standby for action!

Celebrating the genius of Gerry Anderson on his birthday with 60 minutes of Spectrum Sounds and Terrahawk tunes in one mighty Mysteron mix.....

 

 

doctor in distress.

 

It's time to celebrate the return of the children's hero that adults adore coming back to our screens  - and looking as great as ever - after spending the last couple of years languishing in the backwaters of audience popularity. 

Suffice to say it's been an odd few years as a Doctor Who fan.

Sorry, enthusiast.

I was at Longleat, your argument is invalid.

 

To fill in those who have lives, it all started with the much maligned Jodie Whittaker era which decided that after years of fairly fast moving and exciting plots coupled with genuinely charismatic actors (and Jenna Coleman) and a menagerie of terrifying monsters to relaunch the show with a cast of cardboard non-personalities (and Bradley Walsh), stumbling about bits of South Africa reciting obvious first drafts of scripts before turning to camera and explaining the point of it all.

A particularly bold move was to cast a genuinely funny and likeable actress in the lead then proceed to make her reign all of that in giving us a one-note version of your favourite drunken aunt performing a fairly atrocious impression of David Tennant whilst scrunching her (albeit fairly cute) button nose and then tear up the shows entire backstory for no other reason than to make sense of a throwaway scene from The Brain of Morbius. 

As Jodie left in a nostalgia-fueled tale that still makes absolutely fuck all sense it looked like the writing was on the wall for our favourite show until Russell 'T' Davies stepped back into the breach to save us all.

And with a message for any of us worried that the faux-caring, sharing, lefty lecturing would continue:

 

Phew! Less moralizing messaging and more monsters, Masters and mad adventures ahoy! 

And then this happened:

 

 

What a time to be a Doctor Who fan.

A proper one I mean, not one of those anorak-clad wankers with NHS specs that the Metro was talking about.

 

Anyway to help remember the good times let's enjoy this look back at probably THE greatest bit of Who inspired entertainment ever.

Unless you're one of the few folk who read the original review back in 2007 in which case enjoy again.

Abducted By The Daleks (AKA Abducted by The Daloids, 2005)   

Dir: Don Skaro (Aye sure).

Cast: Eliza Borecka, Sonja Karina, Lina Black, Maria Vaslova and The Daleks.

Who buys this shite?...oh yes, me.

It's a cold wet night in November and a banged up and rusty Ford Fiesta is trundling down a deserted country lane.

Tho' to be honest it's not as banged up as the occupants.

And what of those occupants?

Please welcome our  'young' (well, younger than your nan) leads, a freaky foursome of plastic of tit and very harsh of face Eastern European women heading home after a hard days work letting Soho media types spunk in their hair for coppers.

Tragedy  strikes tho' when they run over an extraterrestrial being who - to all intents and purposes was out for a stroll and minding his own business - smudging their lipstick and totaling the motor in the process.

So far so Torchwood.

If that wasn't enough to put a downer on the evening (the crash I mean not comparing the whole thing to everyone's favourite Who spin-off - sorry Class) it turns out that the woods our crack whore heroines have found themselves in are said to be the hunting ground of a particularly mental murderer type bloke and ex member of The Streets (ask your mum), the amusingly monikered 'Serial Skinner'.

At least in this light you
can't see how harsh they look.

Being girls, they decide that the best course of action would be to abandon the relative safety of the car and wander around in the darkened woods and look for help.

Or a way out of the despair that is Brexit Britain if they're lucky.

Whilst skulking about in the bushes (armed with a handy torch) one of our foxy foursome trips over some roots, twisting her ankle and loses her clothes in the process.

But things are about to turn even more sinister tho' for watching the scene from space are the dreaded Daleks, bubbling lumps of hate trapped inside bonded polycarbide war machines and determined to exterminate all inferior life forms.

Using a Trans-Mat beam (cunningly disguised as a mid eighties Top of the Pops effect) they transport the injured woman aboard their spacecraft. 

