pish dish.

Still on a shark kick, partly to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Jaws but mainly in the hope of getting some new (or any) readers.

At least I'm honest.

Empire of The Sharks (2017).
Dir: Mark Atkins.
Cast: John Savage,, Jack Amstrong, Ashley de Lange, Jonathan Pienaar, Thandi Sebe, Camilla Waldman, Leandie du Randt, Tapiwa Musvosvi, Tauriq Jenkins, Joe Vaz, Tshamano Sebe, Sandi Schultz, Royston Stoffels, Mélodie Abad and Philip Tan.

The power resides within you, the amulet resonated with your power, it was never the source! You are the shark caller!

The time - the near future, the place - a world where PS 2 era cut scenes have become a reality and where 98% of the planet is underwater leaving the remains of society to fight for survival on a collection of shopping trolleys and discarded garden decking shoddily tied together and set adrift in the disused reservoir behind the directors South African holiday home.

Ruling over this sea-based band of unwashed pikeys is the evil warlord Ian Fien (Savage, the ex-man of bronze best known The Deer Hunter, The Onion Field and Salvador as well as Lucio Fulci's final film Door to Silence before bad investments and an expensive divorce caused him to be a wee bit less choosy in his roles - probably) who with the help of the greasy barnetted and stringy lipped Mason Scrim (actor and part-time artists model Pienaar coming across as the unholy lovechild of Iggy Pop and Albert Steptoe) and an army of mind-controlled sharks (no, really) spends his days collecting various 'tributes' from the populace in exchange for clean water.

Sounds legit.

"Do you need any scissors sharpening?"

As we join the story one such group of pikeys are even now being hassled by Scrimm who grumpily informs their leader Tustin Gee (Sebe) that they must double their tributes in future if they wish to get clean water, much to the chagrin of the boyish faced and big-eared Timor (council eastate Orlando Bloom Armstrong) who will be our hero for the next 90 odd minutes.

Which seeing as he has all the talent and charisma of a baby changing table is gonna make for interesting viewing.

Tired of Tustin's excuses - and no doubt his fishy breath -  Scrim orders his men to select 6 women to take in lieu of payment, one of which happens to be Timor's wannabe love interest Willow (de Lange from Blood Drive), a button-nosed blonde with a mysterious secret and a huge poundshop medallion that she keeps furtively glancing at every few minutes.

Maybe she has her lines written on it?

Anyway with Timor standing around looking lost it's up to Tustin to step in and attempt to save the ladies - and by the look of his ample girth attempt to save even more of the tribute for himself.

Unfortunately Scrim is in no mood for chat and punches him in the head before dangling him off the side of his boat then tossing a child's flask filled with electronics into the ocean.

Bizarrely enough these two things are actually related.

You see, the elctro-flask enables Scrim to control - via what looks like a pair of Nintendo power gloves with Christmas tree lights sellotaped to them - all the nearby sharks (who’ve been fitted , you'll be pleased to know, with disco lights on the sides of their heads) and order them to bite folk.

Because as you know, a shark wouldn't bite folk normally.

And with that poor Tustin is devoured in a shower of CG blood fakery as the hostages are loaded onboard and shipped off to Fien's floating fortress leaving Tustin to sob into the ample bosom of his big haired bestie Sion (Sebe, who's probably been in other stuff but I really can't be arsed checking).

Some old rope yesterday.

Being the only member of the cast with any discernible talent Sion is given a fair bit of exposition at this point - not only to fill us in on the background of the characters (Tustin hasn't got any parents, Willow is an orphan, hair straighteners are hard to come by, you know the kinda thing) but to move the plot forward and so to this end she reminds Tustin that he has a submarine stashed behind the bins so he could if he wanted head out to save Willow.

Or even better they could head to the local pub and hire a ragtag team to rescue Willow for them.

And with that they head off.

Destination: adventure - via some FX that would make the cast of Stingray balk at their shoddiness obviously.

Especially the bit where a poorly rendered CG shark gently rubs against the eggbox submarine causing it to leak, an effect that appears to have been achieved by getting a stagehand to piss in Amstrong's mouth whilst he frowns.

Tho' if I'm honest this is probably the most exciting bit of the film, well it's certainly the most erotic.

Taxi for Schubert!

Meanwhile Fien has tied the hostages to a makeshift maypole and is forcing them to walk around in circles whilst a lady explains the importance of Willow's necklace to us - and her.

Yup it seems that Willow's dad was a fabled 'shark caller' who - after the floods had the power to control the creatures thru' the medium of the hand jive.

Unfortunately Fien killed him and now uses the power - alongside Scrim - for evil.

Bastards.

Anyway, Timor and Sion soon arrive at the local pub where they come across (not in that way obviously but you can tell he was tempted) a Lego-haired woman called Nimue (du Randt) who is currently spending her time fleecing the locals of all their cash by challenging them to see who can sit with their head in bucket of water the longest.

No really.

Obviously this is a skill that's needed for a rescue mission so Timor eagerly asks her to help whilst Sion saunters over to speak to the enigmatic Toby (high Scrabble scoring Musvosvi), an explosives expert who also happens to own a scuba diving suit.

Tho' you think under the circumstances there'd be quite a few of those about wouldn't you?

Well fuck you film logic.

Not being one to turn down the chance to blow some shit up he excitedly agrees to join the team.

As everyone stands around uncomfortably trying to look natural Timor notices an Asian guy at the bar fleecing folk in a game of 'find the pea under the cup' and deduces that he must be using a miniature sonar device to rig the game.

Because, um, obviously that would be it.

Anyway he approaches the guy - whose name is Edgar and is played by the pube 'tached Jenkins - and introduces himself before offering him a place on the team.

And guess what? he says yes.

With this cut-price Avengers assemble all they need now is a boat.

And maybe better agents.

Enter (roughly and from behind by the cut of her jib) the dread pirate queen and pleasure cruise captain Ann Aldrin (dead eyed South African soap star and sexy grannie Waldman) who, having a window in her schedule offers to take them to Fien's fortress.

