pish dish.

Still on a shark kick, partly to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Jaws but mainly in the hope of getting some new (or any) readers.

At least I'm honest.

Empire of The Sharks (2017).
Dir: Mark Atkins.
Cast: John Savage,, Jack Amstrong, Ashley de Lange, Jonathan Pienaar, Thandi Sebe, Camilla Waldman, Leandie du Randt, Tapiwa Musvosvi, Tauriq Jenkins, Joe Vaz, Tshamano Sebe, Sandi Schultz, Royston Stoffels, Mélodie Abad and Philip Tan.

The power resides within you, the amulet resonated with your power, it was never the source! You are the shark caller!

The time - the near future, the place - a world where PS 2 era cut scenes have become a reality and where 98% of the planet is underwater leaving the remains of society to fight for survival on a collection of shopping trolleys and discarded garden decking shoddily tied together and set adrift in the disused reservoir behind the directors South African holiday home.

Ruling over this sea-based band of unwashed pikeys is the evil warlord Ian Fien (Savage, the ex-man of bronze best known The Deer Hunter, The Onion Field and Salvador as well as Lucio Fulci's final film Door to Silence before bad investments and an expensive divorce caused him to be a wee bit less choosy in his roles - probably) who with the help of the greasy barnetted and stringy lipped Mason Scrim (actor and part-time artists model Pienaar coming across as the unholy lovechild of Iggy Pop and Albert Steptoe) and an army of mind-controlled sharks (no, really) spends his days collecting various 'tributes' from the populace in exchange for clean water.

Sounds legit.

"Do you need any scissors sharpening?"

As we join the story one such group of pikeys are even now being hassled by Scrimm who grumpily informs their leader Tustin Gee (Sebe) that they must double their tributes in future if they wish to get clean water, much to the chagrin of the boyish faced and big-eared Timor (council eastate Orlando Bloom Armstrong) who will be our hero for the next 90 odd minutes.

Which seeing as he has all the talent and charisma of a baby changing table is gonna make for interesting viewing.

Tired of Tustin's excuses - and no doubt his fishy breath -  Scrim orders his men to select 6 women to take in lieu of payment, one of which happens to be Timor's wannabe love interest Willow (de Lange from Blood Drive), a button-nosed blonde with a mysterious secret and a huge poundshop medallion that she keeps furtively glancing at every few minutes.

Maybe she has her lines written on it?

Anyway with Timor standing around looking lost it's up to Tustin to step in and attempt to save the ladies - and by the look of his ample girth attempt to save even more of the tribute for himself.

Unfortunately Scrim is in no mood for chat and punches him in the head before dangling him off the side of his boat then tossing a child's flask filled with electronics into the ocean.

Bizarrely enough these two things are actually related.

You see, the elctro-flask enables Scrim to control - via what looks like a pair of Nintendo power gloves with Christmas tree lights sellotaped to them - all the nearby sharks (who’ve been fitted , you'll be pleased to know, with disco lights on the sides of their heads) and order them to bite folk.

Because as you know, a shark wouldn't bite folk normally.

And with that poor Tustin is devoured in a shower of CG blood fakery as the hostages are loaded onboard and shipped off to Fien's floating fortress leaving Tustin to sob into the ample bosom of his big haired bestie Sion (Sebe, who's probably been in other stuff but I really can't be arsed checking).

Some old rope yesterday.

Being the only member of the cast with any discernible talent Sion is given a fair bit of exposition at this point - not only to fill us in on the background of the characters (Tustin hasn't got any parents, Willow is an orphan, hair straighteners are hard to come by, you know the kinda thing) but to move the plot forward and so to this end she reminds Tustin that he has a submarine stashed behind the bins so he could if he wanted head out to save Willow.

Or even better they could head to the local pub and hire a ragtag team to rescue Willow for them.

And with that they head off.

Destination: adventure - via some FX that would make the cast of Stingray balk at their shoddiness obviously.

Especially the bit where a poorly rendered CG shark gently rubs against the eggbox submarine causing it to leak, an effect that appears to have been achieved by getting a stagehand to piss in Amstrong's mouth whilst he frowns.

Tho' if I'm honest this is probably the most exciting bit of the film, well it's certainly the most erotic.

Taxi for Schubert!

Meanwhile Fien has tied the hostages to a makeshift maypole and is forcing them to walk around in circles whilst a lady explains the importance of Willow's necklace to us - and her.

Yup it seems that Willow's dad was a fabled 'shark caller' who - after the floods had the power to control the creatures thru' the medium of the hand jive.

