Thursday, May 24, 2012


Can't give too much away cos it'd kill the movie quicker than a very violent, quick thing and frankly it's worth a looksie.

And not just for Ania Bukstein's thighs and peachy arse.

Kalevet (AKA Rabies). 2010.
Dir: Aharon Keshales & Navot Papushado.
Cast: Lior Ashkenazi, Danny Geva, Liat Har Lev, Ran Danker, Menashe Noy, Ofer Shechter, Yaron Motola, Yael Grobglas, Henry David, Efrat Boimold and Ania Bukstein.

Nothing like starting a story in the middle, which is where we start here with beaky babe Tali (Lev) trapped in a hole in the middle of the woods.

Peering down at her thru' a makeshift letterbox, her hunky brother Ofer (David) desperately tries to reassure her that everything's gonna be OK.

Which she'd probably believe if she hadn't spent the previous evening being chase by an overall wearing mentalist sporting the best perm this side of Kevin Keegan.

Intent on finding help Ofer races thru' the forest to a nearby road where he's promptly run over by a car full of  teen tennis stars on their way to match.

Isn't that always the way?

Apologies for the lack of funny captioning but all I can think of is Ania Bukstein's milky thighs. Sorry.

Driver Mikey (Action Man haired hunk Danker) reckons they should call for help whilst his ratty pal Pini (Shechter, channelling a young Andy Serkis) thinks they should drive on and concentrate on more important things, which in this case is their lustings over blonde poppet Shir (Israel's very own Scarlett Johansson and star of We The Kings video for their hit single 'Say You Like Me', Grobglas).

However, it looks like they're gonna have to compete for Shir's affections with their pounty brunette buddy, the yumsome Adi (star of the hit Yiddish teevee show The Arbitrator, Bukstein), who also has a crush on Shir.

 And I know which pair I'd rather see making out.

Being heroic types the guys head into the forest with the by now barely conscious Ofer to help save his sister, while the girls stay with the car and call the police.

Unfortunately for them, the nearest officers are the nice but dim Danny
(Ashkenazi) and his partner, the woman hating would-be rapist Yuval (Israel's very own Vincent Cassel, the fantastic Geva) and both are having a particularly bad day.

Oh dear.

"Fancy a wee bit o' mooth shite-ing brother?"

Meanwhile in the woods, lovable park ranger Menashe (the instantly likeable Noy) is busying himself tagging foxes and stuffwhilst trying to sort things out with his young lover Rona (Boimold, best known for her role as Noa Shachar in the musical drama series HaShir Shelanu, but no doubt you knew that), little realising that their lives are soon to become entangled with the increasingly bizarre events taking place in the forest surrounding them.

"Put it in me!....Oh hang on, you already did!"

From first time writers/directors Keshales and Papushado, Kalevet surprisingly doesn't feature any foaming mouthed beasts, viral outbreaks or sweaty men panicking near water, so I assume the title is some kind of metaphoric thing to do with man's inhumanity to man or something, which is fairly highbrow for here.

Part domestic drama, part horror shocker and part (very) black comedy, Kalevet is breath of fresh air in a quickly stagnating cave of the 'horror realism' genre, butting such overwrought shite as Kill List to shame.

With it's perfect performances, tight as your wee sister script and an air of brutal confidence rarely seen by first time directors Kalevet is quite frankly unmissable.

And not just because of Ania Bukstein.

silicone valley high.

Another day another mutant shark movie.

So who'll surrender first?

Me or the folk that keep producing movies in this quality sub genre?

Two Headed Shark Attack (2012).
Dir: Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray.
Cast: Carmen Electra, Charlie O' Connell, Brooke Hogan, Christina Bach Norman, Morgan Thompson, Gerald Webb, Ashley Bissing, David Gallegos, Anthony E. Valentin Geoff Ward and the lovely Corinne Nobili.

"Wait, if it has two heads then it must have double the teeth!"

