beast warts.

 

Day 3 of 31 days of horror....It would have been Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn but after viewing it last night (I know I really should have seen it before, sorry) I realized that:

A. It's not horror.

 
B. It's shite.


Unlike this classic which is not only a wee bit like Alien but actually much more entertaining than Alien Earth.

La Bestia nello spazio (AKA Beast in Space, The Beast of Space 1978)
Dir: Alfonso Brescia (AKA Al Bradly....like that makes any difference)
Cast: Sirpa Lane (as Shirpa Lane), Vassili Karis, Lucio Rosato, Venantino Venantini, Marina Hedman and Maria D'Alessandro.

Please note: the costume is not this convincing (and Shirpa's arse isn't that big).

Sometime in the far, far future and somewhere in the inky blackness of space in a place where swimming caps are de rigeur and droopy facial hair is the law what appears to be a Petits Filous pot with a few bendy straws attached gracefully drifts thru' the heavens towards Space Station Gerard.

Well, that's what it sound like on my scratchy 5th generation VHS copy.

Aboard is the Tefal headed, pube haired John Holmes alike Captain Larry Madison (Karis, wearing Gianni Garko's hand-me-downs from the directors other SciFi opus Sette uomini d'oro nello spazio), ready for some much needed rest and recreation.

Slinking into the station bar like a tiger in heat he zero's in on a bubble permed space babe with an out of this world plunging neckline propping up the corner of the bar, with teeth like tombstones he smiles sexily before ordering "A bottle of Uranus".

The plot (?) screeches to a standstill allowing us to marvel at Madison's chat up techniques and gaze in awe at the spacey costumes on show but luckily - after what seems like 17 hours - a bar room brawl breaks out (which I guess gives it the edge on The Next Generation), giving Captain Studly the excuse he needs to drag the space babe off for some interstellar lovin'.


Fuck yeah.

"Is it in yet?"

Obviously fast-forward thru' these sausage-based shenanigans to get to the plot (look I haven't got all day) it transpires that during a wee bout of post-coital snoozing the nameless perm headed lady begins to have vivid (and very saucy) dreams about a woman in a toga being chased thru' a forest by a hairy monster with a massive erection.

Or it may be a horse seeing as they only show its hooves.

By that I mean the creature, the woman most definitely has feet.

Tho' if any women are reading this that are afflicted with a condition that gives them hoof-like feet please don't worry, I'm sure you're still valid.

But I digress.

It's not too surprising that she awakes screaming with terror and leaps straight into the arms of Madison for comfort who, after a wee bit of concerned face acting and a few back pats, makes his excuses and jogs away to 'space captain headquarters' to report for his next exciting mission.

Inside Keir Starmer's mind.

Busily discussing space and stuff with his man-breasted colleagues Madison quickly tires of of the endless chats regarding time factor warps and the moons of Uranus so quickly changes the subject by mentioning the Christmas tree a bauble he, um 'found' during the pub fight, excitedly showing it to his pals he's amazed to discover that it is, in fact a piece of Entalium.

Admit it, you never saw that coming.

It appears that this ultra-rare element is crucial to the construction of the space fleets weapons or something, so Madison is ordered to retrieve more from a mysterious planet ASAP as the safety of the universe relies on the missions success.

Tho' surely it'd be easier just to ask the crewman he stole it off if he has any more?

Nah that'd be silly plus we still have 60 odd minutes of sexy space adventure to fill.

Madison accepts the challenge but explains that he's got to return to the bar first to shag, sorry recruit Lt. Sondra Richardson (harsh faced Euro soft core babe Sirpa Lane) an expert in Entalium extraction before raiding the dressing up box in the hope of finding enough bri-nylon romper suits for everyone and blasting off into the unknown.

"Are you looking at my bra?"

Minutes into the journey tho' things start to get a bit strange as Sondra too begins to have saucy dreams about the petrifyingly penised predator.

Could it be linked to the spooky glowing Entalium?

To be honest no one seems to care, so they continue on towards the planet where, upon landing the crew are confronted by its enigmatic alien leader - possibly named Geoff or something, I too was past caring by this point - and his followers.