Unfortunately Fien killed him and now uses the power - alongside Scrim - for evil.

Bastards.

Anyway, Timor and Sion soon arrive at the local pub where they come across (not in that way obviously but you can tell he was tempted) a Lego-haired woman called Nimue (du Randt) who is currently spending her time fleecing the locals of all their cash by challenging them to see who can sit with their head in bucket of water the longest.

No really.

Obviously this is a skill that's needed for a rescue mission so Timor eagerly asks her to help whilst Sion saunters over to speak to the enigmatic Toby (high Scrabble scoring Musvosvi), an explosives expert who also happens to own a scuba diving suit.

Tho' you think under the circumstances there'd be quite a few of those about wouldn't you?

Well fuck you film logic.

Not being one to turn down the chance to blow some shit up he excitedly agrees to join the team.

As everyone stands around uncomfortably trying to look natural Timor notices an Asian guy at the bar fleecing folk in a game of 'find the pea under the cup' and deduces that he must be using a miniature sonar device to rig the game.

Because, um, obviously that would be it.

Anyway he approaches the guy - whose name is Edgar and is played by the pube 'tached Jenkins - and introduces himself before offering him a place on the team.

And guess what? he says yes.

With this cut-price Avengers assemble all they need now is a boat.

And maybe better agents.

Enter (roughly and from behind by the cut of her jib) the dread pirate queen and pleasure cruise captain Ann Aldrin (dead eyed South African soap star and sexy grannie Waldman) who, having a window in her schedule offers to take them to Fien's fortress.

With everything in place Timor outlines his cunning plan.

And by cunning I mean utter shit.

"Oh no....I have my women's period!"

Here goes - Edgar will use his sexy sonar set to scan the fortress and find the hostages and Toby will use his scuba suit and plant explosives to blow open a way in whilst Nimue will hold her breath and swim very fast to lure the sharks away.

Meanwhile Timor will sneak aboard and rescue everyone.

Sion is there no doubt to hold the coats.

Everyone nods in agreement before retiring to bed to get some rest ready for the next days adventure.

Well I say everyone but Toby and Nimue have other ideas and decide to steal the Pot Noodle cargo stored in one of Lord Fien's boats causing all manner of upset and confusion that culminates in Timor radioing Scrim to apologize (whilst using the phrase 'fubar snafu' I kid you not - and Scrim retaliating by threatening to feed an extra to a shark if they don't put everything back exactly as it was.

High stakes indeed.

Obviously being a total walkover Timor does exactly that but as Fien's men are boiling the kettle Toby thinks fuck it and blows the boat up leaving everyone no option but to move ahead with their plan.

A plan that Fien now knows about.

I mean why they just didn't steal the Pot Noodle cargo boat and sneak aboard the fortress I'll never know.

Actually I do know why, that would involve an adult having to write the script.

"Can you smell petrol?"

The thought of a month without any tearful wank-based noodle snacks is the least of Fien's worries tho' as it appears that the sharks will no longer do his bidding, at least when Willow is around that is.

Could this be related?

Well Fien thinks so and chucks Willow into the water to see if the sharks will eat her, which they don't - obviously and with that he helps her back onboard, hands her a towel and orders his men to scan her brain activity so they can copy her powers or something.

Tho' why they need to seeing as they have an electronic device that does the job as well as she can is never explained.

I mean if they just killed her then they wouldn't have to worry about her powers being stronger at all.

And we wouldn't be subjected to her harsh-faced 'acting' every few minutes.

You see?

Everyone would be a winner.

And with that plot point totally ignored we head back over to our merry band who are all ready to set sail for Castle Fien.

But the bad men are prepared and attempt to sink the boat with a shite-firing catapult as Edgar attempts to map the layout on his laptop.

Well it's either that or he's online trying to convince folk he's from the Apple IT department so he can access their bank details.

As Captain Aldrin dodges more and more missiles it's time to put part 2 of the plan into operation, so Nimue greases herself up and jumps into the water to lure the sharks away whilst Timor sneaks up to the underwater door in the hope that Fien has left a spare key under the mat.

Unfortunately in the confusion Toby mistakes a shark for a sausage roll and is inadvertently pulled under the water to his doom.

As the sharks give chase Timor quickly makes it to the fortress and makes his way inside/aboard whilst Nimue - knowing her job is done and she's now surplus to requirements - wiggles about a bit safe in the knowledge that the FX team will do their best to make her death scene look epic and not, I repeat, not like she's getting molested by a pack of poorly rendered Minecraft-esque goldfish.

Laugh and indeed now.