Somewhere in the local park paddling pool behind director Ray's house, hunky Simon McCorkindale alike Professor Franklin Babish (O'Connell, brother of teevee's Jerry) and his wife, Anne (ex-Baywatch babe and Marvel comics assassin Electra) are busy teaching a group of (very old looking) teens about life at sea/fish etc. on their boat cum classroom cum skimpy bikini base the Sea King aided and abetted by the stone breasted Capt. Laura (You Are the Supermodel host Thompson) and funny accented foreign fella's Han and Dikilla (Asylum regular Webb and ex-electrician Valentin).

Hogan: you would but you'd be thinking about her dad.

Whilst discussing the best way to use a sextant (snigger) the boat hits a half chewed CGI approximation of a shark which becomes lodged in the boat’s propeller before damaging the hull and causing the boat to take on water.

Which is kinda unfortunate.

As Babish and co. run around trying to fix stuff and the students, all jiggly sunburnt breasts and stud muffin chests attempt to imbue their cardboard characters with something vaguely resembling life a giant two-headed shark appears from nowhere and attempts to have sex with the boat, breaking the radio antenna whilst causing nice girl student Kate's (Unwell fave and Ex Crocodile Dundee Hogan from Sand Sharks) frankly terrifying tits to slowly undulate from side to side in a manner not unlike a pair of hypnotic sex-trifles.

With Laura needing the ship empty to affect repairs and Anne's breasts wanting some screen time, Babish decides to take students, consisting of the aforementioned Kate, geekily pube bearded Paul (Gallegos), the yummy Kristen (pretty lipped Nobili) and rentahunk Cole (1313: Hercules Unbound! star Ward) alongside a group of soon to die, look-alike pneumatic beach babes and studs over to a nearby (and incredibly handy) atoll aboard a dinghy.

A butchers shop window yesterday.

As Professor Babish tries in vain to enthuse the students, Laura and her breasts enter the water to in order to repair the big jaggy felt pen line that's appeared on the ship's hull but the shark quickly swallows her whole.

Nope it doesn't spit that bit out.

Meanwhile, as the rest of the group searches the atoll for scrap metal to help repair the boat (?), Kate opens her heart (but unfortunately not her bikini top) to Kirsten.

It seems that when she was an ickle girl she was touched up by a shark at the beach or something and has joined the sea school in an attempt to master her fear of water.

Her fear of bad scripts tho' appears to know no bounds.

Realising that we're 25 minutes in and no-one has taken their tops off yet, faceless students Haley (fake tits, big face) and Alison (real tits, tiny head) decide to indulge themselves (and us) with a wee bit of lesbian based skinny dipping whilst the rodent like fratboy Kirk fondles their peachy arses as says "Whoa!" a lot.

Not too surprisingly the tonguing trio are attacked and eaten by the two-headed shark.

Or a rather large rubber approximation of it.

Anyway back with the students and our polytechnic pals have come across (not literally) a couple of small speedboats but before they can celebrate an earthquake hits the atoll, causing the professor to trip over a stone and graze his leg.

Jam in mah shitey mooth ya bastards!

Nice guys Jeff and Mike offer to take Professor Babish back to the ship for a sticking plaster and a wee cuddle off his wife but on the way back are surprised to see Laura's severed hand floating in the water.

No doubt her rock solid breasts have sunk straight to the bottom.

Before carrying on towards the earth's core no doubt.

As is the way in these movies, where's there's a rubber hand there must be a rubber shark and within seconds of making the ghoulish discovery Jeff and Mike are frenziedly gobbled by the beast.


"Laugh now!"

Meanwhile curvy Kate and polite Paul have managed to repair the abandoned boats and thick as mince Cole has even managed to find some petrol, overjoyed by this he jumps aboard one of the craft along with three of his pals and chugs off upstream prompting Kate and co. to chase after them in the other.

Boat that is not pal.

Nobili: knees.

The teens decide to have an impromptu race, blissfully unaware of the professor and his missis screaming "Shark!" at them.

Tho' by the look of his manly visage it appears from a distance that Babish is either having a wank or a stroke.

But tossing teachers is the least of their worries when our two headed pal turns up and attacks Cole's boat and eats a boy, which at least warns the others that it's around, which is a good thing really.

I guess.

Luckily this gives brainy Paul time to work out that the shark, having two heads is twice as good at hearing, hence it's chasing the boat with the biggest engine.

Or something.

