Women! We must be crazy! You know what they say about women! They bring bad luck.
It's worse than that, Jacques. They're scientists. Can you imagine what kind of monsters they are?
With The Weekend of The Dead happening this very weekend (admittedly the name gave it away) I reckoned it was time to take a look back at some of the greatest Zombie movies ever made.
And this one obviously.
Talking of zombie movies don't forget that the stunning UnDeck is still available to buy and if you are attending this weekend and want to buy a set I'll even sign them for you.
Well not every single card obviously cos I'd be there all day but you know what I mean.
|The UnDeck....BUY IT NOW.|
So with that blatant plug out of the way it's on with the show.
And by show I mean review.
Porno Holocaust (AKA Insel der Zombies, Orgasmo Nero II 1981)
Dir: Joe D'amato.
Cast: George Eastman, Mark Shannon, Dirce Funari, Annj Goren and Lucia Ramirez.
Warty scrotumed sea fairing sex god Captain Darren O'Day (the manly Mark Shannon) has been hired by the Dominican government to ferry a team of scientists to a remote tropical island that once served as a nuclear test site in the 1950's.
It seems that in the intervening years strange stories have surfaced regarding bizarre mutations that now live on the island and the aforementioned scientific team - led by Dr. Lemoine Snickett (mustachioed and man breasted D'Amato regular Eastman) the physicist behind the original tests - has been sent to investigate.
As is the way in porn/horror hybrids, Lemoine's team consists of three fairly sexy (in a kinda kebab shop queue way), late 70's breasted nympho's and a dispensable old bloke with bad hair called Professor Keller
And before you ask I've absolutely no idea who plays him as he's not listed on the credits.
Yup his performance is that good.
But enough of the old men what about the babes you mentioned I hear you cry.
Well there's the granite faced Doctor Annie Darmon (former Egyptian immortal Ramirez) who scarily fancies the captain, the button nosed and boy-haired lesbian Countess Dorcin Dorcin de Saint Jacques (Goren, best known - by me anyway - for her stand out performance as Cristina the maid in Antonio D'Agostino's Eva Man) and finally Doctor Simone Keller (Funari best known for getting finger diddled by Laura Gemser in Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals), Professor Keller's horse-like wife and plaything of the Countess.
Something for everyone I'm sure you'll agree.
What was this film called again?
Before setting off to the island tho' there's just enough time for some nasty shagging.
Annie and O'Day head off into the countryside for some lumpy loving whilst the Countess pays a pair of local inbreds - and I really do mean local, D'Amato allegedly payed two men he met in the street $25 to have sex with Goren on film - for an impromptu biology lesson.
This turns out to be the films most disturbing scene as the tombstone toothed twosomes attempts to stay aroused are thwarted by the omnipresent camera crew as Goren stares dead-eyed into the middle distance obviously annoyed that her career has come to tossing off strangers in back alleys.
At this point I suggest a cold shower before continuing.
And it's probably best to ring your mum seeing as you now realize what she had to go thru' to be able to afford all the Christmas presents you got as a kid.
"Touch my warty scrotum....yesch!"
After all this nasty shagging everyone decides that it'd be a good idea to get to the island and start work (oh and start the films plot running good and proper) but all hope of this is dashed when, once again the kinky Countess and saucy Simone decide it'd be more interesting to indulge 'the sex' rather than indulge in any scientific research.
Interesting to them perhaps but by this point not to the viewer ho by now is almost certainly suffering from post - coital - traumatic stress disorder.
Or at the very least an aversion to undercooked sausage.
Meanwhile the Captain and Annie - not wanting to be left out - also rush off into the trees in order to find a secluded spot for a wee game of hide the warty wand, giving us a change to gaze in awe at Shannon's fantastically scary cum face in glorious wide screen.
He's thinking of your mum...
Realizing that most viewers will have never seen a real woman and most likely be hunched over their TeeVee's violently manipulating their members, the thoughtful Simone - after her luscious lesbo licking session - returns to the boat and in an act of solidarity with the audience offers her hubbie a swift hand shandy.
Well would you say no?
Probably not but I would insist she wear gloves.
After a few minutes in the company of mother fist and her five beautiful daughters and being a cleanliness obsessed kinda guy (see? it's not just me), Professor Keller wanders off to give hims unusually red and slightly swollen helmet a good scrub at the waters edge.
Tho' to be honest if I were him I'd be using bleach.
And then I'd pour it into my eyes just in case there's a chance of Mark Shannon thrusting his crusty cock at the screen again.
Luckily for my sight - and sanity - just when you've given up hope of anything truly horrifying happening a freakily deformed, rag wrapped tramp (sorry...zombie) arrives and murders the professor.
Finally someone died!
Not much you can say to that is there?
Hearing a muffled cry in the distance, a concerned Simone pops out of her tent - and her nightie - in order to look for her husband, totally failing to notice that the terrifying tramp is slowly advancing toward her.
Forcing the terrified (well, I say terrified but to be honest by this point she just looks bored or stoned) Simone to her knees the tramp begins to choke her to death with his comedy rubber zombie cock.
Which you have to admit is a fairly unique way to go in a zombie movie.
"Zombie cock in mah mooth!"
Realizing that no-one has seen or heard anything from Keller or Simone for a couple of hours, Captain Cock-Rot, Lemoine (relax girls, Eastman stays fully clothed) and the Countess (who at this point looks like she's lost the will to live) decide to mount a search party (not literally but with this movie it wouldn't surprise me).