As Timor sneaks about the potting sheds looking for Willow it's revealed that Fein has a secret weapon to thwart our heroes - a kamikaze shark capable of taking out a boat.

As in blow it up, not wine and dine it before making smooth and beautiful love to it in an upmarket hotel.

But you probably guessed that.

And with a girly giggle he orders the shark to attack our brave band in all it's shoddily CG-ed goblin glory.

Seriously it's worth the rental fee just for this sequence.

Tho' not the shame of admitting to watching it obviously.

But Aldrin isn't going down without a fight (unlike your mum) and starts firing a harpoon gun randomly into the waves before thinking "fuck it" and abandoning ship closely followed by Edgar and Sion.

As they swim for the -relative - safety of the fortress Scrim orders the sharks to attack Edgar who is unconvincingly dragged under the waves by a huge bit of curved cardboard whilst Aldrin and Sion are taken to Fien and used as shark bait to lure Willow and Timor out of hiding.

It never rains.

Richard Ayoade, up the casino, Bradford, 2016.....YESCH.

Will Timor and his rapidly diminishing team defeat Fien and restore order this post apocalyptic world?

Will Willow ever master not only her shark powers but the ability to walk and talk at the same time?

Will anyone actually care enough to find out?

'Director' Mark Atkins sequel to his 2016 'classic' Planet of The Sharks features more of what you'd expect from an Asylum/SyFy channel co-production - threadbare plotting, sub-community centre panto performances, sets hastily constructed from whatever was lying around and a load of CG shark stuff that cost a few quid when the original Sharknado came out so the company feel they have to get their monies worth from, hence the never ending cycle of Shark-this and Shark-that titles they seem to have released with truly terrifying frequency.

"Shark power activated!" (But it's opposite day!)

That's not to say that the film is without its merits tho' - yes the writing veers wildly between awful and just plain appalling with no rhyme  or reason for anything to happen other that 'just because' and the acting - what there is of it - is either non-existent or trying too hard depending on who's onscreen at any given moment but what they hell most of the cast seem to be enjoying themselves and it'd be churlish not to join in.

Saying that tho' Thandi Sebe is genuinely great, it's almost as if she's stumbled off the set of a better movie and knows it, pissed off and prissy in equal measures she dominates every scene and even manages to convince you at one point that the upturned bath she's sitting in is really a hi-tech minisub being attacked by sharks and not being gently rocked by a stagehand as he spurts water into her face.

Plus she must really like sharks - or director Atkins has some dead dodgy pics of her - seeing as she went straight from this to his magnum opus 6 Headed Shark Attack.

Nuff said.

Para Thandi.

Let's be honest tho', you don't fire up an Asylum shark movie expecting Jaws (or even Shark Attack III), no you pop it on your player, pop out your brain and let the sheer shadiness of it spurt over you like the cheap and cheerful sinematic slut that it is.

Just don't tell your friends about it later.

Or blog about it obviously.* 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I'm OK seeing as no fucker ever reads this.

fish cake.

Seeing as that classic of creature features Jaws is 50 this year and is currently on our cinema screens I thought I'd rewatch this in celebration.

Enjoy! 

The Last Shark (AKA The Last Jaws, L'ultimo squalo, Great White. 1981).
Dir: Enzo G. Castellari.
Cast: James Franciscus, Vic Morrow, Micaela Pignatelli, Joshua Sinclair, Giancarlo Prete, Stefania Girolami, Gian Marco Lari , Chuck Kaufman, Gail Moore and a shark.

"No damned shark is gonna screw up a whole year's work and planning!"

Hip, bubble-permed windsurfing champion and Mr. Bungle lead vocalist Mike Patton, is practising his cool moves to the smooth sound of Yvonne Wilkins hit "Hollywood Big Time" whilst wearing the tightest vest ever known to man (Which in itself is quite a feat) in the hope of winning the annual Port Harbour surfing competition.

Everything is going swimmingly, well surfingly, until poor Mike is dragged kicking and spluttering beneath the waves.

Enter (you know you want to) local writer and shark expert Peter Benton (Beneath The Planet of The Apes, Cat o' Nine Tails and Naked City star Franciscus) who after getting an earful regarding a lack vegetables in the pantry courtesy of his Farrah-lite wife Gloria (the terrifyingly toothsome Pignatelli) decides to investigate Mike's disappearance.

"Is it in yet?"

.

You see, their beautiful, well I say beautiful, daughter Jenny (Castellari's real-life daughter and latter-day Hollywood based assistant director Girolami) was on the beach at the time is pretty sure that the overpowering stench of fish filled the air seconds before he vanished.