With everything in place Timor outlines his cunning plan.

And by cunning I mean utter shit.

"Oh no....I have my women's period!"

Here goes - Edgar will use his sexy sonar set to scan the fortress and find the hostages and Toby will use his scuba suit and plant explosives to blow open a way in whilst Nimue will hold her breath and swim very fast to lure the sharks away.

Meanwhile Timor will sneak aboard and rescue everyone.

Sion is there no doubt to hold the coats.

Everyone nods in agreement before retiring to bed to get some rest ready for the next days adventure.

Well I say everyone but Toby and Nimue have other ideas and decide to steal the Pot Noodle cargo stored in one of Lord Fien's boats causing all manner of upset and confusion that culminates in Timor radioing Scrim to apologize (whilst using the phrase 'fubar snafu' I kid you not - and Scrim retaliating by threatening to feed an extra to a shark if they don't put everything back exactly as it was.

High stakes indeed.

Obviously being a total walkover Timor does exactly that but as Fien's men are boiling the kettle Toby thinks fuck it and blows the boat up leaving everyone no option but to move ahead with their plan.

A plan that Fien now knows about.

I mean why they just didn't steal the Pot Noodle cargo boat and sneak aboard the fortress I'll never know.

Actually I do know why, that would involve an adult having to write the script.

"Can you smell petrol?"

The thought of a month without any tearful wank-based noodle snacks is the least of Fien's worries tho' as it appears that the sharks will no longer do his bidding, at least when Willow is around that is.

Could this be related?

Well Fien thinks so and chucks Willow into the water to see if the sharks will eat her, which they don't - obviously and with that he helps her back onboard, hands her a towel and orders his men to scan her brain activity so they can copy her powers or something.

Tho' why they need to seeing as they have an electronic device that does the job as well as she can is never explained.

I mean if they just killed her then they wouldn't have to worry about her powers being stronger at all.

And we wouldn't be subjected to her harsh-faced 'acting' every few minutes.

You see?

Everyone would be a winner.

And with that plot point totally ignored we head back over to our merry band who are all ready to set sail for Castle Fien.

But the bad men are prepared and attempt to sink the boat with a shite-firing catapult as Edgar attempts to map the layout on his laptop.

Well it's either that or he's online trying to convince folk he's from the Apple IT department so he can access their bank details.

As Captain Aldrin dodges more and more missiles it's time to put part 2 of the plan into operation, so Nimue greases herself up and jumps into the water to lure the sharks away whilst Timor sneaks up to the underwater door in the hope that Fien has left a spare key under the mat.

Unfortunately in the confusion Toby mistakes a shark for a sausage roll and is inadvertently pulled under the water to his doom.

As the sharks give chase Timor quickly makes it to the fortress and makes his way inside/aboard whilst Nimue - knowing her job is done and she's now surplus to requirements - wiggles about a bit safe in the knowledge that the FX team will do their best to make her death scene look epic and not, I repeat, not like she's getting molested by a pack of poorly rendered Minecraft-esque goldfish.

Laugh and indeed now.

As Timor sneaks about the potting sheds looking for Willow it's revealed that Fein has a secret weapon to thwart our heroes - a kamikaze shark capable of taking out a boat.

As in blow it up, not wine and dine it before making smooth and beautiful love to it in an upmarket hotel.

But you probably guessed that.

And with a girly giggle he orders the shark to attack our brave band in all it's shoddily CG-ed goblin glory.

Seriously it's worth the rental fee just for this sequence.

Tho' not the shame of admitting to watching it obviously.

But Aldrin isn't going down without a fight (unlike your mum) and starts firing a harpoon gun randomly into the waves before thinking "fuck it" and abandoning ship closely followed by Edgar and Sion.

As they swim for the -relative - safety of the fortress Scrim orders the sharks to attack Edgar who is unconvincingly dragged under the waves by a huge bit of curved cardboard whilst Aldrin and Sion are taken to Fien and used as shark bait to lure Willow and Timor out of hiding.

It never rains.

Richard Ayoade, up the casino, Bradford, 2016.....YESCH.

Will Timor and his rapidly diminishing team defeat Fien and restore order this post apocalyptic world?

Will Willow ever master not only her shark powers but the ability to walk and talk at the same time?

Will anyone actually care enough to find out?

'Director' Mark Atkins sequel to his 2016 'classic' Planet of The Sharks features more of what you'd expect from an Asylum/SyFy channel co-production - threadbare plotting, sub-community centre panto performances, sets hastily constructed from whatever was lying around and a load of CG shark stuff that cost a few quid when the original Sharknado came out so the company feel they have to get their monies worth from, hence the never ending cycle of Shark-this and Shark-that titles they seem to have released with truly terrifying frequency.

"Shark power activated!" (But it's opposite day!)

That's not to say that the film is without its merits tho' - yes the writing veers wildly between awful and just plain appalling with no rhyme  or reason for anything to happen other that 'just because' and the acting - what there is of it - is either non-existent or trying too hard depending on who's onscreen at any given moment but what they hell most of the cast seem to be enjoying themselves and it'd be churlish not to join in.

Saying that tho' Thandi Sebe is genuinely great, it's almost as if she's stumbled off the set of a better movie and knows it, pissed off and prissy in equal measures she dominates every scene and even manages to convince you at one point that the upturned bath she's sitting in is really a hi-tech minisub being attacked by sharks and not being gently rocked by a stagehand as he spurts water into her face.

Plus she must really like sharks - or director Atkins has some dead dodgy pics of her - seeing as she went straight from this to his magnum opus 6 Headed Shark Attack.

Nuff said.

Para Thandi.

Let's be honest tho', you don't fire up an Asylum shark movie expecting Jaws (or even Shark Attack III), no you pop it on your player, pop out your brain and let the sheer shadiness of it spurt over you like the cheap and cheerful sinematic slut that it is.

