Monday, October 12, 2020

boys will be boys.

What would 31 days of horror be without at least one movie featuring the Autistic hating blowhard that is William Shatner?

Don't answer that.

As an aside this review features tonnes of pop culture references that unfortunately no-one under 40 will get.

I do indeed know my readership.

The Devil’s Rain (1975).
Dir: Robert Fuest.
Cast: William Shatner, Tom Skerritt, Ernest Borgnine, Joan Prather, Eddie Albert, Ida Lupino, Keenan Wynn, John Travolta and Anton LaVey.

"Corbis, you want the Devil's Rain, I want Tom & Julie Preston. I do not underestimate your powers, nor do I overestimate them".

Ladies and gentlemen let me introduce to you the Preston's.

They make look like an ordinary family (albeit one obsessed with lumberjack shirts) but behind their normal facade lies a dark secret.

And it's not that one of them was lead singer with The Ordinary Boys and married minor celebrity - and very definition of the word vapid - Chantelle Houghton for 15 minutes either.

Oh no, it's much worse than that.

Some ordinary boys yesterday.

You see the poor family have been cursed for all eternity by the potato faced Satanic high priest John Corbis (the legendary Borgnine).

Yup, it seems that generations ago the Preston family were members of Corbis' Satanic church but after deciding that virgin killing and goat shagging wasn't for them, they stole his magic book and sold him out to the Christians, who used the money from the book sale to fund such hits as Hooverville, Forgotten Town and Ideal World.

Since then a never ageing Corbis has vowed revenge.

Which kinda makes you wonder what he's been up to the last hundred odd years seeing as he only lives about ten minutes away.

Perhaps he's been redecorating his church?

"I wish I knew how to quit you Bill."

Luckily for the film viewing public Corbis has chosen this very night to begin his plan of action, firstly he jinxes Samuel Preston's first solo single "Dressed To Kill" so that it fails to chart before kidnapping Dad Preston for a wee bit of terrible torture, finally letting Dad escape in order to warn his wife and young(er) son about the true extent of Corbis' wrath.

"Give Corbis the book" gurgles bubbly Dad "Or all will suffer!"

And then, as if to hammer home the point he proceeds to melt into a pile of wax before his families very eyes.

That's not all tho' as for a final trick Corbis kidnaps dear old Mum.

"Shite in mah mooooooooooooooth!"

Finally having enough of Corbis' constant curses (which actually would make a great teevee show, Channel 5 take note) and with no-one to cook him dinner, the aforementioned son Mark (Shatner, nuff said) takes the book to Corbis in the hope of defeating him.

Well c'mon, it is Shatner.

After what seems like eight hours of desert driving scenes the pair eventually meet up in a ghost town in the desert, and in a scene of such homo-erotic power as the world has ever seen, Corbis cheekily offers Preston a drink of hand pumped water from his old water spout.


Shatner takes a huge gulp then spits it out, proclaiming the water to be too salty or something.

Corbin gives a cheeky grin and replies, "Sweet way to end a thirst, though." before pulling out his massive horse cock and challenging The Shat to a sword fight in the directors mouth.


Nope sorry, I must have fallen asleep and imagined that cos what actually happens isn't half as interesting; Preston talks about God, Corbis talks about the Devil and finally Preston challenges Corbis to a battle of faith whilst waving a gun about.

Ho hum.

"Now you stop thinking about shooting Simon Amstell and just think about shooting onto my jubblies instead!"

Being a polite kinda Satanist, Corbis invites Preston to join him for morning worship which if I'm honest Preston seems to be enjoying until that is his mum turns up with a face like a bag of spuds and big black holes where her eyes should be.

It's at this point that poor old Preston starts shouting Holy stuff whilst shooting the place up like a disgruntled, beer-bellied post-election Trump supporter.

Look, you know it's going to happen.

Corbis follows our hero outside asking, "Is that your faith?" before turning Preston's ginormous gold Godly medallion into a snake.

Shitting himself at such a long slimy thing being so close to his mouth, Preston throws it away before being promptly captured by a gang of hooded hoodlums.