Anyway, whilst Peter is wandering around the obviously off-season and freezing cold beach looking for a big rubber fish, his wife is busy at work organising the aforementioned competition and regatta for local congressman and professional stud-muffin William Wells (Sinclair, the actor that, in an alternative universe was cast as Tony Stark in Ruggero Deodato's Iron Man movie).

Wells, being a kindly soul is a wee bit worried that a giant shark terrorising the bay might put folk off from visiting the festivities so decides to hire local fisherman Ed Glover to hunt down then destroy the ferocious fish.

Vic Morrow deciding whether to use Head and Shoulders or Sainsbury's own brand to wash his hair yesterday.

Unfortunately (for Ed) the shark gobbles up everything except his arm before nudging the boat back to port as a kind of water-based ASBO calling card.

Wells is obviously even more worried now but his white suited assistant (Howard Keel in an uncredited cameo and a nipple revealing string vest, I'm sure of it) manages to convince him that a rogue hand grenade caused the damage and also, as luck would have it that he's noticed that the local Asda has a massive collection of shark proof nets on sale.

And they're three for the price of two.

Seeing this as a good omen (as opposed to say, The Final Conflict), Wells orders the show to go ahead but not before putting Peter and his best pal, the comedy accented and candy-floss haired Scottish skipper Captain 'Ron' McHammer (the late, great Morrow, chewing scenery like a starving Somali chews his own gammy leg) in charge of security and the islands only pair of binoculars.

I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse.

Soon the beach is full of playful teens, pot bellied adults and those kind of ball headed, hairy children you only got in the seventies all intent on enjoying the regatta.

With all the participants are waxing their boards before heading into the water, it's left to Peter and Ron to nonchalantly watch the water for tell-tale fins whilst Howard Keel supervises the race from his little boat.

What could possibly go wrong?

With nothing unusual in the water save a mysteriously bobbing buoy the race begins but within minutes the very same bouncy and somewhat bullying buoy is zig-zagging thru' the competitors knocking them all off their boards.

Too late Cap'n Ron realises what's happened.

That snide shark has obviously disguised himself as a beach ball and is even know preparing to lunch out on the surfers smooth thighs.

Using his fishing boat and big net to catch stray surfers and pull them to safety, Ron and Peter are oblivious to the big beast swimming (well lolling) closer to the star of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers until it's again too late.

Damn you Mr. Tension.

Without warning (save a sexy guitar twang) Howard's boat is throw skywards by some unseen force (which I'm assuming was meant to be either the sharks hitherto unexplained psychic powers, a massive fishy fart or that the model refused to shoot upwards) leaving the poor sod bobbing about in the water crying like a baby till the shark gobbles him up.

Richard Dreyfuss farted...and it was an eggy one.

A by now really annoyed Wells, realising that he'll never have his armoured suit ready in time to kill the shark retreats to his office in a huff, leaving our terrific twosome to go it alone and, in a plan of diabolical ingenuity follow the shark back to his underground lair, what till it goes out for lunch then hide inside armed with some dynamite on a stick.

Genius.

With Gloria on-board for moral support and a cheeky show of flesh, Peter and Ron suit up and dive down to the sharks cave only to get trapped in a rock-fall caused by the crafty fish itself, who had already anticipated their plan and had been lying in wait behind a big sponge.

This shark is good.

With Ron unconscious and his air hose broke (no doubt causing lots of trouble and lots of bubbles) Peter, using a makeshift underwater catapult fires the dynamite at the shark and frightens it away.

Not only that but the explosion clears the rocks giving our heroes a clean run to the surface.

Hurrah.

With all this exciting (if a wee bit dangerous) shark hunting and near death chills going down you'd be forgiven for thinking the poor audience would get a break from the excitement to get their breath back or at least have a slash, but oh no because we soon discover that back on the island Wells' pube haired son Billy has rather foolishly decided to steal his dads boat and alongside his friends (and Jenny) to head out to sea and kill the shark themselves to avenge Mikes (you remember him) death.

It's like an episode of Eastenders but with fewer laughs and less of a rancid fish odour.

Jenny: I've got something to put in you.

Busying themselves by tying a bag of offal to a broom the teens completely fail to see the shark slowly heading towards the boat till it's too late, only noticing when it jumps out of the water to grab the meat treat.

The friends have no other option but to scream and shout as the brute tears up the bait before inadvertently biting the broom in half, sending Jenny tumbling into the cold, icy sea.

