space grape.

I'll make this a quick one seeing as I'm still suffering the after effects of viewing this lost 'masterpiece'.

Which reminds me, does anyone know how to get rid of bloody stools?

Groom Lake (AKA The Visitor, 2002).
Dir: William Shatner.
Cast: William Shatner, Dan Gauthier, Amy Acker and Tom Towles.

“When life on this planet ceases to exist, then all that infinite space will be without life...But if there’s other life out there, it proves that we aren’t an accident, that we’re part of a process, a continuum as endless and timeless as space itself.”

For those of you who don't know (or care) Groom Lake is a salt flat situated in the Nevada desert on the north of Area 51.

A quasi-secret military facility, it's main job is to fill the night skies with pant wettingly freaky Justin Bieber style laser light shows in order to convince the local populace that UFO's genuinely exist therefore covering up the launches of the many secret aircraft tested on the site.

Luckily there's a twist to all this Po-faced sub X Files/Project: UFO bollocks because the facilities commander, the ruggedly handsome John Gossner (Shatner, no introduction necessary) actually has a real spaceship and it's occupant alien hiding in the basement as they attempt to send him/it home.

What are the chances eh?

"Are you lookin' at mah bra?"

Meanwhile back in the desert the sickly (in more ways than one) sweet Kate (Angel star Acker) and her massive arse of a boyfriend Andy (Gauthier, whose claim to fame seems to be playing the co-pilot from episode 1 of Lost) have come out to Groom Lake so that the poor girl (who has recently been diagnosed with terminal gout and rickets) can sit under the stars one last time before she dies.

And maybe even see a flying saucer.

Acker: rickets.

Tho' had she know that she was going to have to suffer thru' 90 minutes of no budget, no mercy soul searching intercut with moments of Dan Gauthier's character veering madly and nonsensically between sensitive guy and arsehole without rhyme nor reason whilst horror stalwart Towles attempts to convince us he's acting against a real snake then I'm pretty sure she'd have offed herself before the opening titles.

"Fuck me it's Fred Titmuss!"

Which, if I'm honest would have probably been a good thing seeing as all we'd have had left would be the legend that is Bill Shatner stomping around an army base gruffly shouting at government types whilst trying to save an alien (in this case uniquely portrayed as an old man in a nappy) from something slight, incomprehensible and shoddily realized.

Which really isn't Shatner's fault seeing as the poor sod has been given a budget of roughly $75 to make an earthbound equivalent of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

In saying that, once he saw that the cash for the hi-tech military base would only stretch to painting his garage white and decorating it with a few second hand I-macs he maybe should have scaled down his ambition.

Or just spent the cash on pizza and booze for those six of us who actually sat thru' it.

What's big, brown and shags old ladies? Bill Shatner in his big, brown granny shagging suit!

Especially the scene where, after being stranded in the desert due to Andy rolling his car in a fit of pique, Kate is apparently sexually assaulted by a local stetson wearing family who are convinced she's an alien.

And it's this scene that showcases the movies wildly schizophrenic tone,  two-thirds of which plays out like a bad 70's TV pilot that's constantly fighting for space against a really serious tale regarding the nature of life and mortality.

Tho' as a plus point you do get to see Acker's pants.

Dad.

Acting wise the movie stumbles drunkenly between the good (Shatner, Acker and Towles - on top form here as a psychotic truck driver), the bad (Gauthier) and the frankly abysmal (everyone else) with some performances so hideous as to become almost psychologically painful to watch.

No wonder it's been so long since the last update, you're lucky I'm still not playing in my own shite after this.

Tho' if you're a fan of Shatner (and who isn't?) you're gonna have to go out and watch it anyway.

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

The bad movie bar of 2013 has been raised so high that anyone wanting to beat it has probably got to film their movie in orbit.