Just don't tell your friends about it later.

Or blog about it obviously.* 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I'm OK seeing as no fucker ever reads this.

fish cake.

Seeing as that classic of creature features Jaws is 50 this year and is currently on our cinema screens I thought I'd rewatch this in celebration.

Enjoy! 

The Last Shark (AKA The Last Jaws, L'ultimo squalo, Great White. 1981).
Dir: Enzo G. Castellari.
Cast: James Franciscus, Vic Morrow, Micaela Pignatelli, Joshua Sinclair, Giancarlo Prete, Stefania Girolami, Gian Marco Lari , Chuck Kaufman, Gail Moore and a shark.

"No damned shark is gonna screw up a whole year's work and planning!"

Hip, bubble-permed windsurfing champion and Mr. Bungle lead vocalist Mike Patton, is practising his cool moves to the smooth sound of Yvonne Wilkins hit "Hollywood Big Time" whilst wearing the tightest vest ever known to man (Which in itself is quite a feat) in the hope of winning the annual Port Harbour surfing competition.

Everything is going swimmingly, well surfingly, until poor Mike is dragged kicking and spluttering beneath the waves.

Enter (you know you want to) local writer and shark expert Peter Benton (Beneath The Planet of The Apes, Cat o' Nine Tails and Naked City star Franciscus) who after getting an earful regarding a lack vegetables in the pantry courtesy of his Farrah-lite wife Gloria (the terrifyingly toothsome Pignatelli) decides to investigate Mike's disappearance.

"Is it in yet?"

.

You see, their beautiful, well I say beautiful, daughter Jenny (Castellari's real-life daughter and latter-day Hollywood based assistant director Girolami) was on the beach at the time is pretty sure that the overpowering stench of fish filled the air seconds before he vanished.

Anyway, whilst Peter is wandering around the obviously off-season and freezing cold beach looking for a big rubber fish, his wife is busy at work organising the aforementioned competition and regatta for local congressman and professional stud-muffin William Wells (Sinclair, the actor that, in an alternative universe was cast as Tony Stark in Ruggero Deodato's Iron Man movie).

Wells, being a kindly soul is a wee bit worried that a giant shark terrorising the bay might put folk off from visiting the festivities so decides to hire local fisherman Ed Glover to hunt down then destroy the ferocious fish.

Vic Morrow deciding whether to use Head and Shoulders or Sainsbury's own brand to wash his hair yesterday.

Unfortunately (for Ed) the shark gobbles up everything except his arm before nudging the boat back to port as a kind of water-based ASBO calling card.

Wells is obviously even more worried now but his white suited assistant (Howard Keel in an uncredited cameo and a nipple revealing string vest, I'm sure of it) manages to convince him that a rogue hand grenade caused the damage and also, as luck would have it that he's noticed that the local Asda has a massive collection of shark proof nets on sale.

And they're three for the price of two.

Seeing this as a good omen (as opposed to say, The Final Conflict), Wells orders the show to go ahead but not before putting Peter and his best pal, the comedy accented and candy-floss haired Scottish skipper Captain 'Ron' McHammer (the late, great Morrow, chewing scenery like a starving Somali chews his own gammy leg) in charge of security and the islands only pair of binoculars.

I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse.

Soon the beach is full of playful teens, pot bellied adults and those kind of ball headed, hairy children you only got in the seventies all intent on enjoying the regatta.

With all the participants are waxing their boards before heading into the water, it's left to Peter and Ron to nonchalantly watch the water for tell-tale fins whilst Howard Keel supervises the race from his little boat.

What could possibly go wrong?

With nothing unusual in the water save a mysteriously bobbing buoy the race begins but within minutes the very same bouncy and somewhat bullying buoy is zig-zagging thru' the competitors knocking them all off their boards.

Too late Cap'n Ron realises what's happened.

That snide shark has obviously disguised himself as a beach ball and is even know preparing to lunch out on the surfers smooth thighs.

Using his fishing boat and big net to catch stray surfers and pull them to safety, Ron and Peter are oblivious to the big beast swimming (well lolling) closer to the star of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers until it's again too late.

Damn you Mr. Tension.

Without warning (save a sexy guitar twang) Howard's boat is throw skywards by some unseen force (which I'm assuming was meant to be either the sharks hitherto unexplained psychic powers, a massive fishy fart or that the model refused to shoot upwards) leaving the poor sod bobbing about in the water crying like a baby till the shark gobbles him up.

Richard Dreyfuss farted...and it was an eggy one.

A by now really annoyed Wells, realising that he'll never have his armoured suit ready in time to kill the shark retreats to his office in a huff, leaving our terrific twosome to go it alone and, in a plan of diabolical ingenuity follow the shark back to his underground lair, what till it goes out for lunch then hide inside armed with some dynamite on a stick.

Genius.

With Gloria on-board for moral support and a cheeky show of flesh, Peter and Ron suit up and dive down to the sharks cave only to get trapped in a rock-fall caused by the crafty fish itself, who had already anticipated their plan and had been lying in wait behind a big sponge.

This shark is good.

With Ron unconscious and his air hose broke (no doubt causing lots of trouble and lots of bubbles) Peter, using a makeshift underwater catapult fires the dynamite at the shark and frightens it away.

Not only that but the explosion clears the rocks giving our heroes a clean run to the surface.

Hurrah.

With all this exciting (if a wee bit dangerous) shark hunting and near death chills going down you'd be forgiven for thinking the poor audience would get a break from the excitement to get their breath back or at least have a slash, but oh no because we soon discover that back on the island Wells' pube haired son Billy has rather foolishly decided to steal his dads boat and alongside his friends (and Jenny) to head out to sea and kill the shark themselves to avenge Mikes (you remember him) death.

It's like an episode of Eastenders but with fewer laughs and less of a rancid fish odour.

Jenny: I've got something to put in you.