Billy desperately tries to pull her back on-board as the snappy shark bounces up and down on the waves like a multi-toothed beach toy whilst the rest of the crew shuffle about trying to look concerned, eventually tho' Jenny is dragged to safety.

Minus her leg.

"Boiled Onions!"

As luck (or simplistic plotting) would have it her dad is just sailing passed as this is happening so Within no time at all Jenny is back on dry land and laid up in a hospital bed as her dad (quite cruelly methinks) chats to her about the first time she rode a bike, her first dance and the like, you know just all the stuff that she won't be doing again any time soon.

Bastard.

but not everyone is so calm as we can tell from Wells' reaction to seeing his son moping about the waiting room.

After administering a quick disciplinary buggery on the boy, our moustachioed hunk, armed with only a machine gun and a carrier bag full of entrails heads over to his private heliport to take to the skies in the hope of raining hot leaded death on the killer fish.

just imagine that's your cock he's about to suck on...just don't imagine him taking it out of a box and lighting it first.

After a few minutes hanging out of the helicopter throwing bits of meat into the sea Wells actually seems surprised when the shark shows up.

Tho' saying that I probably would be too seeing as it appears to be moving thru' the water whilst balancing on it's fin looking for all intent and purposes like a badly made performing seal.

none of this really matters tho' as Wells is soon in the drink and frantically waving at the helicopter to pick him up.

"Laugh now!"

Wells' fearless pilot Geoff lowers the helicopter as near to the water as he can enabling a very wet Wells to grab onto the landing rail and get whisked to safety.

Well that was the plan anyway.

The reality of the situation is much more amusing as the shark leaps up out of the sea and bites Wells' in half before eating the helicopter.

Can this film get anymore pant wettingly exciting?

You betcha it can, cos even now back onshore beardy news reporter Bob Snatch and his porn god cameraman Sheldon have decided to staple a pig to the pier in the hope of getting the shark on TV.

And planning for every eventuality they've even hired a big game hunter to shoot the shark live on air.

Well I'd tune in.

"Balsa wood in mah mooth ya bastards!"

But don't forget that Ron and Peter have once again braved the elements and are back out at sea hoping to find this fiendish fish from hell.

Coming across (not in that way, tho' it's Vic Morrow so you never can tell) the debris from Wells' helicopter, Cap'n Ron dives down to investigate only to find Wells' severed arm and a long piece of string.

Tugging it gently Ron soon discovers that the string is tied to one of the sharks teeth and that the poor animal is using the wreckage in an attempt to pull it out.

So that's why it's so grumpy.

Swimming back to the boat to fetch his cavity filler Ron manages to become entangled in the string and is soon dragged to his death below the ocean waves as Peter watches on helplessly.

Which is nice if a little less dramatic a death scene than we'd have liked.

Realising what an arse he's made of things so far Peter admits defeat and heads back to the beach for a well deserved ice cream and a can of fizzy pop only to be greeted by the sight of the town pier, with his wife, Sheldon, the big game hunter guy and various non-speaking townfolk aboard, being dragged out to sea by the shark.

Racing to the rescue (but not in time to save the hunter or Sheldon) Peter pulls alongside the rapidly sinking pier and drags everyone aboard his boat but as he manhandles his wife's ample arse aboard the shark picks up speed, dragging our hero away from safety and trapping him on an ever quicker sinking pile of sodden wood and streamers.

"Will it eat me whole?" "No it shall probably spit that bit out".

As the shark leaps toward Peter like some grinning seventies sock puppet our hero notices Ron's body hanging limply out of the side of it's mouth.

And just within reach?

Ron's handy dynamite belt.

With  all his remaining strength and a high pitched scream Peter launches himself at the beast, grabs the detonator and kicks his best pals bloated corpse further down the sharks gullet before diving into the sea and pressing the detonators shiny red button causing the shark to pop like a big balloon full of jelly.

"Aya! Mah BCG!"

Returning to dry land with his wife on his arm and the townsfolk cheering Peter has one piece of unfinished business to deal with.

Punching Bob in the face for no discernible reason, Peter throws his wife into the backseat of the car and drives home for some well deserved sex.

From Italy's master of unlocking, the great Enzo Castellari (he of Inglorious Bastards and The New Barbarians fame amongst other goodies) comes the tarnished jewel in the scrap pile of copycat movies released in Jaws wake.



After replacing Charlton Heston in Beneath The Planet Of The Apes, James Franciscus seems to have no qualms about stepping into Roy Scheider's shoes whilst Vic Morrow just looks happy with the thought of earning enough to eat that month and the rest of the cast?
Who cares.