Ask your mum.

It seems that he's been telepathically sending saucy messages to Sondra in the hope that she'll shag him.

He must be a fan of her early work.

But hopefully not Papaya Of The Caribbean tho' seeing as it really is utter shite.

Understandably curious as to how Geoff would think that transmitting beast-based bonking across time and space would in any way be helpful in attracting the attentions of a passing spacecraft our brave crew members are surprised to find Geoff not guilty.

Being both beffcake-like and brainy, Madison  - alongside Geoff and his horny horde - soon realize that someone or something else on the planet is responsible for the spate of phantom fanny fiddling currently affecting the ships female crew members.

But to what ends?

Peow!

Will the crew escape with the Entalium before they're forced into an alien sex orgy?

Will Sondra end up shagging both the centaur and the alien leader?

Will the alien leader then be revealed as a shite cardboard robot who has taken human form in order to truly understand the human condition of love?


Will any of the shoddily inserted sex scenes actually feature the pervily puffy-lipped MiLF Marina Frajese - the star of Play Hotel - seeing as this is one of the reasons I purchased this.


Look I've been a huge fan of hers since she absolutely nailed the role of the first girl at the audition in the 1978 classic How to Lose a Wife and Find a Lover, so sue me.

But more importantly will there be a pound shop light saber fight?

The answer to the last one is yes by the way.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse.

Part Italian Star Wars rip-off, part re-make of Walerian Borowczk's erotic masterpiece La Bete, part unedited glimpses into the mind of a madman - La Bestia nello spazio transcends not only genre pigeonholing but all boundaries of good taste and coherent storytelling in one fell swoop.   

Which is pretty good going seeing as up until this point director Alfonso Brescia was best known (feared?) for such threadbare fantasy epics as The Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules and The Magnificent Gladiator.

Like most folk at the time tho' he decided to make a - drunken and clumsy sausage fingered - move into the space opera genre after seeing Star Wars (tho' from his work I'd be more inclined to believe it was after seeing Bleep and Booster) bringing us the classics Battaglie negli spazi stellari (Cosmos: War of the Planets) and the cleverly titled sequel War of the Robots as well as giving us the robot invasion movie Star Odyssey.

Always one to save a bit of cash (usually by employing non-actors and getting his kids to write the scripts) Brescia often utilized the same sets and costumes in every one of his space epics, giving an (unintentional) uniformity to his visions of the future that lesser films such as the Star Trek franchise failed to deliver.

Saying that they also failed to deliver scenes of Lt. Uhura rubbing one off whilst watching a couple of horses copulate in a field but heyho.

But whilst his earlier works are (kinda) kid friendly action packed - well I say packed -  romps, La Bestia nello spazio plays out like a kinda cheap (and much dirtier) Italian version of what Doctor Who would become in the RTD2 era.

Albeit a version that's been totally lobotomized rather than just beaten around the head a few times.

Tho' the fucking abysmal Space Babies episode comes close.

"...And if you pop this jar of liver in the microwave for a few minutes it'll feel just like fanny!"

Saying that tho' if Doctor Who had attempted a Ncuti Gatwa/alien donkey sex episode (rumour has it that it would have been the opening episode of series 3 before Disney canned the whole thing for being utter bollocks - which is scary seeing as they greenlit The Acolyte) you know for a fact the beast would have been slightly more convincing than the one on show here.


Plus let's be honest, you can say what you like about his (lack of) acting ability and charisma but Ncuti does has a much nicer arse than Sirpa Lane.

And not just because Lane's been dead for over 30 years.

Sirpa Lane carefully considers her career choices.

Talking of Sirpa Lane (which I must admit is quite often) how does La Bestia nello spazio compare to Walerian Borowczk's aforementioned (and better known) Euro-tic shagfest and is it worthy of comparison?

For those of you who've never experienced the joy of Borowczk's take on Beauty and The Beast (as in the film, your dad drunkenly coming into your room and fondling you under the covers doesn't count)  here's a wee bit of background.

Filmed in 1975 it tells the story of the nutty Esperance family, whose financial stability depends on a marriage between their nuckle dragging son, Mathurin and young English girl Lucy Broadhurst.