Busying themselves by tying a bag of offal to a broom the teens completely fail to see the shark slowly heading towards the boat till it's too late, only noticing when it jumps out of the water to grab the meat treat.

The friends have no other option but to scream and shout as the brute tears up the bait before inadvertently biting the broom in half, sending Jenny tumbling into the cold, icy sea.

Billy desperately tries to pull her back on-board as the snappy shark bounces up and down on the waves like a multi-toothed beach toy whilst the rest of the crew shuffle about trying to look concerned, eventually tho' Jenny is dragged to safety.

Minus her leg.

"Boiled Onions!"

As luck (or simplistic plotting) would have it her dad is just sailing passed as this is happening so Within no time at all Jenny is back on dry land and laid up in a hospital bed as her dad (quite cruelly methinks) chats to her about the first time she rode a bike, her first dance and the like, you know just all the stuff that she won't be doing again any time soon.

Bastard.

but not everyone is so calm as we can tell from Wells' reaction to seeing his son moping about the waiting room.

After administering a quick disciplinary buggery on the boy, our moustachioed hunk, armed with only a machine gun and a carrier bag full of entrails heads over to his private heliport to take to the skies in the hope of raining hot leaded death on the killer fish.

just imagine that's your cock he's about to suck on...just don't imagine him taking it out of a box and lighting it first.

After a few minutes hanging out of the helicopter throwing bits of meat into the sea Wells actually seems surprised when the shark shows up.

Tho' saying that I probably would be too seeing as it appears to be moving thru' the water whilst balancing on it's fin looking for all intent and purposes like a badly made performing seal.

none of this really matters tho' as Wells is soon in the drink and frantically waving at the helicopter to pick him up.

"Laugh now!"

Wells' fearless pilot Geoff lowers the helicopter as near to the water as he can enabling a very wet Wells to grab onto the landing rail and get whisked to safety.

Well that was the plan anyway.

The reality of the situation is much more amusing as the shark leaps up out of the sea and bites Wells' in half before eating the helicopter.

Can this film get anymore pant wettingly exciting?

You betcha it can, cos even now back onshore beardy news reporter Bob Snatch and his porn god cameraman Sheldon have decided to staple a pig to the pier in the hope of getting the shark on TV.

And planning for every eventuality they've even hired a big game hunter to shoot the shark live on air.

Well I'd tune in.

"Balsa wood in mah mooth ya bastards!"

But don't forget that Ron and Peter have once again braved the elements and are back out at sea hoping to find this fiendish fish from hell.

Coming across (not in that way, tho' it's Vic Morrow so you never can tell) the debris from Wells' helicopter, Cap'n Ron dives down to investigate only to find Wells' severed arm and a long piece of string.

Tugging it gently Ron soon discovers that the string is tied to one of the sharks teeth and that the poor animal is using the wreckage in an attempt to pull it out.

So that's why it's so grumpy.

Swimming back to the boat to fetch his cavity filler Ron manages to become entangled in the string and is soon dragged to his death below the ocean waves as Peter watches on helplessly.

Which is nice if a little less dramatic a death scene than we'd have liked.

Realising what an arse he's made of things so far Peter admits defeat and heads back to the beach for a well deserved ice cream and a can of fizzy pop only to be greeted by the sight of the town pier, with his wife, Sheldon, the big game hunter guy and various non-speaking townfolk aboard, being dragged out to sea by the shark.

Racing to the rescue (but not in time to save the hunter or Sheldon) Peter pulls alongside the rapidly sinking pier and drags everyone aboard his boat but as he manhandles his wife's ample arse aboard the shark picks up speed, dragging our hero away from safety and trapping him on an ever quicker sinking pile of sodden wood and streamers.

"Will it eat me whole?" "No it shall probably spit that bit out".

As the shark leaps toward Peter like some grinning seventies sock puppet our hero notices Ron's body hanging limply out of the side of it's mouth.

And just within reach?

Ron's handy dynamite belt.

With  all his remaining strength and a high pitched scream Peter launches himself at the beast, grabs the detonator and kicks his best pals bloated corpse further down the sharks gullet before diving into the sea and pressing the detonators shiny red button causing the shark to pop like a big balloon full of jelly.

"Aya! Mah BCG!"

Returning to dry land with his wife on his arm and the townsfolk cheering Peter has one piece of unfinished business to deal with.

Punching Bob in the face for no discernible reason, Peter throws his wife into the backseat of the car and drives home for some well deserved sex.

From Italy's master of unlocking, the great Enzo Castellari (he of Inglorious Bastards and The New Barbarians fame amongst other goodies) comes the tarnished jewel in the scrap pile of copycat movies released in Jaws wake.



After replacing Charlton Heston in Beneath The Planet Of The Apes, James Franciscus seems to have no qualms about stepping into Roy Scheider's shoes whilst Vic Morrow just looks happy with the thought of earning enough to eat that month and the rest of the cast?
Who cares.

Apart from Universal Pictures and Steven Spielberg himself obviously, who successfully managed to have this film pulled from American cinemas.....FOREVER.

Which is a shame really because in many ways The Last Shark is superior to the film it rips off.

Nah, only joking.

Standby for action!

But it does boast a fantastic eighties Italiana score, some very stylish haircuts and a rare appearance by Howard Keels nipples so in that respect at least it's worth a look.

Plus if I'm honest Vic Morrows arse looks great in a wetsuit.

forbidden fruit basket.

As is the way in oor hoose, we decided to rewatch our fave movie from the Alien franchise to celebrate the release of Noah Hawley's Alien Earth mini-series.*

This caused no end of problems tho' seeing as my better half loves Aliens, wrongly thinking it's the best one whereas I'm one of those truly insightful folk that know for a fact that Alien3 is by far the superior movie.

After much fisticuffs, burning stuff and shouting we agreed to compromise and settled on...

Forbidden World (AKA Mutant, Subject 20. 1982)
Dir: Allan Holzman.
Cast: Jesse Vint, Dawn Dunlap, June Chadwick, Linden Chiles, Fox Harris, Don Olivera, Raymond Oliver and Scott Paulin.