Apart from Universal Pictures and Steven Spielberg himself obviously, who successfully managed to have this film pulled from American cinemas.....FOREVER.

Which is a shame really because in many ways The Last Shark is superior to the film it rips off.

Nah, only joking.

Standby for action!

But it does boast a fantastic eighties Italiana score, some very stylish haircuts and a rare appearance by Howard Keels nipples so in that respect at least it's worth a look.

Plus if I'm honest Vic Morrows arse looks great in a wetsuit.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 114).

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds' Captain Marie Batel (as portrayed by Melanie Scrofano).

 

 

neutron!

Introducing lucha libre superhero Neutron
and his trusty sidekick,Basil.

 

Beat that Marvel and DC! 

dino-sore.

Just back from seeing Jurassic World: Rebirth with the boychild who is now on a total dinosaur frenzy and is begging for more cinematic dino action so thought I'd show him this classic.

 

"I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse!"

 

The Last Dinosaur (1977).

Dir: Alexander Grasshoff and Tsugunobu Kotani

Cast: Richard Boone, Joan Van Ark, Steven Keats, Luther Rackley, Masumi Sekiya, William Ross, Carl Hansen, Tetsu Nakamura, Nancy Magsig, Don Maloney, Vanessa Cristina, Hyoe Enoki, Shunsuke Kariya, Toru Kawai and Tatsumi Nikamoto.

 

"You told me! You swore to all of us that we were not going to harm the dinosaur! We were only supposed to take film and study it!"

 

Welcome to the world of Masten Thrust jr. (Ex-Michael Elphick starring teevee show and American screen stalwart Boone) - the mighty man-tittied and gin soaked multimillionaire owner of the amusingly monikered Thrust Inc. who, when not using a manned laser drill to search for oil under the polar ice caps, is busy inappropriately touching (much) younger women and shooting wild animals in the face. 

Imagine, if you will, an animatronic melting meat sculpture of Tony Stark powered by piss and gin with the libido and pulling power of Donald Trump and you're halfway there.

We first come across our man-breasted hero as he's attempting to seduce a (much) younger girl in his (animal) corpse filled apartment, luckily this sexual harassment case waiting to happen is interrupted by a phone call from Thrust's office. It seems that his companies latest expedition accidentally ended up in an underground 'lost world' where all the crew save one were eaten by a dinosaur.  

No, really.

And with that Masten jets off to Japan (well it is co-produced with Tokusatsu) to find out the full story.

Holding a press conference with the aforementioned team survivor, geologist Chuck Wade (Tombstone toothed Keats from Death Wish and Silent Rage), Masten  announces that he's leading a second expedition himself in order to study (but not kill, oh no) the dinosaur (now discovered to be the last Tyrannosaurus Rex in existence, tho' how they know that I'm not sure) in its natural habitat alongside Chuck, a Masai tracker named Bunta (American professional basketball 'star' Rackley), eminent dinosaur expert Dr. Kawamoto (actor and singer Nakamura from the classic Space Amoeba) and the Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer Frankie Banks (Dallas' Valene Ewing herself and the voice of Spider-Woman in the 1979 animated series, Van Ark).

Masten is initially skeptical about Banks joining the expedition because she's a woman but she soon convinces him of her suitability thru' a mix of showing him her photography work taken in various war zones and stripping naked at a party before taking him back to her hotel room and licking his pock-marked face.

Because feminism obviously.

And with that they're on their way!

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

As our intrepid team approach the Polar Borer (cunningly played by something you'd find in your mums 'secret' drawer), the first thing we notice is how fucking small the 'full size' prop is. Seriously it's like two garden bins stuck together and sprayed silver, I mean you'd be hard pushed to fit Richard Boone's gut in it let alone the rest of the cast. Tho' this may be a cunning way of making the rest of the special effects and props look really good, I mean if you can take this seriously then you'll have no problem when the massive cardboard Pteranodon appears wobbling against a painted backdrop when our crew come ashore in cave-land.

Tho' to be fair it might just be that the whole thing is fucking threadbare.

Anyway, once they do actually come ashore - and after being almost trampled to death by a passing Uintatherium, Masten orders Dr. Kawamoto to set up camp, whilst he, Chuck, Bunta and Frankie head into the woods to find the pesky Tyrannosaurus Rex. 

And maybe a kebab shop.

Or even an off-licence.

Luckily with this being a fairly short film it's not long before the magnificent beast reveals itself to one and all, stomping thru the trees as it chases Frankie in an attempt to eat her whole.

Tho' I've heard it usually spits that bit out.

I thank you.

