pissed with paulin, lashed with lawson.

Just been sent the Late Review drinking game by certified Unwell reader Ali and thought I'd share, it's quite funny especially if you're one of the six people that actually tunes into Late Review.

Lawson: Smooth criminal.

For those of you who don't know/care, Late Review is a Thursday night Arts programme on BBC2. A panel of Arts 'critics' discuss plays, films, books, galleries etc, and hate everything (except Tony Parsons who just keeps shouting 'Viddy Well'), while presenter Mark Lawson slouches in his chair, looking like a slightly bemused (albeit sweater) version of Mother from The Avengers.

Obviously you'll need some booze.

Enjoy!



Germaine Greer, one of the best-known Feminists around, tells you she's a Feminist. "Well, as a Feminist I have to look at this a certain way" - One finger.

Greer: Sex criminal.

Tom Paulin doesn't like what he's reviewing. His expression goes from mortally offended, to deeply upset and about to cry, to viciously aggressive. He ends up shrieking in fury like Bagpuss on PCP at the artist in question. Who isn't even there - Two fingers at every stage of his decline.

Paulin: Suspicious minds.

Eko Eshun uses an incredibly long and convoluted sentence full of ridiculously pretentious words. He clearly has no idea what he's just said, nor do the other panelists - Try to repeat what he just said. Not easy even if you're sober.

Germaine Greer gives away the end of the film. "And the bit where it turns out the woman in The Crying Game is a man, oh please...." - A double measure of spirits, and tell the person next to you how you really feel about them.

Tony Parsons exaggerates his Cockney accent to come across as the Man of the People - Everyone say "'Allo Maaaary Poppins" and open a can of London Pride. Alternatively don a bowler hat and drink a White Russian whilst Humming Beethoven's ninth.

Parsons: Wicked game.

After the panel have spent ten minutes slagging something off, presenter Mark Lawson has to move them on. Looking slightly embarassed, he says "Well, I really liked it actually". - Finish your pint and scoff a packet of Rich Tea biscuits.

top ten killer kiddies.

“She can fool some people with that innocent look she can put on and put off — but not me!”

10. Hayley Stark (Hard Candy).




9. Michael Myers (Halloween).




8. Damien Thorn (Omen II)



7. Alice (Alice Sweet Alice)




6. Baby Milt (it's Alive).




5. The Midwich Cuckoos (Village of The Damned).




4. Nola's kids (The Brood).




3. The Grady Twins (The Shining).




2. Rhoda Penmark (The Bad Seed).



1. Karen (Night of The Living Dead).

the best toy i never owned.

Alongside the best haircut I never had.

holy merchandise!

Strange but true, the other day we were discussing the lack of Bible-based merchandise, it seems that you could only really buy a Noah's Ark toy whilst we really wanted Tower of Babel Jenga or a Sodom and Gomorrah interactive playset. Well it appears those true believers at One2believe toys have answered our prayers!

"Put it in me!"

These world famous designers of Bible-based toys have a new series coming soon called Tales of Glory; available at select Wal-Mart stores and other retailers across the good ol' US of A.

The first wave consists of:

Samson: one of the strongest men who ever lived. He was used by God to destroy his enemies and do some other pretty amazing things! He caught over three hundred foxes by himself; he killed a lion with his bare-hands; he killed 30 men in one night without any weapons; and he even used the jawbone of a donkey to single-handedly defeat one thousand men!

"Beware Barry Gibb's fist of wrath!"

The secret to Samson’s strength was his hair! God had blessed him with this incredible gift, but it was all based on one condition: he could not cut his hair. So, Samson did all that he could to protect his secret.
One day, Samson’s enemies discovered his secret and they cut his hair. Samson’s strength left and his enemies captured him. But Samson prayed that God would let him use his strength one last time. God answered his prayer and Samson performed one of the greatest feats of strength ever! (Judges 13-16).
Children can make this story come to life with one of our amazing Spirit Warriors, Samson! This action figure comes with everything you need to help your child learn about this fascinating Tale of Glory. Item includes a colorful “Samson, The Strongest Man to Ever Live” mini-storybook and a 13” Samson action-figure (with outfit).

Esther: A Jewish orphan raised by her older cousin. He loved her and cared for her until she was all grown up. Then, the King of the land began to look for a beautiful Queen. He looked far and wide, but he could not find anyone who made him happy. Then, he saw Esther. As soon as he met her, the search was over! He had found his beautiful Queen at last. But the story does not end there. Someone came up with an evil plan to destroy all of the Jewish people. But Esther decided to be brave and try to save the Jewish people from destruction. (Esther 1-9).

Meow.

Now children can learn more about Esther’s incredible Tale of Glory while they play! Esther narrates her own biography, and also quotes key memory verses from the Bible, including Esther 4:11a and Esther 7:3. Our unique start/stop function allows children to pause and restart the story at any point.