Here come the Belgians!

When she arrives arrives at the family home she becomes obsessed with their most (in)famous ancestor, Romilda (Lane in a huge powdered wig and a lacy undies), whose torn corset - bizarrely enough -  has pride of place in the family living room.
 

With nothing to fill her time (her betrothed is poorly) Lucy comes across - not in that way, at least not yet - Romilda's diary and soon begins to experience feverishly erotic dreams about her sexual encounters with a huge hairy beast in the woods.

Cue much Chuckle Hounds-based buggery and the like.

Now as great as La Bete is (especially if you like seeing ladies in 18th century garb being chased thru' woods by men in crap bear suits with big black rubber cocks attached and let's be frank about this - who doesn't?) not even I would think it'd translate into a great (or not even a fair to middling) Science Fiction movie no matter how drunk I was, but it seems that director Brescia wanted to prove us all wrong showing that you can mix soft core porn and Sci-Fi for a family audience.

Which if nothing else you should at least admire the balls of the guy.

If not the hastily painted paper-mache ones on the space beast.

What your girlfriend really gets up to on her girls nights out.

Worth a look if you're an Italian Sci-Fi completist, Shirpa Lane fan or if you have an appreciation of pantomime animal costume sex romps.


And if you tick all three boxes this'll be your favourite movie of all time.

Scarily there will be someone out there that this'll apply to.

And no, Russell T Davies doesn't count.

No Russell, they said it was a pile of wank.

Tomorrow some actual, proper 'horror'.


I promise.

cat man do.

Day 2 of this years 31 Days of Horror and I'm already breaking out the big guns.

And by big guns I mean unconvincing catfish/human hybrids.

Enjoy. 

Zaat (AKA Blood Waters of Dr. Z, Hydra, Attack of the Swamp Creatures. 1971).

Dir: Don Barton.

Cast: Marshall, Wade Popwell, Paul Galloway, Gerald Cruse, Sanna Ringhaver, Dave Dickerson, Archie Valliere, Nancy Lien, Jamie DeFrates, Edward Nick Wildrick and Jimmy Merrill.

 

I'll cause underwater life to triumph over all other living creatures. I will adapt myself to a permanent underwater environment. All other humans will be conquered. I can not - I WILL NOT BE STOPPED! I will select a mate with utmost care, and together we will create a whole new aquatic race. But there is no time left!

 

 

Welcome to the wacky water-based world of ex-Nazi scientist Dr. 'King' Kurt Leopold (Grauer in his only film role, this may happen a lot here) whose obsession with splicing humans and fish in order to create a master-race - that according to his monotonous voice-over will rule the universe - has caused him to become ostracized from his peers and left his hair a greasy uncombed mop.  

Anyway after 20 years of research (and almost 20 minutes of even more monotonous voice-over) he's finally perfected a formula - known as Z_aA_t - that can actually transform humans into sea-based hybrids.

Leopold excitedly strips down to a big blue adult diaper and straps himself - uncomfortably it must be said - to a rickety gurney before quickly injecting himself with the serum and lowering himself into a child's swimming pool. Finally emerging - in a display of flashing lights and bubbles - in his new terrifying form and played by a totally different person, local scuba instructor Wade Popwell.

Tho' I've no idea if he does actually pop well.

And what is his new form I hear you cry.

Well that of a giant wibbly wobbly, ball-headed catfish monster.

No doubt Nev Schulman will be shitting himself at the mere thought of this.

And with that he clumsily wanders off to the nearest lake in order to add even more Z_aA_t to the local water supply in order to raise a giant catfish army.

Oh and to look for an attractive lady to turn into a fish so he can reproduce obviously.

And get revenge on his ex-workmates.

So all in all he's got a pretty busy day ahead of him.

And it's only just gone 10 o'clock.

 

Richard Tice farted...and it was a eggy one.

 

 

Meanwhile local Sheriff - and cake shop fan - Lou Krantz (Galloway, best known for his top notch performance as 'the garage man' in J.D.'s Revenge) alongside the town's resident marine biologist 'Rawhead' Rex Baker (non-hit wonder Cruse) are busy not only investigating the outbreak of violent diarrhea amongst the townsfolk but also the random acts of vandalism seemingly being committed by the local fish.