As an aside I really think it's important to point out that it's not any old fucker with an Equity card playing the Tyrannosaurus Rex tho', oh no, it is in fact the mighty Toru Kawai - famed Japanese stunt man and actor best known for playing Godzilla in Terror of Mechagodzilla as well as doubling for Ultraman Ace, Ultraman Taro and Ultraman Leo and also playing Gamera - which is the equivalent of royalty on this blog.

Nuff said.

"I 'squeeze your head!"

Masten excitedly pulls out his massive weapon with the aim of emptying it's hot content into the dinosaurs mouth (OK he pulls out a rifle in an attempt to shoot it in the face) but the beast keeps moving, causing the gun to jam and Masten to get all huffy and throw it at away before stomping off and hiding in some bushes, quickly followed by the rest of the team.

Little do they realize tho' that they are being followed by a tribe of comedy toothed, black up Japanese extras pretending to be neanderthals who are, in turn being followed by a kleptomaniac cave woman with very dirty feet (Sekiya best know for Special Investigation Unit and the manga adaptation Nippon bijo monogatari: onna no naka no onna) who is busy stealing everything the explorers discard.

Not including their dignity obviously.

"Boiled onions!"

 

Whilst all this decidedly non-PC raceplay is going on the Tyrannosaurus Rex has made it's way to the camp where it's come across Dr Kawamoto cooking up a huge pot of bangers and mash for dinner.

Not too surprisingly the beast kills Kawamoto before scoffing the food, smashing up the camp and finally picking up the Polar Borer in its mouth and carrying it off to its bone-filled lair where for absolutely no reason, a Triceratops bursts out of a wall and fights him.

To be fair tho' this scene is utter genius and not just for the fact that the front end of the Triceratops is played by Tatsumi Nikamoto, who also did stunt work on Ultraman Leo and Ultra Seven plus played Titanosaurus in Terror of Mechagodzilla.

No idea who played the back end tho'.

As the battle rages 'tween these two titans of terror, the Triceratops draws first blood but is soon countered with a kick to the head from our Tyrannosaurus pal in a fight that is as long as it is bloody (and bloody ludicrous).

I could wax lyrical for hours about this battle but frankly I can't be arsed so I wont, suffice to say that the Tyrannosaurus eventually wins by stomping on the Triceratops' face before heading off for a nap.

 

"Laugh Now!"

 

Whilst all this top quality action is going down our merry band have returned to the base camp to find it utterly trashed and the Polar Borer missing which causes Masten to storm off in a bigger rage than ever, vowing to kill the beast as he heads off to find a cave to live in.

No really.

Jump forward 4 months and the whole group are eking out a meager existence hunting rabbits whilst Frankie plays den-mother to everyone (in between flirting with Masten and Chuck that is).

But it's not all happy families and furtive shags tho' as the cavemen are becoming braver and start coming ever closer to our merry bands hideout.

And they've now started carrying pointy sticks.

Chuck suggests that they should form an alliance with the natives but Masten violently disagrees, constructing a makeshift crossbow in order to kill their leader and scare the rest of them away.

Bizarrely this not only succeeds in scaring them away but to also attract the thieving cave girl to our heroes cave where she attempts to return all the shit she's stolen/found over the last few months including the telescopic sight from Masten's rifle.

This has the effect of making him letch over her instead of Frankie (for a change) and giving her the name 'Hazel' due to the nutty smell emanating from her arsehole.

Frankie isn't too bother by this turn of events tho' (she's probably glad of a break from being prodded by Masten's big bloated sausage fingers) as she now has someone to help her wash her hair and prepare dinner for the men.

And no I'm not making this shit up.

 

Tunnel or funnel?

 And it's during one of these girly hair washing sessions 'tween Frankie and Hazel that the Tyrannosaurus reappears ready to strike. Frankie takes refuge in nearby cave whilst Hazel legs it into the bushes leaving Bunta and Chuck to fashion a rope made from Masten's wiry pubes (OK from local shrubbery) that they tie around a big boulder before Bunta lassos the other end around the dinosaurs tail and finally rolling the boulder done a hill giggling to themselves as the poor beast rolls after it, coming to a violent halt in a pond and banging its head.

This only manages to make Masten even more angry than usual and - after slapping Hazel (she loves it!) he starts collecting (well, orders Buntato start collecting) loads of wood in order to build a giant catapult to kill the beast with.

"Monsta!"

Will Masten's frankly bonkers plan succeed?

Will Chuck find the Polar Borer and attempt to persuade Frankie to leave with him?