Surprisingly thicky Cole figures this out at the same time, abandoning his boat and leaving his pals to face the jaws of death.

What a nice guy.

Returning to shore, Kate bitch slaps Cole for a few minutes before Anne, Professor Babish and the comedy crewmen arrive via a very quiet dingy.

"Put it in me!"

The fight is cut short tho' by another earthquake which leads Babish to surmise that the atoll is collapsing and that this coupled with the fact that they're two thirds thru' the movie means that they have to come up with an escape plan pretty sharpish.

Paul, determined not to die a virgin (contrary to what he told you, your dad fucking you up the shitter doesn't count) comes up with a plan to hook up a handy generator to a couple of metal poles and placing them in the water to distract the shark while Kate (whose dad was a welder) and turncoat Cole travel back to the boat to repair it.

What could possibly go wrong?

Possibly one of the sexiest scenes ever committed to celluloid.

Will Kate overcome her fear of water/sharks etc. in time to fix the ship?

Will Cole come thru' as a hero or fuck off with the boat in an attempt to save his own skin?

Will Kristen get damp and topless before entertaining us with an erotic dance?

And does anyone really care?

 From the son of the director of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers comes another Asylum shlockbuster aimed fairly and squarely at the lonely geek masturbation crowd (which let's admit it, is most of the readership of this blog).

From their humble beginnings releasing barely watchable  rip off's (Monster anyone?) Asylum have gone from producing shite like Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls, The Da Vinci Treasure and The 9/11 Commission Report, the company seemed to have grown, learning from their mistakes to a point where they now give us such top quality entertainment as the Tiffany starrer Mega Piranha and um, that one with David Carradine fighting the big crocodile.

Some things don't change tho' with Asylum still following the company template to the letter with it's unflinching emphasis on beasts, breasts and butts shoddily wrapped in a bow of cut-price CG with a topping of z list stars and yesterdays has beens, 2-Headed Shark Attack delivers exactly what the frighteningly photo-shopped box art promises.

Which is no bad thing if you're home alone on a Friday night with only a pizza, six pack and a box of tissues for company.

I never thought I'd say this but more please.

Especially if they feature Corinne Nobili in an ill fitting bikini.


Sunday, May 13, 2012

thought of the day.

Monday, May 7, 2012

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 40).

It's Britain's Got Talent contestants Ashleigh and Pudsey....tho' I'm not saying which.

Oh go on then.....sandwich.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

people you don't expect to find on display in your local waxworks (part one).

Peter William Sutcliffe, AKA "The Yorkshire Ripper" as seen at Louis Tussaud's House of Wax, Great Yarmouth.

sin excess.

The Devil Inside (2011).
Dir: William Brent Bell.
Cast: Suzan Crowley, Fernanda Andrade, Evan Helmuth, Ionut Grama, Simon Quarterman, Bonnie Morgan and the Devil.

The Vatican did not endorse this film because it's pure evil. It probably talks about the devil and it's evil ways as he was a good person. Boycott this movie. If you see it you are doomed. - Some sad man on IMDB.

It's October 30, 1989 and fright eyed, shock haired Maria Rossi (Grange Hill's Ms. Soames herself, Crowley), as anyone would do in this situation, has just murdered the two Catholic priests and obligatory Nun that were attempting to perform an exorcism on her.

Which is a shame if I'm honest seeing as they were only trying to help, I mean it's not like they fucked her kids or anything.

Which in hindsight would probably have made the film a wee bit more realistic but I digress.

The Catholic Church are obviously none too pleased with these events so quickly spirit Maria away to a Vatican approved psychiatric hospital (where the staff all have American accents) somewhere in Rome.

"We'll have nun of that!"

Jump forward twenty years and Maria's daughter Isabella (Confessions of a Teen Idol producer Andrade channelling Summer Glau), alongside the frighteningly ferret like Michael (anagramical actor and Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave extra Ionut Grama) is hard at work making a documentary about exorcisms in the hope of understanding a little more about her (officially) mentalist mothers case.

As you can probably guess this involves a trip to Rome to visit the special Vatican sanctioned school of exorcism and kiddy fiddling.