"Let's go bag ourselves a Dingwhopper!"

Studly space hunk and beige clad gun for hire Mike Colby (rodent faced teevee stalwart Vint) is woken from hyper-sleep by his bucket headed, muffle moothed robot sidekick SAM-104 (voiced by FX man Olivera and played by a child in a cheap Stormtrooper Halloween outfit) to the news that a squadron of cut-throat space pirates are trying to blow them up to the score from 2001.

Not noticing that the monitors are in fact just replaying scenes from Battle Beyond The Stars our hunky hero presses some flashing buttons making random things explode whilst his plastic pal mumbles incomprehensibly.

But there's no rest for the wicked - or the just really incompetent - for no sooner have the space raiders been defeated than an emergency call comes thru' from a genetic research station located on the distant desert world of Xarbia and run by the permanently angry Dr. Gordon Hauser (Chiles, yet another teevee veteran) who in turn is aided and abetted by the one lunged chain smoker Dr. Cal Timbergen (Harris from Repo Man) and posh totty Dr. Barbara Glaser (Chadwick from 'V' with a visible pantie line that almost bursts forth from the screen, God help anyone watching this on a wall mounted plasma, tho' the chances of them getting foreign matter on the screen during the sexy bits will drop sharply).

There are a few other folk but none of them are really that interesting.

Except that is for the cute as a button and scarily shelf arsed Tracy Baxter (played to Formica perfection by the pudgy cheeked and often naked star of Barbarian Queen and Les Ombres De L'été plus former tyre manufacturer Dunlap).

Two puppies fighting in a binbag yesterday.

Arriving at the base and immediately catching the (boss) eye of the sex starved Baxter, Colby is introduced to everyone before being taken up the laboratory (steady) by Dr. Hauser to stare at a room full of dead rabbits and what looks like a big stringy shit in a Perspex box.

Colby, not too sure how to react and being slightly pissed off that he hasn't shot or shagged anyone for at least twenty minutes just looks at it in a quizzical manner.

Oh yes, and occasionally frowns.

But as Dr. Glaser breathlessly explains, this is no common or garden shit but an experimental life form that they've (snappily) named "Subject 20".

Well, it was either that or Lindsey.

"Fuck me! It's Fred Titmuss!"

It appears that the clever old science types have created a brand new synthetic DNA strain - or Proto B as it's more commonly known - in order to rid the galaxy of all famine, unfortunately tho' they accidentally impregnated one of their co-workers with it (during what I can only assume was a really drunken Christmas party) causing it to eat her whole (tho' I think they said it spat that bit out) and kill all the bunnies onboard before covering itself in bright pink feces and falling asleep in a fishtank.

As you would.

Colby decides the best course of action would be to shoot "Subject 20", have sex with Barbara (and/or Tracy), have a quick bite to eat and leave.

Surprisingly the scientists disagree (except for the food bit and probably the sex too) and persuade Colby to retire to the mess for a bag of Johnny Onion Rings and a Pot Noodle before taking any action.

Whilst the rest of the group head off for some tuck, young Ricky lab tech is left in charge of cleaning up the dead rabbits and told, in no uncertain terms not to poke the giant pooh or get any of it in his eyes.

Or his mouth.

"Shite in mah mooth!"

It'll come as no surprise then when Ricky, bored with scraping animal intestines of a bench with a toothbrush, decides to see what happens if he sticks his head in the shit-case and give it a wee tickle.

Much screaming (and much, much more mooth and shite interfacing) ensues.

Rushing into the lab to see what all the shoutings about (and spilling curry sauce down his shirt in the process, which makes a change from the stains left by shame I guess) Dr. Hauser gets even angrier than normal when he discovers that the creature has escaped into the air-vent.

However he soon cheers up when he realizes that Ricky isn't really dead but is being kept alive by the bit of "Subject 20" that fell on him, meaning that when he recovers Hauser can give him a damn good thrashing for ignoring the rules.

Poking Ricky with a stick whilst trying not to let her pendulous breasts droop into the slimy hole that was his face, Barbara makes a horrifying discovery of her own. It seems that the mucky mutant is actually absorbing Ricky and mutating him into another creature.

Yuck.

"I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse".

With everyone upset and the food having gone cold Dr. Hauser suggests (in a rare show of humanity) that everyone should have an early night and worry about the mess in the morning, Barbara has other ideas tho' and persuades Colby to indulge in a game of hide the (undoubtedly moldy) hot dog with this choice piece of chat up dialogue:

Bubbly Babs: "I hear you're the biggest trouble shooter in this part of the galaxy".
Cool-cat Colby: "That's what they tell me".
Bubbly Babs: "Well how'd you like to see some........trouble?"

Bizarrely this movie was cruelly overlooked at the 1982 Oscars, losing out on best Original Screenplay to Chariots of Fire.

Like has anyone ever heard of that let alone seen it?

Anyway, back to the plot and whilst Colby and Babs are getting down and getting dirty, the stations head of security (Late Review's Paulin) sweatily sits back and enjoys the show.

Luckily for us (and the station's cleaners) he's disturbed mid-stroke by a strange grunting noise coming from the cargo bay.

Like all good security types he decides to investigate.

Alone.

As you can probably guess, it's not long till his dying screams are heard throughout the base causing everyone to wake up in a startled manner but more importantly causing Colby to shoot off early, covering Bab's knees with space spunk.

How will he explain that to his Nan?

"Laugh now!"

The next morning Colby puts his fantastic monster catching plan into operation.

This involves him skulking around the base in a very suspicious manner whilst pointing his gun at stuff.

Well they did say he was the best of the best.

By some strange coincidence he just happens across Tracy whilst she's enjoying a naked steam bath and it's not long before she's persuaded him to get naked too.

How the fuck does he manage it?