Will it turn out that the films title actually refers to Masten rather than the Tyrannosaurus Rex (because technically it's not the last dinosaurs as there are loads of others wandering about but also because it's not a literal title)?

And does anyone actually care?

From the fevered mind of  cartoonist, writer, artist and letterer William Overgard (best known for his sterling inks of the American adventure comic strip Steve Roper and Mike Nomad between 1954 and 1985) comes this testosterone tinged tale of big beasts, bigger egos and baggy dinosaur suits that feels as out of time as the dinosaurs on screen.

Originally pitched to ABC as a movie of the week as a standard "great white hunter goes back in time to kill a dinosaur" actioner, it was rejected in favour of a rock musical remake of King Kong (which luckily never happened) before being dragged back to the pitch meeting and retooled as a full blown theatrical release.

Unfortunately the company he took it to was the stop-motion/seasonal fayre film purveyors Rankin/Bass Productions (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964), The Little Drummer Boy (1968), and Frosty the Snowman (1969) among other classics) who although fantastic when it came to animation - Mad Monster Party is one of my all time faves) weren't really well known (if at all) for their gritty action output.

Luckily they had links with Japan due to them outsourcing many of their 'Animagic' animated productions which were headed up by Japanese stop-motion animator Tadahito Mochinaga at his studio, MOM Productions so it was only a matter of time before those masters of monster mayhem Tsuburaya Productions (founded by special effects God Eiji (Ultraman and Godzilla) Tsuburaya in 1963) became involved with the job of bringing the terrifying dinosaurs to life.

"Chase me now!"

Unfortunately the dollar to yen exchange rate at the time must have been really low as the effects on show aren't up to the studios usual standards.

And yes I'm being kind.

But effects aren't everything (ask Doctor Who)* and film usually lives or dies by the performances on screen.

It's a pity then that The Last Dinosaur has a massive, gin-soaked angry misogynist with really crap hair at its heart.

Drunkenly stumbling 'tween leching over women young enough to be his (grand) daughter and either shouting at them or slapping them before obviously sobering up enough to apologize, Richard Boone's performance is at once hysterical and terrifying whilst everyone else on screen just wanders around looking uncomfortable.

Especially the myriad of women that are forced to pretend to fall for his ample charms.

 Seriously, Masumi Sekiya looks like a deer caught in headlights when she has to lay down next to him and to be honest I'd rather take my chances with the dinosaur, at least its fingers would be small enough to gently unfasten my bra** and not leave greasy bruises on my shoulders.

Or bite marks.

True Joan Van Ark tries to bring a wee bit of gravitas to the proceedings but the writers are unsure if she's meant to be a hardened news photographer ala Elizabeth ‘Lee’ Miller or a simpering girl unable to cope without shampoo or make-up whilst Steven Keats just stands about complaining or being shouted at.

I'd say that Luther Rackley comes out best seeing as he has absolutely no dialogue but looking back he is forced to wear tiny shorts and shake a spear a lot so I reckon he deserves our pity too and I'm not going to mention the state of the blacked up, comedy toothed cavemen for fear of cancellation.

Only I just did.

Damn it. 

 

Hat.

 

 I was going to say something about the direction but all I can think of is that even Academy Award-nominated directors like Alex Grasshoff can have an off-day.

Seriously his Kolchak episodes are top notch as is Backwards: The Riddle Of Dyslexia, a film he directed for the American television anthology series ABC Afterschool Special in 1984 starring River and Joaquin Phoenix.

See? 

This blog is educational too.

Luckily Tsugunobu Kotani is on hand to film the monster bits, which he does by nonchalantly pointing the camera at them and hoping they're in focus, which to be fair they sometimes are.

So does the movie actually have anything remotely going for it?

Well the title song "He's the Last Dinosaur", arranged and conducted by Bernard Hoffer and with spot on lyrics by Jules Bass (seriously amazing song writing career for Rankin/Bass, check him out) is a banger and Grammy Award winner Nancy Wilson's vocals are top notch so it's worth watching just for that.

They - and us - deserved a better film.

Good day to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*By that I mean classic Doctor Who obviously, if you ask new Who (or its fans_ anything you'll probably get a joyless lecture on 'proper' pronoun use in relation to the Monoids and how "Doccy Who" now "Slays Queen!" or "Serves c*nt!" or something equally as unintelligible before being told the show was never made for you in the first place and finally angrily getting called a Nazi (or something) for then doing what you were told and not watching.

Well that would be the case if anyone at all was still watching or cared that is.

 

 

No.

**It's a metaphorical bra as I don't wear one.