It's whilst attending a lecture there that our heroine comes across a couple of groovy priests, Dominic Keating alike Ben (Holby City's Quarterman) and the ball headed David (MechWarrior 4: Vengeance voice actor and junior Frank Black Helmuth) who it transpires have both been performing illegal exorcisms for people in need.

Which is kinda lucky.

The dog collared duo offer to take Isabella along with them to an exorcism that they're going to perform on the terrifyingly twisted (both physically and mentally) Rosalita D'Evilsplaygrounde (contortionist Morgan, best known for being a hot redhead and playing the lead beast in JT Petty's magnificent The Burrowers).

Isabella, obviously excited at the thought of seeing a young teen girl tied to a bed and covered in piss and shit in someone's basement immediately says yes and heads to the car.

Morgan: Spiced.

The Catholic crew, having already determined that it's a case of real possession rather than bad period pains or something so are all set to get Holy on her arse and as Michael sets up his camera we're treated to ten minutes of saucy, cock based remarks, a wee bit of wall climbing and finally some bloodied piss before the devilish dame spookily shouts out for Isabella, despite having no knowledge of her.


Eventually tho' our heroes manage to expel the demon before returning home to celebrate with a Cuppasoup and a communion wafer.


"The power of Christ compels you to shite in man mooth!"

Deciding that she can't put it off any longer Isabella finally goes to visit her Momma Maria in the asylum, where she finds that not only can her mum speak in a variety of comedy accents that would put Bobby Davro to shame but has also become proficient at painting religious iconography over the walls in her own shite.

Which is certain to break the ice at parties.

But that's not all, for it appears that she can also read minds, telling Isabella off for having a secret abortion (look my career was just taking off and I didn't want to be tied down ok?) before letting rip an ear-shattering scream.

Returning to her hotel and no doubt hoping to see her mother in the same S and M style situation as Rosalita, Isabella askes David and Ben if they'd like to try their powers on an old lady for a change and Ben, obviously being up for a bit of saucy MiLF action (he looks the type) agrees.

But as the Papal posse prepares to perform the exorcism David begins to have second thoughts, worrying about losing his job and if he really should have eaten that last doughnut.

Well it's too late for weighty worry now seeing as it's almost exorcism time.

"Yes it was me....I did indeed eat all the pies".

Heading back to the hospital our Godly gang have hardly time to get their holy water bottles open when Maria starts accusing Ben of bad things and harping on about Isabella's dead baby before breaking free of bonds and, with one punch sending Ben flying across the room and twisting David's nipple.

It's not too surprising then when the hospital staff run in and chuck this 30 something Scooby gang out on their ear.

Bruised, beaten but back home safe Ben carefully analyses the video and audio files they recorded that night in the hope of having enough evidence to convince the Church that an exorcism is needed whilst poor David sits in his room dribbling and crying like a depressed bouncy castle.

Playing the audio files over and over (whilst no doubt looking at nun porn), Ben notices that when Maria was shouting "I know what you did" at her daughter that there are, in fact four different voices speaking in unison.

Ergo, . four different demons.

Which is a surprise to say the least.

Davro: Terrifying things.

The next morning David, in an attempt to cheer himself up, offers to is to perform a baptism at his local church and Michael, desperate to make some extra cash, tags along to record it.

The service starts without incident or too many dodgy short skirts and fake tans, until that is David starts muttering some Biblical shite and tries to drown the baby in the holy water.

The parents, after making sure that Michael has got the footage on tape - well that is £200 on You've Been Framed -  save the baby as dangerous Dave passes out in the pews.

The should count themselves lucky tho' that he didn't do what any normal priest would do and try fucking it instead.

Buying a second hand sex doll off Ebay had it's drawbacks.

Returning home after a hard days praying Ben finds David sitting in his room covered in blood and egg with his eyes rolled back into his bulbous head.

Not noticing any difference he begins to make supper only to be interupted when the local (American) police turn up to arrest our portly pal.

In the ensuing struggle David somehow acquires an officer's gun and decides to hold himself hostage with the barrel place firmly in his kissy lipped mouth leaving Ben to try and calm him down in the vain hope of preventing a mess on the new wallpaper.

With all this kerfuffle going on David starts crying and reciting The Lord's Prayer before giggling like a loon and shooting himself.

