Tuesday, October 1, 2019

smash it up.

It's that time of the year again where I put together - with very little effort - as series of ever more banal reviews under the 31 Days of Horror label in a countdown to Halloween which has less to do with championing the horror genre and more to do with me trying to entice more (any?) readers to this pitiful excuse for a blog.

Raiders of the Damned (2007)
Dir: Milko Davis.
Cast: Richard Grieco, Gary Sirchia, Laura Zoe Quist, Elijah Murphy, Thomas Martwick, Laura Clemens, Amanda Scheutzow and J.C. Austin.

"Eye son".

It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel Ralph Fiennes) and a shedload of nasty nuclear weapons have put paid to most of humanity, save for ex Teen Agent Richard (my illustrious career) Grieco, a handful of straight to video ne'er-do-wells and bizarrely an actress who actually reads this blog*.

No, seriously.

But if that wasn't enough a particularly virulent man-made virus called Agent 9-X has turned a huge number of the survivors into pasty faced zombies.

Isn't that always the way?

Luckily for us 'norms' the zombie hordes are all stuck behind a huge wall in a designated quarantine zone where they can't get up to any mischief.

Or can they?

Grieco: For the ladies.

Well surprisingly everyone - and everything - seems to be coasting along OK in this post weary, apocalyptic world until one day the brainy boffin Dr. Wells (We Do Monsters: Nemesis Von Smith star Murphy) - whilst on a top secret mission to drop bags of soot on the undead - is shot down behind enemy lines by a chino wearing, skull-faced zombie wielding a rocket powered crossbow.

No, seriously.

This is particularly bad news for the rag tag group of survivor at the nearby military base as they desperately need to have a wee chat with Dr. Wells seeing as he's the only scientist with any chance of discovering a cure for this zombie plague.

Plus they'd baked a cake especially for his visit.

But ain't that always the way in these movies?

Anyway back at the proper - zombie based - plot and things have gone from bad to really bad for the good doctor and his lovely assistant Stephanie (Scheutzow...bless you) for no sooner have they stumbled drunkenly from the helicopters wreckage - or at the very least a pretty good cardboard approximation of one - than the pair find themselves face to putrefying face with the evil zombie madman behind the attack, enter (roughly and from behind) Colonel Kevin Crow (Martwick, latterly co-director of the classics Jurassic Thunder, The Jurassic Dead and the terrifying Tsunambee) who drags them back to his secret fortress for tea, biscuits and an explanation of his evil plans.

You see, it seems that the Colonel hasn't let a little thing like death put paid to his military career and he's spent the last several years training the local undead in the art of warfare and beret wearing and now plans to breach the walls of the survivors complex in order to wipe them all out.

But not before he tries his undead seduction techniques on poor old Stephanie tho'.

Cue 10 minutes of rubbery face zombie sex style shenanigans.

You're welcome.

Do you think he ate her whole?

Meanwhile back at human central, mad as a lorry scientist Lewis (the poor man's Lou Diamond Phillips, Grieco) reckons that the infamously wayward rebel marine captain and former comrade of Crow, Dewey Crenshaw (Sirchia, looking for all the world like a camper Barry Bostwick if that's at all possible) is the only man who can rescue Wells and sexy Steph.

The only problem is that he's in prison for 'war crimes' and will only take on the mission if he can choose his own team.

No surprise then that everyone agrees to his terms, so without so much as a change of pants, Crenshaw gathers together a group of his pals (including the oh so cutesome Quist and some other, less attractive folk) to head over the wall, rescue the scientist and his by now, zombie cock obsessed assistant and, just because it'll be convenient whilst they're there, shoot Crow in the face before he shags anyone else.

The incredibly sexy and talented Quist is by
far the best thing in this movie.

Little do they know tho' that Crow is almost ready to march on the remnants of humanity and finish the war once and for all.

And there's the little matter of a spare dimensional portal knocking about (that by the way is the mcguffin he's planning to steal and use to breach the survivors defenses with because obviously a ladder or tunnel would be too easy)  that needs dealing with too.

Oh, and as an aside I should mention that after his stinky shag earlier, Crow is permanently stiff in more ways than one** and is super horny for more hot (by hot I mean breathing) ladies to impregnate with his evil zombie sperm.

No doubt he'll want revenge on Crenshaw too.

Or have sex with him.

So as the film lurches toward its climax he's either gonna be dead busy, or the movie is gonna get really confusing causing the viewer to lose interest and pop Army of Darkness on instead.

"Did you get me a Drifter?"

Mighty Milko Davis, the man responsible the terrifying special effects in the Seduction Cinema classic Dracula's Dirty Daughter, as well as the voice of The Carnivore in that hilarious SciFi comedy Star Warp'd makes his directorial debut with this haphazard riff on Mad Max and Escape from New York via big George Romero's entire zombie back catalogue with a plot so surprisingly packed with ideas and twists that it's like watching about a dozen movies rolled into one.

Pity none of them are that good tho'.

"This is my hand, no this is your hand!"

Saying that, the cast do their best to rise above the mish-mash of concepts on show, especially the fantastic Quist (meow) and the b-movie god that is Grieco, proving once and for all that his alimony bill must be huge.

And it's great to finally see a tasteful zombie sex scene.

It's no Nightmare City, but then again what is? Tho' it is about a thousand times more entertaining than The Walking Dead.

And if that isn't damning with faint praise I don't know what is.

Tomorrow - something better.

I promise.

*True story bro, as our American cousins say.

**As in he has an erect penis that he wants to put in a ladies vagina.

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