Unfortunately for Colby (but fortunate for those of us not turned on by old man cock) just as he's about to stick it in Tracy the monstrous mutant drops out of an air-vent and waves it's flaccid, KY Jelly encrusted tentacles in a vaguely camp manner.

Tracy's ear bursting screams bring the rest of the crew (including a really angry and by now ready to explode with sexual frustration Barbara) running in just in time to see the beast scuttle away into a nearby airlock before bobbing away across the planets surface.

Realizing he's not going to get a proper shag till the thing is dead, Colby suggests that the men folk head outside to hunt it down whilst the ladies make a nice strong cuppa or something.

How your girlfriend manages to pay for all those expensive birthday gifts she gets you.

Decked out in sci-fi head scarves, a couple of second hand gimp masks and some Wellington boots our luckless band (and Sam the robot) wander aimlessly around the studio backlot before coming across what looks like a giant paper mache testicle hanging from a rock.

Sam - being jealous of not having man-parts - shoots it Whilst Dr. Hauser screams something about having much to learn from it and how we should all be friends and stuff.

Before he gets too annoyingly preachy the beast turns up and bites his face before darting back into the airlock with his still twitching body.

Heading back inside (and thus filling the movies meager running time with lots of corridor shots) Colby and co. are just about to explain what's happened when Hauser reappears, all melty faced and dripping shit for every orifice.

As is the way in these situations, he falls on poor Tracy getting her all slimy and sticky meaning that she needs to take a bizarro sonic shower straight away.

Oh yes, and she needs Barbara to join her so she can make sure all the slime is washed off.

No. Need.

It's during this completely non gratuitous and important scene that Barbara realizes that she has the solution to the monster problem.

And no, it's not have slimy tentacle sex with it unfortunately but instead the pair of them decide to don arse revealing bathrobes, head on down to the lab that it's hiding in and have a friendly chat with it.

What could possibly go wrong?

Within minutes Babs is bent over a computer desperately trying to communicate with the beast whilst hoping (in vain) that the cameraman can't see what she had for lunch.

Deciding to ask "What do you want?" the creature pauses for a moment to think of an intelligent answer before replying (in the movies most erotic scene) by shoving one of it's tentacles right up Barbara's arse and out of her mouth.

Tracy runs away screaming, her breasts bouncing like a couple of playful beagles in a bag as she goes.

With only Colby, cough-pot Timbergen, Tracy, her aforementioned breasts and ample arse left alive the chances of anyone surviving to the films end looks bleak.

But Timbergen has a secret weapon and the only thing that can possibly kill a beast capable of instantly adapting to the DNA of its victims.

Other than a nuclear bomb or a big fire obviously.

Yes, you guessed it, he's going to feed it his cancerous stomach tumour.

The only problem being that it's still inside him and Colby is the only person not shot too much to fuck to cut it out.

But as Colby prepares for the operation, the beast slithers ever closer....

With everyone from Luigi Cozzi (the egg-tastic Contamination), Norman Warren (Inseminoid) and Harry Bromley Knight (Xtro) picking over the corpse of Sir Ridley of Scott's big budget seminal sci-fi shlocker Alien, it was only a matter of time before king of the B's Lord Roger Corman got in on the act, first with the James Cameron designed Galaxy Of Terror and then (using the same sets, costumes, etc.) with Forbidden World.

Galaxy of Terror: Slimier monsters, faker breasts.

Directed by the former (and latter) editor Allan Holzman - best known for his work on Crazy Mama and Battle Beyond The Stars - after winning a bet with big Rog that he could shoot and edit enough rough footage in a day to make a coherent scene (that actually ends up as the films opening), Forbidden World may be cheesier than a tramps feet and cheaper than your girlfriend but it possesses a trashy heart (and neck of pure brass) that raises it above much of the competition.

The fact that it features some of the lamest excuses for nudity ever and a monster that the seventies Doctor Who production team would knock back as being too cheap doesn't do it any harm either.**

"Put it in me!"

Shamelessly ripping off everything from Star Wars to 2001 via Silent Running along the way, Forbidden World proudly wears it's influences on it's sleeve, almost boasting how it had (metaphorically) bummed Alien in a back alley then stolen its shoes, in equal parts enjoyable, laughable and as entertaining as watching your Dad drunkenly fall down the stairs whilst pissing himself.

Plus it has the audacity to cast big headed, baby doll Dawn Dunlap as a scientist and expect us not to laugh.

With balls of solid steel and a budget of less than a fiver Forbidden World delivers more scares, shocks, bare arses and laugh now moments than any other film with the same title plus it has slightly more natural breasts than the frighteningly pneumatic pair on show in Galaxy of Terror and for that we should all be grateful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 *Surprisingly the first 2 episodes are not too shady, tho' I do have one big question....If a mobile phone rings in her general vicinity does she make that odd clicking noise like my speakers used to?

 

 

 **To be honest right now screw the Xenomorph - I'm rooting for this little guy so fucking much. He is the hero this show deserves.

 

pleasence valley sunday.

Watched this t'other night as it was the closest thing to hand plus strangely enough I'd never seen it before or heard anything about it except for the fact that lead actress Trine Michelsen wore a lovely red frock in it.

So gotta be worth a punt then.

 
Specters (1987).

Dir: Marcello Avallone.

Cast: John R. Pepper, Trine Michelsen, Donald Pleasence, Massimo De Rossi, Matteo Gazzolo, Lavinia Grizi, Riccardo Parisio Perrotti, Laurentina Guidotti, Erna Schürer and Giovanni Tamberi.

 

“If you are very quiet you can hear the distant voices of those who are buried here.”

 

Welcome to downtown Rome where a crew of hard-hatted engineer types are digging a new subway tunnel due to the massive amounts of film crews wanting to film down there after the success of Demons or something.

 

Or was it The Church?

 

It definitely wasn't Deathline tho' cos that was shot in the UK.

 

Saying that, they might be Patrick Troughton fans.

 

But I digress. 