And all whilst staring longingly into each others eyes.

Seriously the sexual tension 'tween the pair is unbearable at times. 

Tho' not as unbearable as the film in general tho'.

Anyway, with the local law enforcement - and the local shop keepers who are busy restocking the toilet roll aisles - distracted, Leopold begins his plan of revenge against those who mocked his theories. 

First by killing his former colleague Professor Max Maxson - and his family - whilst they're enjoying a fishing trip (oh the irony) and then by murdering his old bridge partner (or something) Dr. Bobby Ewing whilst he's polishing his fishing rod.

Which isn't half as rude as it sounds unfortunately. 

With his revenge taken and the waters poisoned (well that was a quick revenge), Leopold can now concentrate on finding himself a lady to kidnap, mutate and spend his evening making baby catfish with.

If only real life was this easy.

 

Tunnel or funnel?

 

Luckily he comes across (not in that way, well not yet) the perfect match whilst out for a walk/paddle that very night when he spies a young lady, Jenny Soontodie (Nancy Lien*) camping by the riverside.

As in she's by the waters edge, not at Glasgow's fantastic transport museum or appearing in the weekly BBC 2 magazine program (which ran 1982-1983) that focused on music, art, fashion and style that was broadcast from Riverside Studios.

Glad that's cleared up. 

 

Not you.

 

Or you.

 But I digress.

Waiting in the bushes for a chance to strike Jenny soon decides to go for a dip and Leopold seizes the opportunity to knock her unconscious and drag her back to his lab where he repeats the transformation process on her.

Unfortunately Leopold has forgotten to top the electricity meter up, so the power shorts out halfway thru' leaving poor Jenny partially transformed - but fully dead -leaving him no choice but to dissolve her body in acid and stomp off in a sulk.

 

Laugh now.

Back to the other plot and baffled by the number of deaths and disappearances in town, Rex decides to contact the world renowned, monster hunting investigation organization INPIT (which actually does stand for something but I honestly can't remember what....why not write in and tell me, you could win a prize) who quickly send the crimson jumpsuited serial shagging science duo Martha Walsh (Sanna Ringhaver) and Walker Stevens (Bargain hunt star Dave Dickerson) to help. 

After much - well a wee bit of - scientific musing the pair announce that yes, the town is under siege from a giant cat fish, albeit one with poisonous claws and a permanent erection. 

Well I say the pair but it's mostly Walker that does the talking, Martha has quickly changed out of her jumpsuit to tiny blue hotpants and mainly just sits around crossing and uncrossing her legs.

Anyway, setting up a series of nets and tripwires along the riverbank it's not long before our heroes come face to face with Leopold and as is the way where science is involved, him and Walker soon get involved in a scuffle where Walker gets a nasty lovebite and Leopold gets stabbed in retaliation causing him to go mad and start punching trees as he hobbles off home. 

Given the choice of following him or just standing around our merry band of science-types obviously just stand around looking smug/glum.

Insert amusing caption here....or your cock, to be honest either will suffice.

This arse-kicking has done nothing to help Leopold's temper tho' so as the murders and mayhem continue (OK Leopold has angrily kicked a pot plant over) Sheriff Krantz has no choice but to evacuate the town in order to let the INPIT team do their job uninterrupted.

Cue 15 (very) odd minutes of old folk riding bicycles, folk clutching puppies whilst climbing into trucks and in a scene as mind shatteringly banal as it is unnecessary an entire sequence where Krantz - after finding a group of Jesus loving hippies holding a singalong in the local community hall, sits and listens to their song before leading them to safety at the police station.

With all this love thy neighbour shite going down and with Walker laid up in bed recovering from his injuries, Leopold has no trouble sneaking back into town and along to the chemist where he gorges himself on all the drugs before murdering a young couple (in a case of 'vampire rape' as Krantz matter of factly puts it later) who've been left behind and finally deciding to finish the night by spying on Martha as she nurses Walker.