Spookily she doesn't seem to notice as she continues to crouch down and rub her ankle whilst the Daleks glide menacingly round her.

Ignore the nudity just check the neck on the red Dalek!

It appears that the Daleks are kidnapping humans to examine and study in preparation for an invasion of Earth.

Again.

Which, if I'm honest is quite lucky seeing as it means that Who fans - sorry 'enthusiasts' - can make it a semi-official prequel to The Dalek Invasion of Earth and therefore not worry about whether it's 'canon' or not and just enjoy furiously masturbating over the home-made casings on show.

Anyway, back to the plot and the three other ladies are still in the woods arguing about whether to look for their missing friend or strip naked and rub each other in a slightly unnatural and incredibly wooden manner. 

Decisions, decisions.

Luckily one of the girls (the least chiseled one) volunteers to look for their pal, meaning the other pair can happily indulge in the uncomfortable (for them and us) stroking of each others harsh, cold bodies.

See? everyone's a winner in this film.

Except the estate of the late, great Terry Nation that is as I'm pretty sure they've not paid for the rights to the Daleks.

But I digress.

Fortunately (for us) these sexy shenanigans are cut short when they too are trans-matted aboard the Dalek ship ready to be experimented on.

These experiments by the way appear to consist of sticking two of the ladies to the wall with tin foil and cardboard straps whilst a Dalek aimlessly fires balls of yellowy melted cheese at their shoes.

The other captive just lies on a decorating table wiggling her arse.

And grunting like a pig.

Too. Much. Acting.

Just as you're contemplating slashing your wrists the last lady is brought aboard, but lo and behold it transpires that she's really an evil spandex clad alien in league with the Daleks!

Be honest you didn't see that coming. 

I mean you heard it obviously but definitely didn't see it.

Beats Rodney Bewes I guess.

Having had enough of their shoes being abused (and possibly getting a sore back from the table) our fearless heroines escape from the torture lab in a blaze of strobe lights, fog and shitey laser effects, only to be gunned down by their evil captors.

One survives (umm...the blonde one) and manages to reverse the T-Mat, returning (naked apart from her aforementioned hideous footwear) to the woods where she is quickly captured by Albert Steptoe (probably but let's be honest do you really care?) who just happens to be hunting the 'Serial Skinner'.

Albert decides to use her as bait, tying her to a tree and hiding in a bush (not hers) whilst waiting - but not alas wanking - for the Skinner to pounce.

A (non serial killer but radio-based) Skinner yesterday.

Bound and gagged (yay! no more of that gruff accent) she can only watch on in horror as the Skinner kills old man Steptoe (which is more than we can seeing as it happens off screen) and advance menacingly towards her.


To her - and our - horror she realizes that the infamous Skinner is actually an evil alien.

And I have to be honest, the creature's reveal is one of the few moments of terror in the whole production, decked out as it is in a red shell suit, sporting what looks like a cheap pound shop turtles mask and armed with a tiny wee pen knife.

I was shaking like a shaky thing as he prepared to skin the girl by drawing on her breasts in lipstick.

For what seems like twenty minutes.

Did I say terrifying?.

Sorry I meant to say utter shite.

Don't worry tho' because just as he goes to put it in her, the Skinner gets beamed aboard the Dalek spaceship 'by mistake' (either that or they fancied a bit of cock for a change) leaving the lady trussed up like a turkey and covered in lippy tied against a tree.

Fade to black, it's a couple of days later and the (still naked and surprisingly even harsher lit) survivor is telling her tale of woe to a couple of nonchalant policemen.

Interestingly one of which looks like Matt Berry but with a squeaky voice. 

This is in no way important, it's just that I felt like sharing.

Sorry.

They dismiss her story as utter bollocks but announce that someone has arrived at the station to collect her......

The poor woman looks on in terror as the room is filled with cries of EXTERMINATE!

Davros farted...and it's an eggy one.

