tree-mendous.

Just got sent this in reply to my review of the frankly fantastic Freddie Francis classic Tales That Witness Madness.

If you haven't seen it/read it do so now otherwise you'll just get scared.

No, really.

According to an interview in Closer magazine (other incest and death filled lifestyle magazines are available), man-handed, Evil Dead fan (possibly) Emma McCabe admitted that - just like Michael Jayston in the aforementioned movie - she's in love with a tree.


It seems that after a series of failed relationships with dozens of unsuitable guys who just wouldn't leaf her alone, she decided to branch out and fell in love with a tree in her local park called Tim.

I shit you not.

Or should that be knot?

Tim the tree yesterday just before he gave Emma a fucking good rooting.

“My feelings are genuine. I’ve had boyfriends, but never connected with anyone like Tim,” The 31 year old mentalist mumbled as she attempted fellatio on a pine cone before continuing “I’m in love and would like to get married. I look at other trees, but don’t touch — I wouldn’t cheat on Tim...unless it was with a particularly sexy cactus, I mean just imagine all the pricks.”

“He fulfills my emotional and sexual needs. I orgasm by rubbing against the bark naked,” Emma admitted as she playfully fondled a nearby pile of dog shit encrusted leaves “I love the feeling of skin-on-bark contact, which gives me a more pleasurable pain sensation, and the feel of his leaves against my skin makes me tingle. I have sex with him every week — it’s the best I’ve ever had!” 

 

"Leaf me alone!"

Apparently not realizing that the entire country is currently taking the piss out of her Emma went on to say that she sees Tim four times a week where they "just talk" and that she plans to marry him.

Surprisingly her family think that she's fruitloops and refuse to talk about it.

I phoned a scientist-type mate of mine (yes I do have friends) who said that he reckons that Emma may suffer from dendrophilia, a condition in which a person is sexually attracted to or aroused by trees.

Well either that or she's strapped for cash and decided to make up a story in order to get paid 250 quid that she can then blow on cheap drink and kebabs.

Either way you have to admire her style.

If not her massively ball-like face.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as.