 

Feeling an odd stirring in his fishy loins Leopold realises that Martha would be the perfect mate and with that heads home for a tearful wank followed by a Prawn-flavored Pot Noodle.

What your mum really gets up to on bingo nights.

 

 

The next morning over breakfast, Sheriff Krantz announces that all these fish-based killings are reminding him of a mad doctor by the name of Leopold Walker who used to live in the local woods and was obsessed with genetically splicing humans and catfish.

Which now means that the movie might finish that little bit faster.

We can but hope.

So with this - fairly important bit of - information, Walker, Rex and Sheriff Krantz decide that now might be a good time to go and investigate the lab, leaving Martha behind because she feels like taking a shower.

No, really.

And with that the trio drive off to look at stuff. 

Unbeknown to them tho', Leopold is watching from the shadows, preparing to pounce.

And pounce he does, tho' I'll give him his due seeing as he waits till Martha is showered and dressed before kidnapping her.

Which is nice.

Doesn't matter how hard you scrub Sanna, the smell of this stinker will always be there.

Meanwhile our heroes have arrived at Leopold's lab only to find he's not in but having spent all that time getting there they decide to have a nosy around anyway, finding not only Leopold's notebooks but also a hastily scribbled drawing of Martha in a handmade loveheart.

Realising what he has in mind for the poor girl they quickly rush back to town not only to find she's missing but also discover a massive pile of fish scales in the butter dish.

Determined to save Martha and, in a scene that would put the makers of the Bond films to shame, Walker jumps into a mini, 6 wheeled amphibious car and heads into the local pond to look for her whilst Rex and Sheriff Krantz head back to the lab.

 

                                 "Spice Girls number one for Christmas....MONSTA!"

 

Will Walker be able to navigate the dangerous duck pond and rescue Martha before it's too late?

Will Rex and Krantz finally admit their feelings for each other?

Will Walker get bitten by a rubber snake?

Will Leopold find true love or will he get into a big fight, killing Rex and Krantz before slowly walking out to sea to be followed by a brain-washed Martha as Walker looks on in despair?

Go on, guess.

 

 


 

From the mind of - the spookily well respected - Florida-based film fella Don Barton (he won the Freedom Foundation's Award for excellence in documentary for "Jacksonville Story", the only film of an American city to be shown at the American Exhibit in Moscow when the Iron Curtain was partially lifted fact fans) comes this brain damaged, backyard brother of the Creature from The Black Lagoon and obvious inspiration for Guillermo del Toro's fish fiddling The Shape of Water - ZAAT, a film that manages to not only be both over complicated and childishly simplistic as the same time but also be so arse numbingly slow and devoid of any merit as to be almost painful on the eyes yet scarily it's about as addictive and watchable as cinema gets, coming across like some meta-masterclass in bad film-making.

Seriously it's like sitting in a room watching lead based paint dry only to find that the doors locked and the fumes are addictive.

Tho' to be honest I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

I mean there's really not much you can say about ZAAT if I'm honest, the acting for what it is, is almost totally non-existent, the effects - to put it politely - aren't even worthy of even being called threadbare and the monster suit is so bad that I even feel guilty mentioning it.

 

I can't even say that at least they tried because by the look of it they didn't.

                                          They're coming to get you Nicholas!

 

And why oh why did they feel the need to put a folk song about Jesus in it other than they had one to hand?

It's like that bit in The Alien Factor when Atlantis perform their hit single Maybe Someday  or when Stoneground turn up in Dracula AD 1972 for no other reason than to perform Alligator Man and You Better Come Through for Me.

 

Only shitter obviously.

What possessed 70s film types to randomly drop long-haired layabouts wielding mandolins into perfectly good horror films?

Answers to the usual e-mail address.

 

No budget, no plan and no mercy - ZAAT should be an abomination that can only be cleansed with fire but somehow it isn't.

Maybe Barton's enthusiasm shines thru' just enough to make it somehow worth watching and strangely enjoyable.

Plus it's good to know where Russell T Davies got his inspiration for the Doctor Who spin-off The War Between The Land And The Sea from.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*But not this one, I checked.

just because....