"If you're scared now just wait til the fucking starts!" whispers Corbis.

I imagine.

"And remember guys for the best results this one's for the arse and the others for the get fiddling!"

Meanwhile in a big city, Preston's scientist older brother, Tom (Skerritt channeling early seventies George Harrison) and his insectoid wife Julie (Big Bad Mama's Prather) have just received word that Mark has gone missing and decide - with top psychotherapist Dr. Sam Richards (Albert) in tow - to go look for him.

And then some excitingly scary stuff happens possibly.

I say possibly cos I fell asleep only to be rudely awakened by the booming sound of thunder on the soundtrack, falling off the sofa to be confronted by the image of Ernest Borgnine transforming into a silver wigged goat whilst a topless, sweat covered former starship captain, his man-breasts undulating softly in the wind, wriggles suggestively on an inverted cross.

I've not been right since.

William Shatner's cum face yesterday (go on, ask your mum).

Meanwhile Tom, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, is watching all this from behind an old piano only to be discovered by one of the Satanists who've sneaked off for a pee.

Legging it towards the church (which surprisingly isn’t being used for the ceremony - perhaps the new paint isn't dry yet) Tom meets up with (an until now useless) Richards (no idea where he's been, probably looking to punch fuck out of his agent for agreeing to him appearing in this shite) and begins to rummage thru' Corbis' dusty drawers.

Beside the ancient issues of Razzle, fluff covered mints, a crusty sock and old VHS copies of McHale's Navy our terrific twosome come across a porcelain chamber alleged to contain the souls of Corbis' followers and the secret of his powers.

And the name of this pot?

The Devil's Rain.

Clever eh?

"Laugh now".

There's no time for celebration tho' as crazy Corbis and his sinister Satanists have tracked Tom and Sam back to the church, threatening all manner of vile torturers if they don't hand over the paranormal pot.

Luckily Richards, being a man of science, reckons all these goat headed goings on are utter bollocks and quite calmly smashes the pot causes all of Corbis' followers to melt in the ensuing rain storm.

Thank fuck the Devil never set up base in Glasgow, the poor bastard would never have been able to leave the house.

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

As Sam and Tom beat a hasty retreat thru' sticky remains of Corbis' followers, our moustachioed hero notices his wife standing in the distance (I think she might have been captured at some point) ands runs to embrace her.

As the pair hold each other we (the audience, well the ones still awake) realize that Tom is in reality hugging Corbis.

Yup, the evil fella has swapped bodies with Julie, whose soul he has trapped within a new improved paranormal pot.

On a downside it does mean that until his strength has returned, Ernest Borgnine is going to get roughly shagged by Tom Skerritt on a daily basis.

Hang on, did I say downside?

Best remembered for totally destroying the film career of ace director Fuest (the man who gave us  The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Dr. Phibes Rises Again and The Final Programme), The Devil's Rain suffered from such a critical mauling that Fuest was immediately placed on the top of the FBI's most wanted list and his family imprisoned.

The story doesn't end there tho', for after years of living in exile on the isle of Shetland (eking out a pittance making dire teevee fodder) he was ordered to direct the soft core stinker Aphrodite (1982), a movie that's only memorable feature was it's lead actress, Valérie Kaprisky's massive bush.*

Kaprisky: secret garden.

It's not all bad tho' as not only do we do get to see a pre-Trek comeback Bill Shatner topless but also get to experience the joy of watching a young John Travolta being seduced by an evil cult from which he can't escape.

Something that wouldn't happen in real life obviously.

But with it's (probably) unintentional homo-erotic subplot, scenes of Mexican extras covered in chip fat in an attempt to make them look melty, a constantly angry Tom Skerritt (remember he chose to do this yet almost knocked back Alien)  and the sight of a shirtless Captain Kirk being tongued by an almost mummified Ida Lupino, The Devil's Rain has something for everyone.

If that person is criminally insane with no self worth obviously.

*Due to the fact she was an avid - and award winning amateur gardener in her spare time.

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