 

Anyway, literally just underneath where they're constructing this new tunnel, eminent Professor of old things Geoff Lasky (a visibly alcohol-oozing Pleasence wearing a dead mans cardigan) is keeping his students busy by getting them to measure various ruins whilst scoffing apples.

 

Seriously there isn't a single scene in the film that doesn't feature a cast member eating/throwing/caressing an apple, it's like the entire thing was sponsored by Granny Smith.

 

Anyway it appears that the whole subway situation has caused the Professors catacomb dig to collapse revealing a hidden tomb with the words “Whether invoked or not invoked, evil will come.” carved above the entrance.

 

Which is nice. 

 

Obviously totally ignoring the warning Lasky and his students start to investigate, soon uncovering what looks like a plaster model of a dolls face with a massive gaping mouth just big enough to pop your cock in.

 

Or a slice of apple.

 

"I love you....could it be magic?"

 

Suddenly and without warning we appear to have traveled thru time and space to a music video for Ultravox circa 1983 where a hunky (well as far as greased-haired Italians can be) young man is driving a lovely young lady (in the aforementioned frankly smashing red dress) along a deserted road.

 

Destination?

 

Love possibly.

 

Although that might be a lie and he may disappear after they park leaving her to fall into the clutches of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

  

Which in fact does actually happen.

 

Don't worry about any girl on fish tomfoolery occurring tho' as the whole thing is actually revealed to be a scene from a video being made for Alice's new pop song "Kiss My Fishlips!" and is quite a nice way of introducing not only our film's heroine Alice (Danish model and actress Michelsen whom you may recognise from Delirium) but her boyfriend - and one of Lasky's assistants Marcus (photographer, theatre director, filmmaker and father of the sheriff from Live And Let Die - Pepper), who's just arrived on set to take her back to his for a wee kiss and cuddle.

 

Unfortunately Alice is a bit pissed of that Marcus is spending so much time digging around in the dirt with Donald Pleasence so tells him in no uncertain terms to fuck off before shouting at her director and a fat sweaty man from the NME and finally storming off to her trailer.

 

Women eh?

 

The entire 80s summed up in one photograph.

 

 

  

 

Meanwhile back at the dig Professor Lasky and his team are busying themselves trying to figure out why anyone would bury sn evil, demonic entity beneath the mausoleum of the Roman Emperor Domitian.

 

"Was it cos they is Pagans?" asks the bespectacled Angelo (De Torrebruna, like anyone reading cares) helpfully whilst Barbara ('star' of You Disturb Me - Grizi) fiddles with her hair.

We never get to hear Lasky's reply tho' as we're suddenly following the oldest group of school kids in the world - led by Strip Nude For Your Killer's Erna Schürer and a depressingly nihilistic blind guide named Matteo (De Rossi wearing Peter Bark's discarded wig) - on a day trip around the catacombs.

 

 

"Hello it's the blind man, is anyone home?"

 

 

 

It wont come as any surprise to find that two of the students, Mike (Gazzolo from Umberto Lenzi's House of Lost Souls) and his ball-faced girlfriend Maria (latter day film producer Guidotti) are way more interested in sneaking off for a wee cuddle than traipsing around a damp muddy cave with some guy who looks like Jimmy Nail off Temu, so the pair decide to take a detour through an unmarked catacomb for some 80s style kissy kissy action involving double denim and bubble perms.

 

This however is soon interrupted firstly by a lone rat, followed by a huge gust of supernatural wind and finally a collapsing ceiling.

 

To be fair they'd be fucking quids in on You've Been Framed.

 

 

"Put it in me!"

 

Luckily no-one is hurt and the pair are promptly taken away in an ambulance and quickly forgotten.

I mean, come on, we're more interested in what Alice is sporting at the wrap party being hosted by the Italian version of Trevor Horn.

 

Or is that Timmy Mallet? 

 

Because let's be honest it takes a special type of gal to pull off a Thunderbirds cum SS inspired party outfit.

 

And Alice is most definitely that gal. 

 

But unfortunately at the moment she's a fairly grumpy one. 

 

Thunderbirds sind los!
 

You see she's deciding whether she should dump Marcus because even tho' they both love spaghetti and shagging she's upset that he spends so much time at the dig.

 

As horror subplots go this one is fairly unique I guess.

 

It doesn't last long tho' as no sooner has Marcus arrived than the pair kiss and make up and decide to go home for a wee bout of "the sex" but as the loved up pair approach their car a mysteriously shoe-less hooded tramp warns them that  

 

“It’s time to leave. To run away from this rotten place. Flee the city before evil, which is tired of hiding in the bowels of the earth, decides to wake. Leave before the sinister howls of the phantoms engulfed us all!”

Before asking them for the bus fare to Queensbury.

 

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Trevor Horn is suddenly attacked by deadly corks bursting out of the wine bottles in the cellar before tripping over the carpet resulting in him falling head first thru a window and being garotted.

 

Ouch.

 

"Is it in yet?"

 

 

 

The next morning Marcus heads back to the dig nice and early in order to prepare himself for the first trip into the secret catacomb for over 2000 years, it's no surprise to find Lasky is fairly excited to find out what's down there but not excited (or stupid) enough to go himself obviously.

 

Which to be fair is actually a pretty sensible choice seeing as within minutes of descending Marcus has fallen into a huge hole and lost radio contact with the team.

 

This turn of events does give us time to gaze in wonder at the top of the range graphics on the Commodore Amiga that Angelo is desperately prodding to regain contact with his pal so swings and roundabouts really.

 

Luckily for those of a nervous disposition watching this whole situation is sorted within minutes and contact is soon reestablished just in time for Marcus to share footage of the massive paper mache (sorry stone) tomb emblazed with the word EVIL (in Latin so it must be legit) he's discovered in the middle of the room alongside a tiny bone and what looks like a four-pronged gardening trowel that may - or may not - come in useful for killing any monsters (or specters) later.

