to help our heroes in their quest.

Hugh Quarshie was suitably impressed with the brand new Ronco Holly Willoughby doorbell.

Unfortunately for all concerned time is running out.

It appears that Altman has become bewitched by the blonde Laura and will stop at nothing in his quest to vigorously plant his rotten zombie seed inside her mysterious - and scarily overgrown - lady garden.

What follows promises to be an apocalyptic assault on the senses that will shred your nerves and possibly more than a few boxes of tissues.

Laugh now!

After a girlie tiff with top producer Erwin Dietrich, Franco fucked off to the jungle in a strop and decided to film this masterpiece alongside the classic Mondo Cannibale, hence the appearance of the same cast, locations, shirts and obviously Caucasian actors blacked up pretending to be cannibals etc.

But whereas that movie has at least some redeeming qualities in it's (unintentionally) funny performances, Devil Hunter is played dead straight (tho' I use the word 'played' loosely, most of the cast look too drunk to do anything other than hopefully hit there mark and mumble banal dialogue that'll be overdubbed at a later date).

Even the usually fantastic Cliver can't save this one, reduced as he is to sitting topless on a boat, his hairy nipples erect and his luxurious mustache swaying in the cool breeze as he tosses bottles into the dirty water surrounding him, all the time looking like a condemned man praying for salvation.

Which, if I'm honest even he manages to make look sexy.

What a guy.

Always the auteur, Franco - in his infinite wisdom - decided to waylay the horror and violence and instead fill the movie with spasmodic zooms towards Buchfellner and Mess's front bums, hoping that these would stun the viewers into submission and detract from the frightening amount of scenes showing an Altman's eye view of a myriad of naked women of varied degrees of attractiveness running thru' trees whilst screaming badly.

Which is a brave move by anyone's standards and whilst the thought of Franco following a variety of European non-actresses around, concentrating on their ample arses bouncing about as they go may sound appealing after a while it only achieves the effect of making the viewer feel slightly nauseous.

And filled with the urge to tuck into a massive sausage filled burger bun.

Erotic? racist? or just erotically racist?

Saying that, if you enjoy Franco's work (which frankly we all do) then you'll at least find something to enjoy.

If only Cliver's comedy 'tache and Buchfellner's fright fringe.

Which is two more recommendations than you'd get for Sadomaster.