Daniel: He loved to pray to God and loved him so much that he would not let anything keep him from praying, not even the great threat of the lions’ den! (Daniel 6)

"Fuck me! it's George Lucas!"

Children can make this story come to life with our interactive “Daniel” play set, featuring everything you need to help your child learn about this fascinating Tale of Glory. Set includes a “Daniel and the Lions’ Den” mini-storybook and 3 PVC figurines (Daniel, a lion and a stone wall).

All toys are aged 3+ .

reason to love cbeebies (part 4)

After months of research that would put Indiana Jones to shame I've finally found information on the ultimate Cbeebies star.....you may know her as the (non) bearded librarian in Story Makers or the voice of Jelly in the same show...but true fans know her as.....

Aliex Yuill

"Quiet in the library or the ickle chick gets it!"

The stunning, intelligent (and stunningly intelligent) multi talented true star of Cbeebies has worked in many fields of television production. From her humble beginnings as a runner on the Vanessa show to the puppeteer/voice of dipsy Jelly on the hit library based TeeVee show The Story Makers via chaperoning Sir Bobbie Charlton at the ITV show Music Hall of Fame, Aliex is a consummate professional, bringing an unbridled realism to her role as 'hot librarian' taking what could be seen as a mere walk-on character and making her a living breathing flesh and blood creation, her hopes, dreams and fears visible to the audience thru' the simple yet effective use of her eyes and the phrase "That's home time everyone!"

The mark of Mr. Tumble.

When not acting, directing, producing or presenting, Aliex loves nothing better than relaxing to the sound of her brother James' 'folktronica' sound (his second album is out now) and, showing a real caring side not usually seen in so-called 'celebrities' has taken time out to teach in Ghana at a small village school on the outskirts of Cape Coast.

The reaction to the restraining
order was greeted with surprise.

Currently touring with the Springwatch roadshow, who knows what Aliex will turn her hand to next? I'll have to carry on sitting in the tree opposite her house to find out.

Blind Date: The Wilderness Years.

reasons to love cbeebies (part three)

She's possibly the sexiest French girl on UK TeeVee today with her fiery red hair, yellow tights and the sauciest accent this side of Serge Gainsbourg...I can only be talking about

Tilly

The sexy star of Tots TV, Tilly shares a secret house with 'friends' Tom and Tiny and their pet donkey, often venturing out to explore an everyday part of the human world.

This also sometimes involved them using their 'magic sack' (or sac magique as Tilly breathlessly said in the title song) which they always took with them.

Although Tiny always carried it, Tilly was the one who best knew how to manipulate this 'sac magique'.....bringing forth the very item needed to help their situation.

Tilly's Magic Sack. Snigger.

Not only was Tilly beautiful and intelligent, but was also an accomplished musician, wowing everyone by whipping out a magic flute and entertaining the crowds with some top freeform jazz.

"Je suis une Tot."

Rumour has it that TeeVee exec's desperate to make French more appealing to a xenophobic British audience secretly transfered Beatrice Dalle's life essence into the Tilly puppet using an ancient Voodoo technique to ensure that male viewers would stay transfixed....as the picxtures below show, this is looking increasingly likely (plus what's Beatrice Dalle done since The Addiction?).

The real-life Tilly, dirty
French burd Beatrice Dalle.

Whatever the truth may be the Totty-rific Tilly will always be our number one French fancy.

Sorry, I came over all tabloid there.

reasons to love cbeebies (part two)

Gary Gibson was a high-flying broker who thrived in a world of cut-throat competition. He had good prospects for promotion and was more or less guaranteed a job as a director at a computer firm.

Then he gave it all up and moved to Brighton to become an actor.

He struggled through working as a postman to support his family while studying at Brighton's only acting academy, The Academy of Creative Training.

But his dream kept him going, his hard work paid off, within a few years the old Gary Gibson was dead, reborn as the nation's favourite Cbeebies presenter....the fantastic....

SIDNEY SLOANE

Sid said whilst taking a break from his hectic schedule: "I loved my career, but I had been doing it for ten years and had come to a crossroads in my life. I enjoyed the communication aspect of my job, but I needed a bigger challenge. I never even had an inkling I may go into acting."

Leaving his high profile job to work as a postman, bodyguard and bounty hunter amongst other things to support his young family Sid found himself working 37 hours a day and living on nuts and beak, at one point selling a kidney to survive.

"That was it, I was completely hooked. Nothing was going to stop me. I knew I would be giving up a lot, particularly financially and of course my kidney, but I never had any doubts. I trusted my gut instincts and believed in myself."

Wise words from a wise man.

Whilst researching this blog tho, I did come across some potentially disturbing information about Sidney Sloane...it appears that in 1906 Sloane chopped up his father with an axe after being refused spending money....he was later incarcerated in an asylum for the criminally insane.

Could this be the same Sidney Sloane?.....an immortal traveling agelessly thru' time taking on different persona's and personalities? or is it a different Sidney Sloane altogether?
I know which I believe.