 

This kind of love is wrong, but you know it feels so right
Runnin' my hands across your cheeks
They're oh so smooth and white
So leave the light on baby, and unlock your backdoor
I'll be comin' through that way tonight to love you for sure.

Marcus quickly returns to the surface (it's a fairly short movie) and hands Angelo the bone (which he quickly takes to an anthropologist pal to be examined) and Lasky the trowel which he excitedly inspects before contacting the digs financier Len Gaspare (Murder Rock's Perrotti - literally what you get if you order Patrick Stewart from Grindr) who arranges to meet up with Lasky in order to criticize his lack of imagination whilst rubbing his semi-engorged member against his back and massaging the Professors shoulders just like your uncle used to when you were little.

 

Returning to his antique shop cum house cum sex dungeon (which bizarrely is connected to the tomb by an underground tunnel for absolutely no reason) Gaspare orders his leather-clad, thin lipped henchman Gino (Phantom of Death's Tamberi)  to steal the ancient trowel from Professor Lasky. 

As Gino squeaks off into the tunnels Alice is experiencing a stylish dream sequence cum homage to Nosferatu which seems at odds with the rest of the film seeing as it's fairly competently shot and quite effective.

 

 

MONSTA!

 

Whilst all this homo-erotic leatherboy/vampy dream action is going down it appears that poor Barbara has been left in charge of cataloging the stuff found in the tomb, meaning she's spending her Saturday night in a damp hole with only a bottle of wine and a copy of Photoplay for company.

 

Luckily this issue features a full page poster of Richard Gere which Barbara spends an uncomfortable amount of time caressing and chatting to.

 

No really. 

 

We don't have to put up with this frankly embarrassing fawning for long tho' as the spooky wind from earlier turns up just as Barbara decides to open the sarcophagus and a giant pair of hands burst out from the walls and crush her to death as Gino watches on in horror.

 

Or is that indifference?

 

I really don't know.

 

Or care. 

 

The unseen beast then chases Gino down the tunnel to Gaspare's basement where both men are killed (to death), Gino by bumming (probably) and Gaspare by having his head squashed against the wall. 

 

"It's CCCHHHRRRRIIISSSTTTMMMAAASSSS!"

 

Back at the tomb Professor Lasky and Marcus have arrived to find Barbara missing, the sarcophagus empty and me in total confusion as to trying to follow the plot.

 

Is it any wonder that Marcus wanders off in confusion? 

 

I mean to be honest I'd do the same if it wasn't so cold out.

 

And I was watching naked. 

 

Suddenly we're back with Alice who is interrupted recording another track for her new album when the microphone she's using turns into a massive green snake causing her to run out of the recording studio and jump into Marcus’s car, who as luck or bad plotting would have it has just turned up outside.

 

Turns out it's a really busy night, seeing as Angelo is also busy off seeing his Anthropology pal to see if he could find out anything from his tiny bone only to be killed by a dirty sink straight after calling Marcus, who himself was also busy with a tiny bone.

 

Snigger. 

 

He heads over to the anthropology lab leaving a half naked yet surprisingly relieved Alice to experience another horror film homage - this time it's A Nightmare on Elm Street as she's dragged kicking into the mattress, her smooth thighs glistening in the moonlight like a pair of shiny milk bottles whilst at the dig the evil best thing has a spooky staring contest with Professor Lasky causing him to have a heart attack or something.

As he lies prostrate in a recently arrived Marcus' arms (he's had a busy night) Lasky ominously whispers “I saw evil, I looked into his eyes.” before dying.

It's now left to Marcus to enter the catacombs, kill the demon and rescue the woman he loves before something terrible and up until now unexplained happens....

From Marcello Avallone, the man behind the spooky child-based chiller 
Un gioco per Eveline (1972) and the Mexican monster mash Maya (1989) comes this frankly bonkers and (oh so) leisurely paced demonic potboiler that despite it's shortcomings (lack of coherent plot, the aforementioned pacing, horrible trousers) is actual fairly enjoyable in a kinda slightly tipsy Sunday night way.

 

The acting is OK if nothing spectacular - which I guess is what happens when you cast the assistant director of The World According to Garp and Ghostbusters as your lead just because he speaks English - Pleasence phones in his performance whilst Trine Michelsen at least tries to do something other than frown whilst biting her lip whilst wearing THE greatest 80s wardrobe ever committed to celluloid plus it's pretty rare to see a (semi-intended) flirty gay scene in an Italian horror movie, especially when it's between an actor and human potato Donald Pleasence and the fey silver fox Riccardo Parisio Perrotti, which is at least something different.

 

It's just a pity then that fuck all of this matters as we've no idea who any of these people are and why we should invest in their story and just because Trine Michelsen has a smashing arse it doesn't mean you should base a 90 minute film around waiting for shots of it.

 

No caption required (except I've written one. Damn.)

 

It's not all bad tho' and as you're watching you can kinda tell which bits of the script were written by horror royalty Dardano (Cat O'Nine Tails, Demons, Bay of Blood, Zombie Flesh Eaters and The Beyond to name a few) Sacchetti and which bits by (journalist) Andrea Puragtori and jack of all trades Maurizio Tedesco which manages to keep you interested and while effects wise most of the budget seemed to go on a big industrial fan there are some nice practical make-up effects from genre stalwart Sergio Stivaletti including a totally underused full demon suit that only appears in silhouette toward the films climax.

 

Admittedly the face does have a wee bit of a comical underbite that screams 80s Doctor Who at you, which is why the director probably chose to concentrate on its hands instead.

 

Oh and Michelsen's bum obviously.

 

Chase me now.

 

 

The score by composer Lele Marchitelli and jazz pianist Danilo Rea is exactly what you'd expect from an Italian horror film of the period and if you're anything like me you'll already have it on your music player and overall the film is very pretty to look at but other than that it's kinda for Italian horror completists only.

Or those of you that have trouble sleeping. 

The cinematic equivalent of cuddling up on your sofa with an aging Labrador and slowly drifting off to sleep.