I was waxing lyrical about her yesterday - Andrea Rau, Daughters of Darkness (1971).

kissy, kissy, funny fancy.

Day 1 of this years 31 days of horror.

Or as I call it my yearly excuse to trawl thru' reviews that no-one has ever read then rewrite them with added mooth shite-in captions.

Surprisingly I'm not worried that I'll get bored halfway thru and let everyone down this year.

Probably because no-one actually reads this blog.

 

Daughters Of Darkness (AKA Blood on the Lips, The Promise of Red Lips 1971)
Dir: Harry Kümel.
Cast: Daniele Ouimet, John Karlen, Delphine Seyrig and the enigmatic Andrea Rau.

It is since long that I have crossed the river Ocean!

Long faced professional dormouse Valerie (Ouimet best known for loads of stuff in French that I can't be arsed listing) and her frighteningly hamster-faced hubby, the grumpy (but tres manly) council estate Tom Skerrit Stefan (Cagney and Lacey's Harvey himself, Karlen), after honeymooning in 'The Europe' are upset to find themselves stuck in a dilapidated, off season hotel on their way home to dear old Blighty.

It seems that bad weather has caused the cancellation of the only car ferry home and that there won't be another for at least a week.

Or until Valerie is seduced by a lady vampire.

Whichever comes first.

Yourself not included obviously.

Vowing to make the best of the situation the cutesy couple unpack their bags (or in Stefan's case empty his sacs) before settling down to what appeared to be the main pastime of 1970's newlyweds - spousal abuse and drinking.

The angry cum-face montage is cut short when the pair are invited to dine with the only other guests at the hotel, the enigmatic Countess 'Thin' Lizzy Bathory (Seyrig from so much quality arthouse fayre it'd be a sin to sully her career by listing it here) and her drop dead sexy servant, the librarian-like Ilona (art school crush and quite possibly the sexiest actress to ever appear in an artsy Euro-vamp movie Rau).

"Is it in yet?"

"I can't tell you how completely happy I am to have you here tonight. You are both so perfect. So good-looking. So sweet." The countess playfully announces as she teases the cheese board whilst the dusky Ilona just gazes at Stefan, licking her full blood red lips.


For what seems like hours.


Tho' trust me, I'm not complaining.

I don't know about you but at this point I'd make my farewells and leave, but Stefan wants to stay.

Who am I kidding?

As a teen the thought of sitting in a draughty hotel dining room whilst Andrea Rau licked her lips at me was number one on my list of things to do before I die.

It still is if I'm honest.*

Even this early into their marriage - and the movie - we can see that it's on rocky ground, partly due to Stefan's habit of beating Valerie with a belt if she disagrees with him and partly due to the fact that he's a closet bisexual, ringing his secret male lover whom he calls 'mother' and just to hammer the point home we're treated to numerous shots of Valerie nodding at her hubbie blankly intercut with the occasional scene of her slowly unzipping his bri-nylon action slacks whilst staring into space with her head tilted to one side.

Just how your mum used to.

The cold, barren emptiness of the surrounding area tho' (and the fact that the funfair is shut and the candyfloss seller has died) means the couple have no choice but to hang about with Countess and her 'companion' - well, it's either that or sit playing cards with the toothless concierge all night - but it's not all cake, crisps and strong European coffees because between lunches Stefan fills his time by either shouting loudly at Valerie whilst slapping her arse with a belt or looking lustfully at the countess.

Being a clueless bloke in a 70s erotically charged vampire movie tho' he's doesn't actually realize that she's far more interested in Valerie.

"Patience," purrs our Take That quoting Countess as she strokes Ilona's thigh. "Patience."

My word.

Belt up.

Just when you think the movie has forgotten it's actually a vampire film  - and it's slow build up to vamp on housewife action is just there to tease you into watching - a bicycle riding wannabe Van Helsing turns up at the hotel looking for vampires and almost immediately deduces that the Countess is one of the bloodsucking undead.

To be fair it's not like he actually figured it out himself, she was in fact standing in front of a huge mirror whilst chatting to him casting no reflection at the time, he'd just turned up to ask directions.