And if that wasn't enough, Isabella starts to spew blood before fainting.

"I love you....could it be magic?"

Taking her to the hospital (but not alas up the casino) Ben is suddenly hit by the realisation that Maria's demons are jumping ship and possessing anyone they come into contact with, David first and now Isabella, his fears confirmed when dozens of hospital staff run into Isabella's room screaming something about a bendy mentalist stabbing a nurse.

In the confusion Ben and Michael drag Isabella into the hallway and dose her full of sleepy drugs in order to take her to see a proper exorcist.

Oh right, so now Ben admits he's only an amateur.

Leaving with Isabella dumped in the back of a car, Ben comforts her while Michael sweatily drives but Isabella awakes, taunting Ben about all the horrible things he's done before attempting to strangle Michael.

Ben attempts to beat her off (saucy) but not before Isabella has (laughingly) breathed all over Michael causing him to lose control of the car.

Oh yeah and become possessed.

Will our heroes make it to the church on time?

Will Isabella possess the world?

Or will the screen suddenly turn black as car crash sound effects are played before a caption appears saying 'Find out what happened next at ?

There's no way a director would ever pull something as shite as that would there?

Well you have to hand it to director William Brent Bell, you've got to have balls as big as Bristol to even consider releasing something as horrendously bad as this on the viewing public without fear of a kicking.

And to release a movie without an ending and expect folk to not be a little pissed off at having to find out what happens online is either the height of arrogance or the first sign of mental illness.

But then what do you expect from the guy who made Stay Alive, that 2006 Frankie Muniz starring shitefest that mixed video games and Elizabeth Bathory into one big steaming pile of PG rated cinematic slop?

The acting is almost non existent, the direction is cack handed at best and the plot for what there is of it, is as thin as lead 'actress' Fernanda Andrade's almost anorexic legs.

Need I go on?

Probably not but I should at least mention the fantastically crap photoshopping in the flashback photo scenes, they couldn't have been any worse if they'd given a pair of blunt scissors and Prit-stik to a hook handed child and just let him go crazy.

Sod that they should have let him write and direct the thing as well.

I mean it couldn't be any worse.

Avoid like your uncles cock.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

kidney fiddler.

As soon as I heard that highly talented director Scott Stewart and Britain's greatest movie star Paul Bettany were re-teaming for a movie after the apocalypse based laughathon that was Legion (think fallen angels fighting the undead - and old ladies so that Dennis Quaid can help a waitress give birth to Jesus) I got rather quite excited.

Then promptly forgot all about it.

Until that is it popped thru my door yesterday.

Priest (2011).
Dir: Scott Stewart.
Cast: Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Brad Dourif, Cam Gigandet, Alan Dale, Christopher Plummer, Maggie Q, Stephen Moyer, Madchen Amick and Lily Collins.

"After all, if you're not committing sin... you're not having fun".

So let's start with a little info-dump to get us up to speed...

For hundreds of years (and quite possibly even longer), humans and vampires have been involved in a bitter conflict which has devastated the planet's surface, causing even the smallest town to have a sheen of 80's post apocalyptic pop video about it.

The surviving humans live within giant walled cities ruled by The Church and protected by an elite group of warrior priests; mere mortals blessed by God with super human wire fighting skills and sexy black outfits.

After the final battle the majority of vampires were destroyed with the remainder placed in big underground silo's on reservations, therefore saving on the CG budget by not having them wandering around making all manner of faux pas at dinner parties.

With the war over, the creepy clergy, led by Monsignor Brian Orelas (Plummer obviously skint) disbanded the priests and sent them off to be retrained as binmen and children's entertainers etc. whilst beyond the cities walls, humankind live on in relative freedom and a collection of western style outfits.

 Got all that?

Good, so let's go.

"Where's me washboard?"

One rainy Sunday afternoon, lost soul and ex- priest Brian (Bettany, nuff said) is approached by Brian Hicks (Gigandet from Burlesque), the (almost adolescent) sheriff of the nearby town of Augustine.

It appears that the priest's brother True Blood's Moyer) Owen's farm has been attacked by the vile vamps; Owen is at death's door whilst his wife Shannon (Twin peaks Amick) is lying dead in a ditch and his daughter Lucy (ex Genesis drummer Collins) has been kidnapped.