No sooner have they left the relative safety of base camp (it's a fairly short movie, it just seems to last forever) that our merry band come across (again, not literally) not only poor Keller face down in a pool with his penis out but also a naked and spunk encrusted (not to mention very dead) Simone perched against a tree.
Our heroic Captain comes to the conclusion that there must be another person on the island with them....either that or a pissed off lobster with a hard on.
Mark Shannon impressed the rest of the cast
by using his largest genital wart as a stool between scenes.
by using his largest genital wart as a stool between scenes.
Whilst all this chat is going on (and trust me, it's a blessed relief from all the ugly sex) our zombie pal has decided that the sexy shenanigans have gone on for far too long and has decided to kill off the remaining (but more importantly unattractive) cast members as quickly as possible.
That's Mr. Eastman screwed then.
When he finally catches up with Annie (who stumbles on a twig and bruises her ankle whilst trying to escape, poor lamb) he bonks her on the head, binds her hands and carries her off to his lair.
But why? you may ask, I mean it's not like he can choose to be picky about who he shags to death, seeing as he's dressed in rags with a face like a half chewed caramel, so they're must be another reason.
Plot development in a Joe D'Amato movie?
Scary or what?
Here come the Belgians!
Leaving her lying against his favourite rock, Mr. Zombie wanders off to kill an investigative reporter who just happens to have turned up on the island unannounced (D'Amato himself, yes it's that cheap) leaving Annie enough time to have a nosy around his groovy bachelor pad where she finds an old rucksack (hidden behind a pile of old copies of Razzle magazines) that will no doubt contain information about the zombie and an abundance of useless backstory.
Excitedly she empties the contents of the aforementioned sack onto the dusty cave floor.
A rucksack like the one featured in the movie.
Leafing thru' the pile of tatty woman's clothes and various baby items Annie discovers a battered old diary with 'this book belongs to Antoine Demadura - do not read' scrawled on the inside cover.
Being a typical woman tho' Annie settles down ready to get all the gossip.
Meanwhile back at the beach, Captain O'Day is slightly upset by the fact that not only has his entire crew been murdered and his squeeze gone missing but his wee boat has vanished too.
Stomping about manfully and splitting coconuts with his buttocks he has no alternative but to have sex with the Countess to cheer himself up.
Annie on the other hand hasn't had sex for at least twenty minutes as she's far too busy reading how poor local farmer Demadura, his wife and ickle baby had been accidentally left on the island prior to the nuclear tests.
The death of his wife and child (coupled with the radiation obviously) mutated and regressed the poor fella to a point where only his most basic animal desires survived.
Which is a wee bit like your dad after a few beers if you're honest.
Luckily Annie has been spared the fate of her colleagues tho' because in a strange quirk of fate only found in movies such as this, she bares an uncanny resemblance to Demadura's dead wife.
As if wishing to push this point even further (obviously for those members of the audience who find the lead actress looking at a photo of herself in a different outfit whilst exclaiming "Oooh...I look like his dead wife!" too difficult to understand) Demandura turns up with his scabby head cleaned, the tufts of hair in his ears combed and clutching a bunch of flowers for Annie.
Awwww....what a sweetie!
Gently kissing his new love goodbye (well more like dribbles on her if I'm honest) he leaves the cave to look for the Countess.
Is he going to invite her back to the cave too maybe to explain that the entire killing spree was a misunderstanding?
No, when he finds her Demadura knocks her unconscious and proceeds to shag her to death over a big bit of driftwood.
Oh well. It was nice whilst it lasted.
The binmen strike again....
The Captain, by now the only survivor and obviously gagging for 'the sex', reckons it's about time he went to search for Annie.
Within a matter of minutes he's found Demadura's cave, untied her hands and dragged her off to the reporters boat for a quick getaway and a good grope.
Just as our heroes approach the shoreline and a chance of freedom, Demadura pops out of the undergrowth and makes a move toward Annie but O'Day shoots him with his handy speargun, only to see our zombie sex pest pluck the projectile from his body and move menacingly towards the captain, his cock swaying in the sea breeze.
Just as he lunges in for the kill Annie (remembering that she's still in the movie) calls out "No, Demadura! No!" whilst looking on in an uninterested manner causing his arm to fall off.
Howling with pain (or trapped wind) as the memories of his previous life come flooding back to him Demadura collapses onto the golden sands and dies leaving Annie and the Captain run hand in hand to the boat, cast off from shore and no doubt have a big shag to celebrate.
Joe D'Amato's companion piece to his sexy horror opus, Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, is more sex film than shocker, discarding the haunting voodoo menace of that movie for an atomic monster with a huge cock and a thing for colourful head scarves.
With it's uniformly ugly cast and brightly lit, almost clinical scenes of penetration and overgrown 70's bush the true horror comes not from the idea of being shagged to death by a large blue mutant but from the look on the cast members faces as the are forced to twist their faces and bodies into more and more frighteningly contorted shapes as they attempt an array of unique and horrifically fake 'cum faces' just to earn a dollar.
Or in Annj Goren's case enough to buy a bottle of extra strong mouthwash in order to rise away the taste of tramp from earlier.
It's enough to put you off sex (especially with zombies) for life and after almost two hours of Mark Shannon's aforementioned genital warts I'd challenge you to ever eat a bramble again.
Those minor niggles aside it does feature the only full screen death by forced zombie blow job I can think of on film so that must count for something I guess.
Like shagging a bin or eating out of a trans gendered dwarf (or is that the other way round?) Porno Holocaust is something you must experience at least once before you die.
Because to be honest I really shouldn't have to suffer this alone.