Lizzy, understandably annoyed by this badly dressed interloper turning up to spoil her sapphic shenanigans has a plan tho', she waits till he's out cycling the next morning and runs him off the road with her car.

Leaving us wondering why Christopher Lee never thought of doing this to Peter Cushing.

In the course of one of the pairs frequent Hammer team-ups obviously, not in real life that would be terrible.

No amusing caption just the confession that I could stare at this picture for hours.

So that's the mindless violence quota upped but what about the sex?

Leave it to Stefan to sort that one out.

It seems that whilst Valerie and Lizzy have been spending time enjoying more and more frequent walks around the crazy golf course our bullish beau' has become 'involved' with Ilona.

By involved I mean indulging in lots and lots of sex with her.

Which on first viewing this as an impressionable 12 year old left me devastated as I'd already decided that she was saving herself for me.

I know I was.

Bastard.

"Is it a book or a film?"

Being too enamored by her frankly stunning breasts, full sensual lips and cutesy pageboy mop top Stefan has failed to see the obvious.

And no it's not that she was secretly thinking of me during their love trysts but that Ilona is a vampire.

But with hindsight let's give him his due, it's not something you think about with a new girlfriend is it?

Well maybe he should of (I know it's always been at the forefront of my mind when chatting to new people) because then he would probably have realized that trying to drag her into a shower for a bout of bubbly soap sex was a bad idea.

Especially when the poor lamb starts screaming and struggling in absolute terror.

Double bastard.

Fortunately she manages to break free from Stefan's manly grasp which wouldn't be so bad if she didn't then trip over a loofah and fall on an open razor.

Now how is he going to explain that to my nan?

And who will Lizzy pick as her new companion?

Clue: not Stefan.

For those of us who spent their teenage years in the 80's, writer/director/professional Belgian Harry Kümel’s Daughters of Darkness is a perfect example of the type of film you'd sneakily watched on Channel Four on a Friday night - whilst your parents were either out or drunk - crouched in front of the TV with the sound turned down to a whisper you'd sit entranced at the thought of what was to come.

Breasts! 

girl on girl vamp action! 

old men playing bridge! 

violence!

To a terribly twitchy and awkwardly Autistic teen with a Louise Brooks fixation this was cinematic perfection.

Looking back on it now thru' (slightly) older eyes you realize that there's so much more to it than that.

For those of you who've ever wondered what the perfect teen masturbatory fantasy looks like well here you go. You're welcome.

 

Balancing such diverse themes as blood sucking bad girls and spousal abuse with an arthouse aestheticism not seen again until Neil Jordan's 2012 classic Byzantium, Daughters of Darkness never betrays its low budget roots, its sweeping vistas and stark lonely locations counteract with the flowing deep reds of Seyrig's gowns - the film somehow manages to be both cold and forbidding yet dangerously seductive in equal measures, partly due to the almost English sensibilities playing against the exotic 'euro-ness' of it all.

The acting from the four leads is frankly magnificent, from John Karlen's sadistic bastard of a hubbie, Danielle Ouimet's young wife on the verge of a breakdown and the amazing ice queen that is Delphine Seyrig as Bathory, a performance that mixes icy European charm, breeding and wit with an underlying air of almost animalistic menace but the standout performance is from the painfully perfect Andrea Rau, her character dominates every scene she's in as the tragic Ilona, longing for purpose and an existence of her own as she realizes that her mistress seeks another companion.

Perfection embodied. That is all.

Stylishly sexy and hip without trying, Daughters of Darkness pre-dates the cultural 'Vampire revolution' started by movies like The Hunger and Teevee fare like Ultraviolet by almost 20 years, and the lack of accepted 'vampire lore' (fangs, shape changing and the like) just adds to the movies unique feel.

It's almost as if the (very real) couple have stumbled into a nightmarish Grimm fairy tale for adults; where the gingerbread is twice as nice and the evil stepmother (or at the very least her companion) is far more alluring than the virginal Snow White.


















*If you (or any of your family are reading this Andrea, you know how to get in touch.

girl on a motorcycle.

To celebrate her 90th birthday here's Dame Julie Andrews on a BMW motorcycle. 

You're welcome.