It appears that some 'critics' have been a tad unkind to this film, so I'd like to say that Don Skaro (possibly not the directors real name) has crafted a sinister yet sexy tale of alien abduction that belies it's low budget, soft core roots. 

The performances from the first time cast are top notch, the effects are a wonder to behold and the shocking ending will burn itself onto your memory and haunt you for years to come.

Yes, I'd love to say those things if any of them were true but unfortunately the film is utter shite from start to finish.

Matt Berry, Mark Kermode and Jo Whiley
discuss environmental issues yesterday.

But saying that,  if you're a fan of bottle bleached, middle aged and stony faced illegally imported European women battling 'the strange robot people from BBC TV's Doctor Who' whilst standing in a hastily tin foiled garage tho' then this is the film for you.

From dizzying shots of the girls buttock skirting hemlines and horrendous market store shoes to a fantastically half arsed lesbian scene (with visibly giggling ladies) via the bizarro Dalek S & M torture chamber - complete with stolen Star Trek sound effects - the film hits the 'wrong wrong wrong' button so many times it's a wonder it didn't drop off from overuse.

It's wrong on so many levels and not just because none of the casings match.

Fair play to the producers tho' who were confident enough that people would purchase this quality product just because it has the Daleks in it rather than for the pale arsed, silicon enhanced grannies cavorting around in the woods naked in it.

I mean they even replace lead actress Lina Black halfway thru with Maria Vaslova (due to her being on holiday or something)  and no-one noticed as viewers were too busy making notes regarding the Dalek casings on show.

And purchase they did.

This was possibly helped by the outrage shown by that quality newspaper The Sun when it's headline screamed:
 
"BEEB bosses have gone ballistic after discovering the Daleks are starring in a porn flick!"

I'd pop the link up but the story was deleted years ago so you'll have to take my word for it. 

Mum, Dad I'm sorry.

 
We should also give them credit too for actually featuring the Daleks and not some amusingly named vaguely Dalek shaped villain (ala the Alicia Rhodes starrer Dr. Loo and the Phaleks), seeing as most Doctor Who based porn movies (of which there are a few, trust me) appear to think that calling the lead characters time machine the 'TURDIS' is worthy of a Talbot Rothwell 'Carry On' script and enough to keep folk happy.

But compared to a certain Pertwee story that features only three of those infamous meanies, a blonde that flashes her pants at every opportunity and unconvincing green aliens,  Abducted By The Daleks is slightly more enjoyable and has a better plot.

Plus it's a load more enjoyable - and way less preachy - than anything the actually show has produced in the last 7 years.

Yes, that's THE Karla Romana!

Saying that tho' even the (late lamented) Adult Channel's very own Doctor Who based porn show from about 20 years back (cleverly entitled 'Doctor Screw', must have taken hours that one) was a work of utter genius compared to what passes as quality Who today and deserves a special mention.

I mean it even based a few of it's installments on actual episodes, for example in a riff of the Paul Cornell classic 'Father's Day', The Doctor travels back in time to 1969 so he can shag his companion Holly's 'swinger' mother. 

Which let's be honest is more exciting than watching Billie Piper crying over a ginger bloke getting hit by a Volvo in slow motion as a big black rubber chicken tries to eat Christopher Eccleston whole.

Which is a bit they usually spit out. 

 

 

It loses points tho' for having the tagline 'Shagging his way through time' and having a lead actor (a genuinely funny and likeable turn from Mark Sloan) with really crap facial fuzz and hair.

Which obviously would never happen in the real show.*

Haircut.

Doctor Screw Sucking a lemon yesterday.

But it really doesn't matter what I say, if you're a Doctor Who completest you'll have purchased all of these anyway. 

Probably more likely two copies of each; one for best and one for weekends.

I only bought it for review purposes and then only to give as a birthday present when I'd finished.

Honest.

 

*This for our American readers is what we call sarcasm.