Which as you can probably tell is fairly annoying for our hero.

Partly thru' family honour but mainly because the script calls for it our priestly chum approaches the clergy in the vain hope of having his holy authority to kick vamp arse reinstated, but Orelas is far to busy fiddling with kids to listen, sending our hero on his way with a bee in his ear and lump in his throat.

Not only that but he also bans Bettany from taking any action or starting any fights of any kind.

Holy shit!

"Adele number one from Christmas! Monsta!"

Slightly annoyed at this course of (non) action and realising the movie has gone 20 minutes without an action scene Priest Paul heads of to Augustine in order to hitch up with Hicks and avenge his family.

But as is always the way with these things, a slightly annoyed Orelas sends a group of the priests former comrades to track him down and bring him back.

Dead or alive.

And hopefully with his career still intact.

After a quick goodbye to his (by now fairly smelly) brother and a blink and miss it cameo from Lord Brad of Dourif, Paul the priest and hop-along Hicks head off to the Nightshade Reservation where vampire obsessed humans (all looking scarily like Jah Wobble) live alongside and serve the surviving vampires.

Which is quite lucky for our heroes (and the director) because it means even less GCI to deal with than earlier.

After questioning a few of these familiars regarding the whereabouts of the missing vamps, the priest gets annoyed and kills everyone before waiting till sundown and butchering the remaining blood suckers too.

But not until discovering the the vicious vamps have returned to their hive in  Sola Mira, the site of a botched mission where our religious right-doer lost his best pal, the enigmatic Basil Black Hat (Urban).

Clumsy sod.

"Boiled onions!"

They soon arrive (everything is within handy 5 minutes montage sequence away) at the hive where they're joined by the sexy Pauline Priestess (Q, but not the one from Star Trek), who due to being in love with our hero decides to help him on his mission rather than kill him.

Which is nice.

Between them the priests destroy the hive's guard dog and manage to discover the vampires plan which involves them digging a big tunnel out of the hive, building a train and taking it to the city where a lack of sunlight means that they'll be able to eat everyone with impunity.

And even those without.

But that's not all.

It seems that the vampires are being led by the aforementioned Black Hat who, after the vampire queen took a shine to him is now the first ever human/vampire hybrid.

But that's not all.

It turns out that the priests niece is actually his daughter, his sister-in-law is really his ex-girlfriend and Hicks has been secretly dating Lucy behind her dads (now uncles) back.

Got all that?


Because Black Hat knows all of this and is hoping to use poor Lucy as bait to capture the priest.

Before firing his vampy man-muck over her pert white breasts obviously.

For Q!

With the clock ticking - and the train choo-chooing - the Priest and his pals head off to catch the train before it reaches it's final destination.

Will Paul the Priest save his daughter?

Will Maggie Q ever pick a good role?

Will the audience see the irony of Bill Compton getting killed by vampires?

And will Bettany's career nosedive get any worse?

"Laugh now!"

CGI laden, clunkily dialogued and butchered to just the basics, Scott Stewart's (incredibly loose) adaptation of Min-Woo Hyung’s Korean graphic novels throws out the main character of Vascar De Gullion and the backstory featuring humanity's battle against the 12 fallen angels and instead replaces all this with generic slo-mo action scenes, cartoony vampires and sets straight out of Blade Runner all lovingly cut to a pompous orchestral score that takes itself about 3 times as seriously as the film does.

That's not to say it isn't enjoyable, Bettany's always worth a giggle and seeing him face of against Neighbours Jim Robinson is worth a few quid in anyones books but it all ends up looking and feeling like a lacklustre pilot for a SyFy channel series.

Albiet with a slightly larger costume budget than normal.

Whilst nowhere near as sphincter squeezing as Legion and far more entertaining than the Kurt Russell abomination Soldier (the film this most resembles) praising it is a wee bit like attempting to decide whether to have dry anal sex with your granny or your auntie.

Saying that tho' it's probably worth a look just to see what former Twin Peaks hottie Madchen Amick has done to her face in the intervening years.

Now that is truly horrifying.